Suspensions! Oh, boy!

Well, the discipline for last Sunday's battle in Arizona came out, and it's a joke. Joe Garagiola, Jr. (who is the senior vice president of standards and on-field operations for MLB) gave Jason Marquis a 5 game sit down, Esmerlin Vazsquez a 3 game benching, and both managers a one game suspension.
I overreacted on Twitter yesterday and screamed:

"Marquis gets 5 games, but Vasquez only 3? Well, shouldn't be a surprise as the man handing out the sentence was the GODDAMN AZ GM at 1 point"

Well, I was quickly put in my place by Dave over at Nats News Network, as he kindly reminded me that Jason (being a starting pitcher) will only miss one game, as he only starts every fifth game, whereas Vasquez is a reliever, and will miss three actual games. I took my punishment like a man*, and sulked away from the Internet for a bit. I saw my wife later in the day and she said, "Why so down, clown?" So, I told her about my Twitter overreaction, and how I was chided for it, and she jumped into her Twitter-mobile to throw this out to her 13 followers, all in my defense.

"But wait, Marquis is not only a starter (pitching every 5th), he is also a pinch runner and a pinch hitter."

Vindication! Exoneration! Victory is mine! See that, Garagiola? Your punishment is unjust, dammit! You... You... (Shit... I don't know what physical features of yours to make fun of as a Google image search for you turns up, like, 60 gazillion different people. I mean... Jesus... I had no idea that name was so damn common. Oh, lookie... someone named Joe Garagiola, Jr. looks just like Andre Ethier. And Josh Hamilton. And... a young Asian man.)

Ah, screw it. I don't need to make fun of your physical appearance, because I can make fun of your lazy approach to your job. See, I got a hold of the tape that was sent to the League office, the very same one you used to justify your Marquis five game suspension.And while I can see how B.J. Justin Upton convinced you he was hurt (thanks to the home plate umpire wearing a microphone, and that audio added to the TV feed), I can also tell you were a lazy malazy chore-shirker. Oh yeah, Joe... I can tell that you only watched the beginning of the tape. Now, on my blog, I will out you for the sloth that you are! I present to the world... The video tape that I had to smuggle out of the MLB offices, with my very life at stake.... BEHOLD!

Damn, Joe. I'm surprised you even made it to work to lazily look at the tape. I would've imagined you only drove 1/3 of the way to the office, only to turn back. Do you dress yourself with that same attitude as well? Are you wearing one only one sock, with a half-buttoned dress shirt and no pants? I bet you are, you pant-less son of a bitch!

*I in no way took my chiding like a man. Instead, I replied to Dave with, "Valid point. I will continue w/my stance that Joe Garagiola, Jr. is both an idiot & a stupid doo-doo head, however." Hey, if there's one thing I can say I'm vigilant about, it's staying immature. Without my child-like outlook on life, I would've killed Ray King, Rob Dibble, Garrett Mock, Felipe Lopez...
Shit... mentioning these names again makes me want tO....

ARGH! GAVIN ANGRY! GAVIN SMASH! GAVIN GET IN CAR TO DRIVE TO RAY KING'S HOUSE! GAVIN NOW AT RAY KING'S HOUSE! GAVIN FIND RAY KING! GAVIN SAY, "I KILL YOU, RAY KING. BEG FOR MERCY, RA...oh, hi, Ray. That's a juicy looking burger you're eating, Ray. Can I have one? Thanks." /Nom Nom "Umm, boy... that was a tasty burger. Now... PREPARE TO DIE!" GAVIN SMASH AND MAIM AND KILL! ON TO FELIPE LOPEZ' HOUSE NOW...

About that Adam Dunn strike out in Randy Johnson's 300th win...

You know, the one where the umpire punched Dunn out with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of eighth the with the score 2-1 Giants? Brian Wilson was brought in to hold the lead and earn Randy Johnson his 300th win. If the sixth pitch in this at-bat was called a ball, it would've made Johnson's start a no decision. As is was, the home plate umpire, Blindy McBlinderson, called it strike three. The Giants held the lead, and Randy got his 300th win.

I woke up this morning feeling dirty. Like that call was still all over my skin, and I couldn't get it off no matter how hard I tried. So I jumped on MLB gameday to see where the pitch was. I know, I know, it ain't exactly 100% precise, but it still gives you an idea of where the pitch was located.

So, I'm watching the pitches come in, one at a time. I see the fifth pitch come in high, for ball three, and I'm gearing up for the sixth, and final pitch. The one that I thought was low. The one that was called strike three. So, what happens? They fucking shift the strike zone down! Seriously! I made a gif of screen shots from the pitch track of the two pitches. Look how far down they shift the strike zone. It's a fucking conspiracy!! (Puts on foil hat.)




Okay, well they might be able to alter gameday, they can't alter film. I urge all of you to head on over to the video of the strikeout here. My apologies in advance to those of you that have not been subjected to the shitty ass MASN "defining moments" ad campaign, as you'll have to sit through one.

Wait you know what? No, I'm not sorry. We've had to sit through 851 of these ads every game all damn season. (Which is a post topic for another time... the 'real' Nationals defining moments.)
So, anyway, peep your eyes over there and lookie for yourself.

Since that still wasn't enough, I decided to get a screen grab from that video to do my best to show the strike call in question. Here it is in all its wonderful glory shittiness .


Now, I just want everyone to remember that

The Strike Zone shall
be determined from the batter’s stance as the batter is prepared to swing at a pitched ball. (Rule 2.00 'The Strike Zone')

That means from his upright stance as the pitcher is delivering the ball. It's not as his back leg dives as he offers as the pitch. Also, the bottom of the strike zone was defined in 1998 in this memo to umpires:

The Strike Zone is that area over home plate the upper limit of which is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the shoulders and the top of the uniform pants, and the lower limit of which is at the top of the knees. (Instructions to umpires, 1998)

So, how does that screen grab make you feel? Like throwing yourself down a flight of stairs? Yup. Me too. Zippie chance that pitch was above his knee.

And, to continue on a post from a few days ago, did you notice Manny Acta sprinting from the dugout to not only argue the bad call, but to defend his slugger Adam Dunn so that Dunn wouldn't get tossed?

Fuck and No, are the answers. It's the pivotal play of the game, and a time when managers have to step in to protect their players. He just sat on his fucking hands thinking, "I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. Just maybe later. Like next inning. I'll be all like, 'hey, blue... your mom wears army boots! Heh. That'll teach him!"

GAH!

My first "over reacting" post

...and not even one game in.

Look, my love for Emilio Bonifacio was well known last year (nine posts about him in 41 games played last year). I didn't like the trade then, but am vomiting at it now.

Boni is 3 for 3 with two SB and an inside the park HR. Anderson Hernandez is on the DL. Belliard has an error. Nope, didn't need Bonesy at all, did we. (Oh, yeah...Willingham is on the bench, with Olsen to go lose tomorrow.)

So, I've decided to start drinking heavily rather early. I just found my cat in the corner, and took a picture, too!



8-2 Marlins after 5 innings. Mr. Yuengling is gonna get rich as shit off of me tonight.

Strasburg at the cost of Nationals wins?

It's something I've brushed up against before, but never actually focused on: Winning games vs. losing games, and getting Steven Strasburg at the first overall pick.
I had a huge write up on Strasburg, but I scrapped it 'cause I didn't know where I was going with it. The huge "tank the season" push was barely around at that time, but it's steam rolled it's way to a huge, ugly, boorish ball of disgust now.
Can I be frank here?
If you're rooting for the Nats to lose, you're dead to me. Please, go straight to jail, and do not collect $100. (Is that the right amount? I haven't played Monopoly in years. The board game, that is. I've been playing monopoly with sexiness and wittiness for decades.)
Cheeks has a poll on his journal entry today. If the votes for wanting the team to win don't beat out the votes wanting the team to lose, I'm hacking the Post's servers, grabbing all the IP addresses of those that voted "I want them to lose", and vandalizing something you own, cause you're vandalizing baseball (which is very near and dear to me).
I'll kick your garden gnome. I'll put holes in your water hose. I'll pour sugar in your gas tanks. I might even replace your pet with a look-a-like stuffed animal, because that animal deserves to live in a home full of hope. Not that black fucking hole of pessimism that you call a home. It's simple, either you're a fan, and you root for a win every damn game, or you're a "fan", and are rooting for the 1st overall pick.
If you don't find yourself screaming and crying and throwing things when you witness innings such as the 8th inning of Sunday's game, I don't want you on my team's side. (I'd post the box score of that inning here, but I don't think the interwebs has enough space for it to be posted twice. Instead, you can find it here. WARNING: Only click that link if you enjoy things such as getting hit in the groin, falling off the monkey bars and getting the wind knocked out of you, or rooting for the Phillies or Mets.) If you don't get excited when Milledge drives in a run in the top of the 9th, to pull the Nats to within one, and Big Bad DOOKS! steps up to the plate with a chance to go ahead by one, well...pardon my French, but fuck the fuck off.
If, on the other hand, you're on my side..well, come join the other 8,999 folks and me watching the game. Hell, come on over to my neighborhood bar. I'll buy you a cold one or six, and we'll scream and yell. Laugh and cry. Boot and rally. And maybe, just maybe, we'll see our boys win one. There's no greater joy than that, even if you are 27.5 games back.

I will destroy your throat and face, Carpenter.

Hi. Ya know, I've been thinking about what to write about the last couple of days. I feel like I've been mailing it in, sorta. You know, not giving you guys my full effort. I didn't want to write crap, just because I felt like I should post something, so I thought about what I'm most passionate about at this time. My findings? I hate Mr. Robert Carpenter.

"Hey, party people, what's the haps? Right on, right on"
:::::gives the double finger gun shooting thingie complete with wink:::::::
"Okay, you take it easy, you crazy kid!"
::::: hits your shoulder with his fist while saying "Go get 'em, slugger"::::::::

Let me make it clear: I don't hate Bob Carpenter the person, I hate Bob Carpenter the personality. He may be great out of the booth, but he just seems so..... fucking cheesy in the booth, that I can't help but project that to how he would act in his everyday life. He also has the worst baseball knowledge of anyone that is even remotely associated with the game, not to mention the worst timing of any announcer in professional sports.

I've ranted about his timing before. A couple times, actually. But no post complaining about his announcing would be complete without me bringing it up. He displays no interest what-so-ever in actually letting the play end before calling the result. It's excruciatingly excruciating. He's on FUCKING TV, for Christ's sake. He doesn't have to even give the result, if he doesn't want to, because most of us watching TV have eyes in our fucking head. Let the play unfold, and call the aftermath, Bob, and we would be getting along so much better.

"How far is this one gonna go!?" Well, Bob, chances are if your saying that, it'll barely clear the wall, or be caught 10 feet short on the warning track. Since this game was in Atlanta, they don't have Carpy screaming like an idiot, but click on video, select the "Dukes' solo shot" and just know that as soon as it hit the bat, he said those familiar six words in bold above. The ball cleared by a foot, if that.

More verbiage: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate his fucking "side-door", and "front-door" breaking ball calls on sliders. Back-door, I'm okay with, because it's been used for years, but now he's just making shit up. While we're on words he makes up, I don't really care for "jammage", either. "Jam job" is pushing it, too, Bob.

Rules of the game: You know, Bob, you've been doing this long enough you would think you would, oh, I don't know....know the fucking rules. I thought I was hearing things earlier this year when I heard you say (and I'm paraphrasing it here, because I don't have the memory skills most do), "Line drive over the bag, lands foul, but where did it cross the bag?" Who gives a shit where/if it crossed the bag, Bob, it's foul no matter what. ANY ball hit in the air that lands, untouched, in foul territory is foul. No ifs ands or buts. Don Sutton had to correct him halfway through the year. I was mind-boggled at why he cared whether a line drive flew over the bag.
Foul-tip. Bob, please understand what a foul-tip is. If I hear you say, "Here's the pitch, foul-tipped to the screen" or "there's a swing, foul-tip, and it will make it's way to the backstop" I'll fucking kill you. Also, you cannot say, "Foul tip, but the catcher can't hang on." The definition of a foul-tip is "a batted ball that goes sharp and direct from the bat to the catcher's hands and is legally caught." If any foul ball touches the ground, it is just a foul ball, not a foul-tip. It must go sharply and directly to the catcher's glove and be caught for it to be a foul-tip, slugger.

Okay, Bob, that's about it. I'll be sure to point out any of your other annoying habits (Eating cookies in bed? You bastard!) as I see fit. Feel free to point out mine, as well, dude!

TOLMAN!!! (shakes fist)

You God damn ass-hat, Tolman.

I was watching the game last night, and as SOON as I saw Tolman start waving Zim home I was yelling at the TV. I can't remember exactly what I said, because I blacked out for a second or two due to my seething anger. But I'm sure it went something along the lines of, "WTF are you doing!? You're the fucking DEVIL, Tolman!"

Watch the clip here. Skip to the :37 second mark for the play. Feel free to mute it since the announcer guy:

• Sounds like a freaking Muppet.
• Has the balls to say "Pat Burrell showing off the arm." Cracker, please. My GF would've thrown Zim out, and she threw 32 mph at the County fair last weekend. (I still love you, sweetie!)
• Just reeks of douchieness.

There. That video confirms it. Tim Tolman is the Anti-Christ. In case you ever wondered what traffic would look like if Tolman were directing it, wonder no more.

Quotes to address

The game last night was rained out. Instead, we get a double header today, yay! Bergie's throwing at 3:05, and Rental will toss the second game, approx. 6:35. But enough about that, time to move on and comment on two quotes that popped up in the past few days.
First, is from our favorite non-hustling, pouting, cancerous second baseman himself, Mr. FLop. He (somehow) got signed by the St. Louis Cardinals. (Suckers.) The St. Louis Blogosphere is not happy about it, either. One quote:

Bottom line, Felipe Lopez is a bad ballplayer. He offers no real upgrade to this team, and significantly hurts them in at least one facet of the game. I suppose it didn't take any talent to acquire him, though, so there's that, right? Eh. This move still gets a big, solid whatever from me.

I digress, however, for this was not the quote I want to pick apart. Nay, the quote I am using is from the man boy himself, Mr. Felipe (No middle name? Commie bastard!) Lopez:

About coming from St. Louis to Washington:

"It's like night and day. You go from somewhere that's dead last and the energy is not there. You come here and as soon as I walked in I felt that energy. That inspires you, that motivates you to play well. ... [ed: The five fucking million dollars you were being paid wasn't enough to motivate you? Jesus Flores Christ, son!] They were trying to develop young players. I was not in their plans for the future. [You know what you could have done? Try helping the kids out, like you said Barry Larkin did for you, you selfish prick]"

On not hitting:

"Like I said, the motivation - just being dead last, I guess. [Yeah, I'd pack it up, too. I mean, what the hell, the team threw $5MM at you, but they only expected you to produce if the team was winning, right?] Like going out there knowing you're probably going to lose isn't motivating. [How about setting an example for the kids on the team, the kids at the ballpark, and the kids at home by, I dunno, RUNNING OUT A FUCKING GROUND BALL?!? Oh, I forgot, if you're in last place, you couldn't be bothered. Dick fuck!]That's tough. That's tough, for me."

You know, I sure as hell hope St. Louis doesn't go into a skid, because it's apparent from Felipe's comments that he couldn't give two shits about playing hard if the team isn't winning. I wasn't there, but I'm fucking positive there was a huge sigh of relief in the clubhouse when this piece of garbage was booted. Good-God Damn-Riddance.

The other quote is from Manny Elias Acta (See, people with middle names are good.) talking about the status of Alberto Gonzalez and his broken bum:

Alberto Gonzalez (left glut): Won't be placed on the DL. Will still need a few more days of rest. "He's getting better, getting treatment," Acta said. "We're not anticipating it to be a long-term type of thing."

I'm calling shenanigans! How many other times have we heard that someone is day-to-day, or just needs some rest, only to have them go on the DL, or even be out for the season? I think it's around 743 times, gad damns it! For the latest, I give you Manny Acta, again, on Monday (the 4th...three days ago):

Q: Elijah, any update?

Elijah (calf) probably needs one more day.

Well, there you have it. I'm sure him being placed on the DL today was an accident by the front office, cause he's ready to go as of yesterday!

It's an unbelievable racket

Non baseball post here, but I gotta vent.

Who the hell thought they could get away with charging a proof fee for wedding invitations? That has got to be the most infuriating thing I've ever run into.

"Would you like to see how it will actually read before you order it?"

"Um, I already know how it's going to read. I wrote the shit down for you."

"Yeah, but sometimes words are spelled wrong, or dates come out wrong."

"Why? I wrote the exact way it's supposed to read, and all my spelling and dates were correct."

"Well, I think you should order a proof to make sure what you submitted is what they print. Oh, and it will cost you $25.00"

What in THE fuck? Of course I'll order the proof, then. You think I want my wedding invitation to say..."Pleased joined us in the marrage of Garvin and Rebercar"? Who the fuck do they have doing this shit, LolCats? Jesus F. Christ. I seriously can't think of anything else that would be that easy of a money generator for a company. I gotta pay you fuckers 25 bones to make sure you transposed my type written invitation that I submitted to you correctly? Fuck. You.

Update:
A friend and I were just kicking this whole proof thing around, and we came up with some analogies of how this would work in everyday life. It really puts it in perspective.

Hey, we are going to change your tires but if you give us an extra 25$ we'll make sure we put all the lugs nuts back on otherwise it's a crap shoot.

or

I know what you brought in to be tattooed onto you. Now, for $25 I can show you exactly how it's going to look. Otherwise, it might say I hate RJ vs. I heart RJ

Tale of the Tape

I'm aware of the chance that Elijah might not play tonight. I just choose to ignore it. Instead, I wondered how Elijah would measure up against the starting pitcher for tonight, Ian Smell Snail Oquendo Snell, in the off chance the guys has the balls to plunk Elijah.
Ian's shortcomings are well documented, so I won't rehash those. Instead, let's take a look at who might win the battle massacre.

First fighter up is Elijah Dukes.

Height: 6'2'
Weight: 240 lbs.
Born and raised: the ghettos of Tampa Bay, FL.
Chokings: At least 1
Death Threats: At least 1
Arrested for battery: Twice
Positives: Can bench press 350 lbs. Can send picture messages, which takes skill, and a phone not called the iPhone. Calls people "dawg".
Negatives: Seriously? Someone else insult him, thank you very much.

His opponent is Ian Snell.
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 170 lbs.
Born and raised: Dover/Camden, DE.
Run-ins with law enforcement: Was cited for sporting that God awful soul patch/missed shaving spot on his chin.
Choked: Way too many games to count.
Death threats: None to others, but many made to him for his comment about "never be[ing] caught dead living in Pittsburgh."

Positives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. I'll be honest, I can't think of any.
Negatives: Was Delaware athlete of the year for 2006. Has been seen wrestling with young white girls when he's married. (Actually not sure if is still married, just to be fair.) Also, is not the best in bed, or so I've heard.



So, to steal my friends quote (for the second time)... anyone care to mention odds on Snell leaving in a body bag?

Finally, let's not forget that we have Johnny Lannans throwing for us tonight, and the lineup seems to like Pittsburgh. Here comes step 2 in the three step sweep plan.

Manny vs. Elijah = Sad face =(

Manny Acta and Elijah dukes went face to face in the dugout last night. Clickie here for the video.

Manny said that it's been buried, per the Washington Times (Sorry Chico Harlan, I'd love to pimp your paper, but there ain't a peep uttered about it).

"It was just a little misunderstanding in the dugout that I'm not going to elaborate on," Acta said. "We talked, and everything is fine."

I'm not sure what it was about, exactly. Dukes doubled with two outs in the top of the 9th, Nats down one. Milledge was looking dead fastball, got it, and sent it out to give the Nats a 7-6 lead. When the two kids got to the plate, there was some hand jiving going down. I think Milledge forced the hand slapping, though, as Dukes looked reluctant. Zuckerman at the Times thinks it has to do with Dukes looking at Capps (The P-Rat that can't contain the Nationals in closing situations) as they walk towards the dugout after the hand slapping be done. Indeed, Dukes does seem to look in his direction and tip his helmet by it's visor, but I think I may be over analyzing. This thing is being looked at like it's the fucking Zapruder film.
The video doesn't show the post game fist bopping, but Dukes did put on his best 8 year old impression. He was high fiving all his teammates, but when Acta's turn came he simply dropped his arm. He put it back up for St. Claire, though, so they're still homies and might of grabbed some 40's at a club later that night. I will say this for Dukes...that was fucking little league behavior.
The worst part about this whole thing? It takes away from the 5 HR performance by the Nats. Ronnie BELLY! comes back from the DL (where he went 0-12 on rehab assignments in Single A and Double AA) to hit two, Jesus keeps hitting like Jesus with his homer, Dmitri added one, and then Milledge's go ahead. Pity, cause it was rather exciting.
I'm not sure what's gonna happen tonight. Does Dukes get benched? If he doesn't, does Ian Snail plunk him? Jesus, I hope he doesn't. Dukes would end up in jail, and Snail would end up on a stretcher slab in the morgue.