Thursday, July 31, 2008

How sweet it is!

Peep this lineup, folks:
  • Harris - 7
  • Milledge - 8
  • Zimmerman - 5
  • Kearns - 9
  • Flores - 2
  • Casto - 3
  • Belliard - 4
  • Orr - 6
  • Lannan - 1
Who's missing? Yes, sir, have a seat Flop. Don't let the doorknob hit your wife's ass on the way out! LoDu, I may agree with your choice of women, but I don't agree with you at first base. Nice to see Casto getting a shot there. I mean...c'mon, he can't be any worse.
Also, my mom's in town so I'll be out at dinner with her and have to miss the Lannan/Flores battery that will be dominating the NL for years to come. Fuck. (I love you, mom!)

If this doesn't get done......

Snippet from Chico Harlan's chat with Jim Bowden yesterday.

Q: Speaking of pitching/progress, has any been made with (first-round pick) Aaron Crow in negotiations?


Q: Do you think you'll have him signed by the Aug. 15 deadline?

Don't know that.

We're working hard trying to sign all the guys that are unsigned.

"We're working hard" isn't good enough, Jimbo. I can't state that enough. If you didn't think you could sign the guy, don't fucking draft him. Are you trying to use the media as a leverage device? If so, let us know why he's not signed. Is he asking for the moon? You guys have not had a problem signing above slot before, how about now? What are you offering? Get us, the public, on your side, dude!

Again; Jimbo, you fuck this up, you dead dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. My hand to Jesus.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The young bucks

So, I've made an executive decision. No, you all have no input (feel free to mention how you feel in the comments, but be prepared to be ignored or vilified). I'll be drifting away from the Major League squad to start bringing to your attention some of the youngsters in the minors (or MiLB as some marketing executive being paid $350K/yr came up with. Get it? MLB...MiLB. Genius!). You've already seen it with the Emilio and Martis posts, and let's face it, who really wants to discuss the Nats? Oh, somebody does? Ok, here ya go; Losers of 7 straight, they have scored only 10 runs in all of those losses. Yes, that averages out to 1.43 runs/game. What's that? There must be some silver lining? Ok, ok...with the exception of Rental (Way to fuck up your trade value, right at the trade deadline, asshole!) the last starts for our starting pitchers have been downright good.
  • 7/24 Capt Redd 8.0 IP; 1 ER
  • 7/25 Johnny Lanns 7.0 IP; 3 ER
  • 7/26 Rental Perez 4.0 IP; 6 ER (I mean, ANY other start but this one would've been ok to explode. But your last one before the deadline?)
  • 7/27 Jason Bergie 6.0 IP; 2 ER
  • 7/29 Collin Balester 6.0 IP; 2 ER
That's encouraging, I suppose. But enough about them, we all know Bergs/Lannan/Balester will be anchoring the staff for a few more years now. But who else do we have stockpiled away in the minors I mean, MiLB?

How about 2007 1st round draft pick (6th overall) Ross Detwiler? He was a 21 year old lefthander when drafted out of Missouri St in 07. He has a fastball that can hit 95, a curve that sits around 80, and was working on a change-up. He was projected on some mock drafts to go as high as 4th. He was signed to good money, and placed on the 40 man roster, with a call up clause in his contract. He did, indeed, get called up in September, but only threw 1 inning. His 2007 stats were so-so (2-2 3.51 ERA from his appearances in the GCL and high A Potomac) at best, and they hoped he would have ended the year in AA Harrisburg before the call up, but a break out year was still expected from him in 08. Well, did it happen? Uh, no. Not so much. In 21 starts for Potomac, he is 6-7 with a 5.20 ERA. Worse, though, is his 1.63 WHIP and that he has struggled to get through 5 innings per start (he's at 4.6 IP/start). His pitch count has been high, and he's walked 47 batters in 97 IP, and has hit 6. There have been some box scores I look at and scream, "Can someone buy this kid a fucking GPS so he can find the plate?!" I'm hoping it does come together for the kid, and last night he had a promising outing. He got the win with 6 IP, 6 H, 1 ER, 6 SO, and only 1 BB. I hope he can string a couple more of these together, but don't expect a September call up this year, unless he throws a no-hitter. Or a perfect game. Or strikes out 25. Or has pictures that he could blackmail Bowden with.
Capt. Redd vs. Jamie Moyer tonight. If you like watching a 50 year old man lob balls across the plate at 60 mph, then you're in so much fucking luck, you should quit your job right now, cause you're gonna win this weeks powerball. Don't forget to call your boss a pig fucker, and pinch a couple secretary ass on the way out!

Monday, July 28, 2008


Great news from the weekend, as our newly acquired second baseman is tearing up AAA. In case you didn't hear, the Wookie, Jon Rauch, was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks for their #6 ranked prospect in their system, Mr. Emilio Jose Rosario Bonifacio, who will be known as either Emilioooooooooo, Boney, or Bonesy from here on out. I will let you, the commenters make the decision (which really means I'll be making the decision, because none of you ungrateful maggots comment anymore).
Anyway, he made his debut for the Nats on Thurday, playing for AAA Columbus. Do you wonder how he did since then? Well have no fear, because I, the founding member of the Bonesy Brigade, am here to let you know just that.

Thursday: 2/5; 1BB; 0SB; 1R (must of been the jet lag.)
Friday: 3/4; 1BB; 1SB; 1R (starting to come around.)
Saturday: 2/4; 2BB; 1SB; 4R (SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! This kid is dy-no-mite!)
Sunday: 3/4; 0BB; 1SB; 1R (Another display of awesomely awesomeness.)

So, Emiliooooooooo is hitting .625 with 4 walks and 3 SB, and has scored 7 runs in 4 games. That, as they say, is what I'm fucking talking about! See ya, Flop! Can't wait for the roster expansion to get this kid up to DC (maybe sooner if we can dump Flop at the trading deadline). The scout's all agree on one thing with Boney: He can flat out fly. "Blazing speed" was a description I saw more than once. If he can get on base as often as he has for us so far (.684 OBP!), he'll lead the league in SB and runs easily. Now, I went and hunted down a picture of the kid that would do him justice. Enjoy!

P.S. In case you didn't hear, the Nationals/Dodgers games were cancelled due to the Nats' bats failing to show up. I think they got lost in Louisville as they were being shipped to L.A. from Atlanta.

Friday, July 25, 2008

This line is phenomenal

Check out this bitching pitching line from Capt. Redd.

Yeah, take that, you San Fran bitches! Capt Redd shut you the fuck down!

What was that? Did I check out our hitting line? No, what for? Seriously? Fuck. Me.

Good to see the offense fall back to their regular ways. God damn, God DAMN!

I excluded the names to protect the players, but if you guessed Harris, Guzman, Zim, Kearns, Estrada, LoDu, Flop, Longerhands (1-8), you might be right. Way to give the pitcher some help, you limp swinging mother fuckers. Did any of you even think to try and work the count? I want Lenny Harris' head! How pathetic is this line? See the total hits? Four. Guess who got one of them? Capt. Redd. Jesus. F. Christ. Three hits from the position guys? Really?


Also, there has been a shit load of news lately with the Nats; Trades, non-tenders, releases, off DL transactions, etc. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to bring it to you, it's just that I have a lot of (day job) work to do. I mean, like, three days worth that I have to get done today. I'll leave you with the link to Chico Harlan's Washington Post blog. He'll take good care of you.

Last thing: The Nats are in Los Angeles for a three game set. My only question is: The Doctor, you going to all three? "No" is not an acceptable answer.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

How did I miss this??

Gentlemen (and ladies who like this stuff, and more power to you!), I give to you Felipe Lopez' wife.

Dude... how about you call it a career, Washington wise, and go home to her. Please. Or I'll send Chico Man.

Know him, love him, hug him naked.

Ladies and Genitalmen, allow me to introduce to you the cute kid from Curacao. The kid with killer cutters. The Netherlandian Nightmare himself, SHAIRON MARTIS!

The kid has been rolling through the Nats system ever since we hoodwinked the SF Giants into trading him to us for Mike Stanton.
(Pause for laughter)
I'll save you from having to read all his stats by posting this link to his baseball-reference.com page. I will, however, post some highlights.

He was born March 30, 1987 in Curacao, the very same Netherlands governed island that Andruw Jones and our own Roger Bernadina are from. That makes him a Dutch citizen, and 21 years old. He started last year in Potomac (high A ball) and posted a record of 14-8 with a 1.34 WHIP. He got the bump to AA Harrisburg this year, and after going 4-4 with a 3.98 ERA and 1.35 WHIP was promoted to AAA Columbus. Last night, he went 5 2/3 IP allowing 1 run on 5 hits to get the win. Oh, dude also struck out twelve motherfuckers. 12! Awww, yeah! Anyway, hopefully we'll see him get a cup of coffee come September, cause he's looking good to me.
Bonus Points: Did I mention that he threw a no-hitter in the World Baseball Classic in 2006? I didn't? Shame on me, 'cause he did!
Mr. Martis was selected to the All-Star Futures game in Yankee Stadium this year, and threw a perfect 9th inning against the US team to get the save.
Shairon also has his own web page, with his name as the domain name. How fucking cool is that? Visit www.shaironmartis.com for all kinds of goodness (well, not really) about the Curacao Killer. Warning about the site, however.... Who ever runs it has the record for most fucking pop up ads in the history of web pages. Expect you're pop-up blocker to fight a valiant fight, but some will eventually get through.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I'm beginning to see a pattern here

Hey, kids! Let me know if this sound familiar:
Nats OF Wily Mo Pena had successful surgery performed in Cincinnati this morning by Dr. Tim Kremchek. The Nats are saying that Pena will be out four to six months; he'll be ready for spring training. According to the release, Kremchek repaired a "significant" tear of Pena's rotator cuff, as well as the tear and fraying of his posterior labrum. (props to Chico.)

Now, I know dudes get injured playing this sport, but what THE fuck? First, we didn't even know WMP was injured, we just thought he sucked. Really bad. Then, he's got a shoulder issue. A minor one. Here's a little timeline showing the progression of Wily's "issue".To paraphrase Manny(7/11):
He's been battling a nagging left shoulder issue for a little bit. There's a chance he might have some tests done during the All-Star break.
Well, the MRI revealed a little bit of an injury, and they prescribed some rest, and he'll be back to hitting straight ball very far(7/14). So, he gets placed on the DL, and then the front office blows my fucking mind with the season ending surgery news above(7/22).
Now, all over the chat boards, the latest from the drooling masses is "Good riddance! Cut him! See you later, WMP! You Suck! Can we please cut bait on this guy?!"
Ignorant dick faces. Every single one of them. I may have been guilty in the past of calling him names (What was it..Weapons of Mass Penis eating?), and comparing him to Pedro Cerrano, but I never once called for his head. There's a $5MM option the team can pick up on him next year. I recommend they don't pick that up, but that's not because I don't want him on next year's squad. He has a player option of $2MM he can pick up that will put him on the roster next year (That is assuming no one offers him more than $2MM/yr...which no one from this planet will.), and I welcome him back with open arms. Why? Well, I do need someone to pick on, sure, but look at this stat... the number of at bats between home runs:

2002: 18
2003: 33
2004: 13
2005: 16
2006: 25
2007: 22
2008: 97

Which one of those numbers stick out like Austin Kearns at the Willie Harris family reunion? Exactly. This year's stats are outside his lifetime norm. He was taking an anti-inflammatory all year, and even took a cortisone shot, so that shoulder had to be fucking with him. Don't forget that dude will still only be 26 next year, either!

Okay, let's look to better things. We get Zim back tonight, and Milledge started rehab yesterday (hit a home run in his GCL appearance), so we're getting closer to some of the regulars getting back. I could enjoy an outfield of Harris/Milledge/Kearns for awhile. Now, let's go kick some ass, shall we?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

First off, I thought it was spelled "Mergatroid", but who the fuck am I to argue with Wikipedia?

Secondly, who are you, and what have you done with my Nationals? You better return them unhurt, or so help me God! Actually, keep Flop. And Estrada, too. The brief rundown of yesterday:

15 runs; 17 hits; 2 2B; 2 HR; 13 RBI.

That's a new Nationals record for runs (you don't count, Canada), and season highs in hits and RBI. How did the guys do individually? Well, first let me just say that TEH GOOZ went hit less. He did manage to score a run, though, so he's still my boy. Wee Willy Harris had 5 RBI, Kearnsie scored 5 times, Jesus was 5 for 6 with 2 RBI, and Longerhands even got into the act (2 hits, 1 RBI).

If you're keeping score at home (Shut up. No you aren't. LIAR!), that's 29 runs in the last 3 games. For you math disabled, that's 9.666 runs/game. My God. I think the water from the Anacostia River has leaked into the clubhouse and mutated our boys into Superheroes. I just hope Luis will let me try on his cape. ::gasp!:: ::squeeeee!::

OK. Off day for the fellas today, and a three game set in San Francisco starts tomorrow. Guess who's back for this series, btw??

Yes sirree, he whose name cannot be mentioned will be manning 3rd again. MEAT becomes the latest casualty. I'm actually shocked it took 4 days for the latest injury to occur. That's gotta be a record for this year.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


You all refreshed from the break? Fan-fucking-tastic. Let's dive the fuck in with this. And end it with this, cause I can't make this stuff up. Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the position players on the Nationals active roster. I apologize in advance for what you're about to see. That is all.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

MAN DOWN! Again? Seriously?

Not like it'll kill the Nats too badly, but Aaron Boone was just placed on the 15 day DL. Pete Orr will be brought back up to take his place.
Boone strained his calf while running from the dugout to first base to pinch run for Dmitri Young. For reals. I can't make that shit up. This brings to 15 the total number of players on the opening day roster to have gone on the DL. My. God. Someone get the other 10 out of town before they die.
One more time from Calisthenics cat!

JESUS + Lannans = God + Moses?

My religion skills are rusty, so someone let me know if that post title makes no sense. That being said, last night was good. NAY, last night was grand! The Doctor got to see the new Park (you like?), and got to witness Johnny Lannans being rewarded. Finally. That JESUS! pinch hit homer was like the hooker having a pretty face, icing on the cake. Unless the hooker has herpes. Then there would be some analogy about making a trip to the clinic, and all the Nats on the DL. Car pooling is available, if anyone else on the squad wants to get hurt.
Okay, on to other things, cause they're killing me.
Hey, did you know the All-Star Game/festivities are next week? And at Yankee Stadium? Well, if you're on the MLB mailing list like I am, you sure do. Note to MLB: I fucking get it. Please cease and desist any further communications you had planned to send. Please. Pretty please, with TEH GOOZ on top. Stop.
I know it's not Nats related, but God dammit, I have a huge soft spot for Josh Hamilton in my heart. That kid can't get enough praise for overcoming his demons. (While we're on that subject, props to LoDu for not being photographed with any 21 year olds in Georgetown, or Old Town. WTG, dude.) Anyway, Josh hit his first walk-off home run last night. Off Francisco Rodriguez (also known as K-Rod, but who I refuse to call K-Rod, cause THERE'S NO FUCKING K IN HIS NAME!) no less. I used to know how to direct link to the exact play, but MLB dicked around with their game wraps. You'll have to find it yourself on the bottom here. It's well worth a watch, and I ain't afraid to admit it got a little dusty around here when I watched it for the first time.

Oh, and when did Texas sign Carrot Top?

Also, Crocs? Really, Texas? What, PoppedCollars.com didn't offer enough cash to be on your outfield wall?

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

That there offense is firing on all cylinders!

Jesus. Christ. No, not you, Joe Flowers....the one from the bible. I have nothing at all to say about last night's performance. Instead? I look forward to tonight, where one frequent commenter and one frequent lurker attend the game with my better half and I. In honor of JoeyDanny's visit, I brought the Diamondbacks to town (how was Phoenix?). For the Doctor allowing me to take him to his first ever Nationals Park experience, I dedicate the rest of this post to something near and dear his heart. NASCAR, Joe Gibbs Racing (JGR), and Tony Stewart.
Turn left. Lord, let my driver win. Fuck these Toyotas. (respectively.)

Yes, Tony asked to leave JGR so he could drive some American nameplates. Joe turned the other cheek and released him early from his contract. Jokes on you though, Tony. Hope you have fun burning in HELL!

In all seriousness, all Joe Gibbs needs to do is get Lance Berkman in a driver suit and no one will know Tony left. (Zero wins? Yeah, Lance could do that.)

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

14 of 25

Excuse my monkey math, please, cause I might be wrong on 1 or 2 peeps (I think just 1).
Of the original 25 man roster to start the year, 14 of them fuckers have gone on the DL. 5 of them have been on the DL more than once. FOURTEEN players for a total of 19 trips. (This may be wrong, because I counted Ryan Wagner. Was he on the 25 man to open the season?)
How do these 14 spread across the roster?

2 of the 5 starting pitchers (Rental, Hill(twice))
Both the starting, and back up catchers (LoDu and Estrada, both twice. Remember, JESUS and Wil weren't called up until the injuries )
Both 1B guys (Slick, Meat)
Starting 2B (Belly)
Starting 3B (Zimm)
The complete starting OF (WMP/Dukes (twice for Dukes), Milledge, Kearns)
Closer (Cordero)
One reliever (Wagner)

So, we have only had 1 consistent position player (GOOZ!) and 2 starting pitchers (Redding/Lannan). Remeber, this rotation has had Bergmann, Chico, Mock, Balester, and Clippard start in the 4/5 spots. The good news? The bullpen has been very healthy. The bad news? The bullpen has been awful ('cept for the Wookie, he's been OK.).

Bring on the Diamondbacks, damnit. Tonight, it's Lannans vs. Owings. Bring forth the wins, fellas. Oh, btw...Jimbo...I'll be in the stands tomorrow in case someone else breaks and you need a player.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Cover these fuckers in bubble wrap

This is getting ridiculous. I think them saying DOOKS will be out for 4-6 weeks is optimistic. Might be 2 months. Might be the year. I mean, all that's left is for someone to be euthanized during a game. At this point, do we refuse to trade Flop and Capt. Redd because we need them as injury insurance?

EDIT: Fuckers. I have Chico on there twice. Well..I meant to do that! Yeah! Chico's soooooo good, his injury is twice as devastating to the team!

Wondering kitty wanted to publicly wonder again...

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

What to say?

Ya know? It's the half way point, so I should probably do a mid-point retrospective, right? But...I can't. I can't allow myself to overlook last night's performance by Balester coupled with another BELLY! dinger.
(Full disclosure: I umpired last night, so I didn't see the game live. I heard Charlie's wrap up on the way back so I knew the outcome. Did this make me view the game differently when I watched it this morning? I'm not sure.)
Out of all three kids that have gotten Nats debuts as a starter this year, Collin is head and shoulders above Clippard and Mock (IMO). His control was absolutely, positively, emphatically, undoubtedly phenomenal. PHE-FUCKIN-NOMENAL. His is, indeed, a super sensational diaper dandy. He didn't throw his change too often, and he doesn't have a devastating curve ball, but with the way he locates his fastball he doesn't need to. It has late movement, and just paints the corners. True, his pitch count was up there (95 in 5 innings), and he went to long counts on quite a few batters (damn close to a 60/40 ratio of strikes to balls) but the laid back kid from Huntington Beach didn't seem to panic. He would just locate another fastball right were he needed too, and either jammed the guy for a pop up, or went down and away for a ground ball. Bottom line? Color me impressed.
Now, to be realistic... the kid's gonna have a few bad games. Maybe more than a few. Scouts will see him more, and more and there will be a gameplan for him. He might be off some nights and lose his location. That could get him in a lil' bit o' hot water if he doesn't have a sharp curve or the change-up to fall back on, but I think he'll stick in the rotation the rest of the year (seriously).

Instead of looking back (where, let's face it, I would just be saying "Guzman" and "Lannan/Redding") let's say fuck it to the '08 season, and look at what we have set in stone for the Nationals of '09 and beyond, shall we?

SP: John Lannan (23), Collin Balester (turned 22 last month), Mock/Clippard (24/23). (Detweiler? (22))
C: Jesus Flores (23)
1B: Unknown. (Marrero, the #1 prospect in the orginization, is only 19. Not sure we'll see him that soon.)
2B: Unknown
SS: Goozie, once he signs the two year extension.
3B: Zim (Still just 23!)
LF: Unknown
CF: Milledge (23)
RF: Dukes (24)

I left out the bullpen, cause that's always a crap shoot, and the young guys are hard to project. (I'm lying, I'm too fucking lazy and I like all the guys so I didn't wanna play favorites since, you know, they read this blog and all.) That leaves us with an average age of 24/25 in 2009/10. It's gonna be good, folks. I suggest you put a deposit down for season tickets now.

Awesome dude of the day to Balester (of course), but with a slight tip of my braided hair to Belly (Grand Salamai), and my goatee to mi hermano (striking out Hermida with a SICK slider in the bottom of the 8th with the tying run on 2nd). Enjoy, Collin.

(Did I write enough? Jesus, I thought Tolstoy was a long read. He ain't got shit on me, that dead pacifist bastard)