Wednesday, April 30, 2008
This train's just getting started. Tomorrow, the Pie rats. Next week, the Ass tros. Next month, the STRangers. Next year, all of baseball. Next decade? The fucking WORLD!
Sweet Jesus, Zim can rake. If you see the highlights on TV, pause his double when it hits the wall, and you can see me. Seriously. Anyway, that fucker hit that double on a rope. Kearnsie and Blastings decided to hit doubles as well. Slick went back to the socks, and they showed they are magically magical. I'll wager we see him wearing them today, as well.
Super duper job to Capt. Redd, Saulie, mi hermano, and Rauchie. Those dudes were throwing last night. Those injins were so sad it was like the trail of tears all over again.
Things I can confirm:
a)Hammer hands did give Wil the Thril his game winning home run ball (I asked).
b)Cardiac's arm fell off (I saw).
Things I cannot confirm:
a)Hammer hands tried to give it to him in the locker room, but when he tossed it to him, it went backwards 315 feet.
b)He will be effective at some point in the future.
Finally, I am convinced the Nats have a street gang, and a gang sign. Saul Rivera threw it at me last night, and Wil the Thril gave half of one. I have now been marked for death by 2 Puerto Rican's and 1 Mexican. When Colome follows suit, I will drop dead within 24 hours.
He asked the Mrs. if she would like a ball. I think all she managed was a meek nod, like a 10 year old would do.
His final wicked awesome act of the night (besides destroying the Braves lineup with his laser like precision and accuracy?) was to play around with one of the ems/police dudes that hang out in the bullpen (making the entire section smell like bacon all the while). I saw him trying to place this on some of the guys, but both O'Connor and hammer hands caught him. Anyway, he was talking to the ems/cop and convinced him to come out into the bullpen area and wave to the fans. I was giggling like Ray King at Five Guys, but managed to get this shot. Click the picture for the large image, and laugh. Bonus points to the other two ems/cops for not telling their homey. They were busting their guts, though.
So, finally my friends, I beg of you. I implore you. Please, when you strike your vote this November for the person who shall lead our land...write Luis in. I know he's Mexican, but hell..that might as well be part of the United States.
Bonus points to anyone who can come up with a wicked cool nickname for Mi hermano, Luis. No, it can't be "Mi hermano", either.
That, my friends, is Mr. Ray King. In my section. Talking to my bullpen guys. The nerve of him!
EDIT: Here's another picture for Andrew, and any other visually impaired persons who can't find Ray.
He showed up around the 6th inning, and leaned over the railing and started chatting up most of the guys (except Hammerhands and O'Connor, they didn't seem to care). The guys were hooting and hollering and grab assing with him
He then called out to Kearnise in right. Kearnsie sees him and gets a big old smile and waves. They exchanged some long detailed gang sign. Then people recognize who he is (I smelt him as soon as he walked through the gates, however. I saw his big fat head and screamed to the Mrs., "That's Ray King! Mother fucker!") About 10 people walked up to him to get autographs, and he signed them all. I got up to go hit the commode, cause I had to squirt. I happen to leave at the same time as Ray. I glance up at him and say, simply, "Good luck man." He looked at me, smiled, and said, "Thanks. It's all good, baby."
I don't know if he was hitting on me or not.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
LHP Ray King is a free agent. The Nationals optioned him down to Class AAA Columbus last week. King [snip]
declined. Therefore, he's a free agent.
Good riddance to fat rubbish. I'm not saying I hate you , Ray. Your prolly a nice guy and all..but..well..how to put it? If I had the choice of seeing your fat ass enter the game in a clutch situation, or punching an angel in the throat, and dealing with those repercussions? Well, I'll deal with Jeebus, thanks.
No line-ups posted yet, but I'd be interested to see what Manny does about the catcher position. Keep with the hot Nieves? Throw pear-man in there? Look, I like Estrada, I really do. He just happens to be a chubby fat ass. I dig his stirrups, though! Old school, like Babe Ruth. Just as fat, too.
To Kearnsie and Zim: Might be time for a slump-buster, fellas. LoDu and Blastings have some chicks on speed dial, I'm sure. Hit 'em up, dudes. Austin, your from Kentucky, so I'm pretty sure you'll like this strange. Too bad your name is not Richard. Zim? I hear this chick likes ballplayers.
Monday, April 28, 2008
What EVER! Peep this shit, folks:
Last 3 starts: 2-0; 20 IP; 0.45 ERA; 7 BB; 18 K; 101 pitches/game; 19 consecutive scoreless innings. I even did the math, and his WHIP over those games? That, my friends, is a fucking delicious 0.95.
So, to recap.. Lannan = Buddha (who would beat the Christian God's butt in hand to hand combat.)
Things ain't all
Leading the blow brigade is our very own, very mortal Zim. Followed by Kearnsie, WMP, and (I have to say) Slick.
AB BA OBP K RBI
Zim 108 .222 .256 22 10
Kearnsie 91 .187 .308 16 10
WMP 47 .170 .220 15 2
Slick 74 .216 .392 18 14
Thems there stats ain't pretty. Down right Sam Cassell ugly, in fact.
Day off today, then we welcome the Injins back into town.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
That's what the fuck I'm mother fucking talking about!
The bomb dropped into the bullpen, right in front of us. If it wasn't a 20 foot drop, I would've jumped for it.
Cordero was going nuts. Absolute bat shit crazy. Hammerhands grabbed the ball and stuffed it into his back pocket. I'm sure he had a present for Wil.
Luis gave me a nod and a wave, so the streak continues.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Folks over at Barry's WaPo blog (what? WaPo. Washington Post. The fucking Washington Post newspaper. Jesus) are starting a bunch of conspiracy theories about Dukes going to Florida not to rehab, but fulfill said requirements.
I couldn't give two shits about that. I'm more interested in the awesome quote from the Tampa Tribune. It was in reference to Elijah's January 2007 arrest. Cops pulled him over in his Dodge Charger because he
"Are you really going to arrest me over a little sack of weed?"
Fan-fucking-tastic. I love this guy. Almost as good as, "And that, my friend, is very broke."
I had a chance to scout Elijah earlier in his career, ya know. I took a look through all my old photo's and came across one that I can't believe I didn't notice before. Something very, very strange is going on here.
I'm still kicking myself for not asking him for a hit.
Oh, hey, the newest Nat just arrived in town, by the way. He'll prolly be starting in left, but with his ears, he could play right, and no one would notice it's not Kearnsie.
Hell. Let's not kid ourselves here. He would prolly out hit WMP and Kearnsie combined.
Rental Perez vs. Ryan Dumpster tonight. (Buuuurrrn. dUmpster. Heh. Bet that fuckers never heard that one before) Dumpster's had a pretty good start, but one stat is bad. 11 BB in 24 IP. Slick and Kearnsie might be able to drive his pitch count up. Hell, maybe Goozie can work it too, and Flop will only go yard on the 4th or later pitch of each of his at bats.
Hopefully Blastings can get his fucking act together, and get to the fucking field sometime before I do. I called all the Rocawear and Phat Pimp stores in the area, and asked them to kindly send Blastings to the park if he showed up.
I didn't see any of the game, just heard highlights on the way home, and saw a 7 second highlight on Sportscenter (note to ESPN: Fuck. You.). Looks like all the starters got a hit, except Kearnsie (0 for 5 with 2 K's, Kearnise? Really?) and Willie Harris. Willie's a'ight, though, cause he had two walks and scored 3 runs.
Yes, Willie Harris was starting. In center field. Why? From the WaTimes blog:
"Milledge arrived in the clubhouse this afternoon right at 4 p.m., which was the listed time for all players to be on the field for pregame stretch. This wasn't the first time Milledge has reported late, or close to late, so this could be a disciplinary thing."
I heard rumblings earlier about some of the guys wishing he could get to the park earlier, but, as I found out, you can't fault a brotha for being late yesterday. My intern caught him walking into the stadium late yesterday, and took this picture:
When my intern asked him why he was late, he received the following reply:
"Shit, homey. Can't a brotha go shopping? You knows they opened a new Sean John Boutique downtown, right? They got argyle out the ASS there."
I thought Sean John was out of style, but what do I know? I'll leave the fashion comments to Rob.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Burger shown the door.
Later, you big fat tater. Don't the doorknob hit your gravy boat ass on the way out!
Mike O'Connor takes his spot. He will go long relief, prolly taking over for hammerhands.
Rumors swirl that King may actually be done with the Nats for good. Please happen. Pretty please!
Shawn Hill (maybe) tonight. Two starts in a row might be some sort of record for him. He's going against Perez. I have no clue what his last name is, and I don't have the time to look (I'm on my way out the door for a game. Send me the score via telekinesis). Let's just call him Orlando, and hope we're close.
Burger King was doing well against lefties. Until last night. Of course, Zim didn't help with that two base throwing error (keep that up and Manny will send you to the bullpen), but I still blame King. He faced 5 lefthanders in a row, and retired 2. Here's what fucking kills me, though: Pagan (how does he get people to call him pah-gone? I say pay-gun.) singles to drive in Church. You're a left handed pitcher. Should be easier to hold someone at 1st, right? Wrong, wrong, fucking King Kong. He let's Pagan steal 2nd. Then King says to himself,
"Sheeeet. That little dude is speedy. Now, I'll just focus all my attention on Schneider here, with his wicked awesome hitting skills...
::Thinks about the new Steakhouse Burger at BK::
"whoa! That little dude stole 3rd. He's crafty, I'll give him that. OK, Brian, hit this one!"
::ground ball off King's glove to score Pagan::
So, bases empty, two outs, and the pitcher is coming up to hit. The pitcher. Someone who was in the AL for years. OBP of .256. What's King do? Grooves him one. Fuck stick!
It's on, Ray. The war has begun. I will come armed with a big bag of peanuts tomorrow night. I will unload those peanuts upon you with lightning quickness, and Nolan Ryan speed. You might want to bring a vest and helmet. ASSHOLE!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Capt. Redd tonight, vs that Scandinavian Johan (fuck it, it sounds Scandinavian to me, anyway) Santana. We shall beat his ass like we did last year, obviously. I'm off to money metal Wheaton. I hope I don't get mugged, and I hope someone can take Nook Logan's place. He homered off Johan last year. I choose.... Willie Harris. Make it so, Willie!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Good news? The Nats won! Lannan beat that guy Smoeltz (who apparently got his 30th strikeout..or something like that, tonight) and the offense managed 6 runs. Sweeeet. He whose name shall not be said actually got off the snide and had a bases clearing double in the 9th.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! Off to bed. I might call in sick to work tomorrow...we'll see. If I do, expect a 457,853 word post on Nats stats. If I don't, it will have to be shortened to 451,500. I got bucket loads of shit to do at work, you can see.
Lannan for Cy Young, bitches!
Fucking Gooz. How does that dude not score on Kearnsie's single yesterday? I know Tim Tolman ain't the greatest 3rd base coach in the world, but waving him in was the right call. Goozie should'a been safe, but he was out. By a fucking mile. Speedy, he ain't. 111 SB in 1048 games. Or just about one every 10 games. Remind me again why Manny has him batting lead off?
So, tonight we got Johnny Lannan against Jon Smoltez (I might have spelled his name wrong..I'm having a hard time finding anything on this guy. Must not be that good). On paper, it looks like Lannan should dominate Smoeltz..but, as we all know, the Nats ain't hitting nothing these days. Look for Lannan to keep the injins in check (7 IP, 14K, 0BB, 2 Hits), and the offense to finally come around. 8-1, the good guys.
There's also a game taking place at the Verizon Center tonight. I would throw in some hockey stats, but I don't know any. I hear this Ovechkin kid is pretty good. Caps win 87-0.
A man among boys, my friends. A man among boys. Capitals finish of the Phlyers tonight at 7.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Fuck all that noise. Look, we got a bunch of kids on the team. The average age is 28 (very very rough average) with the two oldest being Burger King and Aaron bleeping Boone. Two guys who won't be with us next year. Estrada is 31, and will be replaced by Flores next year, who's 23.
Am I going a long way to make a point? I am. I have to. It's the only thing left to grab onto, for me. I like being able to say, "Ya, they do have the worst record, but they're just so damn young."
Next three pitchers faced? Hudson, Smoltz, Santana. Never heard of those dudes before. Must be early call ups for some injuries or sumptin.
Fuck it. I didn't really have a point, I just wanted to give you turd burglers something to read. I'll be thoroughly on the bandwagon tonight and watching the Caps. We've got things totally under control with Mr. Matthew Chico on the hill, so he won't need my help.
The bad news, though, is that Manny will turn to the bullpen (which used to rock out with their cock out..now? not so much.) and the lead* won't be held. Or will it? Only time will tell.
*may or may not be a lead. Why? Because outside of Gooz, Slick, and Flop, no one could hit a beach ball tossed underhand these days. (question to self - did I just compliment Flop? Might wanna start saying some prayers, folks, cause I think the apocalypse is upon us.)
I could show some stats, and write a thesis on the poor offense right now, but I'm not OMG. Please feel free to visit them, if you believe you have the time. All I'm going to do is pose this one question:
With a runner in scoring position, do you have any faith in the line-up at all, outside of the three I mentioned above, to drive them in? If you say yes, I call bullshit. You really think Kearnsie's gonna get them home? Milledge? WMP?!?! Estrada (Who still gets man love from me because of his stirrups)? Ryan Zimmerman, whose name is now mortal? I think I'd rather turn the TV off at this point, instead of watching them strike out, then ground into a double play.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Penis arm. Limp penis arm. Fuck face.
Rental Perez against "don't taze me Bro" today.
Ya, WMP got an RBI yesterday, but he still looks like absolute shit. Here's and idea: Call up Maxwell, put him in center and move penis arm to left. Drop WMP to Columbus for a week or so until he starts hitting.
Fuck Bowden, sign me up for GM right now.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
It don't make no difference, though. Throwing for the Marlins? Burke Badenhop. Stop laughing. Seriously. His mommy loves her some alliteration. It's his third major league start of his career. Two words for you, rook:
Washington Fucking Nationals.
Today, we win our second in a row, and begin our fantastic drive to finishing 2008 with a record of 150-12.
So if Hill is on the roster, who got got demoted? No one. It turns out LoDu is broken. Sweet! Nieves on the roster till 5/29. Let's see if Manny gives him a few more starts than Estrada. Also getting a weird start is Flop, who will be at short stop. Maybe Manny leaves him at lead off?
Let's win this one 85-1, and make it a great day for the DC sports scene. The Cappies won their playoff game today, and play again on Monday. What? Who? The Wizards?
Friday, April 18, 2008
Couple things that stuck out to me...
Flop looked really good there in his 9th inning at-bat/base running. I just wish I knew what the fuck Manny was thinking hitting Macowakiak for Blastings.
Slick weilds a mean fucking stick, don't he?
Ray King? Very effective in his one batter appearance. The batter? Left handed. Coincidence? Me thinks no. Look, listen, learn, Manny. Please.
I'm loving what Nieves is doing. The intangibles are off the chart with that 185 lb catcher.
Finally, I love the fact that I'm going to bed with a smile. It's about fucking time.
What is the Nats problem? Offense or Defense? [ed: I think it’s obvious it’s both. Actually, you should’ve thrown in “life skills” as well] Hmmm Which do they need to turn around in order to start winning? Here are a few stats to consider when making up your mind.
The Nats pitching staff has given up 70 walks this season in 144 innings. [ed: Our hero, Mr.
has only walked 7 in 24 innings, however. Be sure to remove him from this conversation. His awesomeness is awesome] Yes folks that it 10 * (4 + 3) walks!! They are giving up one walk every other inning! That is about just under 5 free ducks a game! They lead the NL is this prestigious category. [ed: they finished with 3.6/game last year] Chico
Now lets partner that little nugget of information with the fact that they have given up 21 long balls. (Bottom 3 in the NL) [ed: 5 of those belong to Bergie, who was optioned to AAA. See? We can identify, and deal with, the suckiest of the suckiest] Maybe they should have thought about the pitching staff a little more when building that ball park. [ed: They’ve played 7 home games vs. 9 road games. I’d like to see the home/away split] I vote for a redesign and make the outfield wall share a fence with the white house!
So you have lots of walk plus lots of homeruns (or should that me times a lot of homeruns) and what do you get. . . . A 4.63 ERA. Not too bad I guess. If your team is named the Pirates! [ed: the 2007 NL average was 4.43, and the Nats finished with 4.58, so it looks to be on par for the whole season]Only two teams have a higher ERA in the NL, one of them is the Pirates and the other is the Marlins. Not exactly company you want to keep. But hey - atleast we are better than someone!!
Wow. Just wow. Only 119 hits for the pesky nats. Might not be too bad until you consider that the teams has had a combined 543 AB's. Do you want to do the math, or should I? Oh what the heck I'm feeling generous. That is a romper stompering .219. (another league low) Wait a second Didn't I just conclude that the walls were too short? Any chance we can hide some midgets to subtly move the wall when we are batting? [ed: Again, if you’re gonna pick on the park, lets see some home/away splits]
Ok Ok. Batting average and hits aren't everything. Lets look at some other random category. *spins big wheel of offensive stats* do do do do . . .do . . .do . . . . .do. Stolen bases. lets see. Four (4 for those of you not good with words) Not the worst in the league that honor goes to
with 3 (and one fewer game). . . . oh wait a second we also have 4 caught steeling. [ed: Jesus, Kearnsie accounts for half of those himself. I blame Tim Tolman, however. That fuck finger couldn’t direct a player out of a paper bag] Talk about 1 step forward, one step back. I think if get a man on base we should just stay content to leave him there. We can't advance him with our bats and apparently we cant let him run wild either. Atlanta
Damn. Let’s try something a little more scientific and see how we fare. A nice stat to judge offensive production is OnBase % + slugging %(OPS). Yeah now we are getting somewhere. Sit back folks here comes a bomb!! 75!! Oh yeah 75!! Wait what the hell does that mean and how does it compare to other teams . . . Shit second to last, and only 1 of 7 teams in double digits. [ed: I’ll be honest. I ain’t got shit. That OPS is horrendous. Horrendesly horrendous] Forget that scientific stuff we have heart!!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Lannan going tonight against......hold on, my computers being slow today...do I still have that chick's myspace page open? God damn. Kids today, they put so much shit on those pages. Hold on, just came across this quote on her page:
like hearts and shit
Paul, if it really is you, and you found my blog, and clicked on her link, and took her on one of your swell dates? Well, you two were destined to be, my friend. She's your lobster.
Ok..Lannan vs. Nelson Figueroa? Isn't he their right fielder? What? Oh, that's Angel Pagan? Whatever..Figueroa, Pagan..Smith, Jones.
JESUS! The thing's I do for you readers. Do yourself a favor..do NOT look up Fig's (no, I didn't want to spell his name again) profile. One. Ugly. Dude. Guy's got bigger eyebrows than Jim's dad from American Pie.
No predictions tonight. I don't wanna jinx the guys. Lets just say I feel we might put up a lot of runs tonight. Like more than.... I dunno.... 40. I'm out, suckers.
The good: Are you serious? Like seriously serious? OK, WMP had a nice running catch to his left. Kearnsie broke out of his homer slump. Yay!
The bad: Zim struck out looking while he was the tying run in the 7th. He left 3 on base, and is something like..1-857 with runners in scoring position this year. Kearnsie continues to be red hot in GIDP's. Yay! Chico allows 3HR's and walked 3 in 5 innings. He also threw 107 pitches. Fuck, Matty, why not just make it an even 125 pitches? Much easier to read the box score that way.
The Ugly: Cordero tops out at 82 mph for the night. Did Patterson pass on his virus to Chad before he left? Damn him! ::shakes fist:: Team batting average for the Nats? If you guessed .227, you're right! When Willy Harris (the hitting coach) was asked about it, he came up with this amazing answer:
"Concerns?" he said. "No. Not at all. Not at all." [Barry] asked what he was working on with certain guys. "Everything," he said. "These guys hit more than three and four baseball teams. They hit every day. We just need to execute in the game."
Re-read that bolded sentence. OK, now read it again. WHAT? O.o Is that English? Can someone please explain to me what the fuck he's talking about? My brain is about to explode trying to figure that out.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
You know what? I'll be the last guy to complain about Zimmerman. We won four games, and he won three of those four games. He would be the wrong guy for me to complain about."
You know what? He's fucking right, too! Which is why I have chosen to immortalize our third baseman with a place on my chest. And arms. And Back. Behold, in all his thrilling glory:
Jealous much, bitches? Fear not, for you can have one of your very own. Just not this one. Cause this one's mine. And I sweat. A lot.
Hey! What's the over/under on whether or not I get this in tattoo form next drunken Vegas trip?
Yep, that's all I got there. Feel free to chime in with yours in the comments. You know who he reminds me of? Nolan Ryan. Except for strikeouts. And no hitters. And everything else, except for the amount of walks he deals out. He's on par with Ryan there.
Hey, Pelfrey, nice mouth guard. Fruitcake.
Zimmie, Kearns, nice of you to show up last night. Dick faces. A combined 0-8, while leaving 79 Nats on base. Awesome.
Manny, bringing in Ray to face Reyes? He's a switch hitter? O.o I thought we talked about this. At least he got Church to ground out, and then Manny yanked him.
The magic one goes tonight. Should be an easy victory. Chico's line? 8 IP 3H 0R 0BB 16K. On the bump for the Mets is John Maine. No word on if he'll be wearing children's mouth protection.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Up first? The Penn State Nittany
What does that look like? That's right, a FUCKING BEAR. Retards. Witness it's likeness:
Another example of Pennisylvania's mascot designers at their finest? Iceburgh, the Pittsburgh Penguins mascot:
I know, I know. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. What the hell is that thing? Sure as fuck ain't one of these:
If anyone can get me some of the fine ass weed those mascot makers were smoking, send a bag my way. I'll sell it, of course, but send it anyway. The Caps look forward to crushing said Penguins if they [the Penguins] can get by the Senators. Ovie's shoulder has got a date with Cindy Crosby's face.
We got Rental Perez, they got some dude named Pelty, or Peltry. What? Pelfrey? OK, they got Pelfrey going.
I got an email today from a Nats player who overheard the following conversation* on the way to NY yesterday:
LoDu: LMillz, what do you have in store for those faggots back in New York?
Blastings: Paul, please. That term offends me. Respect the gay community.
LoDu: Wow, LMillz, I didn't know it bugged you so much. You gay? I mean, hell I could care less, just wondering?
Blastings: Me? Gay? I am not, no. Not that I hold anything against the gay community..I just like them bitches to bend they ho ass knees.
LoDu: Ha! Yeah! Right on, LMillz. You one funny dude. Bend they knees..
*may or may not actually be true.
Monday, April 14, 2008
It's missing the [New York Mets] fans, and missing the security guards, the parking lot guys, the guys you became friends with for a couple years. That's it. I could care less about missing the guys. We're going to see those guys, and my job now is to beat them up. I could care less about that. That's not going to be emotional at all. It's just going to be more emotional seeing people I haven't seen in a while.
Why does someone saying I could care less bug me so much? Fuck if I know, but it does. Damnit, Paul. Couldn't you just, I dunno, dangle a participle or two? Those I can overlook.
If you guessed "your season ticket seats" you are correct.
If you guessed "from the sights of a laser guided missile" your thinking is right in line with mine.
Someone please pass this info along to Manny. Please. Seriously. (From Barry Svrlg):
King does what he's supposed to do against left-handed hitters, having retired eight of nine this year. (Right-handers have reached base six of the nine times he's faced them, however.)Why in the name of Chico is Manny keeping him out there to face righties? I mean, Jesus H. Christ on a whore, that's stupid. arrgghh.
Chad, welcome back to you, as well. I'm sure Rauchie appreciated you loading them up, just to turn it over to him. Good thing he came in and slammed the door on them Injins.
Off day today for our band of swashbuckling heroes. Start a 3 game NY trip tomorrow. I'm looking forward to LoDu and Blastings giving the Mets fans a big healthy serving of shut the fuck up.
Oh, shit. Almost forgot. GOOZ!! Way to get that first walk of the season. Only took you 14 games. At least you're starting to think like a lead off hitter now, you fuck nut.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Anyway, on to the good stuff. I saw a weird bullpen ceremony. The first person called to warm up takes turns getting slapped in the forehead by all the other guys in the pen.
Maybe they should stop that, though, cause Bergman threw like he had a concussion from the slaps. BTW, Rivera slaps like a girl. Shocked, I know.
Got a gang sign thrown at me by my boy Ayala. Don't know what to make of that, really. I'm thinking he marked me for death, but we'll see.
Joel got up in the pen to warm up, and the girlfriend asked who it was. I said, "Hanrahan." Her response? "Hammerhands? That's the coolest name EVER!"
So, ya. Hammerhands it is.
Got some pictures for another time. Lets go Caps tomorrow, and I hope to God we don't go 3-159. That would suck donkey penis.
I couldn't find any stats for hits, but I'm sure Ovie led both teams with 547 of them. Next ass-whipping? Sunday @ 2pm. Might wanna bring some K-Y, Flyers. It makes it easier and less painful for ya. Bitches.
Enough of that bullshit, let's get to the good stuff. All hail our new leader, Mr. Matt Chico! I for one welcome our new overlord with open arms.
8.0 IP; 5 H; 1R; 1 BB; 3K. Threw 91 pitches, 62 for strikes.
Hey, MLB, lock up your daughters, cause Chico's about to rape some bitches!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Alls I know is that Ryan Longer-hands would've thrown the guy out at home. He can't hit worth a shit, but his fielding is pretty fly, for a white guy. Must be those extra long hands of his. (Hat tip to RJ for the nickname. I'll get ya something nice for letting me use it. Seriously. Like a small fries from the dollar menu. What? Ok, splurge then. A 3 piece of chicken selects. No, not the meal, just the chicken selects. Very good.) Anyway, look at Langer here, about to fire a fucking laser to some place to nail some dude. It's like poetry in motion. Sweet, sweet motion!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Stats on the year for the Goozman:
AB: 43; H: 14; 2B: 2; 3B: 2; HR: 2; RBI 6; BB: 0; K:4
I'll do the math for you fuckers, and project that out for the season:
H: 252!; 2B/3B/HR: 36; RBI: 108; K:72; R: 144.
Pretty beastly, no? Obviously, he can't keep all of that up for the season, but fuck it, he's golden to me right now. I'd take those numbers anywhere in the lineup. Except lead off. Did I mention he's leading off right now? Did I mention these projections?:
OBP: .318; SB: 0; BB: 0.
Nope, that ain't too fucking good for a lead off man. If you look at the regular starters, he ranks 6th in OBP. It goes Kearnsie, Slick, Blastings, LoDu, Flop, Gooz, Belly, and Mr. Walk-off in order of best to worst. Kearnsie (I just want to squeeze that lil' hairy man!) is leading with .395. How does that happen when the guy is only (for now) hitting .233? He has 7 BB's. Look, I know Gooz had that eye surgery, and that's how he's hitting the cow-spit outta the ball. But, for the love of God, someone get him to take a few fucking pitches! Gorilla Glue his bat to his shoulders for a few at-bats. Maybe then he can get on base.
Gooz's BA (.326) is higher than his fucking OBP! Great googley moogley.
I'm going to put my manager hat on, and play Manny. Drop Gooz down in the order. Please. I'm begging you. Put Blastings in the number one spot. He's got a .341 OBP (BTW, that's the only thing any potential lead off can be judged on. Did you realize the Nats only have two stolen bases? Two. 2. Talk about dick samiches!), with a little pop (1 HR 2 2B). Then, Gooz can hit second all year long. Move Slick up to third, drop The Non-Human to fourth, and we all set. World Series, look the fuck out, cause this bingo train is about to roll!
Now, excuse me while I go rub one out to the replay of Gooz's 2 3B, 3 RBI game from Monday. If you need me, go fuck yourself.
I'm hard on Ray, I know. But I have to be. The guy just sucks. Really. He does.
Some quick numbers for the year:
Games: 5 IP: 3.7 H: 3 BB: 4 K: 1 HBP: 1 WHIP: 1.909
Those are your run-of-the-mill stats that everyone knows. Now, when you break it down...
He's averaging a HUGE 20.18 pitches, per inning! He's averaging .25 K/BB! He's averaging 9.82 BB, per game! I mean, shit, that's a lot for a LOOGY, don't you think? But, then again, Manny ain't using him in that role, is he? The Nats are hard on Chico as it is. Imagine if he walked 9.8 guys per game. Or only had 1K for every 4 walks!
His line from last night? 1.0 IP; 2 BB's. He threw a total of 22 pitches, and exactly half were strikes (11). Strikes are included in balls hit resulting in outs, so that means the guy threw 11 balls in his one inning of play.
How in the name of fucking Christ does this man still have a spot on the roster?!? I guaran-fucking-tee I could put up those numbers. And I'm being dead serious. If I see that dick hole warming up in the bullpen for the next game I go to (this Sat. vs. the Braves), I'll be escorted out in handcuffs, and put on trial for murder. 'Cause I may just have to choke a bitch.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
"What is this fine piece of machinery?", you may be asking yourselves. This, my friends, is the TruTech clock radio. FM/AM on this bad boy. Here's the killer fucking part..$4.99! Dudes, what in the hell can you get for $4.99 these days? These things? $4.99 for 6 God damn folders. FOLDERS! Fuck all that shit. I'm a shopping machine. I'm psyched for the next day game (5/15 @ the Mets). I'll be jamming to the smooth sounds of Charlie and Dave.
Except I won't. The TruTech clock radio that I got from target for only $4.99 blows. Really hard. Like...Katrina hard, and shit. (btw, in case you guys don't read the comments, I've been taking jabs at a commenter in Texas about his sorry baseball team. I want to take the opportunity now to bring my joke out of the comments, and onto the main page. It's that good. Really, it is. Ready? "The Rangers blow. And Josh Hamilton has done the most blow of all." What? Ya, that was it. Not funny? Whatever your name, ass face. That's funny, I don't care who you are.) This thing won't pick up a single FM radio station. A single one. I even extended it's wire antenna all the way up my bad ass cork board. I checked the trouble shooting "guide" it came with. Hmm..why yes, I do have it's antenna fully extended. Oh well, I'll just have to jam to Charlie and Dave on AM. SHIT GOD DAMN! It won't pick up any AM stations either! Back to the troubleshooting "guide." It tells me, "Rotate the unit horizontally." What in the name of fuck does that even mean?! I turned the thing on all 6 of it's sides ('cause I'm apparently to stupid to figure out how to rotate it horizontally) and couldn't hear shit. Well, besides static. (Which is the sound of the big bang!) Fuck me. I guess it's back to the old drawing board. If someone would like to donate to me a nicer (read: one that works) radio, hit me up. Or, I'll take an MLB Gameday Audio subscription. Thanks!
P.S. Big fuck you to the Nats..who are the sole reason I had to try a $4.99 radio. $7.50 per beer? Seriously? Assholes!
P.P.S. I'm actually a huge Josh Hamilton fan, and I wish him all the best. Seriously.
Which really, really sucks. I should be going ape-shit. I should be screaming at these fuckers. You know why? 'Cause they're fucking better than this shit!
Get the bats going, fellas. Get the gloves working. And most of all, STOP LEAVING ALL THESE FUCKERS ON BASE!!
Seriously! Shit ain't that hard, is it?
Christ on a trampoline!
OK. Me n' the girl have tickets to the game tonight. I'll do my best to get some bullpen stories for ya. I can't promise Luis will be as kind to me again, but maybe I could get the wookie to flip me the bird?
Oh, and I moved yesterday, and don't have no ebays at the house yet. It's coming, but y'all little dill weeds gotta be patient about the low post count. That is all, carry on.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Not only did he lead the Caps to the promised land, the playoffs, but he secured them a
Ovie also grabbed some hardware, the Art Ross and Maurice Richard trophies for leading the league in points and goals. The MVP trophy will arrive shortly.
Short story about the bobble head. These were distributed at Saturday's game. No, I didn't go. I went out drinking, and when we moved on to the second bar, I saw the bobble head on the bar, and knew it had to be mine. I walked up to the douche bag who had it and offered him 20 bucks. He said it was worth more than that because his girlfriend loves Ovie. Whatever. Next thing I know I'm playing Let's Make a Deal with this guy. I came away with the bobble head, as you can see. How much did I pay? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much, my friends. Way too much.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
And, Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Nice passed ball in the 8th, buddy. You and Chico need to go stand in the corner. I know you're the shit. You know you're the shit. Now act like it, fuck face.
It's not all bad though, folks. Props to Slick the Stick, He who's name is too powerful to say. It looked like double day out there. Slick's yard work was nice. Jesus, your homerun karma was taken away by your butterfingers.
John Lannan tomorrow, peeps. A friend predicted 7 innings and 2 hits. He couldn't be more wrong. The real line? 9 innings zero hits. Team Lannan, go for launch!
Friday, April 4, 2008
No poop or fuck jokes here, kiddies. So, if that ain't your bag, exit stage left.
I like Manny's thinking on playing Flop in LF. I really do. I'm interested to see who gets dropped from the roster when Lannan gets called up tomorrow (Sunday?). Mackowkiawak? Willie Harris? Someone from the bullpen?
In other news, Cordero's shoulder seems to be ok, and he will pitch Sunday at the earliest. Hooray. I wonder what that does to Rauchie? Back to set-up man? I thought this was so simple coming out of spring training. Our great starters give us 6-7 innings. If they can't go that long, Hanny or Ayala for middle relief. Ray King as a LOOGY, and LOOGY only, Manny! Leading to Rauchie and Chad to close it out.
Funny how a bullpen can look so bad in two games, ain't it?
I tried to watch it on a P2P program, one called TvAnts. Recommended by a friend. What a fucker he was. His stream was working fine, but mine said, "Please wait while buffering..." It said this for 2 hours. I shit you not. When Gameday was locking up, I looked at that "Please wait while buffering...", teasing me, in the corner of my screen.
Actual snippet of a chat I was having at the time with a friend:
The next weekday day game is 5/15 @ the Mets. I gotta get me a solution by then, or my computer may look like this.3:35 PM me: I'm trying to watch a P2Pstream on TvAnts"please wait while buffering...."FUCK YOU, YOU BUFFERING PIG FUCKER!3:37 PM COCK SHIT DAMN!I want to see this rally.
And the Dictatorship here hates buying anything new, for anyone.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The team had 11 LOB?
Well, at least the bullpen, our strength coming out of spring training, performed well.
3 earned runs in 4 innings? The Burger King faced 4 batters, hit one, gave up two hits, and allowed 1 run in .02 IP? Shit, call that a good outing for him, says I!
Don't even start talking bout my boy, Hanny. Dude still has 3K's in 1.2 IP's. Let's see you fuckers do that.
So, I'm going to bed with illusions of grandeur. Fuck all you mopers. Zim's leading us to the promised land!
And don't think I've forgotten about you, Colome. Your days are numbered, sir. I wonder who they're dropping from the roster to make room for Lannan?
Ya, I'm crying too.
This just in from the Nats:
Great! Super! Fantastic! Anyone remember Soriano doing the same thing? I do. It took him months to adjust. He got to play the OF for all of spring training. Flop, meanwhile? Ya, he shagged a few balls during BP, I hear.
Lopez - according to GM Jim Bowden on MASN - will be playing left field Thursday afternoon. Never mind that the team is perfect thus far. Never mind that Lopez has never played outfield - at any level.
Jesus H. Christ
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I thought I lived in America. I thought my baseball team represented America. You know, the land of the free, home of the brave, and all that. Well, folks, I was wrong.
My work blocked me from youtube long ago, but anyone could use a web proxy to anonymously surf there.
I tried to use old reliable, VTunnel.com today. Guess what? DENIED!
TrendMicro IWSS Security Event (iwss4)
Rule: Block URLs of type Web Reputation - Very Low
If you feel you have reached this message in error, please contact PcHelp at extension 4292.Access to this URL is currently restricted due to a blocking rule.
Commies!!! Fascist Pigs!!!! Evil Tyrants!!!!!! FUCKING NAZIS!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanna watch, I dunno, some Daft Bodies once in a while. Maybe some George Washington eating opponents brains and inventing cocaine. Certainly that time the ball bounced of Jose Canseco's head and went for a homer. Is that too much to ask? For those interested in working here, you can send your resume to:
P'yongyang, North Korea.
This just in from the always reliable (I mean rumorlicious) mlbtraderumors.com:
the Nationals and Tigers discussed Chad Cordero this spring. Their source believes the Tigers' interest will heighten if their bullpen struggles early on. The article doesn't cover suggest it, but the Tigers could also consider relievers Jon Rauch or Luis Ayala.
Now, I'm not saying to give Cordero away for nothing, but Jimmy B better deal him before either Rauch or Ayala. Go on over to mlbtraderumors.com to read the rest of it. It touches on the fact that right now Chad's stock is low. Mostly because he's broken.
BTW, the scissors looked the wrong way at Zim, and he destroyed them. Like Petey Moylan.
Anyway, the story of the game was offense. The 2 - 7 hitters ALL had at least one RBI. The 1 hitter, Goozie, got on base twice, however, and scored both times. The biggest loser? Willie Harris. I know, you're fucking shocked. Hey, Willie, thanks a shit load for that 0h for four. Loser.
Blastings hit a freaking moon shot 2 run job in the sixth that hit a Phillie fan in the head. He woke up speaking perfect English, and had impeccable manners. The Federal Government is thinking of allowing the Nationals to take batting practice in CBP, with the residents of Philly packing the outfield stands while blindfolded.
Kearnsie had a 2 run 2B, and Slick went 2-4 with two runs scored. Be very afraid, NL ball clubs. This offense ain't trifling.