Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Tale of the Tape

I'm aware of the chance that Elijah might not play tonight. I just choose to ignore it. Instead, I wondered how Elijah would measure up against the starting pitcher for tonight, Ian Smell Snail Oquendo Snell, in the off chance the guys has the balls to plunk Elijah.
Ian's shortcomings are well documented, so I won't rehash those. Instead, let's take a look at who might win the battle massacre.

First fighter up is Elijah Dukes.

Height: 6'2'
Weight: 240 lbs.
Born and raised: the ghettos of Tampa Bay, FL.
Chokings: At least 1
Death Threats: At least 1
Arrested for battery: Twice
Positives: Can bench press 350 lbs. Can send picture messages, which takes skill, and a phone not called the iPhone. Calls people "dawg".
Negatives: Seriously? Someone else insult him, thank you very much.

His opponent is Ian Snell.
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Born and raised: Dover/Camden, DE.
Run-ins with law enforcement: Was cited for sporting that God awful soul patch/missed shaving spot on his chin.
Choked: Way too many games to count.
Death threats: None to others, but many made to him for his comment about "never be[ing] caught dead living in Pittsburgh."

Positives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. I'll be honest, I can't think of any.
Negatives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. Has been seen wrestling with young white girls when he's married. (Actually not sure if is still married, just to be fair.) Also, is not the best in bed, or so I've heard.

So, to steal my friends quote (for the second time)... anyone care to mention odds on Snell leaving in a body bag?

Finally, let's not forget that we have Johnny Lannans throwing for us tonight, and the lineup seems to like Pittsburgh. Here comes step 2 in the three step sweep plan.


Puttzy said...

This post make me wonder one thing . . . . Who (Dukes or Snell) has wrestled more white women?

Phishisgr8 said...

If by wrestled you mean "forced into sexual relations against their will" then it goes to Snell. No question.
Did you really think I'd say Dukes? Fuck. That.