Thursday, August 15, 2013

Spanning and Slowesing

I really can't write anything that could make Denard Span's game saving catch from last night any better than it looked, and sounded. In truth, enough of you are probably telling me that I should have stopped at "I really can't write anything."

FINE. BE THAT WAY. JERKS. I PRESENT: Denard does his thing, while Charlie does his.

Also, I think this looks super duper neat-o coolio and the gang. (They should make is a carnival ride. Maybe tie a rope to your head and another to your feet. Then, the carnies take turns pulling the ropes. Until they mess up and rip you in half. You know what? Scrap the ride idea.)

Take that, Puig and Scully!

(Please don't kill me, Mr. Scully. I love your work. And I love that you've discovered a way to bring immortality to humans without the whole "have to become a vampire" thing.)

Friday, May 31, 2013

Did you see Nathan Karns' first strikeout?

If you said no, don't worry, home plate umpire Tom Hallion missed it, too. If you said yes, well, while technically Nathan striking out Yamaico Navarro in the second inning was his first, you still didn't really see his first.

I emailed Tom Hallion* a link to my site, and told him I had a post dedicated to him, and asked him to please stop in. I'm going to take this moment to address a certain at bat with Mr. Hallion, so you guys just blend into the background of wherever you are, as to not scare Tom. Also, if you have gum in your mouth, please don't snap it, and make sure your ringers are on silent.

So, Tom, it's the top of the first inning. Manny Machado, the second hitter of the ballgame, steps in to face Nathan Karns. (Real men use their entire first name, Manny Manuel.) The count gets to 0-2.  And, well, here's the video tape:

That pitch looked good to me, dummy!

Need more? Here's the pitch track, which plots where the pitches are in relation to the strike zone. Green squares are pitches you called balls. Red squares are pitches you called strikes:

You called the pitch in question a ball, when it was clearly not a ball. At no point in looking at this plot does it even appear it could ever be construed as a ball.

Are you with me, Tom? Look, here's the pitch track with arrows pointing to the ball in question, Tom. See, you need those arrows cause you all blind and stuff, apparently.

So, you blew it. Machado should have been sat down after three pitches. Case closed. End of story. Finito Santiago. Frankly, Tom, a little league umpire could have got that right. (A little league umpire would also think your strike three call is garish...

... and have you seen some of their strike three calls?)


*I did not email Tom Hallion. Mostly because even if I did email Tom Hallion, Tom Hallion would move it to his spam/trash folder, because Tom Hallion is really, really, really bad at identifying good things from bad things.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Washington Nationals failed against the guy least likely to cause failure.

Hey, yippee, woo-hoo. The Nats were shut out (and limited to 3 hits) by Ryan Voglensnog Vogelsnogog Vogelsong. RYAN VOGELSONG. Vogelsong was the baseball pitcher guy that threw spheres from that raised mound of dirt 60 feet 6 inches away from that home plate thingie worse than any other baseball pitcher guy in all of Major League baseball up until last night. He had an 8.06 ERA, and had yet to give up less than three runs in any of his starts this year and sported a whopping 1.853 WHIP. Last night's line against the Nationals? 5 IP, 3 H, 1 BB, 0 R. That's a line that equals a 0.00 ERA with a 0.800 WHIP. Anyone have an authentic Ray King game used belt? That should easily be long enough to throw over the rafters and hang me with.

 Now, please allow me to summarize your performance as if it were, say, and entry into a baseball exam.

 Mr. Washington Nationals Baseball Guys, what you've just played in is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent game were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational contest. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having watched it. I award you no baseball points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

 I seriously can't write any more on this subject.

On the bright side of things, this has brought back my drinking habit from 08/09/10. Oh, sweet, sweet liver failure. How I've missed wooing you so. I just need the Nats to play about 5 more of these kinds of games, and we'll be BFFs.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Danny Espinosa has an arm that throws objects incredibly fast, far, and accurately.

Well, looks like it's time to show off Danny Espinosa's cannon, RPG, howitzer, bazooka, missile launcher, [insert other metaphorical object here] yet another time. Which suits me just fine, since Strasburg threw 3 & 2/3 innings of perfect ball and lost, while Gio threw 5 innings of perfect baseball, but also managed to lose.
Take it away, Daniel-san.

I must say, all those days of Mr. Miagi having Danny pulling down a lever from his grain elevator sure did pay off.
Crap, there goes my afternoon. Now I'm going to be picturing a Karate Kid "Mr. Miagi puts Danny Espinosa through menial chores which Espi does begrudgingly  only to find out that Mr. Miagi has, indeed, given him every skill needed to excel at baseball" montage the rest of the day.
Now, if only Miagi could teach our boys how beat 13-22 teams. It should be so damn simple. He could, like, have them practice taking tootsie rolls from 8-month-olds. Or have them practice up-selling Tony LaRussa to the 20oz beer. Kid's stuff, really. Sigh.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Jordan Zimmermann... Hubba, hubba.

ZNN. ACE. GOOD. ZOMG. GOD. Look, whatever short, all caps word you choose to apply to Jordan, they all fail in conveying what he truly is, and is all about. That word don't even exist yet. Besides, who likes having to read a bunch or words? Words are for suckers. Let's go to the videotape to describe him:

Oh. I see. "STUD." Very apropos.    

Above words aside - if you do want to read a bunch of letters formatted into words and paragraphs to describe how good Jordan Zimmermann is, here are some:

Monday, May 6, 2013

Bryce Harper blah blah blah John Hirschbeck

To be honest, if I tried to write anything about the absolutely galling actions made by John Hirschbeck in yesterday's game, I might be here a while. Instead, I dealt with it how I normally do; with stupid stuff.

Here's what really happened to cause Harper to be ejected.

That's right, I made a "LOL Hirschbeck be old" joke. It was either that, or point out how he refused to side with most of his umpire brethren in 1999, and instead used it as an opportunity to take over as president of the umpires... clan.

If you want some good reads on the ejection, lookie these, if you haven't already.

SI has a bit about this incident, as well as a look at these new thin skinned scamps in blue.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

I've figured out what the 'M' means!

This has always stumped me:

What does the 'M' stand for? Well, after ZNN's last two games, we have come to the only logical conclusion. 

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Happy Birthday, Danny Espinosa. (AKA, anything but game discussion.)

(Look, let's just skip past the last few games, okay? In honor Daniel Richard Espinosa turning 26-years-old today, we'll take about off the field stuff. Cool? Cool.)

After decades years months days of work, I have finally completed my Danny Espinosa bobble head collection. All four bobble have been acquired. Phew.
What? You say there's only one Espi bobble? Ha! Not so, my friend, but only us hardcore insanely idiotic Nats fans know about the complete set. So, please... sit back with your favorite drink (may I suggest a red slooshie from Curly W Pretzels?), your favorite book (may I not suggest the Bob Carpenter Official Score Book?), and your favorite baseball voodoo doll (may I suggest Pete Kozma? I'll still have my Chase Utley) while you peruse my Official Danny Espinosa 2011 - 2013 Bobble Head collection.

Here's the only one that was given away at the stadium - 9-10-2011. This edition (or "Standard SGA" as us Espi-Bobble-connoisseurs call it) shows Danny after a shave right before going out to do warm ups for the game:

This edition is dubbed the "Normal Espi," and shows him as he appears at game time, having last shaved 5 hours previously:

This one here? This is called "Slump Buster Espi," and shows what he looks like for a game immediately following an 0-4 game the night before:

And, finally, the latest (and rarest) bobble. The Holy Grail of Espi bobbles. It's official title is "Off-Season Espi," but it has other nicknames among us collectors, including "Homeless Espi," "Hunting Espi," "Jayson Werth Espi," "Navy Seal While Deployed Espi," "Uni-Bomber Espi," and "This is Actually Just Five Days Without a Shave Espi." Behold in all its splendor, glory, and... hairiness:

 I also considered "ZZ Top Espi," "The Guys From That Duck Dynasty Show Espi," and "Sasquatch Espi" but  using Sasquatch in association with any other baseball player besides Kevin Youkilis* would be slander. Or libel. I forget which. But seriously, can you imagine that guy's back hair? It's gotta be thicker than Wrigley Field's wall ivy. If balls get lost in that ivy, balls and the attached player throwing that ball get lost in Youkilis' back hair. He's so hairy. (How hairy is he?) He's so hairy, the Yankees had to purchase a DR Field and Brush Mower for the clubhouse. (Zing!)

*It was either Youkilis or Brian Wilson that I poke fun at for hairiness. Kevin got the nod since he decided to charge the mound and throw his helmet at Rick Porcello a few years back. That's total bush-league. That more bush-league than bush-league. That's so bush-league, that bush-league should now be called Youkilis-league, but that doesn't really roll of the tongue. That, and one mention of Brian Wilson is one mention too many. Crap, now that's two mentions. /Goes off to cry in the corner while being made to watch highlights of the 2008 Phillies World Series parade as punishment. /Bashes self to death with Off-Season Espi bobble while screaming, "Oh, God. THE HORROR."

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Another Anthony Rendon Post?

Yup, another Anthony Rendon post.

Allow me to set the scene...

Bottom of the 4th inning. Werth singles. Desi drives him in all the way from first on a double, because Jayson is fast! finally started taking his wallet out of his pants when playing. (Fact: Hundred dollar bills weigh more than one dollar bills. ALL the rich people know this. And they've told me.) Up comes TONE DŌN, who then proceeds to work a 57 pitch at bat. He finally gets the one he likes, and SKADOOSH, drives Desi in with a scorcher of a double. Now, if you will join me, please put on your welding helmets, or poke a hole in a piece of paper and slap it onto the end of a paper towel roll, cause this .gif is like... hotter than the sun. I present to you, the rendOWNAGE.

Damn, Sheldon Williams Sheldon Miller Shelby Miller, you got Anthony RendOWNED.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Matt. Suzuki.

Presented without comment.

Also presented without comment is a link to an internet-page-thingie that let's you know if Papa Johns pizza is half off or not. It was created by Ben Packard. Click if you are thinking about ordering Papa Johns, but only if it's 50% off because of the local sports teams here in the DC area. http://www.ispizzahalfprice.com.
Crap, I just commented about it, didn't I?
I suck at this no-comment thing. Unlike Bobby Carpenter, who (as seen above) sucks at this do-comment thing. (Zing! I've got jokes, folks.)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The bats were well rested after that 3 day layoff, eh?

Well, taking Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off turned out to be very beneficial to the bats last night. After Davey substituted little-leaguers-in-adult-sized-clones-of-the-real-guys for the real guys the last three games, the boys were well rested and ready to swing like they know they can - LARGELY and LOUDLY. (Can you swing largely? Survey says: YES. And so it is written.)

While watching the game, I received this text from a friend:

"Desmond is good."

Since this may just be the understatement of the day month year length of time the universe has existed,  I wrote him back:


Obnoxious? Yeah, all caps is pretty obnoxious, but he's an O's fan first, so screw him and his feelings. Remember, folks, caps lock can be used. Just make sure it's used for good. Anywhoo, he then writes back:

"You can't make him take a walk, though."

I thought about countering that with something to the effect of, "A walk? You can't get him to take two pitches!" but, I shit you not, as I was about to write it, I'll be damned if Desi didn't work an at-bat to a 3-2 count.

And at that moment, I remembered the "bitter towards Ian" stage I went through a couple years back. It was when he was making error after error, and swinging at every first pitch. I was calling him that name for him that was going around Twitter - Ian dE6mond - quite a bit. (I actually made that my password for my PC at work, too. True Story!) Anyway, that memory prompted me to check my scrapped image files on my computer today. Allow me to present to you, another edition of Rejected T-Shirt Ideas. The Ian Desmond edition.

Holy God. That was... bad.  I mean, it was obviously still in progress, but that's like seeing a dog's creation in progress, and it has five eyes and eight legs. And one ear. And a car where its tail should be. Ain't no way either one of those would come out well.

So... sorry, Ian. You're the man. I'm glad the other shirt I came out with turned out better. How better? Well, Gio keeps wearing it, so it's gotta be GOODER THAN BETTER.

(Huge hat tip to Jayson Werth's Beard for the link. That is the hardest working beard in the world. It works harder than [insert joke about some famous guy's wife being a beard because he's gay, but in the closet. Yeah, that joke. It's still relevant, right? No? Crap. Well, I've got a sammich to get to. It ain't gonna eat itself, you know, so I gotta do what I gotta do. Here I come, ham and swiss on rye, with mustard. What were we talking about again?]. )

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Smooth Gio is Smooth.

Gio went yikkety last night off Kevin Slowey. It was a Harperian blast, that impressed a lot of folks, including Gio himself, I suspect.
As I watched the TV, and him rounding the bases, I couldn't help but think this was his inner monologue:

"[To himself] Gio Gonzalez, you just hit your second career home run, what are you going to do?"

"I'mma smile like Mister Ed, cause I'm so damn happy, and that's how I do!"

"Err, on second thought, I don't want to show up the pitcher..."

Smoooooth, Gio, very smooth. In fact, that was, like, Barry White smooth. And forget all those unwritten rule wet blanket folks. Keep being you, Gio, and don't ever stop. To quote Ty Cobb, "I play baseball like I dance: Gay as a titmouse, and like no one was watching." At least I think that was Ty Cobb...

P.S. On a serious note, I forgot to give another shout out from Opening Day. It was great to see Frank and Susan before the game, and I really appreciated them giving me four square inches of their table to eat my tacos at. If you haven't checked out their site, Nats 101, do it now. It's got podcasts, articles, an all kinds of good stuff. Seriously, go there now and look. Look with your special eyes!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Well, Opening Day went rather well, didn't it?

Sorry for not writing about opening day sooner, but I had a huge hangover. You see, I imbibed way too much HARPER-STRAS-ZIMMY AWESOME SAUCE. (Yeah!) Seriously, that was an awesome day, and anything I write certainly won't do the experience justice. Suffice to say, there were some incredible things at the park, including the awesome straight-from-getting-hitched-appearance by @TClippardsSpecs and @StephaNats (awesome job, you two, even if you are stuck for life with DOUG F*CKING SLATEN references, Stephanie) to getting my kid her first slushie (it was "red flavor," and she loved it).

After I got home, I took a long nap, cause seeing good baseball is exhausting, then popped the game on the TV. What follows is my lazy excuse for a post. GIFS. LOTS OF GIFS. Enjoy?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The first cut is the deepest...

That's what Cat Stevens says, anyway, right?

[Insert musings about the first spring training cuts here (RIP, Rendon), as I was way too busy lazy to write about them.]

Now, since no one has actually listened to that song all the way through, did you know the sixth verse starts with, "The second cut? It don't hurt so much."? Well it does!

Gone to AAA Syracuse in the second spring training cuts are Starters Ryan Perry and Yunesky Maya, reliever Erik Davis, first baseman Chris Marrero, catcher Jhonatan Solano and outfielder Corey Brown. Have fun boys! Chris and Corey have already been there, but in case the others need advice on how Syracuse is, here's a picture of Corey on the actual field last year* 

(*This is not the actual field. This is actually the planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. The boys in Syracuse can only wish Syracuse was as warm as the planet Hoth from the Empire Strikes Back.)

No one got sent to AA Harrisburg with this round of cuts, but My Main Main TONE DŌN
got sent there in the previous round of cuts, and it's rumored that Matt Skole could be assigned there, too. Purchase some good quality lead clothing, Matt, as this picture of Rendon batting at home shows the exact location of home plate in Harrisburg.*

(*This is not the exact location of home plate in Harrisburg. The Three-Mile-Island reactor is actually directly behind the visitor bullpen 13 miles away.)

And, finally, catcher Chris Snyder was cut by the Nats so he could immediately sign with The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, or LAAAAAAAAAA.

In other news around the league, Ramon Castro was cut by the Dodgers so he could immediately sign with...

...The Beagle Boys Gang.

That's right, folks. This entire post led up to a "Ramon Castro Is Fat" joke. One I used before, too. (Sorry, gang, but 5 years is an acceptable time frame between jokes. It's in the Official Section138 Blogger Handbook. /Hastily starts writing the Official Section138 Blogger Handbook)

Friday, March 8, 2013

Anthony Rendon doing his Anthony RendOWNED thing.

HI, Mr. Chad Durbin. TONE DŌN just went about 380' on you the opposite way. You, sir, have been rendOWNED

Footnote time!  My nickname for Rendon was originally 'Ton 'Ron, but it was then remastered to its current form (TONE N) by Andrew. If no one else gets the reference, we know we're at that point in our life where we should probably just hurl our bodies off bridges, as time has, clearly, passed us by.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The boys are back. And they're *spectacular.*

Spring training is here! Spring training is here! I swear, there's no better day of the year than when the first Nats' game is broadcast. You plop down on the couch, have a beer in each hand, a remote in the other, and your opposing team's voodoo doll in your fourth. Here it is. The first video images of the 2013 gang: 

And, if you're like me (which would be way cool, btw. We could totally hang out, making stupid jokes, baking cookies that resemble Jayson Werth's Beard, and punching my life-size Chase Utley mannequin. Think about it! My email is up in the top right of the page, yo's!) you rewind the first 30 seconds of the broadcast over and over and over again, to see if what you thought you saw, was what you thought you saw.  

The first thing that pops out at you, of course, is Matty Purke and his... well, his face.


I think it is very apropos that another Matty takes over from our last "Player X" face. Yes, Matty Purke is taking over from Matty Capps. You may be gone, Matty Capps Face, but you seem to be in good hands.

Later, you think you see Jayson Werth and new first base coach Tony Tarasco sharing some love. You check again. 

  Yes, sir, HAND POUNDS ABOUND when you're Jayson Werth and his new BFF, Tony. (I swear that's Tarasco, btw. I still haven't shelled out the $7 to get a tripod for my little camera, so I'm stuck holding it in my hands, while filming the TV. My unsteadiness lead to Tarasco being totally cropped from that clip. My humble apologies, Tony. I'll be sending you a bushel of throat lozenges to soothe your larynx after screaming "BACK" on pick-off attempts. (I don't mean to offend you, Tony, but what else do you do there when coaching first? Oops, sorry, you must also operate a stopwatch with the utmost precision. Mea culpa.)) 

Oh, I see Jordan Zimmermann. Howdy, ZNN! Wait, what? Is that gum... Is he.. You miscreant!

Sigh. I thought we might not have to see this unsanitary display of gum chewing after the Big Donkey left town. Well, it appears Jordan Z took over for Adam D in that department. Enjoy enraging my wife by chewing your gum like a vile human being, Jordan. (You still my boy, though. If you ever happen to hear my wife screaming, "What are you, five? Put the god damned gum back in your mouth! Gah!" through the TV, and get offended, just let me know. While I would never, ever Brett Myers a lady, I am not above giving her a stern stink-eye.)

Finally, (Hey! Keep your "about time"s to yourself!), we see in all his glory, Gio freaking Gonzalez, and him doing what he do.

That's right, folks. Gio be all, "Toot toot, bitches. The train that is the NL BEAST MACHINE is just getting rolling. Here's some fist pumps for you suckas!" Or maybe they're playing Party Rock, and he's really, really into it. It's certainly one of those two things. Or it may be both, cause Gio does it like that.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Anthony Rendon? More like Anthony RendOWNED.

Cause, see... he's going to own you pitchers. He's gonna own you so good, it hurts. (Hang on a sec, I gotta call the trademark office to claim "Rendowned.")


(God, it's so hard to get anyone to answer the phone at these government gigs. I've been on hold for 7 minutes.)


(Oh, Christ on a Segway, PICK UP THE PHONE!)


You guys still here reading? Sorry about that. Apparently it is not possible to trademark something without filing out all kinds of forms and shit. Gah, I'm not trying to apply for the position of King of planet Earth or anything (I would imagine that job application would be pretty long). Anyway, I gave up filling out forms a long time ago. 2007, in fact, when I wrote in Matty Chico on over 1,000 All-Star ballots, only to have him not make it. Screw you, forms. Screw you in the face.

Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, Anthony Rendon. Look, it's no secret that I kinda sorta maybe might have a thing for prospects, and this guy is legit. He can hit, for both average and power, and he can field. MMmmmmMMM boy, can he field. He approaches ground balls like they were babies tumbling down the street after having been gently rolled out of a moving car by Chase Utley*: by scooping them up softly and with such smooth hands. When I see it, it makes me want to say, "Man, Rendon can scoop 'em so softly, and has incredibly smooth hands." Did I also mention he can hit? Peep this video from Tuesday's game.

DAMN, NEW YORK METS PITCHER GUY, YOU GOT RENDOWNED!!111! Anthony done clobbered that thing. BANG, ZOO... wait what? Did that scrawny lil' center fielder actually rob my boy Anto' Rendo' like that? Oh no he didn't! And then he had the audacity to flash A SILLY GRIN?

Heaven's to Betsy! Where's my fainting couch? The gall of that young man! What's his name? Matthew den Dekker? What kind of a name is that? Look at that lower case d in there. Trying to be all modest and stuff. I'm on to you, Mr. den Dekker! What's your deal, huh? Let me just Google his name here a second...

Oh, okay then. I see. That smile is his deal. And apparently he's always dealing:

Well, I see you need no help from me with that. You certainly do have that grin down to a science. Have you thought about trademarking that? Good luck, though, as they don't just let you call up and scream, "Dibs on this smile!" It's about forms, man. Many, many forms.

 *Look, Utley might be the target of all my rage ever, but I don't think he would violently throw babies from moving vehicles. But roll them out? Maybe...

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Well, these are just some fantastic specimens.

Great googly moogly! Get a load of these stunning calves, everyone!

Well, that's embarrassing. Not only is that not the picture I wanted, I'm not even sure why that picture is on my hard drive.

Great googly moogly! Get a load of these stunning calves, everyone!

"Meeeeee-oww!" (That's what Steve McCatty said when he say Strassy's calves. Cause, you know... McCatty... Catty... Cat... Cat Call... Meow! Oh, forget it. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.)

Anywho, just thought I'd drop a post every year or so to keep you guys on your toes. Now, where were we?

Nats! Spring Training! Greatest season in the history of seasons last year! Playoffs! Playoffs :( 

By the way, you all stepped up LARGE at Natsfest giving Drew a standing O like you did. You're some classy fuckers, you know that? You know what? This seems like a good spot to end this post. I want to echo every one you by saying: (5 minute Photoshop? Ain't nobody got time for that! Today, I'm debuting the 2 minute Photoshop! And I apologize.) 

Now, go out there in 2013, kick some ass, and chew some bubblegum, guys. That's goes to all of you, fans and players, not just Drew.