So, injuries start early, eh?

Well, fuck us. Dukes' hammy is worse than originally thought. He was removed from last nights game because of tightness, and was put on the 15 day DL today. I'm not sure if there's any truth to the rumor that he threatened his hamstring in the clubhouse with a gun. Some reported hearing him say, "Listen, Hammy, you better straighten the fuck up, or you dead, dawg!"
Chad "The Human Coronary" Cordero is day to day with shoulder tendinitis. I call bullshit. I saw him throwing to Luis Ayala in the bullpen Saturday night, and he looked fine to me. Ok, so he was throwing a bundled up t-shirt, not a baseball. And it was from five feet away. Fuck that shit, though. So, Rauchie looks to be the closer in the mean time. Works for me.
Btw, Ayala blew me a kiss that night. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or scared.
So, we're stuck with Harris and Macoviwackiwack in LF. Shit on a stick. My only hope is that WMP comes of the DL early. But, who am I kidding? These are the Gnats.

Opening Night

What did we learn?

• Kearnsie eats other right fielders for breakfast. Seriously. The man is an unstoppable defensive force. You could drop a bear from a helicopter into right field, and Kearns would catch it, kill it with his eye lasers, and throw it to 2nd in time to nail Jose Reyes. It's true. In fact..hang on..I'm updating Kearnsie's Wikipedia page. Not some faggy Koala Bear, either. We're talking a 300 lb fucking Grizzly.
  
• LoDuca has two noodle arms. He couldn't throw out a dick samich trying to still 2nd with his limp right arm, and he can't catch a Rauchie fastball with his limp left arm. Please, please, go back on the 'roids, Paul. I'm begging you. I'll even hook you up with a local 19 year old.
  
• Da Meat Hook is psychic. He predicted somone would win the game before Austin would get a chance to hit. The new Diabetes medicine they have him on must be some crazy shit.
• Finally, there's Zim. This guy eats lighting and shits thunder. Forget Chuck Norris, Zim would anally abuse Chuck. Hell, I heard that one time his mom was trying to beat him with a wooden spoon when he was 7. Zim turned to his mom, said, "What the fuck, Woman?", grabbed the wooden spoon, and hit her 400 feet on a rope.