Opening Night

What did we learn?

• Kearnsie eats other right fielders for breakfast. Seriously. The man is an unstoppable defensive force. You could drop a bear from a helicopter into right field, and Kearns would catch it, kill it with his eye lasers, and throw it to 2nd in time to nail Jose Reyes. It's true. In fact..hang on..I'm updating Kearnsie's Wikipedia page. Not some faggy Koala Bear, either. We're talking a 300 lb fucking Grizzly.
  
• LoDuca has two noodle arms. He couldn't throw out a dick samich trying to still 2nd with his limp right arm, and he can't catch a Rauchie fastball with his limp left arm. Please, please, go back on the 'roids, Paul. I'm begging you. I'll even hook you up with a local 19 year old.
  
• Da Meat Hook is psychic. He predicted somone would win the game before Austin would get a chance to hit. The new Diabetes medicine they have him on must be some crazy shit.
• Finally, there's Zim. This guy eats lighting and shits thunder. Forget Chuck Norris, Zim would anally abuse Chuck. Hell, I heard that one time his mom was trying to beat him with a wooden spoon when he was 7. Zim turned to his mom, said, "What the fuck, Woman?", grabbed the wooden spoon, and hit her 400 feet on a rope.