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Monday, June 29, 2009

Matt Chico - Bringing sexy back

No offense, Nick Johnson... but can you rock the fucking pink like Matty Chico can rock the fucking pink?


Yes, ladies... the left coast lefty made his AA rehab debut over the weekend. He also happened to do it during Harrisburg's "Pink Weekend", which is a team effort with the Senators and the Pennsylvania Breast Cancer Coalition.

So, he not only stole some hearts that night, but he stole some of cancer's evil, evil powers as well.

Be on the look out for Matty and his newly bionic left arm sometime soon at a ballpark near you (if you live in Harrisburg, Syracuse, or the DC area, anyway). He might even let you carry his glove, if you know what I mean.


(I have no idea what I mean. Seriously.)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Nick Johnson's leg to fall off?

The big blow from last night was our first baseman Nicky 'The Glass' Johnson getting plunked on the leg and growing a second foot out of his shin. (Well, that was the second biggest blow, actually. The biggest was John Smoltz's 4H 1HBP 1BB 4ER first inning. To steal a line from Bart Simpson... I didn't know it was physically possible to both suck and blow at the same time.)

Here's two pictures that I took trying to get a good idea of the mammal growing from Nick's shin just 5 minutes after being hit.


As you can see, it's certainly disconcerting. The good news? It took Barbaro eight months to die from his leg injury. The bad news? I don't think any MLB teams looked into trading for Barbaro while he was on the shelf.

Since I'm always rational, and never ever ever jump to conclusions... WE BE FUCKED!

Now, to be fair, the Nats are calling it a shin contusion, and saying Nick is day-to-day. And, again, to be fair, the Nats have had 659 injuries they called day-to-day only to wind up throwing the player on the DL one week later.

Which leads me to another topic that I've been meaning to get to, but have been way to busy lazy to actually... get to. That being, what are we going to do at first base when Nick is traded and/or dies?

There's only one option, really, and that is to put The Big Donkey at first. But who fills in for defensive relief in late innings of winning ball games those days when Dunn needs a day off?

Dmitri Young? (OMGLOLOLCOPTERBBQROFLMAOBLTLOL!!!!11!!!ELEVEN!!!1)

No, my foolish friends... I think we're looking at either Bill 'The Pillsbury Doughboy' Rhinehart or Brad Eldred. (Does Brad have a nickname? :::checks Wikipedia::: Big Country? Really? As in, Big Country? No no, won't do at all. How about 199? That's his lifetime MLB batting average.)

And we're really not looking at Bill Rhinehart. I just wanted to give him a shout out on this here blog. (Bear Down, Billy! BEAR DOWN!!!)

No, sir. I want to see Mr. '1 HR every 14.7 AB' Eldred. Hell, he's actually hitting .290/.365/.529 with 12 HR for Syracuse this year. Besides, the women can use another guy who really fills out his uniform, if you know what I mean!


Oh, my, god, Becky. Look at his butt. It is so big. *scoff* He looks like, one of those rap girls' boyfriends. But, you know, who understands those rap girls? *scoff* They only talk to him, because, he looks like a total prostitute, 'kay? I mean, his butt, is just so big. I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look! He's just so ... black!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Tyler Clippard - Free At Last

So... I waited until it was triple confirmed to post it this time. Yes, my friends, our favorite movie is just about done.


With the Nationals recalling Tyler Clippard from Syracuse, and Kipper Wells being DFA, my mission is almost complete. All that's left is for some bad ass Morgan Freeman voice over, and a reunion on the beach between Tyler and... well... who ever he bonded with in jail Syracuse. So, if you will, read this in your best Red voice...
In 2009, Tyler Clippard escaped from Syracuse prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of Chiefs clothes, a bar of soap, and an old baseball glove, damn near worn down to the nubs. .... That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a low god-damned ERA. Like I said, in AAA a man will do anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Tyler's favorite hobby was striking fools out, and making opposing batters look bad. ..... Tyler crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.
Excuse me while I grab some tissues...

The ticker-tape parade is on God Dammit! No matter what Needham says!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

It's duck and cover time, folks.

Starting pitching line from Johnny Lannans last night:

6.1 IP 9 H 3R 2 BB 3 K

Pitching line for the rest of the 2.2 innings:

2.2 IP 8 H 8 R 3 BB 1 K

Or... for the readers that more directly relate to pictures rather than words, I can put it another way. (Feel free to click for the larger size, and save as your wallpaper!)



Now... I'm not sure about you all, but me? I'm thinking,

"GAARRRRRPPPPHHHHHLLLACCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!1"

So, get on the team a bit. Buy your asses a t-shirt, and help a brother make it to the bigs.

I actually visited Tyler last night after the game. And I'm quoting here...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Nats and their curly M

Since everyone (coughDanSteinbergcough) is on their "Nationals Fail" campaign, I thought I'd bring out an oldie but a goodie. Behold the wonder that is... the debacle that came from visor giveaway day of May 2008.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Where in the world is Tyler Lee Clippard?

Did you buy your 'Free Clippard' shirt yet? Of course you haven't. (Which makes me sad, but that's a whole other post...) It's all good, though. I'll just pimp my shirt by my bad ass self.

Imagine the smile that hit my face when I ran across this in Brian from NFA's Twitter feed on Sunday morning.
NFA_BrianRHRP Tyler Clippard called up from Syracuse by #Nats ... no corresponding move yet (Colome to DL?)
Oh, JOY! I ran over to MLB's official transaction log to double check.


Sweet! They did recall him. I then run over to the Nationals site and check their 25 man roster.


Sweet! He's on the 25 man roster. There was a whole lot of speculation that Clippard was replacing Jesus Colome, since Colome left Saturday night's game in the 11th with what was called a 'right quad strain.'

"This just keeps getting better and better", I said at the time. So I ran down to Party City and bought a shit load of ticker tape. I was going to throw Clippard a party, whether he knew it or not, dammit.

Well, imagine the look on my face when Jesus 6.97 ERA Colome saunters out to pitch the 6th inning of Sunday's game. Since My animals can't take pictures of me (That whole opposable thumb shit and all), you're stuck with yet another picture of one of my pets. This time it's my lil' puppy I just picked up. I named him Mikey Mac after our new superstar one pitch closer. His expression mirrored mine.


So... Tyler Clippard is lost. Where is he? No one really knows for sure. All I know is that when I went to Party City to return my ticker tape they refused to take it back. "We're sorry" they said. "This ticker tape's been used." Apparently you can't take all the ticker tape out of the bag, hurl it off your roof onto the neighborhood dogs as they poop, and then stuff it back into bags and attempt to get a refund. Whatever. I'll just keep it and give myself a parade every time I walk down the street. Wearing my bad ass Free Clippard shirt.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

John Lannan silences loud ass New Yorkers.

Eyebrows threw one hell of a game last night. If I wrote for the New York Post, my headline wouldn't read, "Bit By Nats", as it did this morning. (How fucking original, btw.)

Nay... mine would read as big as possible for all the world to see....

LANNAN IS THE MANNAN!!!

And that's why I'm not a sports editor.

Anywhoo... last night was nothing short of super fucking fragalistic by Johnny Lannans. 8 1/3 IP, 4 Hits, 4 K, 1 BB, 2 ER. (Which were cheap ass wind tunnel aided right field HR.) He only faced 5 batters over the minimum, and had the Yankees fans quiet as a pedophile in prison.

The Big Donkey crushed a homerun to right that didn't need any help from that that dirty New York air to get out, (Two notes on the highlight... 1) don't ever throw something soft, down, and in to Dunn on a 3-0 count and 2) too bad it wasn't the MASN feed, cause that feed showed his wife and kid right after the HR. I'm pretty sure they both starred in one of the Children of the Corn movies.) and Nick the Stick tripled in the fifth to drive in two more runs. Those three runs were all Eyebrows needed.

Until the 9th, that is. Johnny gave up a leadoff cheapie shot to Damon, got a pop out, then gave up a single to Teixeira. Manny (Is he still the manager? I'm pretty sure FOX Sports said he got fired last weekend?) pulled Johnny at that point and brought in Mike "damn you in the face" MacDougal. Mac promptly allowed a pinch runner to advance all the way to third on stolen bases, and walked A-Rod.

(I twittered this the other night, but I'm repeating it anyway. After MacDougal came on to start the 8th inning against the Yankees on Tuesday, he only managed to record one out while walking two, striking out none, and giving up a hit and a run to four batters. As he walked off the mound, my tweet was, "Another reliever shoves Manny further out the door. I wonder if MacDougal will have the common courtesy to at least give him a reach-around. Gah!" That's PURE GOLD, Jerry, so be sure you follow me @section138.)

Again with the ranting... my bad. Anyway, the situation was electric in Yankee Stadium. I was having a fucking heart attack. I couldn't sit down, and wore a path in the carpet from my pacing. I felt like I wanted to die, because deep down, I think I knew what was going to happen (Bullpen. Assplode). I'll let the great Chico Harlan finish it up with a quote from his gamer:
Runners were on first and third, one out, in a one-run game. The place was bonkers. Those in the Nationals dugout had experienced four consecutive games with late blown leads, and here was MacDougal, pitching to Canó, with hits in seven of his last nine at-bats. Canó fouled off two, then looked at two balls. MacDougal was throwing high-90s fastballs, no exceptions.

"Should I maybe mix in a slider?" he thought.

No -- catcher Josh Bard kept asking for the heat.

Four more fastballs, and Canó fouled off all of them.

Then, one more pitch, and it was over. The place went quiet. Canó bounced a grounder to short. Cristian Guzmán flipped to second, starting a double play. The Nationals snapped a four-game losing streak. Lannan burst from the dugout and high-fived MacDougal on the mound.


FUCK! and YES! I lost it, and started fist pumping and yelling. My dog had no clue what was happening, so he tried to bite my face. I actually felt something in my arm pop, but I didn't care. It actually hurt for an hour or so afterwards and I was afraid it would fall off like Flores' did.

I guess my point is this... I haven't felt that excited with a win since opening day 2008, when Zim hit the walk-off HR to win the game. This game had drama. This game had a great storyline. And most of all, this game had all my hopes laying on a shitty ass bullpen.

I love you, Mikey Mac. It might only last one appearance, but for now... you're my boy.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I think the club could use Tyler Clippard


Hi, I'm Tyler Clippard, and I've done some horrible, horrible things to the folks in the front office of the Washington Nationals. I mean, what other reason could there be for me not being on the big league squad?
I guess I should try and mend some bridges...
Mr. Rizzo, I'm very sorry for running over your dog with that golf cart during spring training, but... really... who the fuck lets their dog run around the playing fields?
Mr. Acta, I'm very sorry for running over that hat that you love so much with a golf cart. You know... this one. But really, who the fuck wears fedoras anymore?
Mr. St. Claire, I'm very sorry for running over your 16 lb. stash of deer jerky in spring training with that golf cart, but, seriously, who the fuck needs that much jerky?
Mr. Lerners, I'm very sorry for crashing five golf carts during spring training. In all fairness, however, the drivers ed class at my High School was a joke. Did you know my High School has an enrollment of 2,800 kids? There were 879 other folks in my drivers ed class. That was not a very good learning environment, dammit!

So here I am. Me and my 1.02 ERA and my .991 WHIP are locked up in Syracuse.



I mean, what else does a brother gotta do to get a shot at the bigs? Seriously... peep this list of dudes that have gotten a shot this year over me:
  • Kip Wells
  • Saul Rivera
  • Garrett Mock
  • Marco Estrada
  • Jason Bergmann
  • Logan Kensing
  • Steven Shell
  • Mike Hinckley
Yet I can't make one single appearance? I'm 3-1 with a 1.02 ERA. I've struck out 41 dudes in 35.2 innings. I got me a .991 WHIP and strike out 2.73 hitters for every walk I gave up.

You'd really rather have Jesus Colome and his 8.00 ERA than me? Or Kip Wells and his 6.26 ERA?

That's it, fellas. I gotta take make this a Grassroots Campaign. I'm done being quiet. I'm launching my new t-shirt line today.


This beautiful shirt can be yours today, folks. Buy it here, or I'll have to throw at your head. And I've got 0 wild pitches, bitches, so you'd be dead, dawg.

Cue Yakkity Sax. Yet again...

The Trop down in Tampa has the bullpens in foul territory, where foul balls can reach easily. I have no idea why this is, but it is what it is. Anywhoo, when you're getting to later innings and have to warm a pitcher up you march your pitcher and your bullpen catcher out there. The catcher has his back to the game, so you need someone to protect him, and warn him to get out of the way, if needed. Who is giving this mucho important task? Well, yesterday it was 1 fucking 12 year old ball boy. So, what happens when there is a foul pop up that Willie Harris is tracking from third that heads into the bullpen? Need I ask? (Warning... Shitty ass screen grabs ahead)


video

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Draft day today. It's like Christmas, but better!

I was woken up this morning by my kitty cat standing on my face screaming. What was he screaming?


That right little Ronnie V, It's Christmas STRASMAS!

The draft starts at 6pm and is being shown on the MLB network.

Be sure to check in with Brian over at NFA all day for updates.

In the mean time, I'll be sharpening up my pitch forks in case the Nats don't take the best player available (Mike Leake, anyone?) choosing instead to take a signabilty pick with their #10 pick.

Friday, June 5, 2009

About that Adam Dunn strike out in Randy Johnson's 300th win...

You know, the one where the umpire punched Dunn out with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of eighth the with the score 2-1 Giants? Brian Wilson was brought in to hold the lead and earn Randy Johnson his 300th win. If the sixth pitch in this at-bat was called a ball, it would've made Johnson's start a no decision. As is was, the home plate umpire, Blindy McBlinderson, called it strike three. The Giants held the lead, and Randy got his 300th win.

I woke up this morning feeling dirty. Like that call was still all over my skin, and I couldn't get it off no matter how hard I tried. So I jumped on MLB gameday to see where the pitch was. I know, I know, it ain't exactly 100% precise, but it still gives you an idea of where the pitch was located.

So, I'm watching the pitches come in, one at a time. I see the fifth pitch come in high, for ball three, and I'm gearing up for the sixth, and final pitch. The one that I thought was low. The one that was called strike three. So, what happens? They fucking shift the strike zone down! Seriously! I made a gif of screen shots from the pitch track of the two pitches. Look how far down they shift the strike zone. It's a fucking conspiracy!! (Puts on foil hat.)




Okay, well they might be able to alter gameday, they can't alter film. I urge all of you to head on over to the video of the strikeout here. My apologies in advance to those of you that have not been subjected to the shitty ass MASN "defining moments" ad campaign, as you'll have to sit through one.

Wait you know what? No, I'm not sorry. We've had to sit through 851 of these ads every game all damn season. (Which is a post topic for another time... the 'real' Nationals defining moments.)
So, anyway, peep your eyes over there and lookie for yourself.

Since that still wasn't enough, I decided to get a screen grab from that video to do my best to show the strike call in question. Here it is in all its wonderful glory shittiness .


Now, I just want everyone to remember that
The Strike Zone shall
be determined from the batter’s stance as the batter is prepared to swing at a pitched ball. (Rule 2.00 'The Strike Zone')
That means from his upright stance as the pitcher is delivering the ball. It's not as his back leg dives as he offers as the pitch. Also, the bottom of the strike zone was defined in 1998 in this memo to umpires:
The Strike Zone is that area over home plate the upper limit of which is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the shoulders and the top of the uniform pants, and the lower limit of which is at the top of the knees. (Instructions to umpires, 1998)


So, how does that screen grab make you feel? Like throwing yourself down a flight of stairs? Yup. Me too. Zippie chance that pitch was above his knee.

And, to continue on a post from a few days ago, did you notice Manny Acta sprinting from the dugout to not only argue the bad call, but to defend his slugger Adam Dunn so that Dunn wouldn't get tossed?

Fuck and No, are the answers. It's the pivotal play of the game, and a time when managers have to step in to protect their players. He just sat on his fucking hands thinking, "I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. Just maybe later. Like next inning. I'll be all like, 'hey, blue... your mom wears army boots! Heh. That'll teach him!"

GAH!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Nationals MLB auction site is an epic debacle.

So, I stumbled across an auction site for MLB a few months back, and have checked in on the Nationals auction site to see what was there from time to time. I never really gave the items a good look, and that, I now see, was a good thing.

Nope, this time I had to get all interested and actually read the descriptions of the items.

The first item I glanced at was a signed home jersey that was made for Jackie Robinson Day 2009. It has the number 42 on it, and is signed by 21 Nationals. 18 are players, two are coaches, and one is... well, I'm not sure what the hell this person does for the team:


It's a pretty neat jersey, though. It's up to $525.00 right now, if anyone wants to bid on it. (This would also be a good time to display the locker nameplate of Martis that had the 'n' missing from his first name that I took a picture of in the Nats clubhouse. Too bad it's still on the camera's card, and not on a PC. Another day though, folks. Something to look forward to!)


Okay, I know there have been 117 Castro's to play organized ball, but there has only been one Casto. If that one player happens to play for the team whose auction site your looking at, and has his fucking name spelled correctly on the God damn item, shouldn't it be spelled right in the description?


No one has placed a bid yet, folks, so go and plop down your hard earned $6.95 now here.


To continue the spelling of the names incorrectly theme, I present to you a neat-o card for our wonderful shortstop Cristian Guzman. Err, I mean... Christian. Again, this item actually has the name spelled out correctly for the dude who types this shit out, but he couldn't bother to pay attention.


The Guzman card also introduces us to another trend I found on the Nationals auction site: Misrepresentation and hyperbole. Whatever it takes to sell the item, I guess. You see... the item's description leads me to believe that Cristian (shit, I did it again...) Christian has won the AL Triple Crown three God damn times!! (Go eat shit, Ted Williams and Rogers Hornsby. You useless fuckers only won it twice each. Amateurs!) It's only when you actually look at the card itself that you realize it means he won the AL triples crown three times. Fuck it. Small difference, right? So go throw down your seven bucks here, cause no one else has ever won three Triple Crowns.

Hey, do you like Ryan Zimmerman? Yeah, so do I. Heck, who doesn't? You know who really likes Ryan Zimmerman though? The guy who wrote these statements on two Zim cards up for auction.
Exceptional Topps rookie card of The Nationals slugging third baseman and future Gold Glove All-Star Ryan Zimmerman!
And

Outstanding Bowman autograph RC of The Nationals third baseman who is compared to HOF'er Brooks Robinson, Ryan Zimmerman!


Wow. Way to put the pressure on him there, big guy. Look, he may very well win a Gold Glove someday, and he will be an All-Star... but you don't have to scare the poor kid into thinking if he doesn't make it into the HOF he'll be a fucking failure. I'm pretty sure he works as hard as he can. Unlike you, Mr. description author. Your mother is very disappointed in you.

Want to be goaded into buying something by a statement of the utmost absurdity? It's your lucky day, my friend. For just right here, if you plop down seven hard earned dollars, you'll get yourself a 2007 Fleer Rookie Sensations card of Scott Olsen. Now wait a second... Scotty ain't that bad. I mean, the author would like to point something out to you, and he's not kidding when he says:
Fantastic looking rookie card of The Nationals lefty starter who should blossom into a 15+ game winner Scott Olsen!
Holy fucking shit. Okay, I can only hope that he is kidding. 15+ wins? This is the same Scott Olsen who has averaged only 10 wins in the three seasons he's had more than 31 starts, right? The one whose baseball-reference page lists his 10 most similar pitchers here, and show those ten averaged 6.4 wins a year in their careers? Gah!

And finally, I leave you with this gem which has this awesomely insane description of a Stephen Englund card:
Certified Authentic Rookie Autographed card of the Washington Nationals top young prospect

Jesus. Christ. For reals? Top prospect? Stephen Englund? This is a kid who has hit .189/.310/.253 in four seasons of rookie, short season, and low A ball! Allow my seal to do my talking, if you please...


Englund wouldn't sniff the top 50 prospect list for the Nats. (No offense, Stephen, but you have... no offense. Dude... you're hitting .112/.187/.143 in Hagerstown this year.) So, what makes it worth throwing seven bucks on it? It's autographed!

Oh, I just got an idea. If any of you readers (that I love so much) would like my autograph, you can paypal me at my email address that is on the top right of the page. And I'll only charge you $6. Win - win situation? I think so.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Jesus Flores and Randy St. Claire out

Well, pitching coach Randy St. Claire got the boot today. Also, it turns out Jesus' arm actually did fall off.

I can't even begin to describe how down I am right now. Randy's out of the organization, and Jesus could be out for the year.

I'll leave the emotional expression to my neighbor, Ronald. I was out getting the mail, and ran into Ronald. He hadn't heard about Randy or Jesus, so I told him. Then I snapped this picture.



I'm actually so bummed right now, I don't want to talk about it. I'll post more tomorrow. Maybe. If I haven't sucked my exhaust pipe. Ugh.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jesus Flores being Jesus leads to shoulder problems

Well, we were all set to have our starting catcher back for this past weekend's series against the Philthies. Jesus had been on the DL since May 9th, after catching a foul ball of his right shoulder. He had rehabbed down up in Harrisburg, and had played in 3 games there (one as a DH, but he caught the two others). He had two attempted steals against him, and he got one runner.

Apparently, something happend in one (or all?) of those games to make the Nats, and our starting catcher nervous. The call up to the club scheduled for the Friday was cancelled, and he had an MRI taken by the team doctor, Wiemi Douoghui. Well, it seems like the Nats are not willing to trust good ol' Dr. Douoghui, and are sending him to Birmingham, Alabama to see the person that no sports fan ever wants their players to see, Dr. James Andrews.

The Nats say they're just getting a second opinion (although we have no clue what the first opinion was) and they are going to shut Jesus down for the weekend, with throwing to resume some point after that. The Dr. Andrews visit is today, and there's no doubt what the visit will reveal. Jesus obviously takes his real job seriously (you know... saving all of mankind and what not), and devoted this past off season to going to leper colonies and healing them. Now his arm has fallen off due to all the contact with said lepers. Fan. Fucking. Tastic.