Dear Bob Carpenter... It's been a while since I've felt the need to call you out on something you did. Sure, I've wanted to, but didn't think I had to. But during last night's 2-1 win over the smelly Mets (and their smelly fans) you really ground my gears.
It was the bottom of the fifth inning and Ian Desmond was up. I was on the couch at the time, but didn't have my eyeballs actually pointed at the TV. I think I was making stupid goo-goo sounds at my totally awesome baby (They're just like real people, only smaller!!) ... or maybe I was solving some world renowned "unbeatable" math equation... I forget. Anyway, I'm in the middle of carrying the two to the fifth power or some shit when I hear Bob get all excited like. I hear the familiar call of his:
"See. You. Later."
"Weeeeee!" I thought to myself. "I love me some Ian Desmond." (I was also thinking, "I hope he would one day like to meet me and shake my hand cause I'm awesome, and my hands feel like silk.") And then... BOOM... right there in the middle of my day dream (the part where Ian is complimenting me on my fine choice of lunch meat (honey ham) and asking me if I would like to try on his puffy jacket (its interior is lined with the feathers of a Pegasus)) Bob blurts out (wait for it...)
"My bad. The ball is still in play."
I shit you not, folks. He actually said that! Look, here's the clip.
Can you fucking believe it? I mean... the only thing the dude has to do it call what he actually fucking sees as it actually fucking happens. His job does not require him to see into the fucking future, or to take random goddamn guesses as what's about to occur. But, what does he do? That's right... he calls the play early, and destroys my bromance with Ian.
Now, skip to bottom of the ninth. The score is tied 1-1, and Ryan Zimmerman is up with the bases loaded and one out. The pitch comes in, Ryan swings, and guess what the fuck Bob says*!!
Argh!! Can you believe it? What a MAROON!
*Is not actually what Bob said. In reality he said... well, I don't remember what exactly he said, but I bet it was something stupid. Like... "Don't forget to buy your official Bob Carpenter score book." Goddamn shill. That guy takes, like, every opportunity he gets to try and force some crappy product on us. I don't care what