So long, Adam.

Well, I had this post written up last week, but was working on the crappy ass photoshops, and lost track of time. Next thing you know, the Nats go all BIZZARO on us and throw $126 GOD DAMN million dollars at the hairy muppet Jayson Werth, and this post becomes (kind of) moot.

Screw it, I'm posting this anyway, dammit.

So long, Mr. Dunn. You chose to sign with the Chicago White Sox for 4 years and$56MM. I can't say I blame you, as the Nats never went higher than 3 years and ~$35MM. I know how important that fourth year was for you, and good on you for getting it.

I can't say I'll miss screaming at you for taking the walk over hitting a sacrifice fly, but I will miss your personality. You kept it light, and always, always made it seem like you were having fun. In fact, one of my favorite moments of last year was your waving to Josh Willingham for a job well done after he drove in a run with a single.

Wait... who's that in the corner sticking his head into my gif, dammit? ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

Oh, it's Ryan Zimemrman, who said pretty much everything besides "Let Dunn go, and I'm outtie, bro" to Mike Rizzo this year. I actually had a sit down with Ryan right after Dunn signed with the White Sox and reminded him about Adam's... less than spectacular performance in one area. Nope, not his strikeouts. Nope, not his drop in OBP this year. Nope, not even his fielding. I reminded him about...



"Oh yeah," Ryan said. "I forgot I used to ask him 74 times a game to keep his fucking gum in his fucking mouth. I swear, with all the dirt and insects that stuck to his gum, his mouth was as filthy as Chase Utley."

And no one, I mean NO ONE, likes to be reminded of Chase Utley.

Danny Espinosa, you big lug.

So, Danny Espinosa is playing winter ball in Puerto Rico this year (Cause let's face it, real men play ball ALL. YEAR. LONG.) and happened to have himself a pretty good game last night.The line from the box score?

5 plate appearances. BB, 1B, 2B, 3B, HR, 4 RBI.

Yay, it's the cycle! One of the most random baseball stats around. But don't let its randomness confuse you into thinking it's not pure awesomeness, however, cause it sure as shit is. He hit the HR first, then added the triple, then walked. When he came up to bat for the fourth time, the pitcher was all:

Which was a pretty appropriate reaction, as Espi was raking last night, and hit a double in that at bat, and finished it off with a single in his last plate appearance. That's man style right there. Hit the big balls for the kiddies in case they gotta leave before the game is over. (He's a fucking philanthropist on top of everything else, you know.)

Any-who, Espi rules and his opponents drool. It's getting to be old hat at this point. Be prepared for him to hit .375/.520/.780 next year, folks. And win a Gold Glove. And save a kid from choking on a hot dog in the 7th inning stretch. All in a season's work, ya know?

P.S. In case you were wondering, gingerbread men do not make natural actors. I had that one gingerbread man above try that "scared face" on his own, and it came out worse than Chase Utley trying to act modest. Fakest expression ever. So, I snapped a pic of his regular face, then got the scared shot by giving him some motivation. That motivation was simply to put him in the most terrifying situation the little guy could ever be in:



I almost feel bad for the little man, but nature is nature, and Meat Hook was gonna eat him eventually. Might as well make it a good photo opportunity.

PPS. Danny is playing for the "Leones de Ponce" in the Puerto Rican League. If your Spanish is as horrible as mine, you pronounce it "Leonces day Ponces", which is cool cause it rhymes, and you can pretend all the team names in that league rhyme. And a league of all rhyming named teams makes me smile for some reason.

Collin Balester's moustache is back

If you're not following Collin Balester on Twitter, then you might not know about a cause he's pimping. You see, he's the captain of a team named "Bally's Staches" over at us.movember.com. What exactly is Movember? Well, they have a FAQ here, and best I can tell, it's a charity event aimed at raising money and awareness for cancers that men are faced with. Guys are growing moustaches for the month of November, which is whimsically renamed Movember. All funds raised go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LiveStrong. You can donate money directly to Collin, or the team. You can even join Collin's team and raise money yourself, all the while raising the total amount that Bally's Staches' raises.

Folks who read this blog know that I'm not a very serious guy. I write irreverent posts that poke fun at people and myself. I like to make crappy photoshops and stupid videos for the most part. But, here's one fact that blew my mind when I found it out. (Even more-so than when I found out Wil Nieves was still getting paid after Wilson Ramos was called up. Call the cops, it's a robbery! ) If a man lives long enough, he will develop prostate cancer. Autopsy studies have shown that 30% of men in their 50s had prostate cancer, and 80% of men in their 70s had it. So, kudos to Collin for bringing attention to it.

Now that the serious shit is over, I can get to the entire reason for writing this post. (Well, besides the whole cancer bit.) I present to you an awesome gif that I found randomly on the interwebs that I have mangled with my inferior graphic skills. It's entitled "Moustaches Make a Difference."

(For the record, my pictures would show me without a moustache and the label "Generic White Guy", while my with moustache label would be something like "Generic Creepy White guy." (Think David Spade.) I can grow some lip fuzz, but it's pretty thin and very light. That's why, if I need to sport one, I just do the old finger moustache. You look super cool, and build your arm muscles up since you have to hold that position for hours (even days!) on end.)

Oh, if you'd like to see the pictures in the animated gif one by one, you can see them here. You can actually break down any gif that way, if you'd like. (Free tips, folks! GOD DAMN, I'M GENEROUS AND AWESOME!)

So, who has worse fans, Philly or New York?

The behavior of the Philly and New York fans during the playoffs has been hashed, and re-hashed, and then hashed and re-hashed some more already, so I won't go there. Instead, I'll just post these two animated gifs that I put together so they can live in infamy and be used to mock either fan base whenever the opportunity arises. (Plus, I'm lazy, and don't have the time to write out a full blog post. Come on, man, I just got done walking from the vending machine back to my desk. I'm wiped out here.)

The first is this wonderfully wonderful Philly fan responding to a Reds player after the player had the gall to glance at the home plate umpire after a third strike call. He's clearly explaining to the player that his concerns are unwarranted as the umpire's performance is exemplary. Or, he's only past an infant level, mentally, and can still only exude his feelings through monosyllabic words and pantomimes. The first time a Philles fan has the balls to pipe up about anything not going their way, feel free to whip this gif across their face.

And the second comes to us from this Yankees fan who is performing, to the letter, the dictionary definition of the phrase"douche bag." I am so impressed with his respectful attitude and his vocabulary rich rebuttal to the Rangers outfielder's concerns that he interfered with the outfielder's ability to make the play. Then again, he may have a condition where he can only make wild gestures and mumble... I'm no doctor. Feel free to send this gif to a Yankee fan the next time they feel the need to disagree with, well, anything. To repeat a line from one of my tweets last night, "Dear Yankee fans, this is why people hate you."

So, bang up job you're doing, fellas. Keep up the good work spoiling a whole damn bunch. I would hate to not have anyone living down to our low expectations of you.

Phair Weather Phillie Phans

Look... a lot has been written about last night's debacle of an attendance situation (here, here, here, here), but there's one thing in particular that pisses me off. What is it? Shocker, it's the Phillies fans themselves. And I'm not talking about how bad they smell, how bad the behave, how poorly they treat others, or how little respect they display. Nope, I'm talking about how GOD DAMN FAIR WEATHERED those bastards are. It's real funny... you chant "this is our house" last night at Nats Park, when you couldn't have been bothered to support your team just a few years ago. A quick breakdown of the Phillies home and away attendance.

2010 Home - 45,027 (2nd in MLB). Road - 32,422 (4th in MLB)
2009 Home - 44,453 (3rd) Road - 30,760 (13th)
2008 Home - 42,254 (5th) Road - 33,214 (13th)
2007 Home - 38,374 (8th) Road - 32,836 (15th)
2006 Home - 34,200 (11th) Road - 30,596 (18th)
2005 Home - 33,316 (13th) Road - 29,284 (22nd)

Now, what you see is a worse home and away average the farther we go back. Did I mention that the Phillies made the playoffs in from 2007 - 2010? What else happened in 07-10? Their wining percentage went up each year. Hmm.. interesting... more folks attend Phillies game both away, and in Philly, as their record got better. Just for the heck of it, let's check out the Phillies attendance for their last losing record season. They ended the 2002 season at 80-81 (which ain't exactly stinking up the joint). Attendance?

2002 Home - 20,208 (24th in MLB).

Really, Philly fans? Really? Your city can't average more than 20,208 folks a game when you finish 80-81?

So, I wondered how that does in relation to the Nats, with their record being quite a bit worse. Well, so far for 2010, with their record at 67-90, the Nats are still averaging 22,645 folks. Yup, that's more than your city did in 2002 when you finished with 13 more wins. What's that, Philly fans? "But you guys have that new stadium"? Okay, let's go back to the last year in RFK (not the greatest stadium in the world to see a baseball game): 2007. When the Nats finished at 73-89. Still 7 games worse than your Phillies finished in 2002 when you managed to average 20,208 folks, good enough for 24th in MLB. How did the Nats fans measure up?

2007 Nats Home - 22,715 (24th)

Correct. In a shitty ass stadium, while watching some shitty ass baseball, DC still managed to clear more fans than you did even with your better winning percentage. So chant "this is our house" all you want. At least we know that a lot of you were nowhere to be seen when your team was playing break even baseball. Mental note made... When the Phillies are playing .600 ball, though, those fans sure do make it out to the park in droves. Good to know your priorities are where they are - with winning teams only. You're doing a bang up job of defining "front runners" fellas!