Behold... the power of lip hair.
You're rocking the shit out that stash, Bally. Thanks for trying to fill Nick Johnson's shoes.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Collin Balester joins the Tweeple.
Well, we all remember Collin had his blog that ran for a little while, right? (Right??) Well, Bally has jumped feet first into the land of Twitter. You can follow him and his tweets here. So far it's been a nice Twitter feed. We've heard about him shattering windows off the tee box and how he dominates in kickball. The best thing so far, though?
Behold... the power of lip hair.
You're rocking the shit out that stash, Bally. Thanks for trying to fill Nick Johnson's shoes.
Behold... the power of lip hair.
You're rocking the shit out that stash, Bally. Thanks for trying to fill Nick Johnson's shoes.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Jim Riggleman given the full-time manager job.
Yes, folks, Jimmie Riggs just had the interim tag pulled off his title. Your manager of the Washington Nationals for 2010 and... well... beyond is the local boy made good that took over last year for Tony Robbins Manny Acta part way through the season. I found out last night and gave GM Mike Rizzo a call to ask a few questions. The following is a transcript of the conversation*.
Me: Mike, thanks for taking a few minutes of your time, I appreciate it.
Rizzo: No problem. Happy to do it. I'm actually at dinner, though, so we need to make it brief.
Me: Will do. Actually, I guess I'll combine two questions into one to get this done twice as fast. First, what did you order, and second, why Jim Riggleman over the other candidates?
Rizzo: Well, I was wanting something top shelf, really tasty and good, but with the situation being what it is I settled for something from the rail. You know, house stuff.
Me: Can you expand on that?
Rizzo: Sure, sure. I really wanted a scrumptious 12 oz filet with a delicious Caymus Special Selection Cabernet Sauvignon . Then, I figured that with me having a cold and no taste or smell, it wouldn't make any sense right now. So I went with the hamburger and a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo.
Me: I see, and what about the answer to second question, the hiring of Jim Riggleman?
Rizzo: Uh, I was talking about Jim.
Me: Of course you were. Right. Sorry. So what did you end up ordering to eat, then?
Rizzo: I just had a mixed greens salad with chicken.
Me: Sounds delicious. Any concern about Riggleman and him handling such a young pitching staff? Strasburg and Zimmermann in particular?
Rizzo: No, not at all, why would you ask?
Me: Well, according to Keith Law, when Riggleman was managing the Cubs in 1998, he had then 21 year old Kerry Wood exceed 120 pitches in eight out of his 26 starts. Also, in start number 25, Riggleman had Wood throw 133 pitches.
Rizzo: ....
Me: You there, Mike?
Rizzo: /Muffled yelling
"Outta my way, tubby, I need to undo a horrible wrong!"
"But, sir... you haven't paid your bill!"
"Fuck your bill, pal, he's gonna break my poor Strasburg in half!"
/CLICK
*Real/dream, who knows? I confuse reality with make-believe often.
Me: Mike, thanks for taking a few minutes of your time, I appreciate it.
Rizzo: No problem. Happy to do it. I'm actually at dinner, though, so we need to make it brief.
Me: Will do. Actually, I guess I'll combine two questions into one to get this done twice as fast. First, what did you order, and second, why Jim Riggleman over the other candidates?
Rizzo: Well, I was wanting something top shelf, really tasty and good, but with the situation being what it is I settled for something from the rail. You know, house stuff.
Me: Can you expand on that?
Rizzo: Sure, sure. I really wanted a scrumptious 12 oz filet with a delicious Caymus Special Selection Cabernet Sauvignon . Then, I figured that with me having a cold and no taste or smell, it wouldn't make any sense right now. So I went with the hamburger and a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo.
Me: I see, and what about the answer to second question, the hiring of Jim Riggleman?
Rizzo: Uh, I was talking about Jim.
Me: Of course you were. Right. Sorry. So what did you end up ordering to eat, then?
Rizzo: I just had a mixed greens salad with chicken.
Me: Sounds delicious. Any concern about Riggleman and him handling such a young pitching staff? Strasburg and Zimmermann in particular?
Rizzo: No, not at all, why would you ask?
Me: Well, according to Keith Law, when Riggleman was managing the Cubs in 1998, he had then 21 year old Kerry Wood exceed 120 pitches in eight out of his 26 starts. Also, in start number 25, Riggleman had Wood throw 133 pitches.
Rizzo: ....
Me: You there, Mike?
Rizzo: /Muffled yelling
"Outta my way, tubby, I need to undo a horrible wrong!"
"But, sir... you haven't paid your bill!"
"Fuck your bill, pal, he's gonna break my poor Strasburg in half!"
/CLICK
*Real/dream, who knows? I confuse reality with make-believe often.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Ryan Zimmerman wins 2009 Gold Glove Award.
Yay, Zimmy! Let's hope it doesn't weigh you down too much and take away your range. Looks good on ya, kid.
So... about that AFL squad...
Well, I was all set to see two Nats prospects play in the AFL Rising Stars Game last Saturday. Then, word came out that Stephen Strasburg was pulled from the start because of a neck injury. Given that he's now a National, and injuries only prove horribly horrible, I decided to dig into the issue, and see what the real deal was. I traveled to Arizona (In my mind! Beat that, Uri Geller!) and back in time (Take that, Doc Brown!) to see the throwing session that caused Stras the injury. I must warn you... if you have small children reading this blog, you may want to have them turn away. And you may want to reconsider your parenting model. I'm not sure I would subject my kid to "shit goddamn" as often as it is uttered here. Anyway... onto the film...
Gah! SHIT GODDAMN! But hey, I hear this Strasburg kid is tough, so maybe he can just rub some dirt on it and he'll be okay.
But, it wasn't all bad for the Nats in the Future Stars game. My bestest buddy, Drew Storen, made an appearance. It's justtoo bad the home plate umpire decided not to show up, though. Drew came into the game in the bottom of the 8th with his squad up one run. He battled the first hitter, throwing at least 7 pitches to the guy, if my shitty memory is correct. He had the dude 2-2, and absolutely froze him on a breaking ball. Perfect pitch. I swear. Check it below.
Am I right? It may appear to be a tad low, but the ball passes the plate before the catcher catches it. I'm convinced Blue screwed the pooch on this call. I froze the video at the point I feel the ball crossed the plate.
Those that have followed this blog since the beginningare insane know that I umpired everything from 7 year olds, to Varsity, to wood bat Travel Leagues. In the words of some of the parents that got me to eventually quit umpiring, "Fuck you, Blue! - It's all about you, Blue! - Way to rob my son, Blue! - If my kid commits suicide over this, Blue, I'm gonna fucking hunt you down and kill you!" (Seriousness alert! - All but the last one I actually heard directed towards me. Mostly in NOVA Varsity games. What's with these parents these days?)
Anyway, Even if the ball crossed the plate where the catcher caught it, I still feel the tip of the ball touched the bottom of the zone. What happened next? The batter hit a weak sauce infield single to the second baseman, who couldn't get a handle on it. Then up stepped the catcher, Matt McPoopy, who hit (sorry, Drew) a grooved fastball over the left field wall for a 2R HR. I can only assume McStupid was looking fastball, and Storen gave him one up in the zone. The good news? Drew acted like a goddamn closer should, shook it off, and got the next three batters out in a row with a ground out, and two Ks. Atta boy, Drew. Even if you did do it in long-ass soup-sandwich looking pants. I can look past a player crushing my hopes and dreams if it means betterment of the team. Hell, if I cared too much about every time something crushed me, I would've been dead when Shawshank was robbed at the 1994 Oscars. (Fuck you, Forrest Gump!)
Today is also GOLDEN WEDNESDAY! The NL Gold Glove awards are announced, and Zim should certainly be heading home with the 3rd base trophy. What's that? Derek Jeter won for AL SS yesterday?
Fuck.
Gah! SHIT GODDAMN! But hey, I hear this Strasburg kid is tough, so maybe he can just rub some dirt on it and he'll be okay.
But, it wasn't all bad for the Nats in the Future Stars game. My bestest buddy, Drew Storen, made an appearance. It's justtoo bad the home plate umpire decided not to show up, though. Drew came into the game in the bottom of the 8th with his squad up one run. He battled the first hitter, throwing at least 7 pitches to the guy, if my shitty memory is correct. He had the dude 2-2, and absolutely froze him on a breaking ball. Perfect pitch. I swear. Check it below.
Am I right? It may appear to be a tad low, but the ball passes the plate before the catcher catches it. I'm convinced Blue screwed the pooch on this call. I froze the video at the point I feel the ball crossed the plate.
Those that have followed this blog since the beginning
Anyway, Even if the ball crossed the plate where the catcher caught it, I still feel the tip of the ball touched the bottom of the zone. What happened next? The batter hit a weak sauce infield single to the second baseman, who couldn't get a handle on it. Then up stepped the catcher, Matt McPoopy, who hit (sorry, Drew) a grooved fastball over the left field wall for a 2R HR. I can only assume McStupid was looking fastball, and Storen gave him one up in the zone. The good news? Drew acted like a goddamn closer should, shook it off, and got the next three batters out in a row with a ground out, and two Ks. Atta boy, Drew. Even if you did do it in long-ass soup-sandwich looking pants. I can look past a player crushing my hopes and dreams if it means betterment of the team. Hell, if I cared too much about every time something crushed me, I would've been dead when Shawshank was robbed at the 1994 Oscars. (Fuck you, Forrest Gump!)
Today is also GOLDEN WEDNESDAY! The NL Gold Glove awards are announced, and Zim should certainly be heading home with the 3rd base trophy. What's that? Derek Jeter won for AL SS yesterday?
Fuck.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Could this World Series get any worse?
You know what? It could. A-Rod could not be 0-8 with 6 Ks, so I shouldn't complain too much.
Fuck it, that's the only redeeming thing in this battle of suck.
On one side you got the Phillies. Ugh. Chase Fucking Utley with his greasy ass head. That Danny Zuko looking mother fucker... leave some oil for the rest of us, Chase. Our cars need gas to run.
Then you got Jayson Werth. Way to go, Jason. It only takes you ten years to develop. You were taken in the first round of the 97 draft, dude. It take you ten years to deliver on your potential? Way to go, you Edge looking idiot.
And no knock really on Matt Stairs... except to say that he looks frighteningly like David Crosby to me at this point in his life. Seriously...
Someone else suggested that he looks like a young Wilford Brimley. Too bad you can't find a single goddamn picture of a young Wilford on the entire internets. So, David Crosby it is. Enjoy the 45 second Photoshop below, folks.
Speaking of look-a-likes, Howie Mandel is playing a mean left field for the Phillies this year.
I could go on, but I won't. This is already twenty minutes of my life talking about the Phillies that I'll never get back. The shame...
And on the other side... The Yankees. Everyone knows the number one hater of the Yankees...
But there's a shit ton of other reasons to hate them. I, however, don't want to give them the stage any longer than I absolutely must. So, with that... the last reason to hate the Yankees...
A-Rod like to punch dudes in the junk. Not cool, Alex. Not. Cool.
So, best case scenario? Massive H1N1 breakout in both clubhouses cancels the 09 Series. Or maybe Malaria? Tuberculosis? Cholera? Now that's some selective culling of the heard I could get behind.
Fuck it, that's the only redeeming thing in this battle of suck.
On one side you got the Phillies. Ugh. Chase Fucking Utley with his greasy ass head. That Danny Zuko looking mother fucker... leave some oil for the rest of us, Chase. Our cars need gas to run.
Then you got Jayson Werth. Way to go, Jason. It only takes you ten years to develop. You were taken in the first round of the 97 draft, dude. It take you ten years to deliver on your potential? Way to go, you Edge looking idiot.
And no knock really on Matt Stairs... except to say that he looks frighteningly like David Crosby to me at this point in his life. Seriously...
Someone else suggested that he looks like a young Wilford Brimley. Too bad you can't find a single goddamn picture of a young Wilford on the entire internets. So, David Crosby it is. Enjoy the 45 second Photoshop below, folks.
Speaking of look-a-likes, Howie Mandel is playing a mean left field for the Phillies this year.
I could go on, but I won't. This is already twenty minutes of my life talking about the Phillies that I'll never get back. The shame...
And on the other side... The Yankees. Everyone knows the number one hater of the Yankees...
But there's a shit ton of other reasons to hate them. I, however, don't want to give them the stage any longer than I absolutely must. So, with that... the last reason to hate the Yankees...
A-Rod like to punch dudes in the junk. Not cool, Alex. Not. Cool.
So, best case scenario? Massive H1N1 breakout in both clubhouses cancels the 09 Series. Or maybe Malaria? Tuberculosis? Cholera? Now that's some selective culling of the heard I could get behind.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
So... about that leave of absence there...
Yeah, it's been a little while... sorry about that. But I have an excuse!
You ever been married? How about engaged? If you said yes, you probably remember well how a bunch of people came up to you to tell you the one secret to a successful marriage. "Never go to bed angry," they said. You know why? Cause it's true! You know why it's true? Because when you sleep, you're most vulnerable!
My last post was Friday, September 25th. You know why? Cause that night, the wife and I went to bed angry with each other. What happened next*? I woke up with a knife handle sticking out of my chest. Crazy broad had stabbed me with a 12" butcher knife and missed my heart by inches.
I had to fall out of bed and army crawl down the stairs, aided by nature's natural lubricant - blood. I got to the phone and called the po-po. Went to the hospital, got all patched up, and now I'm back and ready to get back to blogging life. (Oh, I also have a titanium plate in my chest that I can use to fuck up dudes. I can just grab their heads and ::BAM:: slam it into my chest. I'm still deciding on my superhero name.) I'm telling you, folks, it was a harrowing tale that will soon be told on the scariest show on TV, BIO's "I Survived." (Seriously, have you seen that shit? Un-fucking-real! Whenever I watch it I end up locking all the doors, and double fisting lethal objects. I also get my dogs all worked up so that if someone breaks in, they're ready to tear some meat from some bones.)
[*Small, wee, tiny confession - None of the above is true. Well, I Survived is still the scariest show on TV, and I do whip my dogs into flesh ripping frenzies while watching, but the whole wife stabbing me thing? Yeah, made that up. Look... I just lost track of time. I didn't have anything to blog about one day. Then.. one day turned into two, then five, then... I'm really sorry about that, and I cry myself to sleep every night, I'm just so damn torn up about it. I was embarrassed so I made up that story above to cover for me. But I'm back. And things will be better than ever, you'll see! And, sweetie... if you're reading this? Love you, sugar bear! Happy three days since our first anniversary! Sorry about calling you a crazy broad!]
So, what did I miss while I was away?
Oh. Yeah. Drew Storen has turned to the dark side. Witness him on the left below, next to some other Nats pitcher who's supposed to be pretty good himself. (And shows socks!)
Yep. Despite us socks folks out-voting the pants folks 53-3, I have it on good authority that Drew has turned to a pair of Manny pants. Drew, Drew, Drew. You know who else wears Manny pants?
I'll still read your new blog posts over at NatsTown, and I'll still root for you when you're throwing, but I will not.. nay, I could not... root for your pants, sir. Unless you put Chase Utley on his ass the first three times you face him. Then? We'd be cool. We'd. Be. Cool. /Winks realllly exaggerated and slow like.
(Photo of Drew in the Hobo pants courtesy the Twitter feed of the always great Pam Storen.)
You ever been married? How about engaged? If you said yes, you probably remember well how a bunch of people came up to you to tell you the one secret to a successful marriage. "Never go to bed angry," they said. You know why? Cause it's true! You know why it's true? Because when you sleep, you're most vulnerable!
My last post was Friday, September 25th. You know why? Cause that night, the wife and I went to bed angry with each other. What happened next*? I woke up with a knife handle sticking out of my chest. Crazy broad had stabbed me with a 12" butcher knife and missed my heart by inches.
I had to fall out of bed and army crawl down the stairs, aided by nature's natural lubricant - blood. I got to the phone and called the po-po. Went to the hospital, got all patched up, and now I'm back and ready to get back to blogging life. (Oh, I also have a titanium plate in my chest that I can use to fuck up dudes. I can just grab their heads and ::BAM:: slam it into my chest. I'm still deciding on my superhero name.) I'm telling you, folks, it was a harrowing tale that will soon be told on the scariest show on TV, BIO's "I Survived." (Seriously, have you seen that shit? Un-fucking-real! Whenever I watch it I end up locking all the doors, and double fisting lethal objects. I also get my dogs all worked up so that if someone breaks in, they're ready to tear some meat from some bones.)
[*Small, wee, tiny confession - None of the above is true. Well, I Survived is still the scariest show on TV, and I do whip my dogs into flesh ripping frenzies while watching, but the whole wife stabbing me thing? Yeah, made that up. Look... I just lost track of time. I didn't have anything to blog about one day. Then.. one day turned into two, then five, then... I'm really sorry about that, and I cry myself to sleep every night, I'm just so damn torn up about it. I was embarrassed so I made up that story above to cover for me. But I'm back. And things will be better than ever, you'll see! And, sweetie... if you're reading this? Love you, sugar bear! Happy three days since our first anniversary! Sorry about calling you a crazy broad!]
So, what did I miss while I was away?
Oh. Yeah. Drew Storen has turned to the dark side. Witness him on the left below, next to some other Nats pitcher who's supposed to be pretty good himself. (And shows socks!)
Yep. Despite us socks folks out-voting the pants folks 53-3, I have it on good authority that Drew has turned to a pair of Manny pants. Drew, Drew, Drew. You know who else wears Manny pants?
The Spice Girls
Hobos
And Brett Myers, Drew. BRETT MYERS!!!
I'll still read your new blog posts over at NatsTown, and I'll still root for you when you're throwing, but I will not.. nay, I could not... root for your pants, sir. Unless you put Chase Utley on his ass the first three times you face him. Then? We'd be cool. We'd. Be. Cool. /Winks realllly exaggerated and slow like.
(Photo of Drew in the Hobo pants courtesy the Twitter feed of the always great Pam Storen.)
Friday, September 25, 2009
Zimmerman and Dukes are jive turkeys.
So, I'm watching Ryan Zimmerman hit his 31st HR (and break up a no hitter) the other night, and I happen to notice him celebrating after he reaches the plate. (I do this a lot now, for some reason. Maybe the celebrations are the best part of the game? I mean... I've seen 100 losses. Maybe my brain just focuses on the good shit?)
He high fives (somebody) and then does a weird finger slappy dappy thingamajiggy with Elijah Dukes. I wish I could show you gus what I'm talking about. Shoot. Oh, wait! I made a video. So, without further ado, I present... "Lijah and Ry'n: Brothers from other mothers."
When you think about it, though, it's not that hard to believe that Ryan Zimmerman and Elijah Dukes have their own hand pound. Sure, Ryan seems like plain vanilla on radio, film, and photo, as well as in real life, but he wasn't always that way, and he may just be busting his soul out again. See, way back in the late 70s, early 80s, Ryan was very tight with Richard Prior. They were Ebony and Ivory before McCartney and Wonder. Heck, they were Salt and Pepper before Salt-n-Pepa. Pryor and Zimmerman did a couple films together, and were pretty damn famous. Ryan eventually got tired of the limelight, however, and moved to the Tidewater,VA area as a 32 year old back in 1987. One night, after being humiliated attempting to impress a younger lady at a carnival, Ryan went to a wish/fortune-telling machine, called Zoltar Speaks and wished he was young again. He woke up the next day as a three year old, and began his life as we know it today.
Most people don't have the faintest idea that this is, in fact, true, though. Even those that have watched the Pryor and Zimmerman movies swear it's Pryor and Gene Wilder, not Ryan Zimmerman. While it is true that Wilder replaced Zimmerman in the later Pryor films such as "See no Evil, Hear no Evil", Ryan was the man in the first few films. And sure enough, every time I point this out to someone, and they watch one of Zim's films with Pryor, it clicks. In fact, here's a clip from their 1980 smash hit "Stir Crazy."
I rest my case, your honor. If it pleases the court, I would like you to rule for the plaintiff, me, in the amount of $150 MM.
(Here's the "Stir Crazy" clip from youtube, by the way.)
He high fives (somebody) and then does a weird finger slappy dappy thingamajiggy with Elijah Dukes. I wish I could show you gus what I'm talking about. Shoot. Oh, wait! I made a video. So, without further ado, I present... "Lijah and Ry'n: Brothers from other mothers."
When you think about it, though, it's not that hard to believe that Ryan Zimmerman and Elijah Dukes have their own hand pound. Sure, Ryan seems like plain vanilla on radio, film, and photo, as well as in real life, but he wasn't always that way, and he may just be busting his soul out again. See, way back in the late 70s, early 80s, Ryan was very tight with Richard Prior. They were Ebony and Ivory before McCartney and Wonder. Heck, they were Salt and Pepper before Salt-n-Pepa. Pryor and Zimmerman did a couple films together, and were pretty damn famous. Ryan eventually got tired of the limelight, however, and moved to the Tidewater,VA area as a 32 year old back in 1987. One night, after being humiliated attempting to impress a younger lady at a carnival, Ryan went to a wish/fortune-telling machine, called Zoltar Speaks and wished he was young again. He woke up the next day as a three year old, and began his life as we know it today.
Most people don't have the faintest idea that this is, in fact, true, though. Even those that have watched the Pryor and Zimmerman movies swear it's Pryor and Gene Wilder, not Ryan Zimmerman. While it is true that Wilder replaced Zimmerman in the later Pryor films such as "See no Evil, Hear no Evil", Ryan was the man in the first few films. And sure enough, every time I point this out to someone, and they watch one of Zim's films with Pryor, it clicks. In fact, here's a clip from their 1980 smash hit "Stir Crazy."
I rest my case, your honor. If it pleases the court, I would like you to rule for the plaintiff, me, in the amount of $150 MM.
(Here's the "Stir Crazy" clip from youtube, by the way.)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
About Rob Dibble's reaction to Adam Dunn's 38th HR
Yeah... did anyone else get a little worried for Robbie Dibbs during the call of Adam Dunn's 38th HR last night? I swear to Christ, I thought that man might have been dying. Well, that or pooping.
The latest installment of "crappy ass videos", ladies and germs.
Yes, sir. I do believe that man had himself a... a... a accident.
Moving on... can you believe the balls on Joe Torre? I mean... the Nats are getting blown out 14-2 last night in the 8th inning, and Torre brings out Clayton fucking Kershaw! What happened, Joe? Was Sandy Koufax busy? I swear to God, if Riggleman doesn't have someone throw at Torre's head during the exchange of lineup cards tonight, I'm gonna explode*. (Well, not really. That sounds... painful. But I'll be pissed as all get out!)
Well, let's hope Detwiler can right the ship tonight against Chad Billingsly. Rossy D is coming off a damn fine outing (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 K, 1BB) and Chad has been... well... not too good since a disastrous July. The offense can hopefully put up some runs tonight. (Unless Torre starts Fernando Valenzuela, that is. And I bet he does. Ass hat.)
*Yes, I realize Kershaw hadn't pitched in a game since Spt. 5th. And, yes, I realize I just recycled that line from Twitter last night. Who the hell are you, the original content police?
The latest installment of "crappy ass videos", ladies and germs.
Yes, sir. I do believe that man had himself a... a... a accident.
Moving on... can you believe the balls on Joe Torre? I mean... the Nats are getting blown out 14-2 last night in the 8th inning, and Torre brings out Clayton fucking Kershaw! What happened, Joe? Was Sandy Koufax busy? I swear to God, if Riggleman doesn't have someone throw at Torre's head during the exchange of lineup cards tonight, I'm gonna explode*. (Well, not really. That sounds... painful. But I'll be pissed as all get out!)
Well, let's hope Detwiler can right the ship tonight against Chad Billingsly. Rossy D is coming off a damn fine outing (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 K, 1BB) and Chad has been... well... not too good since a disastrous July. The offense can hopefully put up some runs tonight. (Unless Torre starts Fernando Valenzuela, that is. And I bet he does. Ass hat.)
*Yes, I realize Kershaw hadn't pitched in a game since Spt. 5th. And, yes, I realize I just recycled that line from Twitter last night. Who the hell are you, the original content police?
Friday, September 18, 2009
Justin Maxwell: International Man of Mystery
So, Justin Maxwell (Montgomery County, represent!) was the subject of MASN's "Covering the Bases" last night. We got to find out all kinds of goodies like... um... shit, what were they? I think he played basketball as well as baseball. I think he got a scholarship to Maryland. And I seem to remember an interview with his dad, who in it said that Justin didn't have a choice but to go to college, thanks to his mom. We also learned that his dad is/was in the military, is a dentist (as well as his mom), and actually did two or three president's teeth. We also learned that Justin is involved in some sort of a cover up. A big one, too! Like... Obama sized.
MASN popped up a graphic after he completed his at bat in the 4th.
About 10 seconds later, they popped up another graphic.
Ohhhhhhhhh! Controversy! Scandal! Embroilment! (Thanks, thesaurus.com.) Just where was Justin born, hmmm? Was it Olney, as listed in the first graphic? Or, was it Bethesda, as listed in the second graphic?
Why the variation!? Is Justin he really a Muslim from Afghanistan who was born to Osama Bin Laden!? Hmmmmmmm?
Well, no. MASN just has shitty graphic editors, and sloppy fact checkers. Look, I have absolutely no contact with the team or players. I have never had a chance to meet the Maxwells, nor anyone related to him. However... even I know where he was born. With his parents in the military, there's a 99.999999999% chance he was born at the Navy Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Don't get me wrong... there's not a whole lot wrong with Montgomery General Hospital in Olney, but unless there's a severe life threatening situation to Justin's mom at the time, there's zippy chance they'd go to Montgomery General.
Hey... MASN... need some help over there? No, no, not at screwing shit up (you're doing fine on your own), but doing things like... I dunno... actually previewing the damn graphics before you air them?
Sorry about that. Listen... feel free to pop in here anytime, MASN, and rant about my errors. They are many, and they are large. This dude don't live in no glass house. (Mostly cause that would be hot as shit. Seriously. Sun all beating down on you and shit. No, sir. Not for me.)
One more quick thing before I go, though. (Stop groaning, It'll be quick, folks.) I just wanted to update the status of my annual Pirates bet with my good friend Puttzy. Just to recap...
Puttzy accepted, and upped the ante in the comments...
Now, as you probably know, the Nats lost the head to head series 5-3. Congrats, Puttzy, I will pay for your Oktoberfest ticket. (BTW, I will be paying with gold doubloons. I hope there's a pirate bank in Charlotte.)
But, what's up with the season long win loss record for the food? Thanks to Brian Oliver over at NFA, it's easy to follow. You see, the Nats and the Pie Rats happen to be the worst two teams (record wise) in MLB. It looks like this as of today.
As you can see, if the Nats go 10-6 to end the season, they will finish at 60-102. The Rats would need to go 4-14 to end the season, thus finishing 59-103.
Yeah, I think I'm screwed, too. Hope you like bread, Puttzy, cause that's all I'm buying your bitch ass to eat. I'll bring some ketchup packets from home, though, to liven it up a little bit. You're welcome.
MASN popped up a graphic after he completed his at bat in the 4th.
About 10 seconds later, they popped up another graphic.
Ohhhhhhhhh! Controversy! Scandal! Embroilment! (Thanks, thesaurus.com.) Just where was Justin born, hmmm? Was it Olney, as listed in the first graphic? Or, was it Bethesda, as listed in the second graphic?
Why the variation!? Is Justin he really a Muslim from Afghanistan who was born to Osama Bin Laden!? Hmmmmmmm?
Well, no. MASN just has shitty graphic editors, and sloppy fact checkers. Look, I have absolutely no contact with the team or players. I have never had a chance to meet the Maxwells, nor anyone related to him. However... even I know where he was born. With his parents in the military, there's a 99.999999999% chance he was born at the Navy Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Don't get me wrong... there's not a whole lot wrong with Montgomery General Hospital in Olney, but unless there's a severe life threatening situation to Justin's mom at the time, there's zippy chance they'd go to Montgomery General.
Hey... MASN... need some help over there? No, no, not at screwing shit up (you're doing fine on your own), but doing things like... I dunno... actually previewing the damn graphics before you air them?
Sorry about that. Listen... feel free to pop in here anytime, MASN, and rant about my errors. They are many, and they are large. This dude don't live in no glass house. (Mostly cause that would be hot as shit. Seriously. Sun all beating down on you and shit. No, sir. Not for me.)
One more quick thing before I go, though. (Stop groaning, It'll be quick, folks.) I just wanted to update the status of my annual Pirates bet with my good friend Puttzy. Just to recap...
If the Pirates win the season long series, I will drive down to Charlotte, and pay for your ticket to the Oktoberfest thing they got down there. If the Nats win, you buy tickets for me and my wife, and welcome us and the pets down for an extended weekend. And pay for all the beer that is consumed the entire time. (You kinda win either way, dude! Time with me? Fucking awesome!)
Puttzy accepted, and upped the ante in the comments...
I also propose a new bet. A supplemental bet if you will. Overall record at the end of the season. <...> Supplemental bet: loser buys food at Oktoberfest.
Now, as you probably know, the Nats lost the head to head series 5-3. Congrats, Puttzy, I will pay for your Oktoberfest ticket. (BTW, I will be paying with gold doubloons. I hope there's a pirate bank in Charlotte.)
But, what's up with the season long win loss record for the food? Thanks to Brian Oliver over at NFA, it's easy to follow. You see, the Nats and the Pie Rats happen to be the worst two teams (record wise) in MLB. It looks like this as of today.
| MLB | W | L | PCT | GA | Tragic | Left | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Washington | 50 | 96 | 0.342 | - | - | 16 | |
| Pittsburgh | 55 | 89 | 0.382 | 6.0 | 11 | 18 |
As you can see, if the Nats go 10-6 to end the season, they will finish at 60-102. The Rats would need to go 4-14 to end the season, thus finishing 59-103.
Yeah, I think I'm screwed, too. Hope you like bread, Puttzy, cause that's all I'm buying your bitch ass to eat. I'll bring some ketchup packets from home, though, to liven it up a little bit. You're welcome.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Jesus. Is. Dead.
I'm not making that shit up. See... it says so right here:
Oh. Okay, so it doesn't say he died, per se... (I'm not sure I used that Latin phrase correctly. I confuse it with "persona non grata" all the time. People use it around me a lot, so it really muddles my Latin.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah... Jesus is dead and buried, and not waking up, nor moving the boulder out the way this time. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I put Jesus out of my thoughts forever. The only way to do so properly, however, is to give the man a decent burial. Farewell, my friend. While you were productive when healthy, you were never healthy. May your bones and muscles rest now, and be no longer tearing or breaking. Though it will be hard, we turn our gaze towards a new shining figure. One clad in battle armor, same as you, yet more... non-breaky. So, as we say goodbye, we also say hello. Welcome, DeNo. Now hurry your ass up. We need you by 2011, dammit.
Ashes to ashes... dust to.... ahh screw it. Just get in the ground, Flores.
Bonus for the folks still reading (you lucky sum bitches!). If you aren't following my Tweets, you missed out on ones like these from last night:
Oh, and this one from this morning. (Pony up, cheap skates!)
[Jesus] Flores has a torn labrum, tests revealed this week, and will undergo surgery tomorrow in Birmingham, Ala., to repair it. <....> [The Injury] threatens the Nationals catcher's availability for the start of the 2010 season.
Oh. Okay, so it doesn't say he died, per se... (I'm not sure I used that Latin phrase correctly. I confuse it with "persona non grata" all the time. People use it around me a lot, so it really muddles my Latin.)
Where was I? Oh, yeah... Jesus is dead and buried, and not waking up, nor moving the boulder out the way this time. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I put Jesus out of my thoughts forever. The only way to do so properly, however, is to give the man a decent burial. Farewell, my friend. While you were productive when healthy, you were never healthy. May your bones and muscles rest now, and be no longer tearing or breaking. Though it will be hard, we turn our gaze towards a new shining figure. One clad in battle armor, same as you, yet more... non-breaky. So, as we say goodbye, we also say hello. Welcome, DeNo. Now hurry your ass up. We need you by 2011, dammit.
Ashes to ashes... dust to.... ahh screw it. Just get in the ground, Flores.
Bonus for the folks still reading (you lucky sum bitches!). If you aren't following my Tweets, you missed out on ones like these from last night:
Rumors of a Flores labrum tear floating around...
Zuckerman confirms it. Jesus Flores labrum tear. 2010 opening day in jeopardy. Rizzo says it's not related to orig inj. http://bit.ly/QTgPpabout 17 hours ago from TweetDeck
I can't believe I didn't break Flores' hand when I shook it the few times I did. That guy goes down more than a hooker on pay day. #barbaro2 about 17 hours ago from TweetDeck
Oh, and this one from this morning. (Pony up, cheap skates!)
Ian's baseball-reference sponsorship price keeps dropping. Down from $95 to $45. Who has $45 for me? No one? C'mon, dammit!! ::pouting::about 4 hours ago from TweetDeckSee? I even try and break some news once in a while. I suck at it, but I try!
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