Hi, I'm Tyler Clippard, and I've done some horrible, horrible things to the folks in the front office of the Washington Nationals. I mean, what other reason could there be for me not being on the big league squad?
I guess I should try and mend some bridges...
Mr. Rizzo, I'm very sorry for running over your dog with that golf cart during spring training, but... really... who the fuck lets their dog run around the playing fields?
Mr. Acta, I'm very sorry for running over that hat that you love so much with a golf cart. You know... this one. But really, who the fuck wears fedoras anymore?
Mr. St. Claire, I'm very sorry for running over your 16 lb. stash of deer jerky in spring training with that golf cart, but, seriously, who the fuck needs that much jerky?
Mr. Lerners, I'm very sorry for crashing five golf carts during spring training. In all fairness, however, the drivers ed class at my High School was a joke. Did you know my High School has an enrollment of 2,800 kids? There were 879 other folks in my drivers ed class. That was not a very good learning environment, dammit!
So here I am. Me and my 1.02 ERA and my .991 WHIP are locked up in Syracuse.
I mean, what else does a brother gotta do to get a shot at the bigs? Seriously... peep this list of dudes that have gotten a shot this year over me:
- Kip Wells
- Saul Rivera
- Garrett Mock
- Marco Estrada
- Jason Bergmann
- Logan Kensing
- Steven Shell
- Mike Hinckley
You'd really rather have Jesus Colome and his 8.00 ERA than me? Or Kip Wells and his 6.26 ERA?
That's it, fellas. I gotta take make this a Grassroots Campaign. I'm done being quiet. I'm launching my new t-shirt line today.
This beautiful shirt can be yours today, folks. Buy it here, or I'll have to throw at your head. And I've got 0 wild pitches, bitches, so you'd be dead, dawg.