Friday, April 10, 2009

Shairon vs. Derek Lowe Tonight.

Which means I get to use the "wife beaters" tag again. Yay! I can also create the "home-wrecker" tag. Sweet.

My main man Shairon Martis, the Curacaoan Killer (Wait, does that sound like he kills people from Curacao? I mean the opposite. He kills people not from Curacao.) is going up against Derek Lowe. A man who is famous for being such a shitty starting pitcher that he was moved to the bullpen not once, but six times. Hell, he actually got punted from the bullpen in favor of Ugi Urbina, who is now serving 14 years in prison for trying to kill a couple dudes. (See what I did there? I equated Lowe to being worse than an attempted murderer. Did it work?)

Also of note for Mr. Lowe? He was arrested for beating on his woman in 1994. I read the transcript of him talking to the cops*, and not only did he admit to beating on her, he used the oldest, lamest excuse in the book. "But officer, dude, she just don't fucking listen!"

Anywhoo, Derek matured a bit, got married, had kids, and then got a chick fired from her job and divorced by her husband cause he played hide the pickle. See, she was a reporter covering the Dodgers, and he was a married dude with two (or three, I'm not known for my fact checking) kids. He thought she looked "neat-o" and was "super hot". They did the deed. FOX fired the reporter, and the reporter's husband filed for divorce. But...this was true love, see, so Derek promised he'd leave his wife for her, just like in all those Lifetime movies. The main difference from them and a Lifetime movie, though? He actually did it. Derek and the reporter (Carolyn Hughes) got married last year. Yay! Everyone wish them well, cause they sure as fuck are gonna need it.

I ran into Derek and his lovely bride** at the ballpark sometime back. I even took this picture, as some groupies were professing their love to D Lowe.

So, in case you needed any more incentive to root for our boy Shy Young, just remember that Derek Lowe did all the above, and kills kittens, too.

* Is a complete lie, but I'm positive that's what's in the transcript.
** I have no clue whether this is wife number one or wife number two. Does it even matter though?

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