ZNN returns, and he brings his right hand man.

So sorry for the disappearing act I pulled last week. To be honest with you, I don't have as much fun writing about the losses as I do the wins. To be even more honest with you, I'm lazy as shit.

BUT IT'S A NEW DAY, PEOPLE!

ZNN pitched well enough to get the win yesterday, including striking out that Johnny Lannan wanna-be David Wright three times. Seriously, though..what's up with Wright trying to take a run at Johnny for the best eyebrows in the game?


Get your own fucking gimmick, David Wright Wrong (BURN!). (Also, to appreciate Johnny's eyebrows to the utmost, it is imperative you see this picture. Simply magnificent.)

Anywhoo, ZNN threw just over 100 pitches last night with 62 of them strikes. He threw four pitches, and was even changing speeds on his fastball. He did his job, limiting the Mets to one run on six hits while striking out five. He left the offense to his main man, JESUS!, however. The Venezuelan Messiah crucified the Mets going 3-4 with a two run HR, 3 RBI and 1 BB.

I managed to sneak into the clubhouse after the game, and found the two of them holding court in the corner. I snapped me a pic...


I must admit...I had a strong moral dilemma with the picture above. I mean...who do you choose to be God, and who gets the Jesus spot? I eventually gave Jesus the Jesus spot because, well, his name happens to be Jesus.

One last thing for you guys...I managed to find what has to be the worst headline since the Adam Dunn signing when everyone was using the "Dunn Deal" pun. Oh...Bill Ladson, you rapscallion you!

Nats John Lannan to overhaul his entire delivery.

Even though Johnny Lannan (EYEBROWS!) has had success in his 2 years up in the big leagues, he has decided to abandon his current delivery, and try this whole pitcher thing as a righty.




This has me seriously concerned about Randy St.Claire's competency. Or Hazel Mae's. (I'm leaning much more to the latter, to be honest with you.)

Mighty Mets are Mighty Awful. Lannan Shuts 'em down.

I am sooooo slammed at work, that I really don't have time to write too much stuff myself. Kudos to Lannan/DOOKS!/Hernandez, etc., but eyebrows gets the awesome dude of the day award, for sure. Enjoy, Johnny!

As for the rest of this post, Let me take a gander around the Mets blogoverse, and see what those wonderfully wonderful Mets faithful are saying:

"This team needs to go out and take it to pitchers like Lannan." (metsblog.com)

"Can someone explain to me why Schneider called for Duaner to throw 37 outside pitches in a row?" (metsblog.com) [That was pretty damn funny, actually]

"John “Fukkin” Lannan should never 1-hit a team through 7 innings. It just shouldn’t happen. Ever." (metsblog.com)

"I am sorry 1 hit off of John Lannan is absolutely 1000% inexcusable. The guy barely throws the ball in the strike zone yet these idiots were flailing at pitches in the dirt all night." (metsblog.com)

"One-hit through seven innings by John Lannan. Are you kidding me? John. Lannan." (source)

"I swear when I saw Elijah Dukes' home run flying toward the left field stands at Nationals Park, I decided we aren't winning this thing." (source)

"Lannan looked like he was inhabited by the spirit of Nolan Ryan last night. Why can't the Mets hit off of lifelong horrible pitchers?......Back to Pedro. The hall of famer gives up a crucial 2-run single to the worst hitter on the worst team in all of baseball who just happens to ex-Met, Anderson Hernandez." (metslifers.blogspot.com)

" I want to be a loyal Met soldier in General Manuel’s army but watching them get abused by the crappy Nats really makes it hard......Sorry but a 7-2 loss to the Nationals down the stretch is downright embarrassing." (brooklynmetfan.com)

"pedro enough is enough..take your mid 80’s fastball and go pitch in the LLWS.. probably wouldn’t even make the taiwanese squad.. ffffffffffffffffffffffffff you milledge you pos"(brooklynmetfan.com)

"Lock up the liquor cabinets and close the church gate, here come the Nationals. The only thing bigger than their suckiness is their attitude and you know they want to sweep the Mets. [Posted Monday, and followed up today with:] "what no comment on last night's DEVASTATING loss to the LAST PLACE Nationals? WTF you may think. No, I shan't discuss that." [Too bad, I would've liked to see this persons forehead explode] (itsmetsforme.blogspot.com)

And finally, It wouldn't be a New York post without an extremely intelligent post about their biggest enemy:
"shouldnt elijah dukes be arrested by now.." (metsblog.com) [actually, that sounds like quite a few posters over on Chico's WAPO blog...]

DIE, Mets!

Hi there. How have you been? Good to hear. Me? Well, I've been lazy, but I have watched all of the Nats games this past weekend. How bout that crazy Hammer hands, huh? And we thought Cordero was giving us heart attacks! How bout that 15 inning affair? DOOKS! goes 0-6, but it's all good, as he comes up large with a bases clearing double in the top of the 15th.
So, what's new with you guys? Great, great.

A short trip to New York for the boys. Games today and tomorrow, then on to Florida. I really would like to sweep this little 2 game series because.....well.... I hate the fucking Mets. Ain't the level of hate that I have for Utley, no, but it's pretty big.

Tonite is the battle of the eyebrows, as Johnny Lannans takes on (hold on, lemme check here....) Olivier Perez. Beauticians everywhere will be screaming at the TV whenever close-ups of the starting pitchers will be shown.

Where my broom at?

Going for the sweep tonight, y'all. It really, really, shouldn't be that hard, since we're facing a 12 year old. I bring you tonight's starter, Master Clayton Kershaw.

All KIDding aside (see what I did there?), he already faced the Nats once, and handed them their asses (he allowed the same amount of base runners as he had strike outs). The guy is good. Sheeet, he was throwing in AA as a 19 year old. He has a hard fastball, with an almost vertical curveball (I'd say 12-6, but most people argue it's 1-7, and I hate arguments) and is developing a change-up, too. Great. ::sigh::
BUT, fear not, valiant readers, for we have DOOKS! back, and Zim hit his first homerun since May last night. Eyebrows (my new, cute nickname for Lannan) is up against him tonight, so look for a good match up.

P.S. How does Trey manage to make such great music with Phish, and have his other shit suck SO bad? I mean, Surrender To the Air was abominable, and Shine is almost unlistenable (Not a word, you say? It is now). Discuss.

JESUS + Lannans = God + Moses?

My religion skills are rusty, so someone let me know if that post title makes no sense. That being said, last night was good. NAY, last night was grand! The Doctor got to see the new Park (you like?), and got to witness Johnny Lannans being rewarded. Finally. That JESUS! pinch hit homer was like the hooker having a pretty face, icing on the cake. Unless the hooker has herpes. Then there would be some analogy about making a trip to the clinic, and all the Nats on the DL. Car pooling is available, if anyone else on the squad wants to get hurt.
Okay, on to other things, cause they're killing me.
Hey, did you know the All-Star Game/festivities are next week? And at Yankee Stadium? Well, if you're on the MLB mailing list like I am, you sure do. Note to MLB: I fucking get it. Please cease and desist any further communications you had planned to send. Please. Pretty please, with TEH GOOZ on top. Stop.
I know it's not Nats related, but God dammit, I have a huge soft spot for Josh Hamilton in my heart. That kid can't get enough praise for overcoming his demons. (While we're on that subject, props to LoDu for not being photographed with any 21 year olds in Georgetown, or Old Town. WTG, dude.) Anyway, Josh hit his first walk-off home run last night. Off Francisco Rodriguez (also known as K-Rod, but who I refuse to call K-Rod, cause THERE'S NO FUCKING K IN HIS NAME!) no less. I used to know how to direct link to the exact play, but MLB dicked around with their game wraps. You'll have to find it yourself on the bottom here. It's well worth a watch, and I ain't afraid to admit it got a little dusty around here when I watched it for the first time.

Oh, and when did Texas sign Carrot Top?


Also, Crocs? Really, Texas? What, PoppedCollars.com didn't offer enough cash to be on your outfield wall?

This is it.

Rock bottom. That's where I think we are. Especially with the latest news about The Franchise (with all due respect to Shane Douglas). That's right folks. Zim is out a minimum of 4-6 weeks, and it could be for the year. I told my cat, Natty, the news last night after the game. His response is documented below.


He was commenting on not only the Zim injury news, but also the pathetic and inconsistent offense. He also wonders why no starter besides Lannan can seem to throw more than 5 innings. Why have the bullpen guys that were so reliable in the past seemed so brutally ineffective? (Natty kitty's looking at you Saul and Luis!) He also can't stand Hanrahan's inability to throw strikes. I dunno, ya know? To pitch in this level don't you kinda, sorta, have to be around the God damn plate!? When Colome is thought of as being one of the better success stories outta the pen, you know your fucked. Props to Rauch, however. He's been all right filling in for Cordero.
Will it get any better? Shit, how long till Guzman goes to the DL? The injuries, offensive ineptitude, and pitching woes are driving me to tie a plastic bag around my head. The only things keeping me from self inflicted death at this point are Flores, Dukes, Milledge, Guzman, and Lannan. Four 23 year olds and a 29 year old that is by far our best player this year. Will he get re-signed? It'll be interesting to see. I'm also peeking into the farm system, and we will get some more looks at younger starting pitching as the season stretches into September.
How can I sum it all up?
Fuck. Me. Let me know when this team can do anything consistently, besides sucking. I still love everyone that puts on the uniform and goes out there to play. I'll still watch every game that I can, and I'll be at the park another 14 times at a minimum. I just can't have any hope of the offense coming from behind, nor the pitching staff keeping the other team from scoring early.

Tale of the Tape

I'm aware of the chance that Elijah might not play tonight. I just choose to ignore it. Instead, I wondered how Elijah would measure up against the starting pitcher for tonight, Ian Smell Snail Oquendo Snell, in the off chance the guys has the balls to plunk Elijah.
Ian's shortcomings are well documented, so I won't rehash those. Instead, let's take a look at who might win the battle massacre.

First fighter up is Elijah Dukes.

Height: 6'2'
Weight: 240 lbs.
Born and raised: the ghettos of Tampa Bay, FL.
Chokings: At least 1
Death Threats: At least 1
Arrested for battery: Twice
Positives: Can bench press 350 lbs. Can send picture messages, which takes skill, and a phone not called the iPhone. Calls people "dawg".
Negatives: Seriously? Someone else insult him, thank you very much.

His opponent is Ian Snell.
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Born and raised: Dover/Camden, DE.
Run-ins with law enforcement: Was cited for sporting that God awful soul patch/missed shaving spot on his chin.
Choked: Way too many games to count.
Death threats: None to others, but many made to him for his comment about "never be[ing] caught dead living in Pittsburgh."

Positives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. I'll be honest, I can't think of any.
Negatives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. Has been seen wrestling with young white girls when he's married. (Actually not sure if is still married, just to be fair.) Also, is not the best in bed, or so I've heard.



So, to steal my friends quote (for the second time)... anyone care to mention odds on Snell leaving in a body bag?

Finally, let's not forget that we have Johnny Lannans throwing for us tonight, and the lineup seems to like Pittsburgh. Here comes step 2 in the three step sweep plan.

Die, Charlie.

Ugh. I have a new enemy, and thy name is Charlie. 4 runs in 4 IP? Nice! 2 HR to 2 lefties? Left handed specialist, my ass. Bring back Burger King!
In case you missed it, here's the link for Longerhand's incredibly incredible catch to rob a home run from one of those Padres. White man can jump.
Stat of the day: Johnny Lannans has the lowest run support of any starter in the National League. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Boo. Boo. Yay!

Jesus, what a busy weekend.

The good:

Johnny fucking Lannans! Might as well pen in the Cy Young ballots now, peeps.
Mi hermano. Lights out, fools!

The bad:

Anyone in the lineup not named Gooz, Flop, or Zim.


The Ugly:

Blastings, WMP, Kearnsie, Slick.

So, Slick is out 4-6 weeks. Was Austin benched, or is he injured? How the hell does Jesus get tossed? Those were incredibly, incredibly bad calls by McClelland. I haven't seen anyone squeezed as tight as hammer hands was since my buddy Joe Deitz got in that fight with that Black Bear in Montana. That was ugly. So were his calls. Blech.

1-2 for the Bmore series. I'm just happy everyone returned with their lives. Baltimore is notorious for stabbings, rapes, and crab cakes. Luckily our fighting heroes from DC avoided all.

Another ex Nat throwing tonight?

So, Chico Harlan and Barry Svrlg had their usual Wednesday chat today. Imagine my surprise when I see this question pop up:

Section 138: John Lannan. Actually a mortal being?

Barry Svrluga: It would appear that way, wouldn't it? Last night, he was more erratic than usual, particularly in the strike zone, giving up all those hits. But think of it this way, too: If Austin Kearns can somehow snare Ryan Church's absolutely scorched line drive, Lannan gets out of a six-inning outing having allowed just two runs. I think in the big picture Lannan is doing quite well. He's not afraid of situations, he'll pitch inside, and he's learning on the fly with really respectable results.

Wait..wait a minute! Section 138? That's my section! There must be some savvy Nats fans that sit in that section. Which is weird, because I've never seen the same people there twice this season. Hmm.

I actually think Barry missed the point of my question, but whatever. I didn't think he looked bad at all last night. I was questioning the blood/tissue make up of Mr. Lannans. Like, maybe he's an alien, or a robot.

I made an error (WHAT? YOU? NO!) earlier this week. I assumed Chico was going to take O'Connor's starting spot, since they brought up Schroder (a reliever). Well, today they announced Jason Bergmann would get the start tomorrow. Matt, bro, I'm sorry. I know you would rather be starting. So, I made another card for you.

Finally, we have Capt. Redd on the bump tonight. His opponent? Claudio "6 teams in 4 seasons" Vargas. Hey, he played in the Nats organization for a while. You would think a club with pitching problems like the Nats had in 2005 wouldn't give this guy up, right? What's that? Oh, apparently he went 0-3 with a 9.24 ERA in 4 starts for the Nats back then. Good luck, sir. You're gonna need it against our mighty men. We welcome you to the Majors this year, along with your 1-1 record with a 4.91 ERA from AAA. Hope you last longer than Figuroro did.

Johhny Savior

Johnny comes through again. All hail St. Lannan. He toyed with the Astros last night. He walked the first hitter of the ballgame, just to throw them off. Idiots got cocky, and thought they could win. Losers. Manny gave a couple guys the night off, cause he knew it wouldn't be a close game. Mackowakiak and Willie H hit a bomb each, and Kearnsie and Slick added some RBIs if their own. So, with that, we bid farewell to the hell hole that is Houston.



A couple injury updates, LoDu and Estrada are both being put on the DL. Jesus will be brought up, and my main man Dooksie is going to be activated. My God, Nationals are being broken at an alarming rate. I was able to chat with team physician, Dr. Benjamin Shaffer, MD, and he showed me the x-rays from Chad, LoDu, and Estrada. I managed to steal them when he wasn't looking, and smuggled them home. I scanned them in for you guys. Here you go.


Interesting how they're all the same, no? Poor guys are frowning, too. That's all right, though. They'll be back good as new shitty as ever in 30 days or so.

Aliens! Ahh!

The reports are still quiet and few, but from what I have gathered, here is what we know:

• Johnny Lannan was abducted by aliens, and replaced by an inferior Martian body form.
• The Martian body form was only a 7% representation of Johnny.
• Aliens attempted to also replace Wil the Thril, but he fought off 83 attackers killing 82 and maiming 1.
• Matthew Chico has been in Nationals protective custody the last 48 hours, making his abduction impossible.

So, the Pirates will send Paul Mahome, the pride of Greenwood, MS (giggle) up against #47, who is working on an extra days rest. Expect Matty to top 100 mph today, and hold the Pirates to three hits.
I'll be at the park, celebrating the sweet sweet taste of victory. Maybe Mi Hermano will join me?

Lannan + Nieves = ZOMG!!!11!!!!11

So, I have tickets for tomorrow's game. I was pretty pumped, because that was Johnny's turn in the rotation. Fuck sticks. That's ok, though. Just means I get to see an extra rested #47 (in the scorecards, but #1 in our hearts!) destroy the meager Pirate batters. Plus, Wil the Thril may end up hanging in the bullpen again. That was neato-torpedo.
So, that means on tap for tonight is the aforementioned 2008 NL Cy Young award winner, Mr Johnny Lannans vs. Phil Dumatrait. Phil fucking Dumatrait. I know folks say we take all the Reds castoffs, but this fucker put up an 0-4 record with a 15.00 ERA in Cinci last year.With a 2.83 WHIP. Stop laughing, the Pittsburgh fans are starting to pout.
Since Johnny's throwing, that means we also have the awesomely awesome Wil Nieves behind the plate. The 185 lb bundle of fuck-you-up is set to roll. He's gonna catch a no-hitter, while hitting for the cycle tonight. Shit's gonna be silly!
I won't be able to watch, however, for a shitty high school in NOVA needs my superior umpiring ability. As always, sending the score via telekinesis is much appreciated.

Destiny, baby.

That post heading? That's good shit right there. There's the lame old school saying that goes something to the effect of: Keep on keeping on, and the breaks will eventually go your way.

Fuck all that. When Manny was asked about Wil missing that the bunt was taken off, bunting it right back to the pitcher anyway, only to have it go through the pitchers legs?

Destiny, baby.

God damn fucking right. Destiny.

I didn't see the game, only heard the first 3 innings on my way to a game. I saw 4 aborted highlights on Sportscenter (again..note to ESPN: Fuck. You.) which only showed Flop grounding into the double play, Wil bunting with two strikes, Belly's bases loaded walk, and Flop's single to left for the win. Meh. Maybe that's all that needed to be shown?

Props to Shawn Hill. Good effort, kid. You might be in this Cy Young race with Chico and Lannan, if you keep this up!

Other tidbit: Cardiac's arm did, in fact, fall off. It will take 4-6 weeks to reattach it. Manny's prolly gonna keep the bullpen at just 6 guys, and leave Wil the Thril on the roster. Works for me.

Johnny Freaking Lannan

Let it be said, Johnny Lannan is one sexy mother fucker. You've all seen the stats by now, so no need to repeat them here.

What EVER! Peep this shit, folks:

Last 3 starts: 2-0; 20 IP; 0.45 ERA; 7 BB; 18 K; 101 pitches/game; 19 consecutive scoreless innings. I even did the math, and his WHIP over those games? That, my friends, is a fucking delicious 0.95.

So, to recap.. Lannan = Buddha (who would beat the Christian God's butt in hand to hand combat.)

Things ain't all hugs and hand pounds smiles and grab assing in the clubhouse, however. We still have to have the offense...err...I dunno..not suck. (Flop and Gooz exempt)


Leading the blow brigade is our very own, very mortal Zim. Followed by Kearnsie, WMP, and (I have to say) Slick.
AB BA OBP K RBI
Zim 108 .222 .256 22 10
Kearnsie 91 .187 .308 16 10
WMP 47 .170 .220 15 2
Slick 74 .216 .392 18 14

Thems there stats ain't pretty. Down right Sam Cassell ugly, in fact.

Day off today, then we welcome the Injins back into town.

6-0. God damn right.

I'm drunk, and upset. The caps lost in overtime. Blahhh.

Good news? The Nats won! Lannan beat that guy Smoeltz (who apparently got his 30th strikeout..or something like that, tonight) and the offense managed 6 runs. Sweeeet. He whose name shall not be said actually got off the snide and had a bases clearing double in the 9th.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! Off to bed. I might call in sick to work tomorrow...we'll see. If I do, expect a 457,853 word post on Nats stats. If I don't, it will have to be shortened to 451,500. I got bucket loads of shit to do at work, you can see.

Lannan for Cy Young, bitches!