Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I will destroy your throat and face, Carpenter.

Hi. Ya know, I've been thinking about what to write about the last couple of days. I feel like I've been mailing it in, sorta. You know, not giving you guys my full effort. I didn't want to write crap, just because I felt like I should post something, so I thought about what I'm most passionate about at this time. My findings? I hate Mr. Robert Carpenter.

"Hey, party people, what's the haps? Right on, right on"
:::::gives the double finger gun shooting thingie complete with wink:::::::
"Okay, you take it easy, you crazy kid!"
::::: hits your shoulder with his fist while saying "Go get 'em, slugger"::::::::

Let me make it clear: I don't hate Bob Carpenter the person, I hate Bob Carpenter the personality. He may be great out of the booth, but he just seems so..... fucking cheesy in the booth, that I can't help but project that to how he would act in his everyday life. He also has the worst baseball knowledge of anyone that is even remotely associated with the game, not to mention the worst timing of any announcer in professional sports.

I've ranted about his timing before. A couple times, actually. But no post complaining about his announcing would be complete without me bringing it up. He displays no interest what-so-ever in actually letting the play end before calling the result. It's excruciatingly excruciating. He's on FUCKING TV, for Christ's sake. He doesn't have to even give the result, if he doesn't want to, because most of us watching TV have eyes in our fucking head. Let the play unfold, and call the aftermath, Bob, and we would be getting along so much better.

"How far is this one gonna go!?" Well, Bob, chances are if your saying that, it'll barely clear the wall, or be caught 10 feet short on the warning track. Since this game was in Atlanta, they don't have Carpy screaming like an idiot, but click on video, select the "Dukes' solo shot" and just know that as soon as it hit the bat, he said those familiar six words in bold above. The ball cleared by a foot, if that.

More verbiage: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate his fucking "side-door", and "front-door" breaking ball calls on sliders. Back-door, I'm okay with, because it's been used for years, but now he's just making shit up. While we're on words he makes up, I don't really care for "jammage", either. "Jam job" is pushing it, too, Bob.

Rules of the game: You know, Bob, you've been doing this long enough you would think you would, oh, I don't know....know the fucking rules. I thought I was hearing things earlier this year when I heard you say (and I'm paraphrasing it here, because I don't have the memory skills most do), "Line drive over the bag, lands foul, but where did it cross the bag?" Who gives a shit where/if it crossed the bag, Bob, it's foul no matter what. ANY ball hit in the air that lands, untouched, in foul territory is foul. No ifs ands or buts. Don Sutton had to correct him halfway through the year. I was mind-boggled at why he cared whether a line drive flew over the bag.
Foul-tip. Bob, please understand what a foul-tip is. If I hear you say, "Here's the pitch, foul-tipped to the screen" or "there's a swing, foul-tip, and it will make it's way to the backstop" I'll fucking kill you. Also, you cannot say, "Foul tip, but the catcher can't hang on." The definition of a foul-tip is "a batted ball that goes sharp and direct from the bat to the catcher's hands and is legally caught." If any foul ball touches the ground, it is just a foul ball, not a foul-tip. It must go sharply and directly to the catcher's glove and be caught for it to be a foul-tip, slugger.

Okay, Bob, that's about it. I'll be sure to point out any of your other annoying habits (Eating cookies in bed? You bastard!) as I see fit. Feel free to point out mine, as well, dude!


Carl said...

One I caught a few weeks ago: "The Nats make two baserunning errors in the inning; you hate to see that happen when you're ahead in the game."

Ooh, yeah, Bob. You know when else you hate to see that happen? When you're behind in the game. Or when the game is tied.

Rebecca said...

Is it Bob who always uses 'stranded' for even players left on first? I'm not a baseball guru so maybe it doesn't even matter...

Section 138 said...

He is fond of trying to point out things to us, and then pointing them out stupidly, Carl.

He mixes usage of stranding and leaving base runners, Rebecca. I don't know if he is referring to runners in scoring position, or runners left on base, but I'm not sure he does, either.

That bastard.

Puttzy said...

He is the Madden of Nationals Commentary.

Steven said...

His voice lacks the depth and tenor necessary to provide the appropriate level of gravitas to a serious athletic endeavor.

Section 138 said...

There is also that angle, Steven. I'm not sure if I agree or disagree with you, though, because I can't find my dictionary at the moment.