Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Who to give the 5th starting job to.

Well, it appears as though the last starting pitcher gig is going to go to either Scott Olsen or Garrett Mock, as JD Martin was optioned to Syracuse this morning.
Now, if you'll allow me to present my argument for who deserves the spot, based on hours of research and consultation with the best minds in baseball actually aiming my face towards the TV when these two pitch:

Mr. Rizzo and Mr. Rigglemen,
      If you do happen to decide upon Garrett Mock as your fifth starter, I will RIP YOUR FINGERS OFF AND USE THEM TO GOUGE MY OWN EYES OUT IN ORDER TO NOT BE SUBJECTED TO THAT HORRIBLENESS.
Sincerely yours,

That wasn't so hard, was it? But... just in case you need more convincing, allow me to present Mr. Scott Olsen himself*, here to explain why he should get the gig.

"Sup, bitches? Look, I ain't gonna beat around the bush on this shit. G-Mock couldn't hit this. From 1.5 feet away. Pointed in the right direction.
Believe that. And why should I get the job? Shiiiiiit, I bring so much shit to the table, the table would be all broke and shit. From the weight of the shit. That I bring. To the table....

Whatever. I mean, shit, I'm Scott -motherfucking- Olsen. I kick so much butt, I kick ass

And, besides... how the hell you gonna say no to such a bad ass, tough, manly man like me? What's that? You doubt my machismo? Shiiiiiiit. You do know that I'm the baddest ass bad ass that's ever lived, right? No? Well then... peep this, jabronies.

You gonna deny the ladies from seeing that every fifth day? That's right. Didn't think so. I'm out!"

*Um, not actually Scott Olsen himself, but c'mon, you know that's what he's saying. Out loud to no one in particular as he struts around his hotel room in Viera with a bottle of Zima in his hand, and no shirt on. Actually, do they still even make Zima? Trick question! While they might not make it for you and me, they sure as shit would still make it for Scott Olsen!


Rob Birch said...

But does he ooze machismo?

The Doctor said...

Not like you, Chico Man, but the machismo fator is high. I think he keeps a box of machismo sticks in his locker and flicks them in the face of reporters after games.