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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Teixeira goes home!

Nope, not really. Unless Severna Park is closer to New York City than here, in which case I mis-read my map.

LOL baseball writers. Last time I'll bother reading anything. You guys missed it worse than the weathermen normally do.

DCab, you're first assignment, if you choose to accept it: Drill Teix in the Yankees series (6/16-6/18) since he broke our hearts. Just be sure you don't hit him in his butt. His wallet can now stop a bullet.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The 'stache of God.

In continuing the two themes of this off season (no real news, just rumeration, and Collin providing the only entertainment), I continue to offer no real content of my own. Instead, another picture off of Collin's blog, this time showing Nick Johnson, Aaron Boone, and the mustache that could rule the world.

If you're viewing this with a female, please provide aid, as she is sure to have passed out after viewing the almighty nose hair.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Collin has sand in his shorts.

Our favorite left coast righty has a new post up. Here he is buried in the sand. Fun!


There's another picture on that post that disturbs me even more, though. Isn't his girlfriend getting a little...friendly with her brother?


Collin wants folks to ask him some questions, so head on over and ask the lumberjack anything that is on your mind. Just don't bring up his 8 Ks in 15 ABs, or his gum habit. He defends both fiercely.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Ohhhhhh, want!

If anyone would like to join me, I am filling out question form after question form at this website. Why? Because I want a pair of these decked out in the Nationals theme.
How dope are these? They would put my other pair of bathing apes to shame.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Strasburg's mechanics questioned

I came across this link on Friday, but I didn't have a chance to write about it. I threw it to a friend of mine, and it's making the rounds now. For those that haven't seen it, here's the gist:

STRASBURG'S ARM IS GOING TO IMPLODE UPON ITSELF!

Yikes! The guy compares Stephen's arm action to Mark Prior (for the love of God, nooooooooo!!). There are some gifs comparing Strasburg to Prior, and for some odd reason, Pedro Martinez is thrown in. Does Pedro have good arm action? Bad arm action? A little help, please.

I dunno what to say, really. I swear, watching Strasburg throw in the Olympics was mind blowing. I was really, really impressed. The kid hits high 90's effortlessly, and had good presence. I say it's as simple as 1) sign him up, 2)plug him in, and 3)win the World Series. Don't make it all complicated with "[Stephen] attempt[s] to load his scapula in a forced manor." Seriously. Don't try and fool me with crazy words like "acromial", "deceleration phase", and "pendulum swing." This is baseball, you big geek, not grandfather clock ball.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

My season ticket debate.

Yes, I know... I could write about more important things, like the Teixera rumors or the Manny rumors. (Manny? Seriously? I think Buster's been in Ladson's stash!) But I won't. I'm here to bitch and moan about my season ticket plan. Let the whining begin!

Last year's choice of seats was driven by two things, price, and location to the players. I'm dirt poor, but I wanted some interaction. I found a 20 game plan for the Mrs. and I in Section 138, second row. I was....how to put this nicely..... fucking pissed on my first visit to my section. That beautiful new scoreboard? Couldn't tell you what it looks like. Those fly balls that are hit to the outfield? Can't track a single one. Balls and strikes? I'll take Blue's word for it. I was really, really upset. Then, I realized something. The bullpen was right in front of me. If I can't see most of the game, I might as well enjoy the part of the game that others can't see. Thus began my initial relationship with Mi Hermano (Luis Ayala), and Saul Rivera (Nickname not revealed yet. I will take bids on it, however. Pony up, you cheap bastards.) Colome warmed up a little as the season went on, and Wil Nieves was friggin spectacular to talk with, on the off chance he was warming someone up there. New faces, new dudes. Steven Shell, Marco Estrada, and Jason Bergmann were all nice to me and the wife. Finally, after 3/4's of the season, I got Joel Hanrahan to break down. We ended up betting on things OTHER than baseball (as he's not allowed, he informed me.) I always lost those bets, for some reason, but he never took my money, even though I offered. He even remembered me on the season ticket holder picnic, and had a nice word for me.
It was a little different aspect to a baseball game, and I was looking forward to seeing them in 2009. Then, they dropped the prices in my section for the upcoming year. I was even more happy. But, why can't I move up one row? There were only four seats in the entire row sold to season ticket holders. Everyone else were walk-ups, or single games. Shit, I thought, how can they refuse to move me up one row? It's like..free money, right?
Nope. Any row that is considered the "first" row of a section is reserved for full season ticket holders only. They will not sell to any 41 or 20 game holders. I informed my rep of how no-one was buying tickets for that row. I know, cause I was there for 20 games. I'll buy two seats for 20 games today. No dice. They wouldn't budge.
I got an email form my rep saying all kinds of pleasant things and how he was looking forward to helping me out with any seat requests I had. But, here's the thing...no he wasn't. I just talked to him four days earlier and he wouldn't do it. Now, he's looking forward to it? I know, I know, it was a form letter, but..still...I'm miffed.
I wrote him back and told him I'll just wait for individual games to go on sale, then I'll buy two seats for 15 games, and the money will even out. I'll get to catch up with my boys, bet on the Presidents race, discuss war dances, see the new kids get slapped on the head, and get candy from the magical pink backpack. I doubt he'll write me back, and I know he really isn't concerned about two 20 game plans, but.. I dunno..I wanted a little give. Haven't got it yet. I'll let you know if I do. Okay, rant over. Thanks for bending your ear my ways. 'Preciate it.

P.S. Hey, Seattle.. stellar signing! Your percentage of runners gunned out at home will double all throughout your Minor Leagues. Enjoy that.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Bill Ladson puts Josh Smoker at Stanford. I'm SHOCKED!

Bill Ladson's latest article, in which he informs us of Josh Smoker's left shoulder surgery, also lets us know he's attending college. More specifically, Stanford University.
In two professional seasons, Smoker, who also attends Stanford University, made 13 starts, giving up 23 earned runs in 18 innings.

I'm not sure how Bill got this information, though. Can he be confusing the Nationals sandwich pick from 07 (Smoker), with the 6th round pick of that year, Jack McGeary?Na, he couldn't be.. could he? McGeary was intent on going to Stanford on a scholarship instead of signing with an MLB club in 2007. The Nationals, however, got creative, and McGeary signed, allowing him to play professionally for the Nats and attend Stanford (on the Nats dime) in the offseason. I think Bill confused the two, which is an indication that not only is he still into the heavy drug use, but also drinking moonshine. By the barrel. Daily.

How did I come to the conclusion Smoker is NOT attending classes at Stanford? Well, for one, he grew up in Calhoun, GA. and had a scholarship offer from Clemson, which he actually accepted before signing at the last minute with the Nats. If he were to go to school, I would put him there. Two, the Nats planned to send him to pitch in the Fall instructional league
Smoker will report on Saturday to the team's rookie-level Gulf Coast league affiliate in Viera, Fla., and then will pitch in the club's fall instructional league
Unfortunately for Josh, he would have to miss some classes while playing in the fall league, since school would have started by then. Three, this article by Barry states he spent the off season in Calhoun, GA:

The decision to sign started Smoker on his path here, through two starts in the New York-Penn League (lasting four innings with a 4.50 ERA), then three weeks in instructional league, then an offseason back in Calhoun.

"I'm used to the small-town life in the offseason," he said.


How does one attend college in California while living in Georgia? I'm thoroughly confused here. And finally, a search of the Stanford student directory does not come up with anyone named Smoker as registered. It does come up with a McGeary, however. Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Bill, if you need help with any fact checking on future columns, just hit me up. I come cheap, and I would do my best to hide your hooch while you're writing. Let me know!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Update on the Bonifacio, Dean, Smolinski for Olsen, Willingham trade.

Okay. I had overnight to think about it, and I crunched a couple numbers. First, the players coming to Washington:
  • Joshua David Willingham. Born 2/17/79 (That makes him 29.) Goes by Josh, and has somewhere along the line been given the nickname "The Hammer." (Allrighty, then.) He was drafted in the 17th round of the 2000 draft out of the renowned baseball institution of...... the University of North Alabama. He is one of four former UNA Lions to play in the bigs, and the first since 2001. No, you haven't heard of any of the other three. His first taste of the Big Leagues came in 2004 and 2005 when he played in a combined 28 games. He grabbed the starting left field gig in 2006 and had a decent season, going .277/.356/.496 with 26 HR and 74 RBI in 132 games. He received one third place vote for the RoY, finishing tied for 9th. He seems to have been plagued by nagging injuries, based on the different bios out there on him. It might have something to do with the fact that he stands right on top of the fricking plate, though, since he's ranked 3rd in hit by pitches in the last two years. Anyway, he seems to be an okay fielder at fielding balls (0 errors in 08, 3 in 07), but might not be the fastest cat out there getting to balls, as he ranked 12th out of the 16 starting NL left fielders in range factor, with a 1.82. The league avg was 1.90. (OH! Who was number one in range factor? Wee-Willie Harris.) He's projected at 20-25 HR per year, and is arbitration eligible. He will certainly see an increase from his $405K 08 salary. Avg 162 game stats: .266/.361/.472 68BB, 127K, 32 2B, 25 HR, and 85 RBI. That strikeout to walk ratio kinda sucks (1.86 K's per BB), but it sure as hell beats Wily Mo's (4.83 K's per BB.)
  • Scott Matthew Olsen. Born 1/12/84, which puts him at 24. He was drafted in the 6th round of the 2002 draft out of Crystal Lake South High School in Michigan. He goes by a few names, such as "Don't tase me bro", "butt-head", and "stoopid butt-head". There's not enough room on blogger for me to list all of his...."problems", but here are some: Punched in the eye by a teammate in 2006; Neck grabbed by his manager in 2006; Accused a teammate of not giving his full effort on a fielding play, threw a tantrum in the dugout over it, and almost got his ass whooped; Made an obscene gesture to the fans in 2007 (Hmm..Dooksie might like this guy, actually.); Received a 2 game suspension in 2007 for insubordination (He threw another tantrum, ripped of his jersey, and threw it at someone on the ball club. He was pinned against the wall by a teammate for this.); And finally, he has no problem giving the Police the finger. See, in July of 2007, he was clocked for speeding, and an officer tried to pull him over. "Not so fast!", said Scottie. He led the police on a little journey as he continued to drive to his house a little ways away. He pulled up into his driveway, got out of his car, and sat in a plastic lawn chair on his lawn, taunting the police. They finally tased him, as he tried to kick them on their attempts to grab him. He was arrested for DUI, resiting arrest with violence, fleeing and eluding a police officer, and childish buffoonery. He does have one good conduct report on his record, however. In 2006 he said he hated the Phillies. In 2007 he and Chase "I love to say fuck" Utley got in a shouting match, and Scott encouraged him to engage in fisticuffs. Chase declined because, well, he only likes to hit players that are not able to defend themselves. Chalk one up for Scottie, and I think he might help out the other Utley haters on the club. I didn't leave much room for stats, did I? Whoopsie! Here's the brief rundown of his avg season: 33 starts, 194 IP (5.8 IP/start), 85 BB 166 K's, 10 W 12 L, 4.04 ERA, and a 1.30 whip. The kid can be an innings eater, has strikeout potential, is a lefty, and projects to a number 3 starter. If he can harness his control, and mature a bit, he might be a solid number two. Like Willingham, he is also arbitration eligible, and finished with 1 RoY vote in 06 to finish tied for 9th.
Overall, I'm feeling a little better about the deal than I did last night. Anderson Hernandez looks to have the lock on 2nd base going into spring training, and I'm okay with that. Willingham either joins the stockpile of left fielders, or first baseman. If we can move Kearns, I would feel more positive, but let's see what else happens. I'm gonna miss Emilio and his speed and run production, and I was real high on him. I wish him the best, and hope for his sake the Marlins move Dan Uggla this off season. For details on P.J. Dean, and Jake Smolinski, I'm going to refer you over to Brian at NFA. Also, maybe one regular reader, the Doctor, could chime in. I know he was real high on Dean.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Bonifacio, Smolinski, and PJ Dean traded?

Word from Peter Gammons is that The Nats and the Fish just made a deal.

The Nats get:

The Marlins get:

I don't have time to give all my feelings on this, but my gut response is I'm not happy. I would've rather held onto the kids, and signed Dunn for Left Field. Did you realize Dunn is only 28? Maybe the Nats didn't think they had a chance at him. I dunno. I'm gonna miss Boney's speed. It's no secret I was a huge fan of his. His ratio of runs scored vs. times on base was nice.

I'll chime in more later. Later, Boney!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

New uniforms.

Well, the unveiling of the new 2009 Washington Nationals uniforms was today. New Era leaked the new alternate hat yesterday. You can buy it here. I think it's a wee bit...cluttered, but I'll hold final judgment until we see the alternate jersey.


One of the two new alternate jerseys can be found here. This one matches the hat from above.
Here is the second new alternate jersey. I suppose it will be worn with the home red curly W hat?
And finally, the new road jersey, which is going to take some getting used to. With no blue in the jersey, I wonder how well it will go with the road blue cap?

You like? You don't like? Discuss. Me, I'm just happy they didn't ditch the interlocking DC. Also, I'm so glad they seem to be phasing out the gold trim. I think the gold is tacky as hell. Almost downright gaudy.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The Meat is bad, and Balester blogs!

Meat got removed form the 40 man roster, and was outrighted to the new AAA location - Syracuse, NY. He could have said no, and opted for free agency, but he's smarter than he looks. See, the Nats are still on the hook for his $5MM salary next year. So, Meat decided "Hell. Pay me my money while I go to Coney Island on my off days and eats me some Nathans hot dogs!" Little does he know, Coney Island is 4 1/2 hours from Syracuse.
In all seriousness, I'm a huge Meat fan, and love his stick when he's healthy. (Don't get me started on his defense, however. I was flabbergasted that any NL team would give that much money to a guy who will NEVER be playing the 9th inning of a tied or close game. Sometimes he wouldn't play the 8th, even. Mind boggling!) Here's hoping he can get his diabetes under check, and be back to playing shape. Me thinks this might have to do more with needing roster space than throwing Dmitri to the curb.
In other news, Collin Balester has a blog. He only has four posts up, but already we've found out quite a few things:
  1. His nickname is Bally.
  2. He likes to talk in the third person.
  3. He's engaged to an extremely attractive female. (Oh, and she looks smart, too.)
  4. He dressed up as a lumberjack for Halloween.
Interesting. Oh, he also saw his first snow of his life last year, and posted a picture for posterity's sake. Enjoy the mis-matching shoes, and the child like look on his face.

I think I'm gonna like this blog...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Matt Holliday as a National?

So, I really didn't think there was anything substantial to the rumors of the Nationals being interested in Matt Holliday. After all, it came from Bill Ladson (Love ya, Bill!). But MLBtraderumors.com just won't let it die. Ladson says the Rockies need starting pitching and a 2nd baseman. MLBTR says it's pitching that will get him. How do I put this.........


For the love of all that's good, don't do it. WTF is JimBo thinking (DON"T ANSWER THAT!)? He would be here for a year, then gone. He's got Borass as an agent, so you know he'll get the best deal possible. Giving up a lot of prospects for a rental? Nooooooooo! (On the other hand, would they take Redding and Anderson Hernandez? Only if they're dumber than Jim.)
Besides, the guy is just mediocre away from Coors Field. Splits from his career:

Home: .357/.423/.645
Away: .280/.348/.455

Oh, and since I'm in an LOLCat mood, I'll post an oldie that is relevant to this off season:

You don't have to worry about him anymore, lil' kittie. (What? Look, I know it's old news, but I was gone for two weeks. Give a guy a break, you ball busters!)

Let the transactions begin!

HUGE news from the Nats front office. The first of many trades has gone down.

Nationals trade Ryan Buchter to the Cubs for Matt Avery.

HOT DAMN! That's one exciting trade. My penis might jump out my pants!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I take a couple weeks off, and...

...nothing really happens. I went to Phoenix, AZ to get married. Catching a Peoria Saguaros AZ fall game was up on my priority list, but I just couldn't work it in. A guest at the wedding did manage too, though, and he saw Detwiler, Carr, and Zinicola. He said they all looked very polished, and were head and shoulders above the other scrubs he saw pitch that game. Yay!
After Phoenix, I went to Jamaica for the honeymoon. Not much to do except drink fruity drinks in the morning while reading a book or three on the beach. I will now turn in my first book review since 7th grade.

Is This a Great Game or What? by Tim Kurkjian. HIGHLY recommended. The stories Timmy shares are fantastic. I can see myself re-reading this book once every few years, easy. Some damn funny stuff in there. One highlight? When Tim is introduced to Earl Weaver for the first time after becoming the Orioles beat writer, Weaver's response is, "Fuck you, Tim."

License to Deal by Jerry Crasnick. It's a book about baseball agents, and one maverick in particular, Matt Sosnick. I bought it because I wanted some insight on what may have gone down with the Crow non-signing. I gotta tell you, I knew there was some shady shit going on, but some agents come off looking like low-life assholes. The client stealing is particularly shocking. A good book, and surely one to give anyone who might even consider becoming an agent.

Living on the Black by John Feinstein. I was really pumped for this one, thinking I would get a good look into the day-to-day shit a player goes through. I was pretty disappointed, however, and haven't finished it. It starts out with a few chapters on Tom Glavine and Mike Mussina and their careers. It didn't need to be that long, but it was. Then he dives into the 2007 season. He gives game by game accounts, but there's not much depth to it. He gives line-scores, and player quotes, but there isn't really anything meaty to it. It's more of a re-telling of games by two... boring guys. No knock on Moose or Glavine, they just aren't that interesting of people. I'm not sure when\if I'll actually finish this one. It might get better, but I'm not holding my breath.

There you have it, an update on my life. Oh, I was also sick up to the day of my wedding, only to kick it yet have it return after Jamaica. I should probably resume my antibiotics regime that consisted of 10 Red Stripes a day.

Red Stripe. It's beer. HOORAY beer!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

At least this town is getting consistent

At this rate, I don't think any professional athlete will want to play for in Washington.

I don't follow basketball. At all. I'll bet on some March Madness, but that's as close as I get. But even I noticed myself reacting to the latest Washington Bullets Wizards injury woes.

They're already without starting point-guard Gilbert Arenas (HIBACHI! Does he still say that?), starting forward (I don't know which one. I'll guess... power?) Antawn Jamison, and now may be without starting center Brendan Haywood (Knock Knock. Who's there? Haywood. Haywood who? Haywood Jablowme.) for 4-6 months.

We might have to start putting supplements in the water supply here. We got more invalid athletes around these parts than the Paralympics.

Monday, October 6, 2008

And I had a huge post idea, too...

Sorry all. I had a great idea for a new post, but I walked into the office to this. Holy. Shit.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What to make of Zuckerman and Lemke's column..

If you haven't read the Zuckerman/Lemke piece on the state of the Nationals, you owe it to yourself to find the time to do so. It's a very....enlightening read.
I need a few hours to write a decent post on it, and the last few days at work haven't allowed for that. I'm heading out to our last Nationals game tonight, so hopefully I can bang it out tomorrow. There are some serious, serious issues to address.
Now, I'm hoping for two in a row. On another note, I swear every game we go to Redding is fucking throwing. No offense to the guy, but can't we see someone else throw in person? C'mon Capt. Redd, be a damn team player! (Team nats nation in this instance.)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The rest of the pictures

Okay, I'll post some other pictures we took on Saturday, along with one I stole. I even left my broke-ass mug on here. Lets hope the eBays don't break.


Here's me in the dugout. I'm staring at the scouting sheets they have posted on the bulletin board. All I can say is that it's detailed as shit! It had breakdowns of every pitcher and hitter on the Padres. It said stuff like "Prone to swinging over big curveballs", "Has a great 12-6 curve he'll throw early in the count", and "Bad mother fucker. Just walk him" (The last was for Adrian Gonzalez.)


Here's dorky ass me on the field. The Mrs. wanted this shot, so I thought to myself, "I'll look really cool if I give the thumbs up!" I'm a moron. If you look right above my right ear, you can see our seats. Just above the "dation" part of Washington Nationals Dream Foundation. Stop by for a beer, or to holler at the fellas in the pen, if you get a chance.


I took this shot of the Mrs. with Jesus Colome, and our 2nd favorite Puerto Rican National, Saul Rivera. I started to tell Colome to get his huge banana hands of my woman, but thought better of it. Saul was pimping, as usual, but did answer when the Mrs. asked him what his nickname meant. Also of note: Strongest grip among the Nats I shook hands with? Saul vice-grip Rivera.

I'm posing with Manny and LMillz here. I actually asked them if I could put my hands on them, cause I wasn't sure what protocol was, and I didn't want to make him mad. Milledge, that is. I don't think Manny's the kind of guy that would punch me in the face. Lastings? Yes, he just may be. He was actually a cool guy. I asked him if he liked it here in D.C. and he replied, "It ain't no Florida." I think he meant that as a good thing. I think.


Finally, I ripped this one off of Screeches Best Friend's blog, Nats320. If you like needless capitalization, tons of pictures, extra hyphens, and 3 mile long posts, give it a shot. Here's one he posted of me getting my baseball signed by Boney and Alberto Gonzalez. I'm laughing because I asked him what he thought was a better nickname, Boney or Bonesy. He told me Boney. I said, "Really? Not Bonesy?" and I think he could tell I was a little bummed. "Is okay", he said. "You call me Bonesy." Good kid.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Joel wants my money.

Nice cushy gig I got here, huh? Just post once every six days or so. Look. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I'll change, I swear. Gimmie one more chance, okay? Good. Thanks. I love you guys!
Well, we went Friday's fucking nightmare game. The night started out well, we got our camo curly W floppy hats, and grabbed a big huge Hard Time nacho tray. Had a nice Yuengling or three, and was ready to enjoy a great game.
Me and the Mrs. were visited by the doctor, fresh of his cross country drive back to D.C. from Los Angeles. He grabbed a seat next to us and watched a couple innings, after I bought him a beer. Good times. At one point, Joel Hanrahan (NOTE: Joel does NOT like the nickname Hammer Hands. His loss.) was walking around the 'pen, and Elijah Dukes was coming up to bat. I said, "Joel, I'll bet you 10 bucks Dukes goes yard." He replied that he wasn't allowed bet on baseball. Dukes didn't homer, and I was pissed. I was sulking in my seat when the doctor tapped me and pointed at Joel. The fucker was looking at me rubbing his fingers together "Pay me my money." I actually laughed. Anyway, the game went 14 innings (And had the fireworks show cancelled in the 7th inning or so. That's a side rant for later, btw. Has anyone ever actually seen a fireworks Friday or a movie on Saturday? None of my Friday visits have ever had fireworks, and the Saturday movie has also always been cancelled. I call shenanigans.) and we didn't get to bed til 2:15 AM.
We got up early the next morning (Note to my oldest dog, Wrigley: Fuck. You. You're old enough to know better. Stop eating weird shit, and puking it up at 6:30 in the morning.) and ambled out the Nats Park for the season ticket "Picnic in the Park." It was a fun time. We saw the home dugout, got free hot dogs, could've ran the bases and thrown a pitch in the bullpen, but passed. The Mrs. was all about getting Wil the Thril's autograph. We finally caught up with him, and she got his autograph on the ticket stub from his walk-off homerun he hit in April against the Cubs. He seemed pretty excited about the ticket stub. She also got her picture taken with Wil and Anderson Hernandez. Cool guys.


We saw Hammer hands and Jesus Flores signing, so we decided to get in line there, too. Jesus was up first, so I asked him if a lot of people asked him about his ankle that day. He laughed, so I refrained from asking him what I wanted to know (how his ankle was ). I then turned to Joel, and he proceeds to ask me for his $10. Knowing how destitute he is, I started to reach into my wallet. He let me slide on it.
We also got some pictures taken. I'll leave you all with this shot with the man, the myth, the legend, Zim.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Bonifacio versus Hernandez at 2B

I just finished reading Chico's Journal entry where he discusses a battle for the starting 2B job. He breaks down their numbers, and they look like this:

Here's a comparison so far of Bonifacio and Hernandez:

Bonifacio:
130 AB, 32 H, .246 AVG, 4 2B, 4 3B, 0 HR, 7 RBI, 6 SB, .298 OBP, .338 SLG

Hernandez
53 AB, 18 H, .340 AVG, 1 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 12 RBI, 0 SB, .417 OBP, .358 SLG


Chico is missing a stat, though. And a HUGE one in my mind.

Emilio has reached base 42 times through hits and walks. He has scored 22 runs. Twenty-two. The guy is scoring more than half the times he gets on base. 52% to be exact.
Anderson has reached base 26 times. He's scored 7 runs. That's 27% of the time.

Bonesy is such a threat when he reaches base. Every time he gets on, I'm anticipating something good to happen. Whether it be a stolen base (5 per baseball-reference, 6 per Chico), or going from first to third on a single, or even first to home on a double. The guy is freaking electric on the base baths. He leaves me standing and screaming most of the time.

What's that old baseball saying.....? Speed don't slump. God damn right. It helps that Bonesy also begins his baserunning on 2B or 3B more often, as well. He's got way more than "legitimate triple speed." The kid is so damn fun to watch running the bases. Bottom line, give me Emilio everyday, Manny! Now, where's my picture of Emilio in his Superman cape....




Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Nationals win two in a row vs. Mets

I didn't have time for a witty post title tonight. I'm drunk, and I have to get to work early tomorrow, so I'll leave it at this...

Hammer hands came up HUGE tonight. Great to see that shit from the big guy.


P.S. Fuck you David Wright. Way to go, choking a second night in a row in a pennant race.

P.P.S. Rental, I know I've been harsh on ya but you did well tonight, mi amigo.

Mighty Mets are Mighty Awful. Lannan Shuts 'em down.


I am sooooo slammed at work, that I really don't have time to write too much stuff myself. Kudos to Lannan/DOOKS!/Hernandez, etc., but eyebrows gets the awesome dude of the day award, for sure. Enjoy, Johnny!

As for the rest of this post, Let me take a gander around the Mets blogoverse, and see what those wonderfully wonderful Mets faithful are saying:

"This team needs to go out and take it to pitchers like Lannan." (metsblog.com)

"Can someone explain to me why Schneider called for Duaner to throw 37 outside pitches in a row?" (metsblog.com) [That was pretty damn funny, actually]

"John “FukkinLannan should never 1-hit a team through 7 innings. It just shouldn’t happen. Ever." (metsblog.com)

"I am sorry 1 hit off of John Lannan is absolutely 1000% inexcusable. The guy barely throws the ball in the strike zone yet these idiots were flailing at pitches in the dirt all night." (metsblog.com)

"One-hit through seven innings by John Lannan. Are you kidding me? John. Lannan." (source)

"I swear when I saw Elijah Dukes' home run flying toward the left field stands at Nationals Park, I decided we aren't winning this thing." (source)

"Lannan looked like he was inhabited by the spirit of Nolan Ryan last night. Why can't the Mets hit off of lifelong horrible pitchers?......Back to Pedro. The hall of famer gives up a crucial 2-run single to the worst hitter on the worst team in all of baseball who just happens to ex-Met, Anderson Hernandez." (metslifers.blogspot.com)

" I want to be a loyal Met soldier in General Manuel’s army but watching them get abused by the crappy Nats really makes it hard......Sorry but a 7-2 loss to the Nationals down the stretch is downright embarrassing." (brooklynmetfan.com)

"pedro enough is enough..take your mid 80’s fastball and go pitch in the LLWS.. probably wouldn’t even make the taiwanese squad.. ffffffffffffffffffffffffff you milledge you pos"(brooklynmetfan.com)

"Lock up the liquor cabinets and close the church gate, here come the Nationals. The only thing bigger than their suckiness is their attitude and you know they want to sweep the Mets. [Posted Monday, and followed up today with:] "what no comment on last night's DEVASTATING loss to the LAST PLACE Nationals? WTF you may think. No, I shan't discuss that." [Too bad, I would've liked to see this persons forehead explode] (itsmetsforme.blogspot.com)

And finally, It wouldn't be a New York post without an extremely intelligent post about their biggest enemy:
"shouldnt elijah dukes be arrested by now.." (metsblog.com) [actually, that sounds like quite a few posters over on Chico's WAPO blog...]

Monday, September 15, 2008

Strasburg at the cost of Nationals wins?

It's something I've brushed up against before, but never actually focused on: Winning games vs. losing games, and getting Steven Strasburg at the first overall pick.
I had a huge write up on Strasburg, but I scrapped it 'cause I didn't know where I was going with it. The huge "tank the season" push was barely around at that time, but it's steam rolled it's way to a huge, ugly, boorish ball of disgust now.
Can I be frank here?
If you're rooting for the Nats to lose, you're dead to me. Please, go straight to jail, and do not collect $100. (Is that the right amount? I haven't played Monopoly in years. The board game, that is. I've been playing monopoly with sexiness and wittiness for decades.)
Cheeks has a poll on his journal entry today. If the votes for wanting the team to win don't beat out the votes wanting the team to lose, I'm hacking the Post's servers, grabbing all the IP addresses of those that voted "I want them to lose", and vandalizing something you own, cause you're vandalizing baseball (which is very near and dear to me).
I'll kick your garden gnome. I'll put holes in your water hose. I'll pour sugar in your gas tanks. I might even replace your pet with a look-a-like stuffed animal, because that animal deserves to live in a home full of hope. Not that black fucking hole of pessimism that you call a home. It's simple, either you're a fan, and you root for a win every damn game, or you're a "fan", and are rooting for the 1st overall pick.
If you don't find yourself screaming and crying and throwing things when you witness innings such as the 8th inning of Sunday's game, I don't want you on my team's side. (I'd post the box score of that inning here, but I don't think the interwebs has enough space for it to be posted twice. Instead, you can find it here. WARNING: Only click that link if you enjoy things such as getting hit in the groin, falling off the monkey bars and getting the wind knocked out of you, or rooting for the Phillies or Mets.) If you don't get excited when Milledge drives in a run in the top of the 9th, to pull the Nats to within one, and Big Bad DOOKS! steps up to the plate with a chance to go ahead by one, well...pardon my French, but fuck the fuck off.
If, on the other hand, you're on my side..well, come join the other 8,999 folks and me watching the game. Hell, come on over to my neighborhood bar. I'll buy you a cold one or six, and we'll scream and yell. Laugh and cry. Boot and rally. And maybe, just maybe, we'll see our boys win one. There's no greater joy than that, even if you are 27.5 games back.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Elijah Dukes could kill you. But won't.

I am a huge Elijah Dukes fan. HUGE. It wasn't always that way, though. When I heard the Nationals traded for him I was a little apprehensive. After all, I had heard all the horror stories from the media. How this guy was a less than decent human being. Detestable. Threatened to kill his wife. All that.
But then he got here. He got here, and played hard from the word go. I dug his hustle. I dug his bat. I dug his arm. The huge turning point was the video below.

After I saw that, I dug him as a cool guy. Who the fuck couldn't at that point? He had been a model player, and he hadn't hurt/maimed/killed anyone. Plus, he broke out, "That, my friend, is very broke." I use that shit in my everyday conversations now. I also try and break out, "My ass was poking out a bit", but most people I say it to misinterpret it, and it takes forever to explain, so it's not tossed out as often as it should be.
The point of my above ramblings? DOOKS! was the shit last night, nothing less. Here's a brief rundown of what happened in his at-bats last night:
  • 2nd inning; Solo home run. Did he run around the bases as fast as he could have? No. Did he admire his shit like Manny Ramirez? No. Did he come within 850% of being like Francisco Rodriguez after a save? Hell. No. (That's a whole nother column, for a whole nother time.)
  • 4th inning; After an inside pitch from the starting pitcher just missed hitting him (payback for the slow home run trot? Maybe.), Dukes took a few steps toward the pitcher. He mouthed some words ("Bring it on" was quoted from the pitcher), and got restrained by Manny Acta. The umpire issued warnings to both dugouts. What happened after the brief stare-down, and play resumed? A double to left field. You know what else happened? Dukes seemed to ignite the squad. There was a little energy now. What else happened? Pelfrey (the starting pitcher) was no longer pitching inside (Ron Darling, the Mets announcer said as much) to the Nationals. Dukes got in his head, and took away one of the pitchers biggest weapons, the inside part of the plate. That's the kind of guy I want on my squad, dammit! When he was driven home later in the inning, he was walking to the dugout and started hearing some of the extremely intelligent Met's faithful giving him some shit. And by shit, I don't mean the rundown of the latest Booker Prize nominees. What does Dukes do? Pulls out the ol' Degeneration X move. He yells, "I got two words for you" and grabs his crotch toward the NY fans. I love this fucking kid!
  • 5th inning; Dukes is plunked by Pelfrey in the bicep. Does DOOKS! go bat-shit crazy, charging the mound and killing Pelfrey? Fuck no. He takes first base, because he's smart enough to know that a) it was just a pitch that got away from Pelfrey. And b) it was continuing a two out rally. A two out rally that ended up getting the Nationals two more runs. Cool as a fucking cucumber.
  • 7th inning; A line drive out to David Wright. Nothing to see here, folks.
  • 9th inning; Grounds out to second base. As he trots into the dugout, some stock tips from the Mutts fans:
That guy in the white shirt scares the shit out of me. Look at those guns! Does he have a permit to carry those weapons around? Jesus, what a douche.


So, what does our manly man of a right fielder do? Just taunts 'em right back.


You can see the video of it starting at around the 3:15 mark here, if you would like.

Here's the thing that I wanted to convey with that mess I wrote above:
I want that swagger on my team! I want my team to think they're hot shit! I want this emotion. Most of all, I want Elijah Dukes on my fucking squad. Period.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Bill Ladson is mainlining now. Stop the insanity!

Well, I always knew Ladson was on drugs, but he just went from chasing the dragon to mainlining his heroin with his latest mailbag. Two answers, in particular, just made me want to shake the shit out of him.

Is Ryan Zimmerman a .290 hitter and a 30-homer, 100-RBI guy or am I expecting too much?
-- Tony L., Amelia, Va.

No, you are not expecting too much. In fact, what I expect from Zimmerman is much higher than your numbers. He is aware of it, too. I see batting and RBI titles in his future. I think he can be a 30-30 player if manager Manny Acta gave him the chance to steal bases. Of course, I want to see more bunting from him. To me, Zimmerman is a complete player.


Jesus Christ, Bill. You can not be serious! Batting titles? RBI titles? 30 SB and 30 HR? Let's take a trip over to good ol' baseball-reference.com to crunch the numbers, shall we?

First up: batting titles. We all know you have to hit at an absurd rate to win the NL title, but just how absurd? The BA leaders in the last 10 years (plus the current season):

  • 2008 (so far): Pujols .361
  • 2007: Holliday .340
  • 2006: Freddy Sanchez (seriously) .344
  • 2005: Derreck Lee .335
  • 2004: Bonds .362
  • 2003: Pujols .359
  • 2002: Bonds .370
  • 2001: Larry walker .350
  • 2000: Todd Helton .372
  • 1999: Walker .379
  • 1998: Walker .363
If you average out those, it comes to a .358 batting average. .358! Ryan Zimmerman. .358! I love you to death, Zim, but ain't no way in hell you'll hit anywhere near well enough to beat Pujols, Chipper, Berkman, Holliday, Lee, and any other randoms like Freddy Sanchez.

Next: RBI Title. Again, we'll turn to baseball-reference.com, and list the last ten years, and this one:
  • 2008 (so far): Ryan Howard 125
  • 2007: Holliday 137
  • 2006: Howard 149
  • 2005: Andruw Jones 128
  • 2004: Vinny Castilla 131
  • 2003: Preston Wilson (for real): 141
  • 2002: Berkman 128
  • 2001: Sosa 160
  • 2000: Helton 147
  • 1999: McGwire 147
  • 1998: Sosa 158
Average? 128 RBI. Who in the hell is going to be getting on base enough for you, in the three hole, to drive in 130 runs?

The 30-30 mention? First of all, there is no way Manny lets Zim loose on the bases. He won't even let Milledge loose, God damnnit! Anyway, the yearly breakdown of Zim's SB:
  • 2004 (at UVA): Successful steal on 13 of 14 attempts in 59 games, a .93% success rate.
  • 2005 (No SB attempts once he got called up, all in the Minors): 1 of 7 in 67 games, 14%.
  • 2006: 11 of 19 in 157 games, 57%.
  • 2007: 4 of 5 in 162 games, 80%.
  • 2008 (so far): 1 of 2 in 93 games, 50%
Safe to say Manny won't let him run (7 attempts in Manny's 2 years)? Also safe to say that he won't steal 30??
30 HRs? That's a little harder to figure out. He wasn't a power guy in college. Hell, he only hit one HR in 2004, and hit nine total in his entire College career (174 games). He did surprise a little with seasons of 20 and 24 HR in 06 and 07, though, and has shown some pop recently. 4 homers in his last 13 games after hitting 0 in the previous 37 games.

Look, I like Zim. Hell, I love him. I have two Zim bobbleheads here at work, and my tag for him in my blog posts is "The non human." But, can he live up to what Ladson predicts for him? He's got a better chance of getting Ladson to stop his weekly diesel deliveries from Afghanistan.

Will Larry Broadway be getting a September callup? Don't you think it's about time the Nationals' front office gave him a chance on the big stage?
-- Dyer T., Sanches, N.M.

I'm probably one of the few people in America who believes Broadway will be a successful Major Leaguer. It will never happen with the Nationals, though, because he doesn't have enough power. He will be a free agent after the season and sign somewhere else.


I have no clue why Ladson has such a hard on for Broadway. Larry might be a good guy, hell, maybe a great guy, but he's not a good baseball prospect. He'll turn 28 in December, and went to Duke. That's two reason to limit his appeal right there. He plays first base, but his largest HR total in a single year was 22 in 130 games back in 2004 at Harrisburg. He's spent the last three season at AAA hitting 15, 13, and 9 HR in 123, 105, and 130 games respectively. That's not MLB first baseman productivity. He is a Minor League free agent now, though, so maybe someone elsewhere will give him a shot. I hope so, cause it ain't gonna happen here.


Now, Bill, for the sake of your family...quit the heroin, okay? Also, a few less cheeseburgers might not hurt, either. And some LASIK. I'm just saying...

La Russa as Nationals GM?

Look, it's speculation by a writer out in the LOO, so don't read too much into it, but there is mention of La Russa possibly moving to a front office gig next year. One team mentioned? The Nationals. You can read the article here, but it's a lot of crap to wade through, and unless you actually have an interest in the Cardinals, allow me to save you some time.
La Russa does not discount growing speculation that he could eventually go elsewhere as general manager. A crush of GM jobs is expected to become available shortly after this season, including in Seattle, Toronto and potentially Washington and San Francisco.
Hrmm. Do with it what you want. Personally, I'm dismissing it as column filler, but you never know.
BTW, say LaRussa does come here. Does he try and bring his bestest buddy, Dave Duncan? How many times would he have to be punched in the nuts, and his wife called ugly till he decides to leave the Saint right where he is? Discuss...

P.S. Yes, this is normally something for Steven over at his site, but I didn't see him mention it, so I brought it up. I'll leave this shit for him the rest of the way.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I will destroy your throat and face, Carpenter.

Hi. Ya know, I've been thinking about what to write about the last couple of days. I feel like I've been mailing it in, sorta. You know, not giving you guys my full effort. I didn't want to write crap, just because I felt like I should post something, so I thought about what I'm most passionate about at this time. My findings? I hate Mr. Robert Carpenter.


"Hey, party people, what's the haps? Right on, right on"
:::::gives the double finger gun shooting thingie complete with wink:::::::
"Okay, you take it easy, you crazy kid!"
::::: hits your shoulder with his fist while saying "Go get 'em, slugger"::::::::

Let me make it clear: I don't hate Bob Carpenter the person, I hate Bob Carpenter the personality. He may be great out of the booth, but he just seems so..... fucking cheesy in the booth, that I can't help but project that to how he would act in his everyday life. He also has the worst baseball knowledge of anyone that is even remotely associated with the game, not to mention the worst timing of any announcer in professional sports.

I've ranted about his timing before. A couple times, actually. But no post complaining about his announcing would be complete without me bringing it up. He displays no interest what-so-ever in actually letting the play end before calling the result. It's excruciatingly excruciating. He's on FUCKING TV, for Christ's sake. He doesn't have to even give the result, if he doesn't want to, because most of us watching TV have eyes in our fucking head. Let the play unfold, and call the aftermath, Bob, and we would be getting along so much better.

"How far is this one gonna go!?" Well, Bob, chances are if your saying that, it'll barely clear the wall, or be caught 10 feet short on the warning track. Since this game was in Atlanta, they don't have Carpy screaming like an idiot, but click on video, select the "Dukes' solo shot" and just know that as soon as it hit the bat, he said those familiar six words in bold above. The ball cleared by a foot, if that.

More verbiage: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate his fucking "side-door", and "front-door" breaking ball calls on sliders. Back-door, I'm okay with, because it's been used for years, but now he's just making shit up. While we're on words he makes up, I don't really care for "jammage", either. "Jam job" is pushing it, too, Bob.

Rules of the game: You know, Bob, you've been doing this long enough you would think you would, oh, I don't know....know the fucking rules. I thought I was hearing things earlier this year when I heard you say (and I'm paraphrasing it here, because I don't have the memory skills most do), "Line drive over the bag, lands foul, but where did it cross the bag?" Who gives a shit where/if it crossed the bag, Bob, it's foul no matter what. ANY ball hit in the air that lands, untouched, in foul territory is foul. No ifs ands or buts. Don Sutton had to correct him halfway through the year. I was mind-boggled at why he cared whether a line drive flew over the bag.
Foul-tip. Bob, please understand what a foul-tip is. If I hear you say, "Here's the pitch, foul-tipped to the screen" or "there's a swing, foul-tip, and it will make it's way to the backstop" I'll fucking kill you. Also, you cannot say, "Foul tip, but the catcher can't hang on." The definition of a foul-tip is "a batted ball that goes sharp and direct from the bat to the catcher's hands and is legally caught." If any foul ball touches the ground, it is just a foul ball, not a foul-tip. It must go sharply and directly to the catcher's glove and be caught for it to be a foul-tip, slugger.

Okay, Bob, that's about it. I'll be sure to point out any of your other annoying habits (Eating cookies in bed? You bastard!) as I see fit. Feel free to point out mine, as well, dude!

DIE, Mets!

Hi there. How have you been? Good to hear. Me? Well, I've been lazy, but I have watched all of the Nats games this past weekend. How bout that crazy Hammer hands, huh? And we thought Cordero was giving us heart attacks! How bout that 15 inning affair? DOOKS! goes 0-6, but it's all good, as he comes up large with a bases clearing double in the top of the 15th.
So, what's new with you guys? Great, great.

A short trip to New York for the boys. Games today and tomorrow, then on to Florida. I really would like to sweep this little 2 game series because.....well.... I hate the fucking Mets. Ain't the level of hate that I have for Utley, no, but it's pretty big.

Tonite is the battle of the eyebrows, as Johnny Lannans takes on (hold on, lemme check here....) Olivier Perez. Beauticians everywhere will be screaming at the TV whenever close-ups of the starting pitchers will be shown.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Nats win series, Utley upended.

Nationals win, big time. This offense is rock solid, top to bottom, and so much damn fun to watch. Some HUGE hits last night in the pivotal 8th inning. Casto and Bernadina with singles to start, and then Belliard with a pinch hit single to score Orr (who pinch ran for Casto). Boni walks to make it bases loaded. At that point, I was debating with myself who I would want walking up to the plate if I could choose anyone. I had it down to Guzman and Zim. As luck would have it, it was Goozie's turn in the lineup. He cranked a bases clearing double (with Boni right on the heels of Belliard as they approached home plate) to bust the game open. See you later, Philthies. Have fun missing the playoffs and beating your wives!

The underlying storyline from the previous night didn't die, though. With Chase Utley up for his first plate appearance, Rental plunked him square in the hip with a 90 mph heater. It appears Perez was using vigilante justice, as all signs from the Nationals management pointed towards the Utley/Flores play as being clean. Much love to Rental from this guy!

It didn't end there, though. In the bottom of the fifth, the Nats had the bases loaded with Milledge up. He grounded into a fielders choice, to make it runners at first and third, one out. DOOKS! was at the plate, and grounded to the third baseman. Seemed like a tailor-made inning and rally ending double play. Except Milledge was running from first. And Utley was the pivot man. What happened next made me scream, "Fuck, yeah!" at the TV in the bar. "I wanna have your children, Mills" may have came next. Some screen caps here to show Lastings burying his shins into Utley to break up the double play, and allow a run to score.


My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear. If you want to watch the recap, click here and skip to the 1:18 mark for the takeout. Be sure to watch Zim's 2nd homerun in three days at the 1:44 mark. He is just RAKING the ball, and is loving dead center. I mean, he's KILLING balls.

The boys are in Atlanta tonight to start a 4 game series there. Pitching note: Balester has a sore left bum, so he'll miss his next start, scheduled for Friday. Bergmann, who was due to throw tonight, will instead throw Friday. That means a spot start for a gentleman I wrote about earlier in the year. Mr. Shairon Martis will get his first ever MLB start tonight. Also, in case you guys want to pronounce his name right, it's Shy-ron Mar-tis. Go get him, junior.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Utley left his feet

The post I wrote last night in a cold medicine induced rage? It's still dead-on right. After watching replay after replay, I'm still pissed. And here's why: Utley left his feet, launching himself at an unprotected player. I'm all for hard play (or "Old School", or whatever the fuck you wanna call it), and if he wanted to level Jesus he could have. But he should've done it in the right way. Drive your shoulder into him all you want, but don't leave your fucking feet.
Remember Pete Rose nailing Ray Fosse at the plate in the 1970 All-Star game? Brutal collision. Put Fosse out for good. You know what? Rose never left his feet.


You know who DID leave his feet? Chase Utley. UPDATE: I've added two more pics at people's requests. It's shows the end result of Utley's dive: Shoulder to Shoulder contact by a guy who has left his feet, versus an unprotected catcher. You can also see plenty of plate available to Utley. All he had to do was slide to the outside.


You motherfucker. I wish Manny was the kind of guy to retaliate, but he ain't. Maybe DOOKS! can slide hard into the bag to break up a double play? For the full video recap of the Ronnie Lott wannabe vs. Jesus, click here, and then click on the "Flores is hurt" video on the bottom. The bounties? They're still on, peeps. Do your thing.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Chase dick-face Utley

I'm gonna be brief, cause I got me a bad cold, and a lot of work tomorrow, but I will say this:

$500 to anyone in the NL that can take Chase Fuckley out. Bean him, spike him, hit him with a thrown ball on the basepaths, hit him with a line drive.

$750 to anyone not playing MLB that can take Chase Fuckley out. Hit him with your face, you foot, your car. Don't matter to me, just send me a picture of that douche bag laid out.

That is all.

Marco Estrada, welcome to the Nats bullpen.

Yikes. I can't seem to find a lot of time these days to write about the Crimson Gods that are Le' Nationals. That's too fucking bad, too, cause they've won seven (7!) in a row. That, my friends, is the hottest team in baseball right now. The whipper snappers are on a roll, that's for sure. Even old man Boone, Gooz, and Wee Willy Harris are getting in on the action. Zim, DOOKS!, Gangsta Millz, and Jesus are rolling. Throw in the slap hitting Bonie or Hernandez, and gimmie Bellie at first and I'm a happy man. Good times, people! GOOD. TIMES.
BREAKING NEWS
Cristian Guzman was just named the NL player of the week. Yay!

And now, since I'm copping out on writing anything, here is a photo essay from Saturday night. Welcome to the Nats bullpen, Marco Estrada!



Saul Rivera has become the leader in the pen. He's getting all the boys together to induct Marco into the bullpen. Only people missing are Shell (who is coming), and Colome' (Who, apparently, doesn't do this sort of thing. Dudley Doo-Right!).


There's everyone, now. Clockwise from the bald Charlie Manning: Manning, Saul, Shellie, Marco, Hammerhands, Garrett Mock. See Shell holding the cup of water in his hands? (That's called foreshadowing, fellow writers. Use the talents Shakespeare gave us wisely.)


"Assume the position!" Marco cops a squat so he can be slapped in the forehead/head area by Saul. Leaders LEAD, that's why they're called leaders.


"Thank you, sir, may I have another?" Saul let him off lightly. He's a softy, really.


Yup, I suck. I missed the water shot. Shell had hid the cup of water from Marco while Marco was getting hit, and splashed him in the face with it. BURN! Well, 'cept it's water, so it doesn't burn....


Have a towel, kid. Wipe yourself off. That water was cold! And it's deep, too!


Mock gets his turn. He had this ceremony earlier when he came up. Rauch laid him out.


Charlie gets his licks in. I think he said, "Nice fucking hair, asshole!" As he hit him. (I feel for Charlie, and was right there with him. Speaking of hair, Shell said he liked his new haircut.)


Hammerhands swings.....


...and closes the show. Cause...that's what closers do!


Marco was the only member of the pen that didn't get Mock in one of his previous call-ups, so he gets his here. You can get a good shot at Saul's mesmerizing hair here (that's him on the lower left.). It's not brown, and it's not red. It's....Orange?


This is DOOKS! commanding the white man to serve him. It was during a pitching change, and he came over and yelled, "HEY! Gimmie some Gatorade and shit! And dip my doo-rag in some water, bitch! DOOKS ANGRY! DOOKS SMASH!" Hammerhands and Manning obliged.

Eyebrows is on the bump tonight, looking to make it 8 in a row. I have all the faith in the world in that crafty lefty. Fuck the Phillies by winning tonight, and sweeping tomorrow.