Monday, April 11, 2011

The season started? CRAP!

I happened across this email in my inbox over the weekend:
Hey idiot. Did you know the Nats have played 8 games already? Where's your postings?

Ah, it's awesome to know that people care about me. Even if it's someone with a tad worse grammar than me. (Or is it than I? SHIT!) Anyway, kudos to you, fine reader. It is with your email's boot to my ass that I finally write about the start of the Nats season.

Where to begin, though? Well... how about the fact that there is no natural lead-off hitter on the squad, and that outfielders aged 31, 32, and FORTY-FUCKING-THREE beat out Roger Bernadina for a roster spot? Poor Bernie. Now he's shoulder to shoulder with the rebels at Echo Base on Hoth. (I want everyone to know that I had to Wikipedia "Hoth"for the name of the rebel base at which they are fighting in the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. I'm a dork, yes, but not THAT big of a dork. No offense to you dorks that did know that, though. Heck, you're probably much richer than me due to your mint condition, still in original packaging Star Wars figures. Well played.) Poor kid. He seems to be doing a good job staying out of the line of fire, though. He sent me a postcard that arrived Saturday, actually. He looks to be alive, and... well... rather lightly clothed for A SNOW AND ICE PLANET Syracuse.

So, yeah... it would have been nice for Mike Rizzo to have a backup plan before dumping Nyjer Morgan. I'm hoping that Ankiel plays well enough to garner some trade attention, and gets dealt while either Bernie or Corey Brown come up by mid-season. Those of you with your lips close to Mike Rizzo's ear, let him know my thoughts won't ya? Thanks!

But, for now, we're stuck with Rick Ankiel playing CF. He's not that bad, but he's not that good, either. And dude is waaaaaaay too nice. See, he had a double robbed from him by a diving catch by Chris Coughlan Couglan Coghlan earlier in the week, saw the picture of it in the paper down there:

And actually sent him a nice little note the next day. I imagine he wanted to write something like, "Lot's of love! Good catch, dude! Smooches! Love, Ank" on it, but was bullied by known meanie Ryan Zimmerman into writing, "Thanks, buddy. Nice Hollywood dive, Love, Ank." You know what would have happened in 2009 if Coughlan Couglan Coghlan had robbed one of our outfielders like that? He would've had this in his locker the next day:

(Hey-Oh! See what I did there? I referenced a player that's been gone since March, 2010, and an incident that happened in 2007. I'm so God damned timely!)

Speaking of Zim, the poor dude hurt his tummy sliding the other day, and is going to be out for a few days. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Jokes on us, folks. This team has a history of broken people (see those tags on the right side of this page? You don't? Well, while I agree that my page layout appears to have been done by a six-year-old, I assure you, tags are there. Oh, you found it... good. See what the most often used tag is? It's "broken people." What? It's not? "Suicide" is the top one? Well, where is "broken people?" Oh, second? Very well. I stand corrected.) and I'd be shocked if Zim didn't end up on the 15 day DL.

So, those are the glaring bad things that I'm staring at. Michael Morse? Meh, I think he'll rebound. The bullpen outside of Clippard, Storen, and Burnett? Okay, that's bad, but it looks like Henry Rodriguez is on the way back, and hopefully Bally Star will be brought up, as well. But you know what the absolute WORST thing about our bullpen is? I can't walk down the stairs on weekend mornings, give a big stretch and a yawn, and say, "Boy, I need to get some coffee in me, stat!" anymore. Screw you, chubby reliever dude with a name that sounds like, but is not spelled like "coffee," thereby making my wife snicker because it sounds like I want to have sex with you.

Good things so far? ZNN, the three bullpen fellas listed above, Wilson Ramos' RHINOness, Danny Espinosa's awesomeness, Desmond's starting to hitness, and Charlie Sheen. Without all off them, I'd be drinking drain cleaner. But, thanks to them, we are in a tie for third in the NL East, and my kid not only has shoes on her feet, but socks to wear under said shoes. (Socks - they're like lube for shoes, you know!)

Now, may the good things continue to be good, and the bad things disappear like Chuck Sheen. Or like Chase Utley's knee. Or like Lastings Milledge's spot on the 25 man roster. Or like Philly fans' desire to not shower, not wash their clothes, and curse, assault, vomit upon, and murder people. Shit, who are we kidding? We probably have a better chance of Laynce Nix hitting 65 HR than those stinky abusive troglodytes changing their ways. But anything is possible I suppose. I mean... Felipe Lopez is actually on a Major League roster. What's next? Austin Kearns wins an MVP?

(Unfortunately, I don't think any Nats fans are laughing at that last one. Our luck tends to trend towards the bad side. Kearnsie may just hit .355/.425/.750 this year. Sigh....)

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