Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Uh oh for Utley

So, you know how Chase Utley has these knee issues? You know how it's kinda progressed from "Chase will take a day or two more off" to "oh shit!" mode in Philly now? Well, I kind of feel like I had a hand in it. Well, not me, exactly, and not a hand. You see, when I told my little hamster Zimmy that Chase had a tendinitis flare-up in late February, I saw him put his two little paws together, and heard him ask this of whatever higher being there may be:

At that time, the jury was out on the seriousness of the injury. As the days dragged on, the press was saying, "cortisone shot" and "see how he responds" and "a little more rest." When I went to feed Zimmy his itty bitty dinner a few days after he sent his little request skyward, he asked me:

After telling him to get the fuck out of my coffee mug (I drink from there, dammit), I told him the extent of the injury was still unknown, but that things hadn't improved. He got a little smile on his furry face and said, "Good. Good." I didn't want the poor guy to get his hopes up, and reminded him how greasy, and smarmy, and dirty Utley was, and that he probably still has some pull left with Satan after he took out JESUS in that dirty play at home plate. His knee might find a way to heal. He scrunched his face up and started pouting all Cole Hamels like and just mumbled to himself while kicking tiny dust balls with his tiny feet.
So, imagine my surprise when I went to deliver his teeny weeny copy of The Hamster Quarterly a day later, only to find him all:

I asked him why he was so happy, and he informed me that there was now talk in the press that Utley would open the season on the DL. I mean, little Zimmy was just beaming from cute little ear to cute little ear. He looked like Chase Utley's wife when Chase leaves for a road trip. Just giddy. So, kudos to the little guy for hexing Chase Utley. The very same Chase Utley that got us Nats fans to do something we never did before, and never did again... Give Lastings Milledge a standing ovation.
Remember that cool September night one game after Chase destroyed JESUS' leg in that cheap shot? The same game wear Odalis Perez plunked Chase in his first at bat? Well, fast forward to the 5th inning. Men on the corners with one out, and Elijah Dukes' strides to the plate. He hits a ground ball to third, and the third basement throws to second to start a double play. Only the second baseman couldn't turn the double play. That second baseman? Chase Utley. Why couldn't he turn the double play, and in failing to do so, allowed the tying run to score? I like to think it was because of this sweet-ass take out slide by Milledge.

Yes, sirree. Allow me to plagiarize from my original post and sum this play up.
My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear.
Now, as I said before, I would like to think that Utley didn't get that throw off because he was taken out by Milledge. But, in all honestly, it was probably because Utley was thinking about how many ducklings he could strangle in one hand later that evening. Or how he was soooo excited about the baby seal shipment that was due to arrive at his house later that week, as the clubbing chamber he built in his basement hadn't seen much use lately. Or could he have been distracted by that toddler that was sitting right behind the home dugout - directly in his field of vision as he looked towards first - and felt the urge to punch said toddler, and steal his Dippin' Dots? One will never know.
What one does know, however, is that: 1) Chase Utley has more evil in his little toe than Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini had in their entire bodies combined, and 2) Milledge is now in camp for the fourth MLB team willing to give him a shot at the roster. Which proves that the Utley is the harbinger of the Apocalypse, and that Lastings Milledge's motto should be: "No one makes bad look so damn good."

Monday, March 7, 2011

Detwiler and Espi? That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

That dude that was in Babe has been in a bazillion movies and TV shows, and has been nominated for one Oscar and three Emmy Awards. Yet, I still can only think of him as the farmer in Babe. And I use that quote in the post title all the time. I mean, I love my wife dearly, and she knows this (I think), but why in THE hell would I ever find myself saying, "That'll do, pig. That'll do." when she asks me certain questions? It's insane, but I do actually say it to her. I mean it to be nice, but there is no way in hell any woman is ever going to take it that way. Yet I still find myself saying it. I know she's gonna leave me one day for it, and my daughter is going to run away from home in 15 years because I'll keep saying to her, but I can't stop. It's like an addiction. I'm addicted to farmer Arthur Hogget's Babe quote. Is there rehab for that? Anyway, my post title was meant to indicate that Danny Espinosa and Ross Detwiler are gonna do just fine. Oh, and if that's the only thing you take away from yesterday's Nats Braves game, then you're doing it right. Aside from those two, the game was an absolute shit show.
Ross went 3 innings, giving up one hit, walking one, while striking out five. Those five strikeouts include the last four batters he faced for the day, too. He did happen to give up a run, but it was unearned as Ian De6mond started right where he left off last season with a throwing error. Yup, Ross probably stood loud and proud after yesterday's showing. He might have even gone to a local drinking establishment last night to order an alcoholic beverage or two in order to celebrate that outing. Unfortunately for Ross, he looks exactly like the 16-year-old kid that plays a 14-year-old kid on that show Parenthood, and no bartender on earth would serve him. (What? Yes, you have seen that show. It's the one with the guy from that '90s TV show Coach now playing the grandfather. You remember Coach, right? It was the show about the Minnesota State University Screaming Eagle football team. One assistant coach was played by Jerry Van Dyke, and the other one's name was Dauber. Still not ringing any bells? Okay, how about the fact that Parenthood has the guy who played Casey McCall in Sports Night playing the son of the Coach guy? Still nothing? GAH, you people are uncouth peasants!) But, seriously, even if Ross showed his ID, they'd laugh him out of the bar. Bryce Harper probably has to buy the bears and slip them to Ross under the table. Don't believe me? Okay, smart ass, which one of these two dudes is a 25-year-old baseball player, and which one can't buy porn yet?

Yeah, well... If Ross wasn't wearing his stupid uniform, you never would'a got it!

Now, Ross would've given up two runs yesterday if it wasn't for MY MAIN AMIGO, Danny Espinosa and his WWII era artillery gun for an arm. I mean, really, seriously, it's a ridiculous bazooka arm that Espinosa has. Jason Heyward was on first, and some jabroni hits a double. Nyjer is playing shallow and has to run to the warning track to get it. Nyjer grabs it, throws it 100 feet to Danny (on a goddamn HOP), who whirls around and... well... here's the video to show you how it worked out. I spliced footage that I got from inside the park about 35 seconds in. It has sounds from the outfield that we didn't get on the TV broadcast.

Yup, yup. 200 feet on the fly. I saw Wilson Ramos crying in the dugout after the inning. He had to have Danny come over and kiss his catching hand to make it all better. (True story!)

It also didn't hurt that my jersey came in on Saturday. What jersey is that, you ask? Well, let me show you!

BAM! How you like them apples? Now, the only thing that is guaranteed in the world, since I bought this jersey, is that Danny will change his uniform number. Because he hates me. It's probably from that time that I ran after him in the players parking lot after a game last year. I just wanted to hug him, since he's all cuddly looking. I tripped while I was running to grab him, though, and hit Nyjer's car with my face. I then flipped over Nyjer's hood and landed onto Desmond's car and put my lower torso through the windshield. Yeah. Pretty embarrassing moment all around. Especially since I was still screaming for Danny to come and hug me as the paramedics were trying to extract me from Ian's vehicle. The fact that they had to cut my clothes off might have weirded him out a bit as well, cause I was showing him my man bits... but, whatever. I'm cool. In fact, I'm sure he's forgotten the whole thing.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Pimping some new shirts.

Sorry for the pimp post, folks. (I'm not really sorry. Sorry for lying about being sorry, though. (Yes, that sorry was real.)) With the start of spring training and all, my shirt juices started flowing, and I turned out two new shirts in four days. The first is a shirt that I always wanted to do, but never had a healthy J-Flo to allow me to do it. Now that he has risen from the dead, however, I'm proud to introduce my homage to Jesus Flores.

Flores has always been one of my favorites, and I still have a bounty out on Chase Utley for his blatant attack on poor Joey Flowers. So, here's to a healthy 2011 for Jesus, and for him to start smiting some mother fuckers. He's got some time to make up for . (Shirt also available for the ladies, of course, and that one says, "Real women love JESUS.")
So... do me a favor, and buy the damn thing. (God forbid someone cashes in on the Utley bounty, as I'm a broke dood.)

The next shirt was one that I've been trying to do for two years. You see, my wife's favorite player became Roger Bernadina last year. "Make me a Bernie shirt," she'd say. (At least I think that's what she said. I'm about as good at listening to her as Dibble was to listening to Bobby Carpenter.) I made a lame attempt last year, but I really wasn't a fan of it. I uploaded it just long enough to order one, and pulled it. I keep trying to tell the wife that it's a GODDAMN LIMITED EDITION collectible, but I really wanted to make one she'd like. Now, I don't like to brag, but....

BAM. I'm really happy with how this shirt came out. So buy three, dammit. (Hey, if I'm gonna get fired for using some company time to make these things, I'm gonna need some of you to pony up some dough.) And for those of you that didn't know Roger's nickname was "The Shark" a good write up about it is here.
So, there you have it. Two new shirts. Buy them. Or I cry. Sniff.

The complete shirt store is here. As always, if you have an idea for a shirt, or want me to use my lame skills for a Nats player you like, shoot me an email. It's on the top right of the page. Or don't. It's cool. I got friends, you know. I don't need validation of my blogs' existence. Sniffle, sniffle. Man... who's cutting all the damn onions around here?