Sorry, Espi and.... ONE HUNDRED!?!

Okay. First, I have a confession to make. I changed my computer's wallpaper to this on Monday.

Well, since then Danny Espinosa's gone 0 for 13 with 4 strikeouts and no RBI. So, to get Espi back on track (and to pay homage to that absoloute shit show of a performance by Sean Burnett in the 9th inning last night) I'm going back to the old wallpaper.

 

Excellent. I feel a gazillion times better now. I really don't want to talk too much about last night's game, mostly because I think Drew should have been out to start the 9th inning... but I will say this. I have a hunch... a very large hunch... That Drew was steaming in the pen about not getting his name called. The steam continued to boil as he saw Burnett blow up. He gets his name called, and what does he do?

He just strikes out David Wright to end the shamockery. Oh, yeah, he also hit 100 MPH according to the MASN gun. The radio guys said he hit 100 on two separate guns, as well (hat tip to Pam Storen for that, btw).

Did he really throw that hard? Meh, who really cares. The point is this:

Drew is the kind of guy that wants that ball in the pressure situation, and he can ramp his stuff up to meet, or exceed the needs of that situation. You need a heater, located up in the zone, with some extra cheese on that? Done.

Coffey shakes and Espi obliterates.

So, yeah, not sure what my obsession with animated gifs lately has been about, but I'm throwing a couple more in this post, too, along with two videos. I'm hiding them behind a page bump, though, cause I'm cool like that I just figured out how to do it.
The first video is something I posted on Twitter, but thought I'd share with you, the non-Twittering folks. It's of our plump and cardio-rich reliever, Todd Coffey. He came into Monday night's game with two runners on, and two outs. He ended up getting a pretty big strike out, and definitely seemed happy about it. See this SUPER PROFESSIONAL video to learn more about his happiness. (Video was filmed off the TV with my camera. Yup, I'm ghetto like that. I also appear to have the early stages of Parkinson's Disease... or maybe I was just really, really nervous getting the images of Todd Fuckin' Coffey on video...)

I made a couple animated gifs from that video, and they're at the end of this post. (If you're reading from the front page, be sure to click "read more" at the bottom.)
Next up is a quick clip from last night's game, and it is (again) about the absolute cannon that is attached to Danny Espinosa's right shoulder. While he doesn't throw the guy out, he makes it way closer than it had any business being. And, yes, I had to film this off the TV as well. If you go to MLB videos, they only show the NY feed, which didn't want to frighten Mets fans with the fact that they have to go up against this arm so many times in the future doesn't show the throw.

Sure do wish that arm of his was around in the days of Vietnam... Could'a used that artillery piece to help John Rambo and Colonel James Braddock free some of our boys a little earlier.
Also (hey, I'm getting serious for a second, so pipe down, dammit), I'm getting a little frustrated with Ian Desmond at shortstop. I love the guy, and his bat would play well for a second baseman. I also think that the shorter throw, and the longer time he can hold the ball would decrease his errors drastically. Now, the only question I have is if his psyche can handle it. He's been touted since way back when Jimmy Bowden compared him to Derek Jeter, and the superlatives didn't stop on his continued rise to the Majors. Could he handle a shift to second? They say he's a clubhouse leader, and that he is mentally strong, but I fear having him needing to be traded. Who would play second, then? Prospect wise, Lombardozzi, Hague, and Kobernus are still unknowns. And, lest we forget, the great Pete Orr ain't walking through that door any time again.
Okay, animated gifs of the Coffey Shuffle? If you said, "Yes, please!" than you're in luck. If you said, "Nope." then... what the hell are you doing at my blog? I don't exactly cater to anything more than photoshops, crappy videos, gifs, and shitty writing. Now then... ON WITH THE JIGGLING!

Happy Birthday, Espi!

Well, today is Danny Espinosa's birthday. Since I had to work today, I actually took Danny out to celebrate yesterday, after his game. We managed to squeeze in some mini-hoops, skee-ball, Dance Dance Revolution, and some quality time in the ball pit before we had to leave in order to get Danny back before curfew. Here's a picture of Danny having a blast.

Many thanks to the folks over at Chuck-E-Cheese's for the extra tokens. Oh, and thanks for that big ass yellow cake. That was some yummy shit.

Hope you had as good of a time as I did, Danny! Now, please go about hitting the three home runs you promised me you would today. (Even if you were a bit surly towards me when you promised me you'd do it. In fact, a small part of me still feels like you only said it so that I would untie your bound hands and feet.)

So, um... THAT happened.

Well, if there's one good thing we can take away from yesterday's loss in the night cap of the double header, it's Jerry Hairston Jr's incredibl... you know what? Just watch:

I think the words I'm looking for are "HOLY" and "SHIT." Scott Jerry tried to call time, but was denied by the home plate umpire. So, what's he do? Stroke a single to center. (You can read more about it over on Kilgore's blog.)

After a hit like that, you know what you get to do? TAP DA POOHOLES BELLY!!

That is the only instance in which you can ever touch teh Pujols and not get punched in the face. It's, like... baseball law.

Milwaukee Brewers? More like Milwaukee Suck At Baseballers.

Ah, that was nice, wasn't it? The best part of the entire weekend? On Friday night, when Brewers starter Chris Narveson walked two with the bases loaded. He even walked Gorzelanny on four straight pitches. At the time, I tweeted, "When did the Brewers sign Garrett Mock?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, Brewers!!1! Your dude pitches like Garrett Mock!! I also enjoyed it immensely when Narveson threw ball four to Gorzelanny, and Wil the Thril was all, "Good pitch. Wait... WHAT!?"

So, what was the worst part about the weekend? Realizing that Garrett Mock is STILL IN THE FUCKING ORGANIZATION. Look at this line from Friday night's boxscore:


This is normally where I'd write something snarky about his performance. But, seriously... there are no words. I really cannot understand why he's taking up a roster spot. Do they think he'll just figure it out? I mean, that has to be it, right? He can't have a mechanical flaw that could be fixed, and you know why? A quick look at his B-Ref bio shows that he has played for 11 different teams in two organizations, Arizona and here. Now, if you have 11 different coaching staffs see you in your eight pro seasons, wouldn't you think that ONE person on those 11 coaching staffs could spot the mechanical issue? And who knows how many pitching coaches actually have seen him between those 11 teams and all his spring trainings. His BB/9IP rate of 1.7 in 2005 while playing in high A ball for the Diamondbacks is by far his best. Maybe we need to hunt down the coach of that 2005 Lancaster JetHawks squad and see if he can work with Mock. I mean, shit, ain't nothing else working.
(Okay, I need to move on before I convince myself to drive to Syracuse and pull Garrett's arm from his body. Apparently that might be the only way to get him out of the org.)
On game one of yesterday's double header, Jason Marquis did his best to make up for the big pile of poop that was his 2010 season, and the$7.5MM that he was given for that year, by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs. A nice attempt really, but short of him running over Chase Utley with his car, not much he does will ever let him off the hook for last year's 0 IP 7 run game debacle. That was one year ago today exactly, and the wound has not come close to healing. If Jason wants to make an attempt at winning me back, he can start by getting Danny Espinosa to lay his magical hands upon my daughter, thus gracing upon her the awesomeness that is Daniel. Oh, and get him to ride bikes with me on an off day. I'll buy one of those two seater bicycles, and we can just cruise around together. Him laughing at my cool jokes, and me tussling his hair while sharing an ice-cream sundae from the local Maggie Moos. No, wait... I bet he like the Peanut Butter S'moo, just like me! Of course he does, how could I be so silly to doubt that.
In game two, Livo did his best to make up for what he did to the franchise, too. You see, back in 2006 Livo was traded by the Nats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Matty Chico and (wait for it.....) Garrett Mock. He feels so badly about it that he wakes up every morning with a yucky taste in his mouth. He has sworn to devote every day of the rest of his life to Nats fans, trying to amend that transaction. His seven inning, one run performance yesterday was proof of his dedication to eradicating all memories of a relation between himself and Garrett.
And finally, I was pretty shocked when I saw one of those MASN ads about Jim Riggleman's coaching philosophy. It was the one where he says, "you call it small ball, I call it smart ball." Imagine my surprise when they showed a clip of him putting on the hit-and-run with a very struggling Michael Morse at the plate, and a very slow running Wilson Ramos at first base from last Thursday's game. (Did I mention that Ramos is slow, and that Morse was in a humongous rut at the time?) Anywhoo, Jimmy Riggles put the wheels in motion. Morse struck out, and Ramos was caught stealing by a mile. How did Riggles feel after the play?

Fuckers. Yup, aggressive base-running is fantastic when it works out, but it can make me want to go to Nats Park and leave a note on Jim's car that reads, "So sorry about hitting your car. Unfortunately, I'm broke, and can't help you pay for the repairs" when it doesn't work. (See, cause there wouldn't really be any damage to Jim's car, but he'll be all, "Darnit!" and will look all over his car for the "damage." But there is none! Tee hee! That'll learn 'em to try to play small ball with a guy at the plate hitting .133.)

Zim be broken. Again.

Welp, like I thought... Zim was officially placed on the 15 day DL. Le sigh... They list his injury as a strained abdominal muscle, and said he strained it sliding into second base head first. (Side note: A lot of emphasis has been placed on trying to get guys to go into the bases feet first over head first. All I know is... If I went feet first into second base that time with Katie McDermitt, she'd be pretty pissed.) Now, I don't remember the game all that well, so I'm cuing it up right now. I'm just gonna fast forward to all of his plays... Okay, here comes an at bat. I see him setting up to swing, and .... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

Yup, looks to me like he just SPLIT THE FUCK IN HALF at the plate. Looks like Zimmy's gonna miss more than just 3-4 weeks.

Someone get Dr. Leo Spaceman on the phone STAT. This seems to be something right up his alley.

The season started? CRAP!

I happened across this email in my inbox over the weekend:

Hey idiot. Did you know the Nats have played 8 games already? Where's your postings?

Ah, it's awesome to know that people care about me. Even if it's someone with a tad worse grammar than me. (Or is it than I? SHIT!) Anyway, kudos to you, fine reader. It is with your email's boot to my ass that I finally write about the start of the Nats season.

Where to begin, though? Well... how about the fact that there is no natural lead-off hitter on the squad, and that outfielders aged 31, 32, and FORTY-FUCKING-THREE beat out Roger Bernadina for a roster spot? Poor Bernie. Now he's shoulder to shoulder with the rebels at Echo Base on Hoth. (I want everyone to know that I had to Wikipedia "Hoth"for the name of the rebel base at which they are fighting in the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. I'm a dork, yes, but not THAT big of a dork. No offense to you dorks that did know that, though. Heck, you're probably much richer than me due to your mint condition, still in original packaging Star Wars figures. Well played.) Poor kid. He seems to be doing a good job staying out of the line of fire, though. He sent me a postcard that arrived Saturday, actually. He looks to be alive, and... well... rather lightly clothed for A SNOW AND ICE PLANET Syracuse.

So, yeah... it would have been nice for Mike Rizzo to have a backup plan before dumping Nyjer Morgan. I'm hoping that Ankiel plays well enough to garner some trade attention, and gets dealt while either Bernie or Corey Brown come up by mid-season. Those of you with your lips close to Mike Rizzo's ear, let him know my thoughts won't ya? Thanks!

But, for now, we're stuck with Rick Ankiel playing CF. He's not that bad, but he's not that good, either. And dude is waaaaaaay too nice. See, he had a double robbed from him by a diving catch by Chris Coughlan Couglan Coghlan earlier in the week, saw the picture of it in the paper down there:

And actually sent him a nice little note the next day. I imagine he wanted to write something like, "Lot's of love! Good catch, dude! Smooches! Love, Ank" on it, but was bullied by known meanie Ryan Zimmerman into writing, "Thanks, buddy. Nice Hollywood dive, Love, Ank." You know what would have happened in 2009 if Coughlan Couglan Coghlan had robbed one of our outfielders like that? He would've had this in his locker the next day:

(Hey-Oh! See what I did there? I referenced a player that's been gone since March, 2010, and an incident that happened in 2007. I'm so God damned timely!)

Speaking of Zim, the poor dude hurt his tummy sliding the other day, and is going to be out for a few days. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Jokes on us, folks. This team has a history of broken people (see those tags on the right side of this page? You don't? Well, while I agree that my page layout appears to have been done by a six-year-old, I assure you, tags are there. Oh, you found it... good. See what the most often used tag is? It's "broken people." What? It's not? "Suicide" is the top one? Well, where is "broken people?" Oh, second? Very well. I stand corrected.) and I'd be shocked if Zim didn't end up on the 15 day DL.

So, those are the glaring bad things that I'm staring at. Michael Morse? Meh, I think he'll rebound. The bullpen outside of Clippard, Storen, and Burnett? Okay, that's bad, but it looks like Henry Rodriguez is on the way back, and hopefully Bally Star will be brought up, as well. But you know what the absolute WORST thing about our bullpen is? I can't walk down the stairs on weekend mornings, give a big stretch and a yawn, and say, "Boy, I need to get some coffee in me, stat!" anymore. Screw you, chubby reliever dude with a name that sounds like, but is not spelled like "coffee," thereby making my wife snicker because it sounds like I want to have sex with you.

Good things so far? ZNN, the three bullpen fellas listed above, Wilson Ramos' RHINOness, Danny Espinosa's awesomeness, Desmond's starting to hitness, and Charlie Sheen. Without all off them, I'd be drinking drain cleaner. But, thanks to them, we are in a tie for third in the NL East, and my kid not only has shoes on her feet, but socks to wear under said shoes. (Socks - they're like lube for shoes, you know!)


Now, may the good things continue to be good, and the bad things disappear like Chuck Sheen. Or like Chase Utley's knee. Or like Lastings Milledge's spot on the 25 man roster. Or like Philly fans' desire to not shower, not wash their clothes, and curse, assault, vomit upon, and murder people. Shit, who are we kidding? We probably have a better chance of Laynce Nix hitting 65 HR than those stinky abusive troglodytes changing their ways. But anything is possible I suppose. I mean... Felipe Lopez is actually on a Major League roster. What's next? Austin Kearns wins an MVP?

(Unfortunately, I don't think any Nats fans are laughing at that last one. Our luck tends to trend towards the bad side. Kearnsie may just hit .355/.425/.750 this year. Sigh....)