Who to give the 5th starting job to.

Well, it appears as though the last starting pitcher gig is going to go to either Scott Olsen or Garrett Mock, as JD Martin was optioned to Syracuse this morning.
Now, if you'll allow me to present my argument for who deserves the spot, based on hours of research and consultation with the best minds in baseball actually aiming my face towards the TV when these two pitch:

Mr. Rizzo and Mr. Rigglemen,
      If you do happen to decide upon Garrett Mock as your fifth starter, I will RIP YOUR FINGERS OFF AND USE THEM TO GOUGE MY OWN EYES OUT IN ORDER TO NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THAT HORRIBLENESS.
Sincerely yours,
Gavin

That wasn't so hard, was it? But... just in case you need more convincing, allow me to present Mr. Scott Olsen himself*, here to explain why he should get the gig.

"Sup, bitches? Look, I ain't gonna beat around the bush on this shit. G-Mock couldn't hit this. From 1.5 feet away. Pointed in the right direction.

Believe that. And why should I get the job? Shiiiiiit, I bring so much shit to the table, the table would be all broke and shit. From the weight of the shit. That I bring. To the table....

Whatever. I mean, shit, I'm Scott -motherfucking- Olsen. I kick so much butt, I kick ass

And, besides... how the hell you gonna say no to such a bad ass, tough, manly man like me? What's that? You doubt my machismo? Shiiiiiiit. You do know that I'm the baddest ass bad ass that's ever lived, right? No? Well then... peep this, jabronies.

You gonna deny the ladies from seeing that every fifth day? That's right. Didn't think so. I'm out!"


*Um, not actually Scott Olsen himself, but c'mon, you know that's what he's saying. Out loud to no one in particular as he struts around his hotel room in Viera with a bottle of Zima in his hand, and no shirt on. Actually, do they still even make Zima? Trick question! While they might not make it for you and me, they sure as shit would still make it for Scott Olsen!

The Nationals MLB auction site is an epic debacle.

So, I stumbled across an auction site for MLB a few months back, and have checked in on the Nationals auction site to see what was there from time to time. I never really gave the items a good look, and that, I now see, was a good thing.

Nope, this time I had to get all interested and actually read the descriptions of the items.

The first item I glanced at was a signed home jersey that was made for Jackie Robinson Day 2009. It has the number 42 on it, and is signed by 21 Nationals. 18 are players, two are coaches, and one is... well, I'm not sure what the hell this person does for the team:


It's a pretty neat jersey, though. It's up to $525.00 right now, if anyone wants to bid on it. (This would also be a good time to display the locker nameplate of Martis that had the 'n' missing from his first name that I took a picture of in the Nats clubhouse. Too bad it's still on the camera's card, and not on a PC. Another day though, folks. Something to look forward to!)


Okay, I know there have been 117 Castro's to play organized ball, but there has only been one Casto. If that one player happens to play for the team whose auction site your looking at, and has his fucking name spelled correctly on the God damn item, shouldn't it be spelled right in the description?


No one has placed a bid yet, folks, so go and plop down your hard earned $6.95 now here.


To continue the spelling of the names incorrectly theme, I present to you a neat-o card for our wonderful shortstop Cristian Guzman. Err, I mean... Christian. Again, this item actually has the name spelled out correctly for the dude who types this shit out, but he couldn't bother to pay attention.


The Guzman card also introduces us to another trend I found on the Nationals auction site: Misrepresentation and hyperbole. Whatever it takes to sell the item, I guess. You see... the item's description leads me to believe that Cristian (shit, I did it again...) Christian has won the AL Triple Crown three God damn times!! (Go eat shit, Ted Williams and Rogers Hornsby. You useless fuckers only won it twice each. Amateurs!) It's only when you actually look at the card itself that you realize it means he won the AL triples crown three times. Fuck it. Small difference, right? So go throw down your seven bucks here, cause no one else has ever won three Triple Crowns.

Hey, do you like Ryan Zimmerman? Yeah, so do I. Heck, who doesn't? You know who really likes Ryan Zimmerman though? The guy who wrote these statements on two Zim cards up for auction.

Exceptional Topps rookie card of The Nationals slugging third baseman and future Gold Glove All-Star Ryan Zimmerman!

And

Outstanding Bowman autograph RC of The Nationals third baseman who is compared to HOF'er Brooks Robinson, Ryan Zimmerman!

Wow. Way to put the pressure on him there, big guy. Look, he may very well win a Gold Glove someday, and he will be an All-Star... but you don't have to scare the poor kid into thinking if he doesn't make it into the HOF he'll be a fucking failure. I'm pretty sure he works as hard as he can. Unlike you, Mr. description author. Your mother is very disappointed in you.

Want to be goaded into buying something by a statement of the utmost absurdity? It's your lucky day, my friend. For just right here, if you plop down seven hard earned dollars, you'll get yourself a 2007 Fleer Rookie Sensations card of Scott Olsen. Now wait a second... Scotty ain't that bad. I mean, the author would like to point something out to you, and he's not kidding when he says:

Fantastic looking rookie card of The Nationals lefty starter who should blossom into a 15+ game winner Scott Olsen!

Holy fucking shit. Okay, I can only hope that he is kidding. 15+ wins? This is the same Scott Olsen who has averaged only 10 wins in the three seasons he's had more than 31 starts, right? The one whose baseball-reference page lists his 10 most similar pitchers here, and show those ten averaged 6.4 wins a year in their careers? Gah!

And finally, I leave you with this gem which has this awesomely insane description of a Stephen Englund card:

Certified Authentic Rookie Autographed card of the Washington Nationals top young prospect

Jesus. Christ. For reals? Top prospect? Stephen Englund? This is a kid who has hit .189/.310/.253 in four seasons of rookie, short season, and low A ball! Allow my seal to do my talking, if you please...


Englund wouldn't sniff the top 50 prospect list for the Nats. (No offense, Stephen, but you have... no offense. Dude... you're hitting .112/.187/.143 in Hagerstown this year.) So, what makes it worth throwing seven bucks on it? It's autographed!

Oh, I just got an idea. If any of you readers (that I love so much) would like my autograph, you can paypal me at my email address that is on the top right of the page. And I'll only charge you $6. Win - win situation? I think so.

Update on the Bonifacio, Dean, Smolinski for Olsen, Willingham trade.

Okay. I had overnight to think about it, and I crunched a couple numbers. First, the players coming to Washington:

• Joshua David Willingham. Born 2/17/79 (That makes him 29.) Goes by Josh, and has somewhere along the line been given the nickname "The Hammer." (Allrighty, then.) He was drafted in the 17th round of the 2000 draft out of the renowned baseball institution of...... the University of North Alabama. He is one of four former UNA Lions to play in the bigs, and the first since 2001. No, you haven't heard of any of the other three. His first taste of the Big Leagues came in 2004 and 2005 when he played in a combined 28 games. He grabbed the starting left field gig in 2006 and had a decent season, going .277/.356/.496 with 26 HR and 74 RBI in 132 games. He received one third place vote for the RoY, finishing tied for 9th. He seems to have been plagued by nagging injuries, based on the different bios out there on him. It might have something to do with the fact that he stands right on top of the fricking plate, though, since he's ranked 3rd in hit by pitches in the last two years. Anyway, he seems to be an okay fielder at fielding balls (0 errors in 08, 3 in 07), but might not be the fastest cat out there getting to balls, as he ranked 12th out of the 16 starting NL left fielders in range factor, with a 1.82. The league avg was 1.90. (OH! Who was number one in range factor? Wee-Willie Harris.) He's projected at 20-25 HR per year, and is arbitration eligible. He will certainly see an increase from his $405K 08 salary. Avg 162 game stats: .266/.361/.472 68BB, 127K, 32 2B, 25 HR, and 85 RBI. That strikeout to walk ratio kinda sucks (1.86 K's per BB), but it sure as hell beats Wily Mo's (4.83 K's per BB.)

• Scott Matthew Olsen. Born 1/12/84, which puts him at 24. He was drafted in the 6th round of the 2002 draft out of Crystal Lake South High School in Michigan. He goes by a few names, such as "Don't tase me bro", "butt-head", and "stoopid butt-head". There's not enough room on blogger for me to list all of his...."problems", but here are some: Punched in the eye by a teammate in 2006; Neck grabbed by his manager in 2006; Accused a teammate of not giving his full effort on a fielding play, threw a tantrum in the dugout over it, and almost got his ass whooped; Made an obscene gesture to the fans in 2007 (Hmm..Dooksie might like this guy, actually.); Received a 2 game suspension in 2007 for insubordination (He threw another tantrum, ripped of his jersey, and threw it at someone on the ball club. He was pinned against the wall by a teammate for this.); And finally, he has no problem giving the Police the finger. See, in July of 2007, he was clocked for speeding, and an officer tried to pull him over. "Not so fast!", said Scottie. He led the police on a little journey as he continued to drive to his house a little ways away. He pulled up into his driveway, got out of his car, and sat in a plastic lawn chair on his lawn, taunting the police. They finally tased him, as he tried to kick them on their attempts to grab him. He was arrested for DUI, resiting arrest with violence, fleeing and eluding a police officer, and childish buffoonery. He does have one good conduct report on his record, however. In 2006 he said he hated the Phillies. In 2007 he and Chase "I love to say fuck" Utley got in a shouting match, and Scott encouraged him to engage in fisticuffs. Chase declined because, well, he only likes to hit players that are not able to defend themselves. Chalk one up for Scottie, and I think he might help out the other Utley haters on the club. I didn't leave much room for stats, did I? Whoopsie! Here's the brief rundown of his avg season: 33 starts, 194 IP (5.8 IP/start), 85 BB 166 K's, 10 W 12 L, 4.04 ERA, and a 1.30 whip. The kid can be an innings eater, has strikeout potential, is a lefty, and projects to a number 3 starter. If he can harness his control, and mature a bit, he might be a solid number two. Like Willingham, he is also arbitration eligible, and finished with 1 RoY vote in 06 to finish tied for 9th.

Overall, I'm feeling a little better about the deal than I did last night. Anderson Hernandez looks to have the lock on 2nd base going into spring training, and I'm okay with that. Willingham either joins the stockpile of left fielders, or first baseman. If we can move Kearns, I would feel more positive, but let's see what else happens. I'm gonna miss Emilio and his speed and run production, and I was real high on him. I wish him the best, and hope for his sake the Marlins move Dan Uggla this off season. For details on P.J. Dean, and Jake Smolinski, I'm going to refer you over to Brian at NFA. Also, maybe one regular reader, the Doctor, could chime in. I know he was real high on Dean.