Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Uh oh for Utley

So, you know how Chase Utley has these knee issues? You know how it's kinda progressed from "Chase will take a day or two more off" to "oh shit!" mode in Philly now? Well, I kind of feel like I had a hand in it. Well, not me, exactly, and not a hand. You see, when I told my little hamster Zimmy that Chase had a tendinitis flare-up in late February, I saw him put his two little paws together, and heard him ask this of whatever higher being there may be:

At that time, the jury was out on the seriousness of the injury. As the days dragged on, the press was saying, "cortisone shot" and "see how he responds" and "a little more rest." When I went to feed Zimmy his itty bitty dinner a few days after he sent his little request skyward, he asked me:

After telling him to get the fuck out of my coffee mug (I drink from there, dammit), I told him the extent of the injury was still unknown, but that things hadn't improved. He got a little smile on his furry face and said, "Good. Good." I didn't want the poor guy to get his hopes up, and reminded him how greasy, and smarmy, and dirty Utley was, and that he probably still has some pull left with Satan after he took out JESUS in that dirty play at home plate. His knee might find a way to heal. He scrunched his face up and started pouting all Cole Hamels like and just mumbled to himself while kicking tiny dust balls with his tiny feet.
So, imagine my surprise when I went to deliver his teeny weeny copy of The Hamster Quarterly a day later, only to find him all:

I asked him why he was so happy, and he informed me that there was now talk in the press that Utley would open the season on the DL. I mean, little Zimmy was just beaming from cute little ear to cute little ear. He looked like Chase Utley's wife when Chase leaves for a road trip. Just giddy. So, kudos to the little guy for hexing Chase Utley. The very same Chase Utley that got us Nats fans to do something we never did before, and never did again... Give Lastings Milledge a standing ovation.
Remember that cool September night one game after Chase destroyed JESUS' leg in that cheap shot? The same game wear Odalis Perez plunked Chase in his first at bat? Well, fast forward to the 5th inning. Men on the corners with one out, and Elijah Dukes' strides to the plate. He hits a ground ball to third, and the third basement throws to second to start a double play. Only the second baseman couldn't turn the double play. That second baseman? Chase Utley. Why couldn't he turn the double play, and in failing to do so, allowed the tying run to score? I like to think it was because of this sweet-ass take out slide by Milledge.

Yes, sirree. Allow me to plagiarize from my original post and sum this play up.
My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear.
Now, as I said before, I would like to think that Utley didn't get that throw off because he was taken out by Milledge. But, in all honestly, it was probably because Utley was thinking about how many ducklings he could strangle in one hand later that evening. Or how he was soooo excited about the baby seal shipment that was due to arrive at his house later that week, as the clubbing chamber he built in his basement hadn't seen much use lately. Or could he have been distracted by that toddler that was sitting right behind the home dugout - directly in his field of vision as he looked towards first - and felt the urge to punch said toddler, and steal his Dippin' Dots? One will never know.
What one does know, however, is that: 1) Chase Utley has more evil in his little toe than Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini had in their entire bodies combined, and 2) Milledge is now in camp for the fourth MLB team willing to give him a shot at the roster. Which proves that the Utley is the harbinger of the Apocalypse, and that Lastings Milledge's motto should be: "No one makes bad look so damn good."


Sec314 said...

I'd post this to Facebook if I knew how.

Section 138 said...

I just added a link that allows you to share via Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit. *Just* for you, 314! I will also provide one (1) beer of your choosing for reading. You just have to find me. And I gotta be outside Nats Park. Cause, like, my section is listed in the title.