Friday, August 28, 2009

Drew Storen to go sockless? GASP!

Now, we all know how much I love me some Drew Storen around these parts. (And if you don't, you can read about him here, here, here, here, aaaaand here. Wow. Maybe this is a borderline obsession... I haven't gotten the windowless white panel van yet, so I think I'm okay...)

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention by my sources (which I will not reveal, as they expressed anonymity since they were not authorized to talk to the media) that when Drew is called up to DC, he might (brace yourselves) give up the SOCKS of DOOM!! Seriously, Drew... you're a smart kid (you went to Stanford). What could possibly motivate you to go sockless?? So here it is. My argument as to why the SOCKS of DOOM! must remain.

And a never before published (on my blog, anyway) pic:

(All pictures are from pstoren's Twitter feed. Many, many thanks for putting these pics out there, btw.)

As you can see, that shit is just bad ass. We're talking ass-kicking proportions of bad assitude here. Not only do they visually kick ass though, they physically kick ass, as well. Check out Drew's stats for this year in pro ball while wearing the socks that are the killerness.

His record is 1-1 with a 2.14 ERA in 25 Games. In 33.2 IP he's given up only 20 hits, 8 runs, and 8 BB (.843 WHIP), while striking out 44. He is 9 for 9 in save opportunities and opposing batters are hitting .168 against him.

Now... when I was lucky enough to get put into my little league games (and the rules were that the coach had to play me, no matter how badly I sucked), and I had something go right (like... no balls hit my way), I never did anything to alter what I was wearing/did/didn't do/etc., while I was out there. If I had some kick ass socks, I would continue to wear said kick ass socks. Now, I'm not sure, but I think it's some kind of global baseball rule all around the universe to a) Never fuck with a positive flow, b) root for the home team (unless you're in Pittsburgh. Then you can root for anyone you choose :cough: Nats :Cough:), and c) Continue the Goddamn SOCKS of Goddamn DOOM!.

Allow me to show just how bad Drew would look without socks.

Remember this?

Would you prefer that look, or this?

It's not even close. Socked Drew destroys sockless Drew. And I'm talking by a landslide here. Just murdered. This is the most one-sided victory since the hare beat the rabbit. (Wait... I fucked that up... didn't I?) I mean, he's looking like a soup sandwich there.

And finally (I swear) Drew posted on his Twitter feed a picture of his new glove.

Yeah, like that wouldn't look just fucking devastatingly good with a Nats home uniform! I can just imagine it now...

With that, I leave it all up to you, my 6 readers. It's time for my 2nd ever poll. Please vote on the top right of the page whether you prefer socked Drew, or sockless Drew. I have it on good authority that this vote's outcome will actually dictate what Drew decides to do.*

*It absolutely does not have anything to do with what Drew will do. Unless I perfect The Force. Which I've never even taken an introductory lesson in, so I doubt I'll be able to master it.

/These are the socks you're going to wear.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Livo's return thwarted by his own bullpen.

Well, Livan Hernadez returned last night from his 2.5 year hiatus from the Nationals and threw a pretty good game. He went 6.0 innings giving up 5 hits and 2 runs. He walked 2, but struck out 6. It was a damn good performance.

When he left the game, it was tied 2-2, and with the way the offense hit the night before, I could easily see the Nats winning this game. Unfortunately, the bullpen had other fucking plans.

Bergmann came in and threw the 7th, where he gave up the go ahead run, and eventually earned the loss. (Side rant! Why in the shit does Baseball-reference call him Jay Bergmann? I've never heard anyone call him Jay. Has anyone else? I mean, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong (I'll just delete your comments, though. This ain't America... it's Section 138, dammit!), but I ain't never heard anyone call him Jay.)

And then, just to make sure the game was thoroughly out of reach, Riggles sent in (NO hip-hip) Jorge Sosa. His line? A complete mess. An almost Steven Shellian .1 IP, 4 Hits, 5 ER, 2 BB performance.

But, it was good to see Livan back out there. It brought back some good memories. I just had no idea how old the memories were. Are we talking about 2005, or 1990?? Just who was throwing last night... Livo? Or Vanilla Ice?

Check out them CHILL shaved eyebrows....

And now...

Safe to say... if there was a problem, yo Livo'll solve it. Now check out this hook while his DJ revolves it.

I'm back. Just in case... you know... anyone cared.

Greetings, puny humans! It is I, Glorph 9, and I have decided to return to your pitiful planet and release the one known as "Section 138." We arrived on this rock last Thursday and attempted to collect the species homo sapiens. We collected what we thought we needed, and ventured back to Zecforgh 69, our home planet. Why are you laughing!? Every time we told you pathetic humans our home planet name, you giggled. What's so funny about the name Zecforgh? Nothing, you say? Well, what about the name 69? Stop the laughter immediately!

We had made it 13 light years when the one called "Section 138" started bugging us. He asked for an inordinate amount of "beer" and demanded to watch something called the "Nationals" on our communication viewing device. We informed him we know not what he speaks of, when he got belligerent. He threatened to throw himself off the ship if he couldn't watch "Wil, The Hammer, Tony Plush, The Non-Human, Goggles, and DOOKS!." He started drawing curly W's on things and chanting, "Free the Bergmann" all the while. The last straw was when he went to our pilot, Hglorgh 7 and starting chanting, "Chase Utley is the devil" while punching, kicking, and spitting on him. We later found out that Hglorgh 7's skin color matches the uniform of some team known as the "Phillies."

We have returned him as he is obviously defective. I'm not sure how things are done on your planet, but back home, on Zecforgh 6... CEASE LAUGHING! Back home, we would take away the things that make our people act the fool. You might want to monitor his "Nationals" and "Beer" intake. We thinks he may over indulge.

Good Riddance, you tiny, smelly, ugly, degenerate humans!

Oh. Can anyone validate my parking?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

We all knew it was Mike Rizzo's gig all along. Right?

What a weird few days it's been for "interim" General Manager Mike Rizzo. After being drafted months ago, Rizzo finally signed the Wonder Boy on Monday night, with 77 seconds to spare. (At 11:58:43. Get your t-shirts here.) "Way to go, Mikey," I thought as I went to bed around 1 AM.
Imagine my surprise when I check my Tweets the next morning and they read like this:

tradepolicyguy Report: Dipoto Could Be Next Nats GM http://bit.ly/37IInc #nats

It boggled my mind. As the day wore on, there were a lot more reports about who else might be taking Rizzo's job. The consensus turned out to be some dude from the Arizona Diamondbacks that (get this) took Rizzo's old position after Rizzo left to come to the Nats.

misschatterRT @1067thefandc: cbsports.com writer Danny Knobler is on the Mike Wise Show right now reporting that the Nats have hired Jerry DiPoto #fb

NFA_BrianKnobler blog on Dipoto http://tinyurl.com/nj2gv8 "DiPoto has told friends in Arizona that he plans to accept the job"

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Mike Rizzo had done a great job to turn around the damn mess that the Segway riding, highlights having, bonus stealing Jimmy Bowden had left. I mean... the Dominican was a fucking mess, the bullpen was an even bigger fucking mess, and we had to go into the season with LOLastings "Bend yo' Knees" Milledge as our starting God damn center fielder! To call it a mess would be an insult to actual messes around the world. This was a debacle that only a leather pants wearing man could create.

Then, finally, cooler heads prevailed.

washtimesbbWe've confirmed Rizzo will be named the GM tomorrow--details here: http://bit.ly/r1Ntj #nats #mlb

(Excuse me for a second as I digress here... Many many props to Mark Zuckerman and Ben Goessling over at the Washington Times. They've kicked Chico Harlan's butt in breaking news, and general Nats coverage. Plus, they have a Twitter account that's updated many, many times a day. And I'm not kissing their asses either. If I were, I'd say Ben has a face and voice for T.V. Which he don't. Just watch the MASN pre-game show once or twice, and you'll see I'm right. (And I am right. Love you, Ben!))

You can catch up on all you may have missed over at Ben and Mark's blog post about the very same subject, btw.

(BTW, Many thanks to Twitter and their piece of shit servers. I started this post at 10:00 am, but couldn't grab the Twitter quotes until now cause Twitter kept going down. Dear Twitter, FEED YOUR DAMN HAMSTERS!)

And finally, I ran into Mike Rizzo this morning and chatted with him for a bit. I managed to grab one quick picture that summed up his mood throughout the entire ordeal. Bravo, Mikey Rizz. Bravo.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Nationals sign the "wonder kid," Stephen Strasburg

...And now we begin to wonder.

After a tense night that was spent harking back to last year, I'm happy to say that the Nats have signed that pitching guy who's better at hurling baseballs than Moses. At least that's what Scott Boras was telling us. After early talk of $50 Million fucking dollars, the kid was signed for $15 Million, and some change. Brian Oliver over at the always wonderfully wonderful Nats Farm broke it down for those of you like me who cannot perform math without their fingers.
It looks like this.
  • 2009: $2.6 million total ($2.5 million in bonus & $100K in pro-rated salary)
  • 2010: $4.5 million total ($2.5 million in bonus & $2 million in salary)
  • 2011: $5.0 million total ($2.5 million in bonus & $2.5 million in salary)
  • 2012: $3.0 million total (all salary)
So, after the Nats shelled out the largest contract in the history of the draft, I figured I should get to know this kid. I searched the intertubes, and found a picture.

What? That's NOT Stephen Strasburg? Shit... Lemme look again. Ahhh, here we are.

Oh, I see the difference now. This Strasburg fellow has a little bit of hair on his chiny chin chin. My mistake, sir. That gentleman in the first picture is apparently a pugilist of some sort named Joe Lauzon.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm tired from staying up until 1 AM last night to see if the dude signed. Allow me to re-use a picture I took of my cat on draft day.

That's right, lil' man! It's Strasmas! Which is just like Christmas, only Uncle Joe doesn't get obliterated and start hitting on his Niece, while ignoring Aunt Peggy. Good times.

Monday, August 17, 2009

So... just how much will it take to sign Strasburg?

Well, the rumors are out there that the Nats have made an official offer to Stephen Strasburg. The article says
[The Nats] proposed deal is worth more than Mark Prior's $10.5-million contract in 2001 and has been on the table for some time.
It also states that it is more than twice the worth of last year's #1 overall pick, who signed for $6MM. It appears to be in the ballpark of $12-15 MM according to most folks (who I'm too lazy to list).

Harlan also follows that post up with another, this time stating
The record-setting deal that the Washington Nationals have offered to No. 1 draft pick Stephen Strasburg will have to grow if Strasburg is to sign, said a source who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity of negotiations.
We all know that I'm not really into posting serious stuff, so let's just cut to the chase...

How much fucking money does a College kid with no professional experience really deserve? Hell, how much could he fucking need!?

Imagine, if you will, that the bald headed fellow below is me (which ain't a stretch). I've racked my brain to come up with another scenario that I could use to explain what Strasburg is doing, but this is the only thing I can equate the rumor of Strasburg turning down ~$15MM to


Seriously, dude. You're pissing some people off. (And by some people I mean everyone but the other non-signed first round guys and Scott Boras.)

So, let's hope that the billionaire agrees to pay the millionaire what he wants. Or, we can pray that they die simultaneously of greedy disease. I don't think that's gonna happen, though, cause if there was such thing as greedy disease the Hamburgler would've died a long time ago.

(Original (and soooo much better done) gif stolen from here. I replaced Fedor with Strasburg. The thrower I left as Dana White cause I'm bald like him. And I'm the laziest dude on the planet.)

Friday, August 14, 2009

Collin Balester's name gets demolished and more...

Sorry for taking the past couple days off. Work's been kinda rough during the day, and the new laptop I have at home has a keyboard that drives me up the Goddamn wall. The keyboard has black buttons with the letters being only kinda white, so they're hard to see. Plus, the force you have to use to push the keys is out of control. If I pretended a baby's head was my keyboard, the baby's head would cave in with the force my fingers have to use to try and get the key strokes to register. It really is a debacle of epic proportions.

Speaking of debacles of epic proportions... I was watching SportsCenter this morning before heading off to work when I stumbled upon Neil Everett doing the Nats highlights low lights. Now, I've heard Collin Balester mention how people have messed up the pronunciation of his name, but the only way I know of that they've fucked it up is by saying it in two syllables, like Bale-ster. Now, I get it... it's the Nationals and all, but dude's made 20 Major League starts. Shouldn't a SportsCenter anchor be able to pronounce... I dunno... names of the people they cover? Jesus, Neil. You even write most of your own highlights! You knew you were gonna have to say Collin's name, yet you still fucked it up. Royally.

So sorry, Collin. Maybe after you win some Cy Youngs and World Series rings, Neil Everett will pronounce your name right. But chances are... he'll still get it wrong.

The official Tyler Clippard nickname poll closed the other day with the final count being:
  • Goggles 25 votes (53%)
  • Clippard the Big Red Dog 18 votes (41%)
Tyler "Goggles" Clippard it is, folks. Thanks for taking the three seconds to click a little button. To be honest, 43 votes is about 40 more than I expected to get. (Although Carl did do some lobbying on his own behalf. Which is totally cool, btw. There's only rules when you're playing board games with youngsters, I say. Anything outside of that, feel free to cheat your ass off.)

Not sure what the next poll will be, but I'll try and think of something. (Well, I'm lying. I have an idea, but I'm not sure that the topic is something that certain people would want out in public. The thing I'm talking about could cause some serious shit to rain down. I mean, bloodshed in the streets, cars flipped over and burning, windows shattering kinda shit. Here's one hint, however... It concerns a certain relief pitcher who has the baddest ass uniform boogaloo going on this side of... the damn Universe. So, I may bounce that off someones head, but... again... I'm not sure they want rioting and maiming on their conscience.)

And finally, dudes and dudettes, I leave you with Nationals fans pointing their fingers and laughing at Kansas City and Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh may be famous for its Iron City beer, and Kansas City may be famous for its... shit... what the hell is Kansas City famous for*? Anyway, they can now be famous for having Washington Nationals fans laugh their asses off at them.

It took up until 8/14/09, but we can now say that we are better than other teams in the newest SI power poll. Hey, KC and Pittsburgh... might as well burn down your cities and start from scratch. You poor bastards.

*Full disclosure - I spent the greater portion of my childhood growing up in Nebraska, so I love, love, love the Midwest. That said, there ain't shit that the region is famous for. Well, besides tornadoes and wheat. Which ain't no Iron City beer, dammit.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Happy Birthday to Drew (Storen). Happy Birthday to Drew (Storen)...

...You look like a monkey, and smell like one too! Yay for 3rd grade Happy Birthday songs!

SOCKS! is all growed up now as he turns 22 today. What could be the greatest birthday present of all?

Close... but how about a promotion to the AA Harrisburg Senators? The story was broken by Drew's mom on Twitter last night, and I have a feeling I know what her present to Drew will be.

(Just kidding, Drew's mom!! You gave him life (which is pretty cool) and passed down the SOCKS of DOOM in your genes.)

And what is my birthday present to Drew? Well, considering he gets to play with the Left Coast Lefty (CHICO MAN!), I think that should be enough. However, since I'm in a giving mood, I will offer to have a "conversation" with Carlos Martinez about being kind enough to allow Drew to wear #26 in Harrisburg. Just let me know, Drew. My "vocabulary" is very large and persuasive, and has been known to break some kneecaps or six.

So let's join Zimm in wishing El Drew K a very happy 22nd, and congrats on the promotion to Harrisburg. (Wait... I just realised... he's getting sent to Pennsylvania. Shit. Hang in there, Drew!!! We're all pulling for you. Don't let that state drag you down, man.)

Monday, August 10, 2009

Ugh. Just ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.

For some reason, Blogger wouldn't allow me to use the post title I wanted. So, allow me to place it here.


Huh. I thought I'd feel better after writing that, but I don't.

Jordan Zimmermann is going to go under the knife and get Tommy John surgery. I doubt we'll see him until 2011, but there's a slim chance he may make it back late next year.

I'm a little pissed, and I don't think I can put my feelings into words right now. How about a couple pictures to sum it up?


This just destroys me, folks, so bear with me if I don't post in a few days. I have a date with 24 members of the Yuengling family.


It's at eight, and ain't it great! (Well, no, it's not actually.)

I racked my brain for about 35 minutes trying to come up with the cheesiest post title ever. You're all so very, very welcome.

Those damn Nats just don't know what it means to lose, as them stubborn bastards have reeled of eight wins in a row.

That's the good news. The bad news? ZNN's arm may need to be amputated, DeNo went 0-8 at the plate over the weekend, and SOCKS of DOOM! (or is it El Drew K?) walked another batter on Saturday.

I've never seen so many things go the opposite way that they should. Up is down. East is West. Right is left. The Master of Disguise is funny. I'm sober. My cats are taking this just fine.

Sorry about that. I'm super crazy busy at work, and kinda mailed that in, didn't I? I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you guys soon, I swear! Until then, feel free to read one of the best written pieces I've seen in a while. Hats off, Brian. Now, if only the waiver claim were true.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Gentleman Josh and debonair Dunn. Take III.

[Update: 8/06. It was pointed out to me that I'm an absolute moron. I spelled Clippard's name wrong in the nickname poll. It should obviously read Clippard the Big Red Dog. Stupid "L"s.]

What's that? We've done this already? Yeah, yeah. I know... but damn if this shit doesn't make me giggle. I have no clue why, either. So... for you're viewing pleasure, Misters Dunn and Willingham, once again.

Okay. That's the last of that. I swear think.

Super busy at work today, but for those of you guys that don't look at the comments, my nickname for Tyler Clippard (which is Goggles), has been challenged by Carl.

So, it is my pleasure to present to you the first ever Section 138 poll. Please vote accordingly on the top right of the page. As for rules? There are no rules. At least from me. I would imagine there are rules from blogger, but I didn't care enough to look those up. So, anyway... try and stuff the ballot boxes if you want, I have no clue if it will actually allow you. Get your friends (If, unlike me, you actually have any) to vote . Get your pets, bobble heads, and baseball cards to vote. But most of all, Goddammit, do your civic duty, and check one of those boxes yourself. Who knows... we might even get 11 votes out of this, and put it to rest for once and for all.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Rob Dibble, the King of weird guttural noises.

This post was supposed to be about Tyler Clippard, and his stellar three innings of work last night, which earned him the win. Instead, I do as I often do... digress towards nothingness. (My mind's got a mind of its own, ya know.) At the end of the game, Bob and Rob were talking about... shit I have no idea what they were talking about, actually. Anyway, Dibble goes on to butcher a Major League quote, and Bob asks him if he's Harry Doyle. Then it comes. The Dibble laugh; Which has me staring at the TV, mouth agape every time I hear him do it. It's impossible to describe, really. If I had to try, though, I'd say it's part mouse, part wheeze, and part throat spasms. I've gone on often about the words sounds Rob Dibble uses produces to describe the plays, but this laugh is always, always good for a laugh of its own. Mostly because you can picture Bob Carpenter up in the booth pouting and muttering nothings to himself as he tries to figure out how he got a monkey for a partner.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing Dibble. In fact, I rather like Dibble's homerism and excitement. And it's certainly a huge improvement upon Don Sutton, who at times last year sounded like he was... dead. Or knitting. But, when Dibbs continues to have the following sounds in his color-man vocabulary, it's hard to take him too seriously:

  • Niiiiice.
  • Smackum Yakum!
  • Niiiiice.
  • We've got a guy there.
  • Niiiiice.

(I will say this, though. He would become my hero if, after a poorly played Nats game in the future, he quotes Harry Doyle correctly and says, "This post-game show is brought to you by... Christ, I can't find it. To hell with it.")

So... props to Goggles for the 1-2-3 DP he induced when he first came in, allowing the Nats to get out of a bases loaded no out jam, and for getting the win. Well deserved, son. Now, with a half season of Major League money* under your belt, maybe you can get some Lasik. The goggles creep me (and the ladies) out.

Shit, almost forgot. I wasted more time with a craptacularly crappy video for you guys, and I posted it below. Enjoy Dibble in all of his cackling goodness.

Oh, and feel free to pretend he's aiming this particular laugh at the Arizona Diamondbacks. (Good luck with a guy who had almost twice as many walks as strikeouts this year. No, no, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what his problem is, just like the five other Major League pitching coaches he had were able to. Suckers.)

*I have zero understanding about the MLB salary system (along with most other things related to MLB), so I really don't have a clue how much Goggles is making this year. That being said, I'm sure dude can afford it.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Bill Ladson's latest mailbag? Not brimming with the usual confidence.

I've taken my shots at Billy Ladson in the past, but have left him to himself mostly this year. The reason? Well, he was being pretty consistent in doing his thing - which is hyperbole, misspellings, and blind faith. It seems that a new... less assured Bill has emerged in his latest reader mailbag, however. Let's take a look at the offerings, shall we?

Johnson was a great player and a face of the franchise, but does Aaron Thompson have a chance to make as much of an impact as Johnson?
-- David W., Potomac, Md.

BL: I think it's too early to say if Thompson will have an impact on the team. It's going to take a few years. At the same time, the Nationals are doing what team president Stan Kasten promised in 2006. The Nationals are stockpiling starting pitching and that is a good thing. No one could make that statement when the Nationals moved to Washington before the 2005 season.

What Bill is really saying: I think so, but I'm not sure.

Craig Stammen continues to struggle. They should put Tyler Clippard in the rotation and move Stammen to the bullpen. What are your thoughts?
-- Joshua, Puerto Rico

BL: I'm going to give Stammen the benefit of the doubt because he is a young pitcher and is still learning. If this were a veteran like Tim Redding or Pedro Astacio, I would be all over him and agree with what you said.

What Bill is really saying: I don't think so, but I'm not sure.

What options do the Nats currently have at first base now that Johnson is gone?
-- Mike B., Washington, D.C.

BL: Right now, Adam Dunn is the option at first base. This will be a two-month trial to show that he can play solid defense at first. I think he will do well at the position. But ask me this question again after the season. Plans may change.
What Bill is really saying: I think Adam Dunn, but I'm not sure.

It has been stated a few times that the Nats will be looking for a shortstop in the offseason, and that Cristian Guzman's defense has become suspect. Were the Nats shopping Guzman before the Trade Deadline?
-- Frank H., Washington, D.C.

BL: The Nationals were shopping almost everybody on the team, but I think Guzman will be on the team the rest of this season and next year. The Nationals don't have a shortstop to replace him right now.
What Bill is really saying: I think they were, but I'm not sure.

C'mon, Bill? Where's the brilliantly up sided projection for Aaron Thompson? Or that Stammen will turn it around and be a force to reckon with? I'm starting to think covering this team for as many years as you have has gotten you down, big guy. I don't want to see that. As much as I make fun of your writing, it's mostly because you call dudes by the wrong names. I secretly love the enthusiastic, rose-colored outlook you have!

Here's what I want you to do, Bill. Re-submit your column with your answers as follows.

Re: Aaron Thompson having as much impact as Nick Johnson:

Absolutely. I have no doubt in my mind that Aaron can be a 15 game winner, with a strikeout/walk ratio of 4:1. Anyway, they're practically the same person, in talent and name. I mean... Johnson... Thompson? It's destiny!

Re: Stammen working it out vs. being sent to the bullpen:

Stammen has all the tools to be a front end starter and I know Steve McCatty will guide him to an All-Star career. Plus, I like the cut of his jib, if you know what I mean.

Re: Options at first base:

Adam Dunn is a smasher. A basher. He is a Ripper... Tearer... Slasher... Gouger. He is the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. His is Strength... and Lust... and Power! HE IS BEOWULF THE BIG DONKEY!

Re: Did the Nats try and move Guzman before the deadline:

They did. They really did. But the best offer anyone gave the Nats was an autographed picture of Florence Henderson, a case of Caffeine-Free Coca-Cola, and a VHS copy of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Now, was that so hard? I'll tell you what, Bill. I'll be at the Arizona game on Friday. How bout you and I go grab some Five Guys? The bacon dogs are on me!