Johhny Savior

Johnny comes through again. All hail St. Lannan. He toyed with the Astros last night. He walked the first hitter of the ballgame, just to throw them off. Idiots got cocky, and thought they could win. Losers. Manny gave a couple guys the night off, cause he knew it wouldn't be a close game. Mackowakiak and Willie H hit a bomb each, and Kearnsie and Slick added some RBIs if their own. So, with that, we bid farewell to the hell hole that is Houston.



A couple injury updates, LoDu and Estrada are both being put on the DL. Jesus will be brought up, and my main man Dooksie is going to be activated. My God, Nationals are being broken at an alarming rate. I was able to chat with team physician, Dr. Benjamin Shaffer, MD, and he showed me the x-rays from Chad, LoDu, and Estrada. I managed to steal them when he wasn't looking, and smuggled them home. I scanned them in for you guys. Here you go.


Interesting how they're all the same, no? Poor guys are frowning, too. That's all right, though. They'll be back good as new shitty as ever in 30 days or so.

Live by Kearnsie, die by Kearnsie

I'm all for Kearnsie making that dive attempt. 2 outs, on the road? Need that catch, and that's that. Nobody better utter a peep about him. OK? Great.
LoDu, though? Pile the fuck on, my friends. Lance Berkman with 2 SB's? Really? This is a guy who has 54 career stolen bases in his previous 9 years. I'm not sure if Paulie could throw out my Grandmother, and she's been dead since 1995.
Anyone else think Manny's positioning of the OF was weird? Especially in the bottom of the 8th. He had Blastings playing right-center on Tejada, who ended up dropping one into center that Blastings couldn't get to. Then, Manny has Blastings playing left-center on Berkman, who stroked one up the middle. Again, maybe Blastings gets to that ball if he's playing straight away. Then again, maybe not. It seemed as though him and WMP were battling it out to see who could get the "most atrocious defensive performance" award for last night. Great googilly moogilly was that bad. Might as well just put two nets out there. They'd have the same range as those two, and would cost nothing. Shit, the net could hit better than WMP, too.
Finally... say it ain't so! Barry over at the WaPo decides to casually drop this in his gamer:

Asked about potential changes in the rotation, Acta said, "If we make a change, we'll let you know." Bergmann, demoted to Columbus on April 12, last pitched Sunday, so he would be right on his turn to take Chico's spot if need be.

If this happens to our beloved #47, I'm not sure what I'll do. Hunger strike? Boycott? Smash stuff? Drink till I'm dead? I don't even want to think about it. I had a chance to ask my cat, Chico Cat, what he thought of the situation. I hope your reading this, Bowden. I hope you like the fact that you're breaking his teeny lil' Chico loving heart!

Shawn Hill? Apparantly.

I still think Hill will get scratched from the lineup at..like..6:55, but that's just me.

It don't make no difference, though. Throwing for the Marlins? Burke Badenhop. Stop laughing. Seriously. His mommy loves her some alliteration. It's his third major league start of his career. Two words for you, rook:

Washington Fucking Nationals.

Today, we win our second in a row, and begin our fantastic drive to finishing 2008 with a record of 150-12.

So if Hill is on the roster, who got got demoted? No one. It turns out LoDu is broken. Sweet! Nieves on the roster till 5/29. Let's see if Manny gives him a few more starts than Estrada. Also getting a weird start is Flop, who will be at short stop. Maybe Manny leaves him at lead off?

Let's win this one 85-1, and make it a great day for the DC sports scene. The Cappies won their playoff game today, and play again on Monday. What? Who? The Wizards?

Base-ket-ball? O.o

LoDu on Barry's blog? Please.

So, all of a sudden, some dude on Barry's blog (clickie the link to the right, ungrateful fucks!) is using the name Paul L, and is impersonating LoDuca. A bunch of the posters over there are actually buying it. Me? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet. As I commented over there, LoDu's computer is really simple. He turns it on, and it goes straight to MySpace. He doesn't have the slightest idea how to access any other webpage.
Lannan going tonight against......hold on, my computers being slow today...do I still have that chick's myspace page open? God damn. Kids today, they put so much shit on those pages. Hold on, just came across this quote on her page:

stealing stuff...
you know,
like hearts and shit

Paul, if it really is you, and you found my blog, and clicked on her link, and took her on one of your swell dates? Well, you two were destined to be, my friend. She's your lobster.

Ok..Lannan vs. Nelson Figueroa? Isn't he their right fielder? What? Oh, that's Angel Pagan? Whatever..Figueroa, Pagan..Smith, Jones.

JESUS! The thing's I do for you readers. Do yourself a favor..do NOT look up Fig's (no, I didn't want to spell his name again) profile. One. Ugly. Dude. Guy's got bigger eyebrows than Jim's dad from American Pie.

No predictions tonight. I don't wanna jinx the guys. Lets just say I feel we might put up a lot of runs tonight. Like more than.... I dunno.... 40. I'm out, suckers.

Nats..Caps..Ahhh!

So, I was toying with the idea of live blogging a game this week. I had tonight in mind, but forgot the Caps were playing as well. Since hopping on the bandwagon is all the fucking rage, I'll be flipping between the Nats and Caps tonight. (BTW, a guy at the park on Saturday tried starting a "N-A-T-S nats, nats, nats" cheer. I thought it was lame, and would've told him to his face, but I was to busy filling in all the little diamonds in the score book with all those Braves runs.)
We got Rental Perez, they got some dude named Pelty, or Peltry. What? Pelfrey? OK, they got Pelfrey going.
I got an email today from a Nats player who overheard the following conversation* on the way to NY yesterday:

LoDu: LMillz, what do you have in store for those faggots back in New York?
Blastings: Paul, please. That term offends me. Respect the gay community.
LoDu: Wow, LMillz, I didn't know it bugged you so much. You gay? I mean, hell I could care less, just wondering?
Blastings: Me? Gay? I am not, no. Not that I hold anything against the gay community..I just like them bitches to bend they ho ass knees.
LoDu: Ha! Yeah! Right on, LMillz. You one funny dude. Bend they knees..
::giggle:: ::snort::

*may or may not actually be true.

LoDu = Caveman

Look, we all knew LoDu wasn't a freakin rocket scientist, but he aggravated one of my top 5 pet peeves today. Here's a quote from our very own Einstein in shin guards. (Hat tip, again, to Barry over at the WaPo. Click on his blog link to the right, if you so desire. Or don't. Fuck if I care)

It's missing the [New York Mets] fans, and missing the security guards, the parking lot guys, the guys you became friends with for a couple years. That's it. I could care less about missing the guys. We're going to see those guys, and my job now is to beat them up. I could care less about that. That's not going to be emotional at all. It's just going to be more emotional seeing people I haven't seen in a while.

Why does someone saying I could care less bug me so much? Fuck if I know, but it does. Damnit, Paul. Couldn't you just, I dunno, dangle a participle or two? Those I can overlook.

Fucking Macovikakiak

8th-0893.jpg
Originally uploaded by MissChatter

Hey, Rob! Nice throw from left field there, limp wrist. You not only missed the cut-off man, you missed his back up as well. That was some seriously awesome shit right there! With that kind of accuracy, Manny and Randy might have room in the pitching staff for you. Thank God Mr. Walk-Off was there as a third back up to keep the runner from advancing any further than home plate. He can't hit, might as well field.
Alls I know is that Ryan Longer-hands would've thrown the guy out at home. He can't hit worth a shit, but his fielding is pretty fly, for a white guy. Must be those extra long hands of his. (Hat tip to RJ for the nickname. I'll get ya something nice for letting me use it. Seriously. Like a small fries from the dollar menu. What? Ok, splurge then. A 3 piece of chicken selects. No, not the meal, just the chicken selects. Very good.) Anyway, look at Langer here, about to fire a fucking laser to some place to nail some dude. It's like poetry in motion. Sweet, sweet motion!

Opening Night

What did we learn?

• Kearnsie eats other right fielders for breakfast. Seriously. The man is an unstoppable defensive force. You could drop a bear from a helicopter into right field, and Kearns would catch it, kill it with his eye lasers, and throw it to 2nd in time to nail Jose Reyes. It's true. In fact..hang on..I'm updating Kearnsie's Wikipedia page. Not some faggy Koala Bear, either. We're talking a 300 lb fucking Grizzly.
  
• LoDuca has two noodle arms. He couldn't throw out a dick samich trying to still 2nd with his limp right arm, and he can't catch a Rauchie fastball with his limp left arm. Please, please, go back on the 'roids, Paul. I'm begging you. I'll even hook you up with a local 19 year old.
  
• Da Meat Hook is psychic. He predicted somone would win the game before Austin would get a chance to hit. The new Diabetes medicine they have him on must be some crazy shit.
• Finally, there's Zim. This guy eats lighting and shits thunder. Forget Chuck Norris, Zim would anally abuse Chuck. Hell, I heard that one time his mom was trying to beat him with a wooden spoon when he was 7. Zim turned to his mom, said, "What the fuck, Woman?", grabbed the wooden spoon, and hit her 400 feet on a rope.