The Nationals MLB auction site is an epic debacle.

So, I stumbled across an auction site for MLB a few months back, and have checked in on the Nationals auction site to see what was there from time to time. I never really gave the items a good look, and that, I now see, was a good thing.

Nope, this time I had to get all interested and actually read the descriptions of the items.

The first item I glanced at was a signed home jersey that was made for Jackie Robinson Day 2009. It has the number 42 on it, and is signed by 21 Nationals. 18 are players, two are coaches, and one is... well, I'm not sure what the hell this person does for the team:


It's a pretty neat jersey, though. It's up to $525.00 right now, if anyone wants to bid on it. (This would also be a good time to display the locker nameplate of Martis that had the 'n' missing from his first name that I took a picture of in the Nats clubhouse. Too bad it's still on the camera's card, and not on a PC. Another day though, folks. Something to look forward to!)


Okay, I know there have been 117 Castro's to play organized ball, but there has only been one Casto. If that one player happens to play for the team whose auction site your looking at, and has his fucking name spelled correctly on the God damn item, shouldn't it be spelled right in the description?


No one has placed a bid yet, folks, so go and plop down your hard earned $6.95 now here.


To continue the spelling of the names incorrectly theme, I present to you a neat-o card for our wonderful shortstop Cristian Guzman. Err, I mean... Christian. Again, this item actually has the name spelled out correctly for the dude who types this shit out, but he couldn't bother to pay attention.


The Guzman card also introduces us to another trend I found on the Nationals auction site: Misrepresentation and hyperbole. Whatever it takes to sell the item, I guess. You see... the item's description leads me to believe that Cristian (shit, I did it again...) Christian has won the AL Triple Crown three God damn times!! (Go eat shit, Ted Williams and Rogers Hornsby. You useless fuckers only won it twice each. Amateurs!) It's only when you actually look at the card itself that you realize it means he won the AL triples crown three times. Fuck it. Small difference, right? So go throw down your seven bucks here, cause no one else has ever won three Triple Crowns.

Hey, do you like Ryan Zimmerman? Yeah, so do I. Heck, who doesn't? You know who really likes Ryan Zimmerman though? The guy who wrote these statements on two Zim cards up for auction.

Exceptional Topps rookie card of The Nationals slugging third baseman and future Gold Glove All-Star Ryan Zimmerman!

And

Outstanding Bowman autograph RC of The Nationals third baseman who is compared to HOF'er Brooks Robinson, Ryan Zimmerman!

Wow. Way to put the pressure on him there, big guy. Look, he may very well win a Gold Glove someday, and he will be an All-Star... but you don't have to scare the poor kid into thinking if he doesn't make it into the HOF he'll be a fucking failure. I'm pretty sure he works as hard as he can. Unlike you, Mr. description author. Your mother is very disappointed in you.

Want to be goaded into buying something by a statement of the utmost absurdity? It's your lucky day, my friend. For just right here, if you plop down seven hard earned dollars, you'll get yourself a 2007 Fleer Rookie Sensations card of Scott Olsen. Now wait a second... Scotty ain't that bad. I mean, the author would like to point something out to you, and he's not kidding when he says:

Fantastic looking rookie card of The Nationals lefty starter who should blossom into a 15+ game winner Scott Olsen!

Holy fucking shit. Okay, I can only hope that he is kidding. 15+ wins? This is the same Scott Olsen who has averaged only 10 wins in the three seasons he's had more than 31 starts, right? The one whose baseball-reference page lists his 10 most similar pitchers here, and show those ten averaged 6.4 wins a year in their careers? Gah!

And finally, I leave you with this gem which has this awesomely insane description of a Stephen Englund card:

Certified Authentic Rookie Autographed card of the Washington Nationals top young prospect

Jesus. Christ. For reals? Top prospect? Stephen Englund? This is a kid who has hit .189/.310/.253 in four seasons of rookie, short season, and low A ball! Allow my seal to do my talking, if you please...


Englund wouldn't sniff the top 50 prospect list for the Nats. (No offense, Stephen, but you have... no offense. Dude... you're hitting .112/.187/.143 in Hagerstown this year.) So, what makes it worth throwing seven bucks on it? It's autographed!

Oh, I just got an idea. If any of you readers (that I love so much) would like my autograph, you can paypal me at my email address that is on the top right of the page. And I'll only charge you $6. Win - win situation? I think so.