Holy Jesus. Not again. Ugh.

Well, one year and 17 days from the last Tommy John post I wrote, here I am writing another. Last year's was about Jordan Zimmermann. This one? Stephen Strasburg. Just like last year, I'm pretty sad right now and don't feel much like writing. So, if you excuse me, I'll just let my pets do the talking. They all let out little sighs after I just broke the news to them. Little teeny tiny heart breaking sighs. Damn you, elbows. DAMN YOU TO HELL!!


Is there a possible silver lining? Not really. We know the kid has a great work ethic, so he might be able to be competitively throwing in under 12 months like ZNN did. But, no one's really sure if he'll come back and be as effective as he was that magical night back in June. And, like DC Yetti said, we'll be able to thin the herd and find out who the true Nats fans are with this as the rats will be jumping ship. (I'm aware that all of you are true fans, though. No one would put up with my shitty writing and photoshops otherwise. GROUP HUG!)
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to handle this situation the same way I do all my bad situations. With my alcoholic cat. Go ahead and get started without me, Frankie. Just be sure to leave some for me. I'mma need it.

Well, Jason... It's up to you.

When Jason Marquis scribbled his signature on that 2 year/$15MM contract in the off season I had no idea what he was actually doing. You see, I thought he was intending to provide the Nationals with his (more or less average) pitching skills. The best of those skills being his ability to go out every 5th day and give his team a start. After all, he had averaged 192 innings pitched per season and even finished tied for 4th in the NL last year.
Well... how can I put this nicely... the only way this season could have gone any better for Jason, and the Nats (and us fans) would've been if his fucking arm fell off while signing the contract. That would've saved us (ALL) a shit ton of tears.
A glance at his game logs for this year brings me to my knees, crying, "Why, Rizzo... WHY!!!??" (I am then reminded of Mike Rizzo's fetish - Sinkerballers - and it becomes a little clearer.) It's also no surprise that I might have more hatred towards Jason than others since I actually had to sit through his two first home starts. (Fuck it. Let's call them what they were, really, which was "starts.") I had to sit there as Phillie fans vomited on little girls all around me screaming and taunting on April 7th, while lil' Jason sauntered out and threw 4 innings of brutal baseball. 8 hits, 3 walks, and and one hit batter later he's leaving the game with the Nats down 3. Thanks for that, Jason.
So, things had to get better his next start, right? I mean.. come on! What are the odds he would have a worse game?

PITCHING... YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

To make matters worse about that game it happened to be about -26 degrees with the windchill. Worst. Inning. Ever.

So, fast forward to today. Why today? Well... it's because Jason is starting today. Against the Phillies. And Chase Utley is off the DL. And playing. Do you see where I'm going here?

My hatred for all things Chase Utley has been documented before. I even put a bounty out on him. (And wouldn't you? Look at that smug mother fucker, fake dirt on his uniform, casually crossed legs... GAH GAVIN SMASH!!!!11!!!!!!!!!)


So... where the hell am I? Oh yeah, the point of this post (which I swear was only going to be one paragraph. I apologize for my blabbering).

Jason... in order to make it up to the Nats, and all us fans (especially those of us that had to sit through your shit), I've got three words for you: "Sweep the leg." And by which I really mean "Break other hand."

Get him a body bag! Yeah!

You do that for me, my friend, and I might just think about letting you in on my monthly poker games. Maybe the Christmas card list, too. (Baby steps, pal. Baby steps.)

Bryce Harper's secret weapon.

Oh, boy. We all knew Bryce Harper (the number one overall pick by the Washington Nationals this year) was angling for a huge signing. I mean, he did some extraordinary things to be eligible for this draft - He took his GED after his sophomore year in High School and enrolled in Junior College - thus moving up his eligibility. And to add to that, with the deadline approaching to sign Bryce or lose him back to the draft pool looming (8/16 at midnight), Bryce has gone and enrolled in classes again for this coming semester.
I chalked that up to posturing, and had good feelings that the Nationals would sign him, and I still believe they will call his bluff and get it done. I'm just not sure, anymore, that it won't be for an astronomical sum of cash. You see... Miss Chatter's Twitter feed led me to a Bryce Harper signed ball this morning. I Googled for other Bryce signed balls, and sure enough, he signs them all the same way:



A quick search for Luke 1:37 brings up the following quote:

"For nothing is impossible with God."

Oh. I see. Weird, I didn't know he was religious. How did I miss this? I mean, I even searched through some pictures of him and didn't see any signs. OR DID I??? I took a closer look at this picture, and found something weird (I've added an arrow to point your eyeballs in the right direction:


Hmmm... I had the CSI lab zoom and enhance the picture and the results are in:



Dammit. If that Luke 1:37 quote is true, the Nats are over a barrel. .

Collin Balester signs a contract with Hasbro

Last night Collin drilled Mark Reynolds in the head with a mid 90s fastball. (You can watch the clip here, if you like. Go ahead. He was fine.) He did the same thing to Rickie Weeks of the Brewers back on the 25th of last month, too. (Only MLB doesn't have that available for viewing. I'm not the one slacking this time.)
So, that's 2 hit batsmen in 4.2 IP for Collin. How does this compare with his past? Well, let me fond out for you. I only went back to 2007, though, because I'm short on time lazy as shit:

2007 - Minor Leagues: 1 hit batsman every 18.75 IP
2008 - AAA 1 every 19.55 IP. Majors - 1 every 13.333
2009 - AAA 1 every 17.85 IP. Majors - None hit in 30.1 IP (way to go, Colin!)
2010 - AAA 1 every 17.333 IP. Majors - 1 every 2.1 IP

Now, what does this mean (besides the fact that me do good math)? Well, it means that... na, I'm just fucking with ya. I have absolutely no idea what it means. Except that he's never been as bad hitting guys as Carlos Marmol was last year. (MLB leading 1 HBP for every 6.166 IP. Jesus.)

So, that leaves us with two burning questions:

1. Why the sudden wildness?
2. Why the sudden penchant for nailing dudes in the noggin?
   

Now, I don't have the foggiest idea about number 1. Maybe he thinks he has to pitch inside more as a reliever. Maybe his fingers shrank in some bizarre accident, leaving him with less control. Ask Steve McCatty. But, the answer to number 2? Easy. I found out he signed a contract with Hasbro (c) to be in a line of action figures. They're due to hit the shelves in September, but I managed to get some spy shots with my connections.





Really, Bally? You're posing for a line of comic book toys? I mean, how on earth is that gonna get you any chicks? What's that? Some chicks dig comics?

Well played, Balester. Well played indeed.