Friday, May 30, 2008

Die, Charlie.

Ugh. I have a new enemy, and thy name is Charlie. 4 runs in 4 IP? Nice! 2 HR to 2 lefties? Left handed specialist, my ass. Bring back Burger King!
In case you missed it, here's the link for Longerhand's incredibly incredible catch to rob a home run from one of those Padres. White man can jump.
Stat of the day: Johnny Lannans has the lowest run support of any starter in the National League. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Jesus is better than JESUS!

Shawn Estes had the audacity to try and slip a fastball past JESUS! with the bases loaded. Yeah, you can guess what happened next.

Yard work by the big fella! He was quoted as saying:
That's a great feeling right there," Flores said. "He gave me a favor, giving me that fastball."

Our ever humble catcher. You know Estes threw the best pitch of his life. Now, come over here lil' buddy! I'm gonna give YOU a favor. Enjoy, sir:

Can't forget Mi Hermano, though. Sanches came in and got in a whole lotta trouble (shocker). Manny handed the ball to Luis, and he ran off 1 2/3 IP with 0 runs. Muchos Goodos, Luis! The Wookie got the save with a 1-2-3 9th.

Going for the series win today at 3:35 EDT. Johhny Lannans time = Go time!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

On to Estes...

Ya know, I've got a lot to write about, but not too much time to do it. Sorry about that, folks. I promise, I'll roll out a serious post here soon. (As a heads up for the article, though, it's about the shitty situation I think [you think? Way to go out on a limb] is developing in the outfield.)
So, some stuff happened last night, and the Nats lost. I'm not sure where to start (Umm..Shawn? You can't get away with five walks in one inning, pal. Charlie Manning? More like Eli Cooper Manning. Way to go, Hammer Hands. More like Homer (giver-upper) Hands.) so I won't. Instead, let's look to this evening:
Rental Perez against Shawn Estes. You may remember Shawn Estes from...well, if you remember him, you a genius! He's appeared in 4 games in 3 years. Sterling attendance record there, Shawn. The only thing you might actually remember the guy from was when he was sent to the hill by the Mets to plunk Roger Clemens in 2002. Now, Clemens ain't a skinny guy, by any means, but Estes managed to miss him with the pitch; It went behind Clemens by about two feet. Bad aim? More like bad gonads. More than one person was upset at Estes for not hitting Clemens, and more than one questioned his guts. I just can't find those references anywhere on these here intertubes. Was the Internet even around in 2002? That was like, decades ago, man.
So, bottom line, don't look for any retaliation tonight from Estes. Guys, feel free to plunk the entire Padres line up. Please.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Time to pound us some Padres

Well, enough of that Milwaukee madness, we're off to sunny San Diego! It'll be a nice 'n easy 3 game sweep. We got Hill (so they say, anyway) going tonight, with Rental Perez, and Johnny! Lannans! finishing out the series. They shouldn't have any issues shutting down them Pads 'cause, well, they suck. How bad is their offense? The Nats have a better team batting average than them. I swear! We may be 14th in the league, but they're 16th. Take that, San Diego!
Randy Wolf is the head enemy tonight. Fun Fact: When Wolf pitched in Philly, his fans were called the "wolf pack." Yes, it is a very ingenious name. Look, Philly ain't known for its intelligence. They put cheez-whiz on their cheese steaks, for Christ's sake. Second BONUS fun fact: Randy Wolf bought his current house from Slash (the guitarist, not the porn star. Although, there may be as much semen in that house regardless which one owned it). Boy, I gotta question the intelligence of someone who buys their freaking house from a rock star. Cocaine's a bitch to get out of the ventilation system. Unless, I dunno, he likes a little blow every now and then. Which works out well, cause he's got a small penis.*
The bad news? The game starts at 10 pm EDT. Zippie chance I make it through 3 innings. Doctor, you're my eyes tonight, sir. Now, let's roll off 3 in a row, my main men!

*may or may not be true.


Oh, wait. We don't. I may not be cut out for this whole rebuilding thingie. I need to see some success and development from more than just Jesus. (JESUS!) Dooks had a lil' better game yesterday, but he's still looks incompetent at the dish. Millidge is really shaping up to be a terrible defensive center fielder. WMP? BAH!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Memorial Day goodness.

I gotta be honest, folks, I'm not overly confident today. The offense has been struggling as of late, and they're facing Benjamin Sheets today.
I got nothing to say about Sheetsie. The kids a fucking stud. I'm just looking forward to catching a couple innings of some good baseball. Bergie is on the bump for the Nats today to try and counter Mr. Sheets.
Our main hope for today? Well, the Wookie was on the 2000 Olympic team that won the Gold Medal in Sydney. Who else was on the team? Sheets. Hopefully, Rauch took him out drinking last night to talk about that 2000 medal winning experience. I'm pretty sure 6'11" can drink 6'1" under the table, right?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

The better Jesus won.

Our Jesus..


Jeff Suppan's Jesus.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Bring on the beer makers.

Alright, did everyone enjoy their day off? Good. Now, back to some good old fashioned baseball. Nats style. Which isn't very good, as of late, but God damnit, it's our style.
On the bump tonight? Rental Perez against Billy Bible. I mean Jeff Suppan.

He doesn't look harmful, does he? Ugh, might want to keep him away from your children. He moonlights as a religious preacher. If your so inclined (and who am I to judge?) you can feel free to purchase Suppan's DVD.

Yes, my friends, Jeff would like to let you know how his "faith guides and sustains his spectacular Major League career." Right. Are you trying to blame your 4.80 ERA and 1.60 WHIP on God?

Is he allowed say, "Jesus!" when Flores goes yard off him? Alls I know is that Babe Ruth didn't have the greatest career of all time praising Jesus along the way. No sir, he had it thanks to beer and hookers. Hey, Jeff... maybe a trip down to 4th & K with $40 can get you a win tonight?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Another arm falls off.

Damn. So much for lightening the mood today. From the Nats
The Washington Nationals today placed right fielder Austin Kearns on the 15-Day Disabled List (right elbow). The Nationals will make a corresponding roster move prior to tomorrow's series opener vs. Milwaukee. Nationals Senior Vice President and General Manager Jim Bowden made the announcement.
Tomorrow, Kearns will have arthroscopic surgery performed by Dr. Tim Kremchek in Cincinnati, OH, to remove loose bodies in his right elbow. He is expected to miss 3-4 weeks.

So, what next? Who comes up?

EDIT: I just realized that when they put Belliard on the DL, they called up P Chris Schroeder. I'm thinking they may call up a middle infielder since they're stuck with only Flop, Gooz, and (eek!) Willy Harris. Feel free to ignore the following paragraph.

Longer hands? Escobar? Bernadina? Justin Maxwell would be nice, but he ain't exactly burning it up in Harrisburg. Through 40 games: .246 BA, but that comes with a decent .872 OPS, and .386 OBP. He also has 13 SB's, and could add some desperately needed speed. He still has some pop, though, with 7 HR's in 138 AB. He can also play all 3 outfield positions, and could spell Wily or Dooks if they need it. I'm thinking the Nats go with Dooks for a week or so in RF, and platoon Wily/Maxwell/Macowakiaki/Harris?

Any thoughts on Elijah giving the RF nod? Well, since he will be the starting RF for weeks to come, and thoughts? Anybody have any ideas? My cat, chimed in with this message..


Let's lighten the mood, shall we?

So, yeah, I was pretty bummed last night. The good news? It's an off day today, so our boys can't stab me in the heart anymore (today). Also, this gem straight from Jimmy Bowden himself:

On Jesus Flores: Last night [Tuesday 5/20] he called a phenomenal game with Bergmann. He made the great block at the plate [Watch it again!]. And the thing that's most impressive with Jesus - last year he struggled, mechanically, his approach with pop ups. This year he's catching all of us. ... He's developing before our eyes.
On whether Flores should stay in the lineup once Lo Duca is healthy: You have to give him more at bats and more games, but since he's been back this time he's certainly showed that. ... it's going to be extremely hard to take him out of the lineup if he plays like this [Read: Fuck you, LoDu! Have fun counting your cash while you're on the bench.]. We're about developing players.

Anyway, in honor of the majority of the team not being able to distinguish their head from their ass (and YOU in particular, Elijah. 2 hits? Really? 12 K's? Really?), I thought it appropriate to post this picture. It's a visor we got for free on visor give-a-way day. We didn't catch the difference at first, but once we saw it, we knew it was a keeper. Worse fuck up: Nats offense or Nats visor? Discuss.

P.S. Wrigley dog is saying hi in the background. He's a cute lil' dude, right? Don't ya wanna just squeeze him? I do!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

What the.....??

I haven't turned off a Nats game in...forever. Guess what, dudes? Switched that dial tonight!

So. Fucking. Pathetic.


I don't know what to say/think. Obviously, I'm pretty bummed. I might be best off leaving it at that. I may post tomorrow, I may not. If I don't, check out the Nationals Park web cam. You might be able to see me hanging myself from the scoreboard, if you're lucky.

They're KILLING me, Whitey. They're killing me.

Bergmann threw an incredible game. When he got in a jam in the 7th, he worked out of it, and the Phillies didn't score. Saul came in and threw a great 8th, again, no score for the Phillies.

/Puts on manager cap
Me: Hey, Randy. Let's get Ayala up to throw the 9th. Then we can bring in Rauch for the 10th, if need be.
/Takes off manager hat

Manny brings in Rauch for the 9th (where the score is still 0-0). Leadoff hitter doubles. He gets pinch run for. Sacrifice bunt moves him to 3rd base, one out. Dobbs up to bat.

/Puts manager cap back on
Me (in a text message): Walk him (Dobbs) to set up the double play? I would.
/Takes off manager hat

Dobbs singles to center to score the go ahead (and winning) run.

I could just end this post here, and slam my head into the wall and die. I won't however. In the same inning, with two outs, Dobbs was still on first. Victorino came up and hit a ball into left center while Mills was playing him waaaay over in right. Milledge ran a country mile to get the ball, fired off a shot to the cut off man (Goooz) who turned and fired to home to try and get Dobbs at home. It looked like Dobbs scored. He did not, however. Why? Because Jesus made an incredible block of the plate. I mean, he put on a fucking clinic. That's the best block I've seen since my friend's wife got a diaphragm. Just awesome. I actually have a link here for that play, but I want to preface it by saying something. I don't hate Bob Carpenter, but I do hate some of the things he does. What irks me the most about him is how he "forecasts" the call. I just want to punch him in the nuts when he does that. Jesus, Bob, just wait for the play to develop, and end. Don't call it before the fucking umpire does, okay? Now, here's the link, which includes audio of Bob Carpenter doing his worst.

I got nothing for the offense. They know the suck. They have to, right? I do want to give props to Dooks, however. He came up with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th. He worked a walk on 6 pitches. What does he do next? Mother fucker steals second, and third. These were steals too, not defense indifference. Mackowakiak walked and Flop came up. I actually found myself thinking, "he can do this. Flop's been hitting well this year!" Well, poop on me for thinking that, as he grounded out to end the game. 1-0 loss to the Philthies. Sets up the rubber game today, with el muy hermoso left coast lefty on the bump. Now, how bout we give him some offense? Offense on three, ready? ONE-TWO-THREE..

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Washington Nationals = Fragile

Well, let's see here. I think I covered Slick's 4-6 week injury time out. I also mentioned Kearns is "day to day" with a sore right elbow. Did I mention Shawn Hill is going to miss a start? (WHAT? Shawn Hill will miss a start? He's the fucking Cal Ripken of pitchers, though, right?) Yeah, I know it's a shock, but his elbows been bad, too. He got a cortisone shot or four and had some fluid drained. So, taking his start on Wednesday will be the man, the myth, the legend: Studly Dudley himself. The left coast lefty. Number one in our hearts, number 47 in the program. Mr Matthew Bryan Chico. Oh, also taking a trip to the DL today? Bellie, who was placed on the DL retroactive to Friday because of a sore calf. Chris Schroeder is expected to be called up to take his place.

I don't mean to gloss over our heroes and their fantastic performance from last night. I just wanted to make sure I gave you all the facts. Capt Redd came through in fine fashion, pitching 6 1/3 while giving up no (none, nada, zippie, zero) runs. I can't say the same for that spouse puncher, however. He got the loss after going 6 innings while giving up 8 hits, 3 ER's and 3 BB's. I hope his wife didn't make the trip, cause me thinks Brett might want to flail his meaty ham hands around a bit in frustration.
Saul came in and got out of a tight jam by getting two outs with a guy on base. Mi hermano (LUUUUUUIS!) pitched a perfect 8th (with 1 K). And Hammer fucking Hands, of all people, came in to work the 9th. Not sure why Manny went with him over Rauchie but it wasn't a save situation, so that might be the reason. Who knows? Not me. Anyway, he threw a perfect 9th (That's right, dude did not walk anyone) to end the game. Final score: Good guys 4 - bad guys 0.
Mills had a 2 RBI double in the 3rd, and hit a rope for another double in the 5th. He is awarded the ADOTDA (Awesome dude of the day medal) for the 5/19 game. Enjoy, shorty!

Hopefully I can pop back in later and preview the Jason Bergmann experience, which is performing live tonight at Nationals Park. (If I don't, it's because the episode of "Most Shocking" that's been sitting in my DVR for a week is new, and not a repeat. LOVE me some Most Shocking. Most Daring is pretty cool, too. D.E.A., however? Awful. Horrible. Awfully horrible.)

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Philthies come to town.

Look out, DC. Philadelphia is coming for a three game stand, and they're bringing all their trash with them. Tonight, we welcome this idiot:

When Brett Myers isn't busy sucking at baseball (2008 stats: 5.91 ERA; 66 hits in 53.3 IP; 4 mascots kicked in the groin; 15 HR's given up) he enjoys threatening to punch sports writers, and calling them retarded. A quick quote from that interaction:

BM: “Yeah, cause you’re a retard, you don’t know shit about fuckin’ baseball. You’re filling in for somebody.”
Interviewer: “How do you spell ‘retard’?”
BM: “You know how to spell it, it’s in your fuckin’ vocabulary, I’m sure you know.”
Interviewer: “You are classy, I’ll tell ya.”
BM: “Go on. [Get] outta here, you fuckin’ idiot.”
Interviewer: [pointing at Brett Myers] “You’re the fuckin’ idiot.”
BM: “Hey! You pointin’ at me motherfucker?! I’ll tell you what, dude, I’ll knock you mutherfucking out! FUCK YOU!!! You’re tough when fuckin’ people are standing in front of you, aren’t you, you piece of shit! Come on! You fucking idiot. Yeah, you’re tough when fuckin’ people are standing in front of you, you stupid ass.”

Believe it or not, since he didn't actually hit the reporter, it was a positive step forward for Brett. In the past, he would've just punched the person in the face. Just ask his wife. She got the business end of his pitching fist back in 2006. Ah, but we all knew the Myers' marriage would end up that way, right? I remember the speech he gave back on his wedding day...

I first met my wife back in 2004 at bar called Punchies. I'll never forget it, cause even though she was smoking hot, I could see she was a little bit of a wild one, too. I saw her from behind from far across the bar. I walked up behind her, and asked her if she would like a drink. So, she turned around and I saw she had a black eye...a shiner! So right away I think, "Oh, Brett..I dunno about this one, she obviously doesn't listen." But we've been together since, and I only had to clock the bitch once.

That was one of the most surreal moments of my life, for sure. Going up against the spouse beater is Capt. Redd. No word yet on the status of Austin Kearns. He was a late scratch yesterday due to some elbow pain. (Although, me thinks it was a case of can't hit or field shit.) We'll see if Manny gives him another game or two on the bench.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Boo. Boo. Yay!

Jesus, what a busy weekend.

The good:

Johnny fucking Lannans! Might as well pen in the Cy Young ballots now, peeps.
Mi hermano. Lights out, fools!

The bad:

Anyone in the lineup not named Gooz, Flop, or Zim.

The Ugly:

Blastings, WMP, Kearnsie, Slick.

So, Slick is out 4-6 weeks. Was Austin benched, or is he injured? How the hell does Jesus get tossed? Those were incredibly, incredibly bad calls by McClelland. I haven't seen anyone squeezed as tight as hammer hands was since my buddy Joe Deitz got in that fight with that Black Bear in Montana. That was ugly. So were his calls. Blech.

1-2 for the Bmore series. I'm just happy everyone returned with their lives. Baltimore is notorious for stabbings, rapes, and crab cakes. Luckily our fighting heroes from DC avoided all.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Battle in Crackmore. Ugh.

Our valiant warriors play their 11th game in a row tonight, when Shawn Hill takes on Gregg Garrett Olson. It's a 3 game set being held in the hell hole that is Baltimore. If you were thinking of going up there for the series, don't. Just watch the sweep on TV, and save yourself from getting:
  1. Mugged while trying to park near Camden Yards
  2. A bad case of H.I.V. from the homeless hooker by the train tracks that will assault you on your way to the field.
  3. Stabbed by Ray Lewis, who sleeps in Ravens Stadium, because he spends all his money on crack, heroin, and energy drinks. (I said RED BULL, PUNK! What is this AMP shit you giving me? Boy, YOU DEAD! YOU DEAD, BOY! YOU DEAD!)
  4. Bitten by a mosquito from the inner harbor, thereby contracting the deadly Baltimore strain of Malaria.
  5. An awful headache from listening to all that Baltimorese that the Baltimorons speak.
Meat is with the team today, and is expected to DH. Shawn Hill needs some offense tonight to get his first decision of the season. He may just throw a no hitter. Maybe. No updates on the catching situation yet. I was kicking that topic around with one of my homeboys yesterday. Peep this: Nats cut Estrada, keep Flores as the starting catcher, and make LoDu the backup. Thoughts? I know, that leaves Wil the Thril in the cold, and $5 million on the bench, but Jesus is the future, maybe even the present.

Alright, rascals. Get outta here, and start drinking already! If you do head up to Baltimore, good luck, and god speed!

Mopping up from Thursday, and Wagner's a douche.

Ok, a 1-0 win against the Mets yesterday made the Nats 3-1 for that series. Makes me tingly all over. And down there.
I need to hand out the awesome dude of the day medal, but there's a problem. How can it go to just one guy? I wanna hand it to Bergmann. I really do. He made the Mets look like grade schoolers out there. Like absolutely crappy ball players. HOWEVER, < /Steven A. Smith > we needed Jesus to get himself into scoring position, Flop to drive him in, Willie Mays Hayes Harris to make that catch, Luis Ayala to throw that wickedly wicked 8th, and the Wookie to finish it off.
What the hell, all six of you doods share yesterday's medal. Enjoy, fellas.

And one last thing to leave the dumpster that is New York with. In an article written in the New York Times yesterday, there is an interview with Billy Wagner. Yes, yes, he does go on to insert his hoof into his mouth a couple times, and looks just like the prick he always is. Now, however, I have confirmation my suspicions. Billy Wagner is a douchey toolbox:
Billy Wagner was almost out the door of the Mets’ clubhouse on Thursday. He was dressed in blue jeans and a T-shirt, had his cellphone earpiece in place and had tobacco stuffed against his lower lip.

Anyone who walks around with a bluetooth headset on is a douche. It wouldn't surprise me in the least to hear he also wears a fanny pack.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Slick = Healthy as a horse. Day game. Updated: A Win!

Edit: Post game comments at the end of this post.
Two quick points to hit on. First, Nick Johnson will be out 4-6 weeks with a "tear of the tendon sheath in his right wrist." Jesus. This guy is more fragile than Barbaro and Eight Belles combined. Luckily, Meat will be coming up to the big league club and will man first base. He won't be playing first base, he'll just be standing around it, doing his best to not fall down.
Second, I have to use MLB Gameday (more like Lameday) today for the day game. I brought in another radio, but still couldn't get a signal. I am convinced my work has my office surrounded by lead plates to block out all radio signals. Seems like something they would do, given they already blocked youtube. Bastards.
I can't help but feel bad for Bergie here. He got called back up, but at the expense of Chico. I'm sure he's getting millions of hate emails right about now, and not just from me. Anyway, Go Nats, Mets you suck.

BREAKING NEWS: Mets catcher Ramon Castro, member of the Beagle Boys Gang?


Well, the Nats did it. They won 3 out of 4 in this series. The game was actually decent on MLB's Gameday (I will forever drop my nickname of Lameday), especially since they now have video features added quickly, and pitch counts. That being said, for the Nats 1-0 win today, I'd like to thank some folks.

I would like to thank:
  • The Academy for the nomination.
  • Jason Bergmann for his awesome performance throwing the ball today.
  • Jesus Flores for his all around coolness, and his double to kick start the 8th.
  • Your mother for a butt like that.
  • Flop for his RBI fly to deep left.
  • GOOZ! for his heads up scamper to third to receive Boonie's throw to get Reyes trying to advance to 3rd on a sacrifice bunt.
  • Willie Harris for his gravity defying catch in the 9th. If that drops, Beltran might score.
  • My fiance, whose stood by me through thick and thin. I love you sweetie!
  • Carlos Beltran or Willie Randolph, for Beltran breaking to the plate on contact for the double play to end the 9th.
  • And finally, to mi hermano, LUUUUUUUIS. I love you buddy. Awesomely awesome scoreless inning there, Luis. I think you're back, baby.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

No worries.

Have no fear, faithful readers. Luis is coming in to end the 8th here. According to Don Sutton (and I'm paraphrasing):

"Randy Jesus Saint Pope St. Claire found something wrong in his delivery. He fixed it, because he's the Messiah."

Fuck, Don. I know you're wrong 40% of the time, but please be right here.

Good guys 5, bad guys 2. 1 out in the bottom of the 8th, men on 1st and 2nd.


UPDATE 1: Luis "mi hermano" Ayala retired every single batter he faced. Luis is back! And he's all out of bubble gum.

UPDATE 2: Rauchie came in, and got out of the 8th, and is on in the 9th with the score 5-3. Good guys are up.

UPDATE 3: Rauch is good. Just struck out the billion dollar man Carlos Delgado. Have a seat, lunch meat!

Update 4: ZIM! caught Schnieder's pop up for out 2. I'm staying here for the rest of the game.

0-2 count...

curve ball that the guy (Mets dude..looks shady..don't know his name) didn't chase

Swing and a BIG miss on Rauchie's 82 MPH change. Game over. Another one for the good guys.

Props to ZIM!, Flop, Gooz, and Flores. Can't forget Capt Redd, who threw a heck of a game, and got win number 5.

I haven't figured out what I'm doing for tomorrow's day game. I might just leave work to go home and watch it. Who knows?

p.s. Jesus this Phil Wood guy is a huge globbering glob of goo. He's stumbling more over his words than I do over my feet after an average Saturday night. It's called a tele-prompter, fattie. Use it.

p.p.s. I've never thought I would be wishing for Ray Knight, yet I am. Fuck this shit, I'm switching over to the hoc-key game.

p.p.p.s. Nice hair, Phil! (This coming from someone with no hair, but no bitterness, I swear.)

Seriously, I found this picture, and it's the absolute best he's ever looked. Nice five head.

Another ex Nat throwing tonight?

So, Chico Harlan and Barry Svrlg had their usual Wednesday chat today. Imagine my surprise when I see this question pop up:

Section 138: John Lannan. Actually a mortal being?

Barry Svrluga: It would appear that way, wouldn't it? Last night, he was more erratic than usual, particularly in the strike zone, giving up all those hits. But think of it this way, too: If Austin Kearns can somehow snare Ryan Church's absolutely scorched line drive, Lannan gets out of a six-inning outing having allowed just two runs. I think in the big picture Lannan is doing quite well. He's not afraid of situations, he'll pitch inside, and he's learning on the fly with really respectable results.

Wait..wait a minute! Section 138? That's my section! There must be some savvy Nats fans that sit in that section. Which is weird, because I've never seen the same people there twice this season. Hmm.

I actually think Barry missed the point of my question, but whatever. I didn't think he looked bad at all last night. I was questioning the blood/tissue make up of Mr. Lannans. Like, maybe he's an alien, or a robot.

I made an error (WHAT? YOU? NO!) earlier this week. I assumed Chico was going to take O'Connor's starting spot, since they brought up Schroder (a reliever). Well, today they announced Jason Bergmann would get the start tomorrow. Matt, bro, I'm sorry. I know you would rather be starting. So, I made another card for you.

Finally, we have Capt. Redd on the bump tonight. His opponent? Claudio "6 teams in 4 seasons" Vargas. Hey, he played in the Nats organization for a while. You would think a club with pitching problems like the Nats had in 2005 wouldn't give this guy up, right? What's that? Oh, apparently he went 0-3 with a 9.24 ERA in 4 starts for the Nats back then. Good luck, sir. You're gonna need it against our mighty men. We welcome you to the Majors this year, along with your 1-1 record with a 4.91 ERA from AAA. Hope you last longer than Figuroro did.

Non baseball related video.

I really, really hate to bump down my Kearnsie post. Please, read it. Or even skip this post.

That said, I give you two of the greatest things in history: Chevelle and Takuya Sugi.

You're welcome

Kearnsie stabs this blogger in the heart

Austin, Austin, Austin. I stick up for you. I cheer for you. I contemplate purchasing a 25 jersey. Why? Because you're a friendly fella from Kentucky, who sometimes hits well, but always plays stellar defense. Uh, ok, now you're just a friendly fella from Kentucky.

[side tangent alert!]
Note to Ryan Church; Not sure what the fuck you were trying to convey/accomplish with this quote, but now I'm convinced you're a prick.
For that play, at least, Kearns received forgiveness from all relevant parties. The official scorer ruled the play a double. ("I hit the . . . out of it," said Church, whose other hit was a third-inning home run.

Churchie, buddy. Some dude hit the ... out of your wife last night. Some Jewish dude.
[Back to the Kearnsie discussion now]

No, one bad play does not destroy a player's defensive prowess* (no one fields 1.000). But, when that player is struggling to hit my average blood alcohol content, is hitting no home runs, and leaves more people stranded than my 1970 VW Beetle did, you're no good. I hope you turn the corner, dude, I really do. I'd be more than happy to make my season ticket location "Kearnsie's Korner." At this rate, however, it might end up being "Langerhan's Location," or something lamer than that (if possible).

*Since I'm defending Kearnsie's defense here, I might as well quote some folks, who use real, hard numbers.

Capital Punishment:
[Kearns] "puts a lot of pride into his defense and that invisible sort of hustle, the kind that never shows up on the stat sheets, adds a lot of value. But, there are some cases where it does show up in the stats:

-- Two errors all year, leading the league in Fielding Percentage
-- First in double plays
-- First in putouts -- by 50!
-- First in Zone Rating
-- Most plays made outside his defensive zone

If you convert his zone ratings numbers into an estimate of how many runs he saved relative to an average RFer, it's a staggering number, roughly 16 runs."
Baseballevoloution.com (in discussing the 2007 Gold Glove award):

"I would, however, take a moment to point out the fact that Washington Nationals rightfielder Austin Kearns had a wonderful season defensively, finishing first in revised zone rating, plays made, BIZ (whatever that means), and plays made outside the zone, and second in the league in fielding percentage, range factor, and zone rating. I am sure I would have taken him over Francoeur."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Figuroroa's talking about professionalism?

A quote from Nelson Figgerroa:

Nelson Figueroa knows about bush league baseball. After all, he's toured the world trying to resurrect his major league career.

But not until Monday night did Figueroa witness a truly amateurish display, the Mets pitcher suggested. Incensed at the chants emanating from the Washington dugout during the Mets' 10-4 loss Monday night at Shea, Figueroa ripped the Nationals afterward.

"They were cheerleading in the dugout like a bunch of softball girls," Figueroa said. "I'm a professional, just like anybody else. I take huge offense to that. If that's what a last-place team needs to do to fire themselves up, so be it. I think you need to show a little bit more class, a little bit more professionalism. They won tonight, but again, in the long run, they are who they are."

I'm not sure what a girls softball team would sound like, but judging from his line last night (5.0 IP 5H 6R 5 BB 2HBP 9.00 ERA 2.40 WHIP), he probably heard some of this from the Nats dugout:
  • Figgy, you throw like a girl.
  • Your mother wears army boots!
  • Figs, you're turning into Mackey Sasser tonight.
  • We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher.
  • You just walked a guy twice with a career OBP of .333
  • Maybe the FBI could help you find the plate.
  • Fuck off, you fucking fuck!
  • How's your wife and my kids?
  • You know, you're not pitching very well at all tonight, sir.
  • Figs, I've seen better arms on a snake.
  • What's that on the mound? Is that a human, or a 6'1" pair of eyebrows?
  • Figs, you're getting smoked like you're some weed at a Phish show.

EDIT: How did I miss that you got demoted, Figgie? Have fun in New Orleans, sissy.

Mets are dead, dawg.

Johnny Lannans on the bump tonight. Let's kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy! We gonna sink the Maine tonight. (Did I really just write that? Maybe I need to be sat a day until my writing gets out of it's slump?)
Note of glorious wonder that I neglected to get to:
Mike O'Connor (the Mike O'Connor who gave up 9 runs in 3.1 IP) was optioned to AAA Columbus. See you later, Mikey. Can't say it was fun while it lasted. Maybe you can pick up a personality in Ohio. Then again, it is Ohio, so good luck with that.
So, who did the Nats bring up to fill that roster spot? Bergmann? Mock? Nope, it was Christopher Schroder. Sweetness! That means my main man with the master plan, Matthew Bryan Chico will slide back into that 5th starter spot. Congrats, Matty. You deserve it. You know what else you deserve? A big fat one of these:

Thanks for keeping hammer hands company on the bullpen bench. That's why your the bestest of the best!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Dear Doctor,


Thanks for introducing me to these golden Gods that are the Nats. These guys rock my socks. Lastings, and Jesus, and Zimmerman, oh my!
10-3 in the 7th? Meh, fuck me if I do something else besides stayed glue to the t.v.
Hey, Mets... you looking forward to this 3 game sweep?

EDIT: Jesus Christ, guys. I guess I'm watching the rest of this game. Turn it off for two seconds...

2nd Edit: I'm 99% positive Rob Makowiakiak is bat shit certifiably insane.

Et tu, Luis?

I got a friend we call Doctor or, sometimes, The Doctor. Now, I've always been a huge fan of baseball. I played up until I was somewhere in the range of 23/24. I umpire baseball now, and play on my company softball team. I watched the Nationals pretty regularly since they got into town, and considered myself a casual fan. Well, Doctor decides to try and ratchet up my fanism a little bit. Whataya know? It worked. (Although, I am the same guy who was convinced to brand himself with a pull tab from a beer can, so I'm pretty sure he didn't have to twist my arm too much.)
So, it is with a heavy heart that I utter these words...

Fuck you, Doctor.

Jesus Christ, dude. Couldn't you of gotten me to dive head first into...I dunno, ANYTHING BUT THE NATS!? Yesterday's game was just one of many gut punches this year. I don't know if my boys can put up with being kicked that much more.

I admit, though, that this one may have been my fault. I watched Shawn Hill cruise through 7 innings, and up 4-2. I had to run to the store super quick, and figured that was as good a time as ever. I ran to Safeway, came back, and clicked the game back on. I'm pretty sure something to the effect of "Shit, fuck, God damn, motherfuckers," came out of my mouth. I jumped in during the top of the 9th. I had missed the very crucial 8th. I jumped on the laptop to see whose fault it was. "God damn hammer hands", I was thinking to myself. "No, he threw yesterday, I bet it was Colome."

Who? Really? Seriously? No! NO! NO! Not mi hermano! Not my buddy, Luis. He wouldn't do that to me! He was just blowing kisses and miming the meaning of Saul's nickname to me on Saturday night. (It means "little.... something". I say "something" because my charade skills suck, so I'm not sure what he was trying to act out with his second gesture.) I still love you though, Luis. You gave me something to smile about today while reading the WAPO's gameday recap.

Before departing, Ayala stood in a quiet clubhouse, an ice block mummy-wrapped atop his right shoulder. He refused to comment about his latest performance, saying, in English, "I don't speak English."

Fucking guy is funny, I'll give him that. Unless there's a rain out, it looks like Rental Perez up against that big eyebrowed Figueroa dude. I hate that guy, so it'll be good to see him give up 7 runs in the first two innings. Right?

Hrmmm. Quite fitting.

So, despite my recent rantings about the ludicrous prices of Meat bobbleheads, I broke down and won bought one off eBay. I mean, who the hell was I kidding saying I could hold out? This is a Washington National's bobblehead, people!! And, it's MEAT! So, it arrived this morning, and imagine my dismay, and absolute terror, when I opened it up to find it looking like this.

It's a fucking epidemic, people!! Soon there will be 15 guys with arms falling off!! Why, God? Why must you smite us so?

p.s. That dude's feedback is gonna be in the crapper when I'm done rating him. Yeah!

p.p.s. I don't want to hear any comments about my snowman mug! Snowmen rock all year round, damnit!

Sunday, May 11, 2008


So, the first pitch of the game was crushed to left for a homer. Ya. You can figure out how the game went, right? Bad guys scored 256 runs (estimated). Good guys? 0.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Saturday, Saturday. Saturday, Saturday.

Is that how the song goes? Oh well, feel free to hum that Elton John Saturday night's all right for fighting song, thingie.

Last night wasn't pretty. Few highlights. Well, at least one; Matthew THE KING Chico.

2.0 IP 0 BB 0 ER. Solid. Atta boy, Chico! You are hereby presented with the first ever Nats Nation super winner hero number 1 awesome dude of the day medal:

Enjoy it, buddy! Me n the girlie have tickets tonight. I'm sure the knowledge that we're there will spur our heroes onto victory. Nats 17 - Marlins 0.

Friday, May 9, 2008

The weekend is here, have a can of beer

It's the fish coming back into town. I gotta admit, I ain't too motivated to write about them. Seriously. So, you get a quickie preview and like it. On the hill tonight is good ol' Capt. Redd for the good guys, against stinky ol' Ricky Tabasco for the Marlins. Ricky is from Corona, CA, and is sporting a 6.10 ERA, and a nasty snarl.

Ain't he a tough looking one? Cheer up, Ricky. You're from Corona, CA. Home of The Golden Cheese Company of California, one of the largest cheese factories in the world!

No lineups yet, but I'd bet we see Blastings back in center. Maybe Dooks in left? Enjoy the game, kiddies!

Johhny Savior

Johnny comes through again. All hail St. Lannan. He toyed with the Astros last night. He walked the first hitter of the ballgame, just to throw them off. Idiots got cocky, and thought they could win. Losers. Manny gave a couple guys the night off, cause he knew it wouldn't be a close game. Mackowakiak and Willie H hit a bomb each, and Kearnsie and Slick added some RBIs if their own. So, with that, we bid farewell to the hell hole that is Houston.

A couple injury updates, LoDu and Estrada are both being put on the DL. Jesus will be brought up, and my main man Dooksie is going to be activated. My God, Nationals are being broken at an alarming rate. I was able to chat with team physician, Dr. Benjamin Shaffer, MD, and he showed me the x-rays from Chad, LoDu, and Estrada. I managed to steal them when he wasn't looking, and smuggled them home. I scanned them in for you guys. Here you go.

Interesting how they're all the same, no? Poor guys are frowning, too. That's all right, though. They'll be back good as new shitty as ever in 30 days or so.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Let's do this

Two things from last night's game that really, really bugged me. First, there's this douchebag:

I had a chance to hear an interview conducted with him last night. Cause I love you guys, I'll transcribe it for you.

  • Interviewer: Doug, great inning out there, how did you feel?
  • Brocail: I felt good. Real good. Sexy good.
  • Int: You only had to face 4 batters in your 8th inning appearance, you have to be happy about that?
  • Brocail: Ya, for sure. Super happy. Makes me wanna drink a beer and eat a steak, ya know?
  • Int: When Zimmerman singled with one out, what went through your mind?
  • Brocail: Well, you know, normal stuff. I know he's the fastest guy on their squad, so I wanted to keep him from getting a great jump. And hamburgers. I was also thinking about hamburgers.
  • Int: You threw over to first 4 times between 3 pitches. I'd say Zimmerman was in your head.
  • Brocail: Ya, you know, he's a speedster. He led the league in SB's last year..with..like..238 of 'em? So, I wanted to keep him close. Plus, I really, really like Berkman. He's a stud. I like throwing the ball over to him, cause you know he's gonna throw it back real hard like. He also has a really cool beard going these days. I like to look at that. And he can eat a steak, too. We go to the steak house in town a lot. And eat steaks. A lot of them. They're good. Berkie's cute when he has some A-1 sauce on his chin.
  • Int: Uh, Zimmerman only had 4 SB's all last year. He's not fleet of foot, Doug.
  • Brocail: Really? I must have had him mixed up with another one of them then. All those Nationals look alike. You know what? I was thinking he was that CF'er with the name that reminds me of an english muffin.
  • Int: Nook Logan?
  • Broacil: Ya, totally. I thought I was facing Nook Logan. He looks a lot like Zimmerman. Anyway, I gotta go hit the showers before Berkie's done his. Then I'm gonna drink a beer, and eat a hamburger. Maybe put some cheese on it. Later.
Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than pitchers slowing down the game with needless throws to first. You ain't gonna catch Zim sleeping. You're not. Period. He's like a fucking shark. Never sleeps, that guy.

Second thing that pissed me off? Hammer fucking Hands. Jesus, son, throw a God damn strike or two. 5 BB's in 2 1/3 IP? I'll take up a collection for your birthday, Joel. Sneak peak at your gift:

That's gonna be the best damn $39.99 I'll ever spend. Those 47 bonus secrets are gonna be so wickedly awesome, he might win the Cy Young.

Lannan on the bump tonight. I'm looking for him to bounce back from his last performance with his usual stuff. 8 IP 1 H 17 K 0 BB. In fact, put a call into your bookie and place everything you own on Johnny. Trust me, I know a thing or two about baseball.

Our 3rd base coach = Satan

Tim Tolman might have the worst judgment of any human being. Ever. Brittany Spears has made some better decisions than him. I'm going to steal an idea from a forum I frequent (you can too). Imagine if Tim Tolman's job was an air traffic controller. What would ensue?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dark day.

Two casualties to note.
1) Capital Punishment (the second link on the right) has decided to stop updating the blog. Chris Needham was the author, and his presence on the intertubes will be missed.
2) Chico to the bullpen. Very, very sad day. I had to break the news to my other cat, Chico Cat Jr. when I got home just now. Jr is devastated.

Live by Kearnsie, die by Kearnsie

I'm all for Kearnsie making that dive attempt. 2 outs, on the road? Need that catch, and that's that. Nobody better utter a peep about him. OK? Great.
LoDu, though? Pile the fuck on, my friends. Lance Berkman with 2 SB's? Really? This is a guy who has 54 career stolen bases in his previous 9 years. I'm not sure if Paulie could throw out my Grandmother, and she's been dead since 1995.
Anyone else think Manny's positioning of the OF was weird? Especially in the bottom of the 8th. He had Blastings playing right-center on Tejada, who ended up dropping one into center that Blastings couldn't get to. Then, Manny has Blastings playing left-center on Berkman, who stroked one up the middle. Again, maybe Blastings gets to that ball if he's playing straight away. Then again, maybe not. It seemed as though him and WMP were battling it out to see who could get the "most atrocious defensive performance" award for last night. Great googilly moogilly was that bad. Might as well just put two nets out there. They'd have the same range as those two, and would cost nothing. Shit, the net could hit better than WMP, too.
Finally... say it ain't so! Barry over at the WaPo decides to casually drop this in his gamer:
Asked about potential changes in the rotation, Acta said, "If we make a change, we'll let you know." Bergmann, demoted to Columbus on April 12, last pitched Sunday, so he would be right on his turn to take Chico's spot if need be.

If this happens to our beloved #47, I'm not sure what I'll do. Hunger strike? Boycott? Smash stuff? Drink till I'm dead? I don't even want to think about it. I had a chance to ask my cat, Chico Cat, what he thought of the situation. I hope your reading this, Bowden. I hope you like the fact that you're breaking his teeny lil' Chico loving heart!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Battle of Houston begins

Down in Houston for a 3 game stand. 8:05 pm start, don't forget. Two Shawns go head to head tonight. Shawn Hill (maybe) vs. Shawn Chacon. I'm sure a certain Olney resident will agree with me when I say:

Put your hat on straight, damnitt! Fucking whipper snapper. And GET OFF MY LAWN!!

The bizarre thing is he's from Anchorage, Alaska. Weird. Anyway, the dude sucks, as evidenced by Pittsburgh wanting nothing more to do with him after he pitched there for 1 1/2 years. Nats easily have 23 hits, while scoring 16. It should be way more than the good Shawn (Hill) needs, and we cruise to another victory. VICTORY! As Lou Brown once said, "It's starting to come together, Pepper. It's starting to come together."

Other news.. Elijah Dukes is all better. Well, his hammy is. The front office has said he will be called up when his performance determines it. That's great. Except, it's pretty fucking hard to let your performance speak for you when you're too busy getting thrown out of games. Jesus, Elijah. Is it physically impossible for you to go a certain amount of games without being ejected? You know, for the amount of fucking weed this guy smokes, you'd think he could chill the fuck out a little.

Finally, if anyone would like to donate to this wonderful blogger's Nats paraphernalia, feel free to get me one of Meat's bobbleheads from last Thursday's game. I sure as shit want it, but I sure as shit ain't gonna pay over $20 for it, though. Some are going for over $40 on eBay. That's insane. I like Dmitri as much as the next guy, but I'll use that for my beer and hookers, thanks you very much.

Life may end at 32

I played baseball from when I was 7 years old up until about 24 or so. I thought softball would be an easy transition. I forgot that I hadn't done anything remotely athletic in the last 8 years, however.
Someone kill me. Please. My company had our first softball games last night. I felt good on the field, and on the bases. I played short stop (I'm coming for you, Gooz!) so I had a lot of cut off throws, on top of the 8 or so throws to first. I noticed my arm starting to hurt last night around 8:30.
If I had a machete in my night stand, I may have used it this morning. To cut my head off. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I've never been this sore in my life. It took me 20 minutes to get out of bed, I shit you not. I had a hard time lifting my foot off the gas and brake pedals this morning. My shoulder is searing right now. I have a meeting at 10, and I'm not sure I'll be able to take notes.
So, it appears humans lose the ability to recuperate around year 32. It also didn't help that the most athletic feats I've done in the last 8 years has been lifting beer to mouth, climbing my stairs to take a whiz (more on that at another time, but, seriously..what dick face decided to build a 2 story town home with no bathroom on the bottom floor? Asshole!), and playing fetch with the mutts once a month.
Let's just say, I now have a new found respect for LoDu. He's gotta keep banging all them 19 year olds so he won't wake up like me every morning.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Typical emotion right now for Nats Fans

Originally uploaded by dreamagicjp

2008 Nats = Greatest team ever?

So, after disposing of the riff-raff this weekend, the Nats are 9-4 in their last 13, and 8-2 in their last 10. It's not like we've gotten to play the poopy Pirates every game, either. Check out these stats. Be forewarned, however: these will blow your friggin mind, man!

2-2 against the Mets
2-1 against the Cubs
2-0 against them injins
3-1 against the JV squad from Pittsburgh.

Like, whoa, man.

I was hella busy over the weekend, so I didn't get to post a lot. My apologies. Highlights from the weekend:
  • Wil the Thril made another bullpen appearance on Saturday, warming up Colome, Saul, and Luis. I had a cahnce to ask him if they get to keep the Negro League uni's they were wearing. He said he didn't know, but that he hopes so.
  • Rivera hails from a really, really, really bad part of Puerto Rico. I was sitting next to a friend of Saul's for the game, and he mentioned that it was the "area no one goes to. Not even the people who live in Puerto Rico go there. It's bad, man." So, Saul should feel right at home in South East D.C.
  • Saul and Wil are quickly gaining ground on Mi Hermano for "bestest person ever" status.
  • The three white guys in the pen are dicks. Gas face for Hammer Hands, Connie, and Rauchie.
  • I now possess the nickname Saul had growing up in Puerto Rico. Said the person that gave it to me when I asked him what it meant, "Ask Saul." I'm not sure if I should ever use it.
Day of rest for our golden Gods today. Start up a three game set in the Gross State of Texas on Tuesday. You know the old saying about Texas..Only steers and queers come from Texas, and the Astros are retarded fuck-faces on a stick.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Going for the series win

Nationals send Capt. Redd to the hill to defeat Ian Oquendo. I mean Snell. You see, Ian used his wife's last name (Oquendo) from 2001-2003. Why? Got me, my friends. You got me. See, Ian's a hard guy to figure out (unless you're a hitter, then he's pretty easy to figure out). He plays for a team that resides in Pittsburgh. You would prolly want to endear yourself to the Pittsburgians, no? Well, not good ol' Ian. (quote courtesy of Mondesishouse)

In an interview with ESPN 1250's Ken Laird, Pirate pitcher Ian Snell was asked about his off-season plans. Laird asked if Snell planned on staying around the city.
Snell's response?
"I would never be caught living in Pittsburgh. It's not my type of city."

Seems like one helluva guy. I look forward to the Nats putting up 37 hits on him today.

Saturday, May 3, 2008


Nationals rule, Pirates drool!

Aliens! Ahh!

The reports are still quiet and few, but from what I have gathered, here is what we know:
  • Johnny Lannan was abducted by aliens, and replaced by an inferior Martian body form.
  • The Martian body form was only a 7% representation of Johnny.
  • Aliens attempted to also replace Wil the Thril, but he fought off 83 attackers killing 82 and maiming 1.
  • Matthew Chico has been in Nationals protective custody the last 48 hours, making his abduction impossible.
So, the Pirates will send Paul Mahome, the pride of Greenwood, MS (giggle) up against #47, who is working on an extra days rest. Expect Matty to top 100 mph today, and hold the Pirates to three hits.
I'll be at the park, celebrating the sweet sweet taste of victory. Maybe Mi Hermano will join me?

Friday, May 2, 2008

Lannan + Nieves = ZOMG!!!11!!!!11

So, I have tickets for tomorrow's game. I was pretty pumped, because that was Johnny's turn in the rotation. Fuck sticks. That's ok, though. Just means I get to see an extra rested #47 (in the scorecards, but #1 in our hearts!) destroy the meager Pirate batters. Plus, Wil the Thril may end up hanging in the bullpen again. That was neato-torpedo.
So, that means on tap for tonight is the aforementioned 2008 NL Cy Young award winner, Mr Johnny Lannans vs. Phil Dumatrait. Phil fucking Dumatrait. I know folks say we take all the Reds castoffs, but this fucker put up an 0-4 record with a 15.00 ERA in Cinci last year.With a 2.83 WHIP. Stop laughing, the Pittsburgh fans are starting to pout.
Since Johnny's throwing, that means we also have the awesomely awesome Wil Nieves behind the plate. The 185 lb bundle of fuck-you-up is set to roll. He's gonna catch a no-hitter, while hitting for the cycle tonight. Shit's gonna be silly!
I won't be able to watch, however, for a shitty high school in NOVA needs my superior umpiring ability. As always, sending the score via telekinesis is much appreciated.

Kearnsie poops on poopy Pirates

KEARNSIE! Much love to my beloved #25. Stroking home the winning run. I like that. Speaking of stroking, I gotta get this out of the way. Da Meat Hook has been on the DL with a bad back, and it was just a shitty situation. Nothing was getting better. There were two consultations with doctors (3 if you count Andrew's opinion), and even a call into the Mayo Clinic. Nothing was fixing this shit. That is...until a lady got her hands on Meat. Clipping from the WaPo notebook:

"Young worked with Nationals massage therapist Tatiana Tchamouroff, who focused on his penis hip flexor rather than his back.

"All of a sudden, he felt instant release," Bowden said. "She found the spot."'

You want happy ending now?

Anyway, Nats destroyed the Pirates last night. I didn't get to watch any of the game, only listened to the first inning on the radio cause I had a game to umpire last night. I heard the call on Wil the Thril's 2 run poke, and knew the ballgame was over. I have yet to look at the box score, but I assume the Nationals had 29 hits and the Pirates 1.

Nats have now won 4 straight, and 7 of their last 9. Their record is now 12-17 (.414). Pirates? NOT SO GOOD! How's .393 feel, losers? Other losers? A certain frequent visitor's Rangers. .379? Good god man! Time to have Josh Hammy dealing his stuff in the locker room, maybe.

Well, more goodness to come tonight. Pirates? Maybe wanna bring some skill tonight. Forecast?:

Thursday, May 1, 2008

What on tap for tonight? Murder.

The Nationals welcome the Pirates into their humble home tonight. Rental Perez against some 0 and something pitcher..... Zach Duke is his name. I've only known one other Zach in my life. This Zach Duke guy looks like just as big a douche, and is probably a worse pitcher. WHIP? 1.81. Awesome! Let the slaughter begin. True story: I have a bet with a Pirates fan about who's team will have the better head to head record. On the line is a case of beer, and a carton of cigarettes. I'm trying to quit cigarettes, but I'll take his sister instead carton anyway. I im'd him this morning to see if he was prepared for the rampaging rampage about to be laid down.

me: Series starts today, dude. You're facing the hottest team in the universe. Skeeered?
Sent at 11:35 AM on Thursday

him: hahaha um no

me: Then you dumb, holmes.
Sent at 11:38 AM on Thursday

him: ummmm I'm pretty sure pirates face many worse things than gnats

me: Whatever your name. You obviously hit the ol' moonshine this morning.
Sent at 11:40 AM on Thursday

The poor dumb fool thinks he stands a chance. I had a picture of the retarded Pirates mascot, Douchey McFuckstick, with a Nationals player sticking his foot up the parrots ass. However, since the formerly mentioned Pirate fan put me in a bad mood with his false bravado, you do not get to witness my MS Paint magic today. Instead, you get to see a picture taken on the Pirates plane today, when they realized they had to play the Nationals today. This is their best player, Nate McLuuuth:

That's right, Nate. The thunder is coming, baby.

Destiny, baby.

That post heading? That's good shit right there. There's the lame old school saying that goes something to the effect of: Keep on keeping on, and the breaks will eventually go your way.

Fuck all that. When Manny was asked about Wil missing that the bunt was taken off, bunting it right back to the pitcher anyway, only to have it go through the pitchers legs?

Destiny, baby.

God damn fucking right. Destiny.

I didn't see the game, only heard the first 3 innings on my way to a game. I saw 4 aborted highlights on Sportscenter (again..note to ESPN: Fuck. You.) which only showed Flop grounding into the double play, Wil bunting with two strikes, Belly's bases loaded walk, and Flop's single to left for the win. Meh. Maybe that's all that needed to be shown?

Props to Shawn Hill. Good effort, kid. You might be in this Cy Young race with Chico and Lannan, if you keep this up!

Other tidbit: Cardiac's arm did, in fact, fall off. It will take 4-6 weeks to reattach it. Manny's prolly gonna keep the bullpen at just 6 guys, and leave Wil the Thril on the roster. Works for me.