Thursday, June 23, 2011

Nats just won 11 of 12 and... wait, WHAT!?!?!

Video I just received from the Nationals clubhouse after the game. In it, you can clearly see Jim Riggleman talking to the Nationals front office.

More, on tonight's 11 PM newscast, only on Section138 News.

It's Giffmas, my friends.

Well, hello there, fine people. My apologies for being gone five days, but I've been pretty swamped with work. Oh, and I was also so damn excited after Wilson Ramos' walk-off HR on Tuesday night that I ran to downtown Rockville to celebrate with the other three Nats fans. We were hooting and hollering, and then it turned into a riot donnybrook pathetic display.
We got all boisterous and flipped over a cop car motorcycle moped. Then we stared lighting huge bonfires sparklers. Fucking good times. I didn't make it home until 11:15, so I was dog tired. No energy for punching the keyboard at all yesterday.
But, I'm back, and today I present to you three Gifs. Two of Mikey Mo*, and one of El-Drew-K. 
(*Bill Simmons-esque footnote! I grew up playing a lot of baseball, and even played in some adult leagues until my shoulder finally gave out. (I play softball occasionally, but it's just not the same without the take-out slides, destroying catchers, and popping greenies and roids.) With this baseball playing, I collected, and used, baseball lingo over the years. "Hitterish" wasn't anything new, but I thoroughly enjoyed it being brought back. What's my point? Well, I'm kicking myself for not using "Mikey Mo" before The Contract® mentioned it. I mean, God dammit, I used "Mikey Mac" for Mike MacDougal, and even "Mikey Rizz" for Mike Rizzo back in '09. How, then, could Werth beat me to something so obvious? Maybe I'm losing it in my old age. Let's see if Jayson can keep up w/the nicknames when he's as old as I am, though. Shiiiit, his nickname for the new center fielder Eury Perez is gonna be "Eury Perez" when he gets to be my age in a couple years.)
Okay, first gif. I noticed last night that Mikey was repeating a motion before stepping into the batters box. It's just to remind him of something in his swing, but hell if it don't look like he's getting down to "Take On Me" like the rest of us.

The other two gifs are after the jump, as I don't want anyone's computer locking up loading the gifs from the front page. I mean, I may act like I don't care about you guys, but in truth... I do.

Ahhh.... /sniffles. GROUP HUG, MOTHERTRUCKERS!!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Can you slow down a tad, Espi?

Christ on a pogo stick, Espi... can you regress just a tad so you don't dominate this blog so much? I'm tempted to rename it "Danny Espinosa (as viewed from Section 138, my couch, my local bar, and on MLB Network highlights)." Save some glory for the rest of the team, homie!
So, I was watching last night's game with great enjoyment as Werth and The Shark did some yard work in the 1st inning, Morse doubled in the 4th and was driven in by Danny Espinosa, and Laynce Nyix homered in the 6th. Unfortunately, the Cardinals scored in the 8th and the 9th to tie the game up and send in into extra innings. The bottom of the 10th unfolded like the most beautiful... folded thingie ever. Zim singled, Morse then got hit by Fernando Salas (At which point I immediately picked up my phone and called the visitor's clubhouse. I got forwarded to the voice mail for Fernando's locker (What, you didn't know that each locker is wired up to the phone system and has its own voice mail? Guys, this here is the big leagues, alright? The clubhouses at Nats Park are first class. High quality all the way. No bush-league antics here. Shiiiiiiiiiiiit.), and left Salas the following message. "If you wanna go after an athlete... one of MY athletes... that's garbage!  Attacking an athlete... Are you kidding me? Come after me! I'm a man! I'm (in a few years...) forty! Makes me wanna puke." I haven't received a call back from Salas yet, but I'm assuming that's because he's scared of me, and wants to let me cool off a tad so I don't beat him up. Can't say i blame him, though. I got fists like grenades. One punch, and POW, bitches! /puts on Affliction shirt and get's ready to head to the gym.

So, where were we? Oh yeah, bottom of the 10th, Zim on 2nd, Morse on 1st, and up steps Danny Espinosa. Do I really need to explain what happens next? Bing, pow, boom, bing. Home run. Game's over. Let's go get a taco. Now, I swear to you, I had no intentions of making a video out of it today, I've made a shit-ton of those, and I don't want that to be the norm on this here blog. But... I had David Huzzard call me out in front of all of the Twitters.

Well, David, here it is. Just for you. I hope you cry watching it, cause I cried making it. 

Ahhh.. The sweet, sweet sounds of Bette Midler. (Sniffle) Now, if you can't get that song out of your head, you know who to blame.
Oh, almost forgot... After last night's win, here are today's NL East standings:


Hooray! Now no one can say that lame "First in war, first in peace, last in the National League East" line. That really grinded my gears. Anyway, you know what that means...

...Time for everyone to HOP ABOARD! BEEP, BEEP, BITCHES, GET OUT DA WAY!


(Mostly because the driver is high on cat nip and drunk on... well... alcohol. Look, I hate being the enabler, but you should see the scene at night when I try and go upstairs to bed. He whines, and gives me kitty cat eyes while meowing, "But I can't get to sleep without it, Gavin! Please!? Just add some bourbon to my water dish. Just half a cup! I swear, last time!" And stupid me, I always act like it's the last time, too. So, while you hop on his bus, please remember to buckle up, and call your loved ones. Let them know you love them. Oh, and he takes that white line up front int he aisle by him very seriously. If anyone crosses it, he slams on the brakes and crash, they go right out the window.)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Another Danny Espinosa Video?

Yes, this is another Danny Espinosa video. It may also be the shortest highlight video of all time, as well. Why is it so short? Because I am a no-talent hack, and a lazy one at that. I had grandiose ideas for this video, but once I started, I realized how much work it would be, so I acted like LeBron James and just said, "Screw it, me done." (A LeBron James joke! Not only am I multi-sport knowledgeable, but I'm also un-original, as every person on planet Earth has already made a LeBron joke.)

Yay. I didn't waste a lot of your time today! (Be sure to pay me back with... well, how bout money? I accept PayPal.) In case you weren't sure what you just witnessed, it was an 8 second clip with sound effects from a 1985 video game*. Now, how many Nats blogs give you that kind of quality content? (The answer: just this one, baby!)

Now, if the Nats can actually sweep the Cardinals, I may just make a 16 second clip with Zelda* or Metroid* sound effects! Cross your toeses, people!

(*Quiet, you! I know these games may be dated but you're lucky I didn't make you suffer through some Intellivision game sound effects. I remember Burger Time well, and if you guys start complaining, I may have to make a video of Livan walking from the mound to the dugout, all the while having his steps sound just like that pudgy chef walking across lettuce, buns, and burgers. I timed Livan once, and it took him 2 minutes and 17 seconds to travel those 100 feet. Is that what you want?!)

Monday, June 13, 2011

ZNN is the only network worth watching, and Clipp still has it.

On this busy Monday, I'mma do this quick style. Bullet points please, Blogger.
  • This Nats offense was excruciating to watch, averaging 2.25 runs/game during this 4 game set in San Diego. These guys scored less than the Chess Club on prom night.
  • Jordan Zimmermann is legit. Like, legit legit. He's like Otto Man. If you see him, he's taking your ass to school.
  • Tyler Clippard continues to just dominate fools. His inning total is high, so there's a little bit of concern about overuse, but for right now, he's dealing. His high fastball is such a thing of beauty, that shit belongs in The Louvre. (Although if you ask the hitters, they say it's so filthy, it belongs in Penthouse. (Is Penthouse still relevant? I have no idea, so discuss porn in the comments, if you like.))
Two other quick things, first is a gif from Saturday night. I title it: Uber prospect Anothony Rizzo meets uber bullpen dude Tyler Clippard.

Eat dirt, pal. Have a seat, lunch meat. You missed that Clipp high fastball like Karen Carpenter missed breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And second, I haven't pimped my shirts in a while, but I wanted to point out that I modified two of my shirts. The ZNN shirts are now available with his number 27 in Nats numbering style on the back for $20.90.
The other Zimmerman(n) (Ryan) had his shirt modified, as well. I pulled the font from the front of the shirt, and added his 11 to the back. The original is still available. This shirt also runs $20.90. Peep the pics below. Clicking on the images will take you to the shop. My kid just turned one-years-old, people. She's gonna need me to start buying her real clothes now, instead of just wrapping her in Safeway bags.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Suspensions! Oh, boy!

Well, the discipline for last Sunday's battle in Arizona came out, and it's a joke. Joe Garagiola, Jr. (who is the senior vice president of standards and on-field operations for MLB) gave Jason Marquis a 5 game sit down, Esmerlin Vazsquez a 3 game benching, and both managers a one game suspension.
I overreacted on Twitter yesterday and screamed:

"Marquis gets 5 games, but Vasquez only 3? Well, shouldn't be a surprise as the man handing out the sentence was the GODDAMN AZ GM at 1 point"

Well, I was quickly put in my place by Dave over at Nats News Network, as he kindly reminded me that Jason (being a starting pitcher) will only miss one game, as he only starts every fifth game, whereas Vasquez is a reliever, and will miss three actual games. I took my punishment like a man*, and sulked away from the Internet for a bit. I saw my wife later in the day and she said, "Why so down, clown?" So, I told her about my Twitter overreaction, and how I was chided for it, and she jumped into her Twitter-mobile to throw this out to her 13 followers, all in my defense.

"But wait, Marquis is not only a starter (pitching every 5th), he is also a pinch runner and a pinch hitter."

Vindication! Exoneration! Victory is mine! See that, Garagiola? Your punishment is unjust, dammit! You... You... (Shit... I don't know what physical features of yours to make fun of as a Google image search for you turns up, like, 60 gazillion different people. I mean... Jesus... I had no idea that name was so damn common. Oh, lookie... someone named Joe Garagiola, Jr. looks just like Andre Ethier. And Josh Hamilton. And... a young Asian man.)

Ah, screw it. I don't need to make fun of your physical appearance, because I can make fun of your lazy approach to your job. See, I got a hold of the tape that was sent to the League office, the very same one you used to justify your Marquis five game suspension.And while I can see how B.J. Justin Upton convinced you he was hurt (thanks to the home plate umpire wearing a microphone, and that audio added to the TV feed), I can also tell you were a lazy malazy chore-shirker. Oh yeah, Joe... I can tell that you only watched the beginning of the tape. Now, on my blog, I will out you for the sloth that you are! I present to the world... The video tape that I had to smuggle out of the MLB offices, with my very life at stake.... BEHOLD!

Damn, Joe. I'm surprised you even made it to work to lazily look at the tape. I would've imagined you only drove 1/3 of the way to the office, only to turn back. Do you dress yourself with that same attitude as well? Are you wearing one only one sock, with a half-buttoned dress shirt and no pants? I bet you are, you pant-less son of a bitch!

*I in no way took my chiding like a man. Instead, I replied to Dave with, "Valid point. I will continue w/my stance that Joe Garagiola, Jr. is both an idiot & a stupid doo-doo head, however." Hey, if there's one thing I can say I'm vigilant about, it's staying immature. Without my child-like outlook on life, I would've killed Ray King, Rob Dibble, Garrett Mock, Felipe Lopez...
Shit... mentioning these names again makes me want tO....

ARGH! GAVIN ANGRY! GAVIN SMASH! GAVIN GET IN CAR TO DRIVE TO RAY KING'S HOUSE! GAVIN NOW AT RAY KING'S HOUSE! GAVIN FIND RAY KING! GAVIN SAY, "I KILL YOU, RAY KING. BEG FOR MERCY, RA...oh, hi, Ray. That's a juicy looking burger you're eating, Ray. Can I have one? Thanks." /Nom Nom "Umm, boy... that was a tasty burger. Now... PREPARE TO DIE!" GAVIN SMASH AND MAIM AND KILL! ON TO FELIPE LOPEZ' HOUSE NOW...

Monday, June 6, 2011

I needed an IV after Sunday's game.

Jesus, that game had more ups and downs than Edgar Allan Poe. (You see, cause he was bi-polar and was prone to mood swings... You didn't know Poe was bi-polar? Crap... how about... Kurt Cobain? Cool? Cool.)

Jesus, that game had more ups and downs than Kurt Cobain.
I was so exhausted that I needed to get an IV drip in the living room after the game. (Before 2006 I would've popped a couple greenies, but since MLB made them illegal in that year, I've stopped taking them. You think I'mma risk my blogging career by testing positive? Shiiiiiiit, son.)

I don't need to re-hash the game, as you can find the write ups here, here, here, and here. I do want to focus on three things, though.

First - the ejection of Jason Marquis. With one out and a runner on first, in a one run game, Marquis threw a sinker inside that just kept moving inside and ended up hitting B.J. Justin Upton. (Upton put on an award-worthy acting performance when he flopped to the ground "writhing" in pain, only to hop to his feet moments later and run to first base, but that's another post in itself.) It was an obvious non-intentional HBP, but the umpire decided he could see into Marquis' brain and noticed there was intent. So he chucked Marquis (and Riggles) out of the game. You can see the video here, but I just wanted to transcribe Ray Knight's color commentary on the situation. It was...

"Oh that's ridiculous. Good gracious alive the dad-gum score of the game is one zip. You seriously think he's trying to hit somebody there? Are you flipping serious? That's ridiculous. I don't care if he's been hit 12 times, the score of the ball game is one to nothing, there's no way a starting pitcher is gonna hit somebody in retaliation.
You're not gonna hit somebody in a game situation like that. If you're gonna hit him, you're gonna hit
him a week later, a month later, the next time you play. That's stupid. You've GOT to be kidding."

..epic? Ray was hotter than a June bug, I tell ya! Hoo-boy!

Second - Danny Espinosa getting plunked. Video of this dastardly deed can be found here, but this is all you need to know about it: 1) Espi was this goddamn close to performing the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on all them Diamondback motherfuckers. And 2) The MASN feed had a great shot of the dugout railing as Espi was being convinced to spare the Diamondback's slithery lives. I now present to you, what I title as...


(Titled that because that's what I imagine Livan is screaming to himself as he's vaulting the railing.)

Thirdly - Let's wrap this up with The Rhino, Vamos Ramos, not only showing up the D-Backs, but making sure they knew he was doing it, as well. After Espinosa was plunked, Ramos came up and hit a 3 run bomb. He circled the bases rather slowly,* but that could have been due to him being hobbled by a bad shin, caused by a foul ball striking him there earlier in the game. When asked if he ran slower than usual due to the fact that he was injured, Wilson manned the fuck up, and said that no, the slow trot was to prove a point - that "I wanted to see those guys angry."

He's guaranteed a fastball in the ribs the next time the Diamonbacks and Nats play, but he's also guaranteed an icy cold cerveza, and my daughter's hand in marriage, cause that right there is some GROWN-ASS-MAN action.

*There's a guy out there that actually times all the home run trots around the league. He hasn't updated Sunday's game yet, but I clocked it (via the video) at 28.41 seconds. Wilson's average trot the three previous time the guy has clocked him? 23.46 seconds. Ramos let the D-Backs soak in his awesome presence an extra 5 seconds. That, my friends, is so charitable and noble of him, as they are all better men for being exposed to his golden fucking glow. Maybe some of them even gained an ability they lacked before last night - the power to impregnate females.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Danny Espinosa likes to hit the long ball.

On Monday, Danny Espinosa homered off of Roy Halladay, which should have been more than enough for any regular Major Leaguer. But, Daniel is no ordinary Major Leaguer, so he followed that up by homering off Cliff Lee the following day, and not just once, but twice. It was an Ruthian Espinosian effort by our dirt baggy little second baseman, and proved that Danny scoffs at your large contracts, your large reputations, and your large Cy Young awards. (Are they large, actually? Shit if I know. You think I have one sitting in my living room, or something?)
The second of the homers off of Lee was just a punishing shot to center that made its way up into the Red Porch. I hear the ball ended up in the Red Porch bar, actually, and asked for a beer. When asked for ID, the ball replied, "Bitch, Danny Espinosa sent me up here, and you gonna hassle me for an ID? Shit, I got half a mind to go tell Danny that you up here harassing me.You want me to do that, Mr. Bartender? You want me to go bug Danny?"


(Okay, you caught me. That didn't really happen. What gave it away? Was it that I had the ball ask for a beer? It was, wasn't it... I knew I should've had it ask for a vodka and cranberry. Dammit.)

On to the video tape! What you have here is Danny's second home run. As always, I can never figure out why MASN has the dugout microphones muted, so I turned them up to hear what a Danny at bat and congratulatory dugout visit sound like.

Whoa. Cool. Danny's helmet "bongs" if you bang it? Well, looks like I know what I'm getting arrested for the next time I'm at the park.