Well, Opening Day went rather well, didn't it?

Sorry for not writing about opening day sooner, but I had a huge hangover. You see, I imbibed way too much HARPER-STRAS-ZIMMY AWESOME SAUCE. (Yeah!) Seriously, that was an awesome day, and anything I write certainly won't do the experience justice. Suffice to say, there were some incredible things at the park, including the awesome straight-from-getting-hitched-appearance by @TClippardsSpecs and @StephaNats (awesome job, you two, even if you are stuck for life with DOUG F*CKING SLATEN references, Stephanie) to getting my kid her first slushie (it was "red flavor," and she loved it).

After I got home, I took a long nap, cause seeing good baseball is exhausting, then popped the game on the TV. What follows is my lazy excuse for a post. GIFS. LOTS OF GIFS. Enjoy?

The easiest video I ever made.

HI!

Don't know if you all heard, but Roger Bernadina made good catch Friday night. Like... good, good! So good, that I forget proper English when talking about it. I turn into caveman who only say, "Wowsers!"

I try make video that show how good Shark Man be, but all I manage to do is marry music to video, as I stunned stupid by play.

Bernadina? Super Shark! from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Roger Bernadina patrols the outfield like a shark after its prey. The ball is Roger's prey, and it cannot escape.

Me think music go good with diving man. Fit scene well. You got problem with me making such simple movie? Too bad. As meanest man on planet once say to me, "Nanny nanny boo boo. Stick your head in doo doo!"

(I also want make mention of awesome (whoops, or is that JAWESOME) shirt that for sale by awesome t shirt person. Buy now, dum dums. It make you cool when wear it. Just click picture. C'mon... my car needs new stones up front. Anytime it rain, stones slip. Make for not safe driving.)

The season started? CRAP!

I happened across this email in my inbox over the weekend:

Hey idiot. Did you know the Nats have played 8 games already? Where's your postings?

Ah, it's awesome to know that people care about me. Even if it's someone with a tad worse grammar than me. (Or is it than I? SHIT!) Anyway, kudos to you, fine reader. It is with your email's boot to my ass that I finally write about the start of the Nats season.

Where to begin, though? Well... how about the fact that there is no natural lead-off hitter on the squad, and that outfielders aged 31, 32, and FORTY-FUCKING-THREE beat out Roger Bernadina for a roster spot? Poor Bernie. Now he's shoulder to shoulder with the rebels at Echo Base on Hoth. (I want everyone to know that I had to Wikipedia "Hoth"for the name of the rebel base at which they are fighting in the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. I'm a dork, yes, but not THAT big of a dork. No offense to you dorks that did know that, though. Heck, you're probably much richer than me due to your mint condition, still in original packaging Star Wars figures. Well played.) Poor kid. He seems to be doing a good job staying out of the line of fire, though. He sent me a postcard that arrived Saturday, actually. He looks to be alive, and... well... rather lightly clothed for A SNOW AND ICE PLANET Syracuse.

So, yeah... it would have been nice for Mike Rizzo to have a backup plan before dumping Nyjer Morgan. I'm hoping that Ankiel plays well enough to garner some trade attention, and gets dealt while either Bernie or Corey Brown come up by mid-season. Those of you with your lips close to Mike Rizzo's ear, let him know my thoughts won't ya? Thanks!

But, for now, we're stuck with Rick Ankiel playing CF. He's not that bad, but he's not that good, either. And dude is waaaaaaay too nice. See, he had a double robbed from him by a diving catch by Chris Coughlan Couglan Coghlan earlier in the week, saw the picture of it in the paper down there:

And actually sent him a nice little note the next day. I imagine he wanted to write something like, "Lot's of love! Good catch, dude! Smooches! Love, Ank" on it, but was bullied by known meanie Ryan Zimmerman into writing, "Thanks, buddy. Nice Hollywood dive, Love, Ank." You know what would have happened in 2009 if Coughlan Couglan Coghlan had robbed one of our outfielders like that? He would've had this in his locker the next day:

(Hey-Oh! See what I did there? I referenced a player that's been gone since March, 2010, and an incident that happened in 2007. I'm so God damned timely!)

Speaking of Zim, the poor dude hurt his tummy sliding the other day, and is going to be out for a few days. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Jokes on us, folks. This team has a history of broken people (see those tags on the right side of this page? You don't? Well, while I agree that my page layout appears to have been done by a six-year-old, I assure you, tags are there. Oh, you found it... good. See what the most often used tag is? It's "broken people." What? It's not? "Suicide" is the top one? Well, where is "broken people?" Oh, second? Very well. I stand corrected.) and I'd be shocked if Zim didn't end up on the 15 day DL.

So, those are the glaring bad things that I'm staring at. Michael Morse? Meh, I think he'll rebound. The bullpen outside of Clippard, Storen, and Burnett? Okay, that's bad, but it looks like Henry Rodriguez is on the way back, and hopefully Bally Star will be brought up, as well. But you know what the absolute WORST thing about our bullpen is? I can't walk down the stairs on weekend mornings, give a big stretch and a yawn, and say, "Boy, I need to get some coffee in me, stat!" anymore. Screw you, chubby reliever dude with a name that sounds like, but is not spelled like "coffee," thereby making my wife snicker because it sounds like I want to have sex with you.

Good things so far? ZNN, the three bullpen fellas listed above, Wilson Ramos' RHINOness, Danny Espinosa's awesomeness, Desmond's starting to hitness, and Charlie Sheen. Without all off them, I'd be drinking drain cleaner. But, thanks to them, we are in a tie for third in the NL East, and my kid not only has shoes on her feet, but socks to wear under said shoes. (Socks - they're like lube for shoes, you know!)


Now, may the good things continue to be good, and the bad things disappear like Chuck Sheen. Or like Chase Utley's knee. Or like Lastings Milledge's spot on the 25 man roster. Or like Philly fans' desire to not shower, not wash their clothes, and curse, assault, vomit upon, and murder people. Shit, who are we kidding? We probably have a better chance of Laynce Nix hitting 65 HR than those stinky abusive troglodytes changing their ways. But anything is possible I suppose. I mean... Felipe Lopez is actually on a Major League roster. What's next? Austin Kearns wins an MVP?

(Unfortunately, I don't think any Nats fans are laughing at that last one. Our luck tends to trend towards the bad side. Kearnsie may just hit .355/.425/.750 this year. Sigh....)

Pimping some new shirts.

Sorry for the pimp post, folks. (I'm not really sorry. Sorry for lying about being sorry, though. (Yes, that sorry was real.)) With the start of spring training and all, my shirt juices started flowing, and I turned out two new shirts in four days. The first is a shirt that I always wanted to do, but never had a healthy J-Flo to allow me to do it. Now that he has risen from the dead, however, I'm proud to introduce my homage to Jesus Flores.



Flores has always been one of my favorites, and I still have a bounty out on Chase Utley for his blatant attack on poor Joey Flowers. So, here's to a healthy 2011 for Jesus, and for him to start smiting some mother fuckers. He's got some time to make up for . (Shirt also available for the ladies, of course, and that one says, "Real women love JESUS.")
So... do me a favor, and buy the damn thing. (God forbid someone cashes in on the Utley bounty, as I'm a broke dood.)

The next shirt was one that I've been trying to do for two years. You see, my wife's favorite player became Roger Bernadina last year. "Make me a Bernie shirt," she'd say. (At least I think that's what she said. I'm about as good at listening to her as Dibble was to listening to Bobby Carpenter.) I made a lame attempt last year, but I really wasn't a fan of it. I uploaded it just long enough to order one, and pulled it. I keep trying to tell the wife that it's a GODDAMN LIMITED EDITION collectible, but I really wanted to make one she'd like. Now, I don't like to brag, but....




BAM. I'm really happy with how this shirt came out. So buy three, dammit. (Hey, if I'm gonna get fired for using some company time to make these things, I'm gonna need some of you to pony up some dough.) And for those of you that didn't know Roger's nickname was "The Shark" a good write up about it is here.
So, there you have it. Two new shirts. Buy them. Or I cry. Sniff.

The complete shirt store is here. As always, if you have an idea for a shirt, or want me to use my lame skills for a Nats player you like, shoot me an email. It's on the top right of the page. Or don't. It's cool. I got friends, you know. I don't need validation of my blogs' existence. Sniffle, sniffle. Man... who's cutting all the damn onions around here?