Coffey shakes and Espi obliterates.

So, yeah, not sure what my obsession with animated gifs lately has been about, but I'm throwing a couple more in this post, too, along with two videos. I'm hiding them behind a page bump, though, cause I'm cool like that I just figured out how to do it.
The first video is something I posted on Twitter, but thought I'd share with you, the non-Twittering folks. It's of our plump and cardio-rich reliever, Todd Coffey. He came into Monday night's game with two runners on, and two outs. He ended up getting a pretty big strike out, and definitely seemed happy about it. See this SUPER PROFESSIONAL video to learn more about his happiness. (Video was filmed off the TV with my camera. Yup, I'm ghetto like that. I also appear to have the early stages of Parkinson's Disease... or maybe I was just really, really nervous getting the images of Todd Fuckin' Coffey on video...)

I made a couple animated gifs from that video, and they're at the end of this post. (If you're reading from the front page, be sure to click "read more" at the bottom.)
Next up is a quick clip from last night's game, and it is (again) about the absolute cannon that is attached to Danny Espinosa's right shoulder. While he doesn't throw the guy out, he makes it way closer than it had any business being. And, yes, I had to film this off the TV as well. If you go to MLB videos, they only show the NY feed, which didn't want to frighten Mets fans with the fact that they have to go up against this arm so many times in the future doesn't show the throw.

Sure do wish that arm of his was around in the days of Vietnam... Could'a used that artillery piece to help John Rambo and Colonel James Braddock free some of our boys a little earlier.
Also (hey, I'm getting serious for a second, so pipe down, dammit), I'm getting a little frustrated with Ian Desmond at shortstop. I love the guy, and his bat would play well for a second baseman. I also think that the shorter throw, and the longer time he can hold the ball would decrease his errors drastically. Now, the only question I have is if his psyche can handle it. He's been touted since way back when Jimmy Bowden compared him to Derek Jeter, and the superlatives didn't stop on his continued rise to the Majors. Could he handle a shift to second? They say he's a clubhouse leader, and that he is mentally strong, but I fear having him needing to be traded. Who would play second, then? Prospect wise, Lombardozzi, Hague, and Kobernus are still unknowns. And, lest we forget, the great Pete Orr ain't walking through that door any time again.
Okay, animated gifs of the Coffey Shuffle? If you said, "Yes, please!" than you're in luck. If you said, "Nope." then... what the hell are you doing at my blog? I don't exactly cater to anything more than photoshops, crappy videos, gifs, and shitty writing. Now then... ON WITH THE JIGGLING!

Happy Birthday, Espi!

Well, today is Danny Espinosa's birthday. Since I had to work today, I actually took Danny out to celebrate yesterday, after his game. We managed to squeeze in some mini-hoops, skee-ball, Dance Dance Revolution, and some quality time in the ball pit before we had to leave in order to get Danny back before curfew. Here's a picture of Danny having a blast.

Many thanks to the folks over at Chuck-E-Cheese's for the extra tokens. Oh, and thanks for that big ass yellow cake. That was some yummy shit.

Hope you had as good of a time as I did, Danny! Now, please go about hitting the three home runs you promised me you would today. (Even if you were a bit surly towards me when you promised me you'd do it. In fact, a small part of me still feels like you only said it so that I would untie your bound hands and feet.)

So, um... THAT happened.

Well, if there's one good thing we can take away from yesterday's loss in the night cap of the double header, it's Jerry Hairston Jr's incredibl... you know what? Just watch:

I think the words I'm looking for are "HOLY" and "SHIT." Scott Jerry tried to call time, but was denied by the home plate umpire. So, what's he do? Stroke a single to center. (You can read more about it over on Kilgore's blog.)

After a hit like that, you know what you get to do? TAP DA POOHOLES BELLY!!

That is the only instance in which you can ever touch teh Pujols and not get punched in the face. It's, like... baseball law.

Milwaukee Brewers? More like Milwaukee Suck At Baseballers.

Ah, that was nice, wasn't it? The best part of the entire weekend? On Friday night, when Brewers starter Chris Narveson walked two with the bases loaded. He even walked Gorzelanny on four straight pitches. At the time, I tweeted, "When did the Brewers sign Garrett Mock?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, Brewers!!1! Your dude pitches like Garrett Mock!! I also enjoyed it immensely when Narveson threw ball four to Gorzelanny, and Wil the Thril was all, "Good pitch. Wait... WHAT!?"

So, what was the worst part about the weekend? Realizing that Garrett Mock is STILL IN THE FUCKING ORGANIZATION. Look at this line from Friday night's boxscore:


This is normally where I'd write something snarky about his performance. But, seriously... there are no words. I really cannot understand why he's taking up a roster spot. Do they think he'll just figure it out? I mean, that has to be it, right? He can't have a mechanical flaw that could be fixed, and you know why? A quick look at his B-Ref bio shows that he has played for 11 different teams in two organizations, Arizona and here. Now, if you have 11 different coaching staffs see you in your eight pro seasons, wouldn't you think that ONE person on those 11 coaching staffs could spot the mechanical issue? And who knows how many pitching coaches actually have seen him between those 11 teams and all his spring trainings. His BB/9IP rate of 1.7 in 2005 while playing in high A ball for the Diamondbacks is by far his best. Maybe we need to hunt down the coach of that 2005 Lancaster JetHawks squad and see if he can work with Mock. I mean, shit, ain't nothing else working.
(Okay, I need to move on before I convince myself to drive to Syracuse and pull Garrett's arm from his body. Apparently that might be the only way to get him out of the org.)
On game one of yesterday's double header, Jason Marquis did his best to make up for the big pile of poop that was his 2010 season, and the$7.5MM that he was given for that year, by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs. A nice attempt really, but short of him running over Chase Utley with his car, not much he does will ever let him off the hook for last year's 0 IP 7 run game debacle. That was one year ago today exactly, and the wound has not come close to healing. If Jason wants to make an attempt at winning me back, he can start by getting Danny Espinosa to lay his magical hands upon my daughter, thus gracing upon her the awesomeness that is Daniel. Oh, and get him to ride bikes with me on an off day. I'll buy one of those two seater bicycles, and we can just cruise around together. Him laughing at my cool jokes, and me tussling his hair while sharing an ice-cream sundae from the local Maggie Moos. No, wait... I bet he like the Peanut Butter S'moo, just like me! Of course he does, how could I be so silly to doubt that.
In game two, Livo did his best to make up for what he did to the franchise, too. You see, back in 2006 Livo was traded by the Nats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Matty Chico and (wait for it.....) Garrett Mock. He feels so badly about it that he wakes up every morning with a yucky taste in his mouth. He has sworn to devote every day of the rest of his life to Nats fans, trying to amend that transaction. His seven inning, one run performance yesterday was proof of his dedication to eradicating all memories of a relation between himself and Garrett.
And finally, I was pretty shocked when I saw one of those MASN ads about Jim Riggleman's coaching philosophy. It was the one where he says, "you call it small ball, I call it smart ball." Imagine my surprise when they showed a clip of him putting on the hit-and-run with a very struggling Michael Morse at the plate, and a very slow running Wilson Ramos at first base from last Thursday's game. (Did I mention that Ramos is slow, and that Morse was in a humongous rut at the time?) Anywhoo, Jimmy Riggles put the wheels in motion. Morse struck out, and Ramos was caught stealing by a mile. How did Riggles feel after the play?

Fuckers. Yup, aggressive base-running is fantastic when it works out, but it can make me want to go to Nats Park and leave a note on Jim's car that reads, "So sorry about hitting your car. Unfortunately, I'm broke, and can't help you pay for the repairs" when it doesn't work. (See, cause there wouldn't really be any damage to Jim's car, but he'll be all, "Darnit!" and will look all over his car for the "damage." But there is none! Tee hee! That'll learn 'em to try to play small ball with a guy at the plate hitting .133.)

Zim be broken. Again.

Welp, like I thought... Zim was officially placed on the 15 day DL. Le sigh... They list his injury as a strained abdominal muscle, and said he strained it sliding into second base head first. (Side note: A lot of emphasis has been placed on trying to get guys to go into the bases feet first over head first. All I know is... If I went feet first into second base that time with Katie McDermitt, she'd be pretty pissed.) Now, I don't remember the game all that well, so I'm cuing it up right now. I'm just gonna fast forward to all of his plays... Okay, here comes an at bat. I see him setting up to swing, and .... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

Yup, looks to me like he just SPLIT THE FUCK IN HALF at the plate. Looks like Zimmy's gonna miss more than just 3-4 weeks.

Someone get Dr. Leo Spaceman on the phone STAT. This seems to be something right up his alley.