¿Señor Ciento? ¡Mucho Fuego!

With this post title, I'm shooting for the biggest butchering of a language ever. To all Spanish speaking folks out there, I'm deeply sorry. For everyone else, feel free to pretend like the title says, "Mr. 100? On Fire!"
Mr. 100[MPH], of course, is Drew Storen, aka "Señor Ciento." Aka "El Drew K." Aka "The Bearded Assassin."
He threw one inning last night, and was the pitcher of record for the top of the 11th inning, so he got the win. The kid has been an absolute beast as of late, and it just so happens he's had some man fur on his mug as of late, as well. I did some little no research, and guesstimated his beard birth to be around April 15th, or 12 games ago. His stats since then? Peep these, yo:

In this incredible run he hasn't allowed a run. Not an earned run, but a run, period. He's struck out nine, walked only two, and has allowed only seven hits, which gives him a WHIP of 0.675. Drew is just unconscious right now, and has grabbed a hold of that closer role so tight that he had to give it CPR at least four separate times. (See, cause he choked it till it passed out... cause he grabbed the closer role... grabbed... choked. GAH, forget it.)

So, without further ado, allow me to steal the gimmick of one of my favorite Nats tumblrs out there (sweetpearacer's Washington NationLOLs) with this statement that Drew gave me last night.

I, for one, welcome our new bearded overlord.*

*I also just used the most overused meme outside of Chuck Norris Facts. All I'm missing is a reference to the other Matt Groening sho- All glory to the HYPNO-DREW!

(Holy frijole, did I just mail this shit in, or did I just mail this shit in, AMIRITE?)

Sorry, Espi and.... ONE HUNDRED!?!

Okay. First, I have a confession to make. I changed my computer's wallpaper to this on Monday.

Well, since then Danny Espinosa's gone 0 for 13 with 4 strikeouts and no RBI. So, to get Espi back on track (and to pay homage to that absoloute shit show of a performance by Sean Burnett in the 9th inning last night) I'm going back to the old wallpaper.

 

Excellent. I feel a gazillion times better now. I really don't want to talk too much about last night's game, mostly because I think Drew should have been out to start the 9th inning... but I will say this. I have a hunch... a very large hunch... That Drew was steaming in the pen about not getting his name called. The steam continued to boil as he saw Burnett blow up. He gets his name called, and what does he do?

He just strikes out David Wright to end the shamockery. Oh, yeah, he also hit 100 MPH according to the MASN gun. The radio guys said he hit 100 on two separate guns, as well (hat tip to Pam Storen for that, btw).

Did he really throw that hard? Meh, who really cares. The point is this:

Drew is the kind of guy that wants that ball in the pressure situation, and he can ramp his stuff up to meet, or exceed the needs of that situation. You need a heater, located up in the zone, with some extra cheese on that? Done.

It sure is dusty in here...

As I write this, my eyes are a little damp. Must be all this goddamn dust floating around that's making my eyes water.

Ladies and Gentlemen, our boy did it! I present to you, Drew Storen's first ever Major League line from his first Major League game:

Drew came in with a man on 1st and one out. He got the first batter to fly out to left field, and then broke out THE HAMMER OF UNFORGIVING DESTRUCTION onto poor Matt Holliday, striking that guy out.

Which brings me to the next subject. Did you know Baseball-reference has Matt Holliday's nickname as being "Big Daddy?" Well, what about Drew's nickname? We had the poll back last year on whether or not Drew should keep his SOCKS OF DOOM. You guys voted, and the outcome was 45-2 in favor of him keeping the socks. Well, he didn't keep the socks, as we all know, so the nickname post I had went in vain. Or did it...?? No, in the comments came a nickname suggestion that I've used every now and then, and one his family admitted to using in the past (although I can't find that link right now). So, in honor of the *huge* strike out on Holliday last night, I bestow upon Drew Storen the unofficial nickname of:

El Drew K

Hey, it's a helluva lot better than what I was going to call him after he broke my heart by ditching the socks (Meanie Bo-Beanie was tops, with Stupid Doo-Doo Head coming in a close second). Speaking of which.. as I was watching Drew, I couldn't help but sing this song as though I were a three-year-old child holding a grudge:

But you're our fool, Drew. And that's what really matters. Now how about you reward us by drilling Utley the first time you face him? Then you'll really get some loving. Unwanted, grotesque, stalker-ish loving, but loving all the same.

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

Except... you aren't. No, you're not the object of Dr. Seuss' wildly cliched popular book given at the beginning of life after ending your education. Nope, you're Drew Storen and the book you're given after your first Spring Training is titled, "Oh, the Places Drew'll Go Back To Needlessly Before the Places You Should Go!"

Look, the stats are there, and this quote is there.

"I've said it the whole time: We're going to play the best 25 guys that give us the best chance to win," Rizzo said.

Yet Drew isn't there. Where is there? In Major League camp and on his way North with the club outta spring training. Others have touched on the subject, and I fear that if I start down the road of justifying Drew's spot in the bullpen any more, I'll end up storming down Half St. with a flaming pitch fork, war paint, and screaming, "Off with Rizzo's fucking head!" So I'll leave it at this: My hunch is Drew is going to have to baby sit Stras through AA and AAA. Drew has already been in the Minors, and can help Stras in his tour down there. Is it fair? Fuck and no. Is it reality? Fuck and yes.
So, Drew, your first stop on the Places You'll Go? Hagerstown, MD, home of the Hagerstown Suns. Hagerstown is also the home of... nothing else. (Click pictures to enlarge.)

Yes, Drew, I hope you had fun in BFE, and hopefully you won't have to return.

The next stops on the Drew Express? Click "Read more" to see.

My Nats stalking week. Always fun.

So, I got yelled at by someone who reads this shit that I haven't posted enough. I told them to follow me on Twitter, cause that's where I do most of my Nats talk. (twitter.com/section138) They reminded me that they have a microwave from the 1980s, and that there was no way they were going to ever learn what the hell Twitter was, let alone follow me on it.
I also got yelled at by someone who does follow me on Twitter that tweeting shouldn't be a replacement for my blog. So, after telling my mom to get off my back and out the basement (This is my space, mom!), I'm finally finishing a post I started weeks ago.
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Well, it was the Nationals Winter Caravan (Should that all be capitalized? I'm feeling like Screech's Best Friend here...) last week, and I managed to hit a couple stops to harass meet the guys. First up was a trip to Tysons Corner mall to meet Drew Storen, Ryan Speier, and Danny Espinosa. (Oh, Riggles and Dibble were there too.) I was fucking around at work earlier that day trying to figure out what to get Drew to sign. A pair of red socks? Too obvious. My breast(s)? Too creepy (and probably too punch-in-the-face inducing). How about a picture of how goddamn sweet he would look if he kept his socks? Meh, I was done thinking at that point, so that worked for me.
We hit the mall and found the guys in the front of the Build A Bear workshop looking really excited to be there. Seriously. They did. Anyway, first up was Drew Storen, and my wife introduced herself and handed him a baseball to sign. This ball's been signed by quite a few guys and all in ink. Drew only had a sharpie. He said he didn't want to ruin the ball, and asked for someone to get him a pen. Well, no one could find a pen, so to bide some time I handed him the picture I had printed out and asked him to sign it with his sharpie. He smiled a bit, gladly signed it, and shook my hand. Good kid. Good cuff-links, too. At this point there was still no sign of a ball point pen, and there were about ten people behind us. I was feeling bad, so I said to Drew, "You know... Luke Montz' signature is on the ball, so you really can't ruin it any more than it is [by using sharpie]." I'm not sure if he heard me right, though, because at that point he laughed. (Are ball players allowed laugh at people ragging on other ball players? Is there a whole un-written code book out there for this shit?) We finally scored a pen, Drew signed the wife's ball, and I bid him farewell. I highly regret not giving him any shit about ditching the socks, but I didn't want the guy to have me escorted out of the Build A Bear. I'm pretty sure they make you register on some kind of offender list for that.
I met Speier, and shot the shit with him about Radford. I asked him if he went there because of it's reputation as a party school, and he said, "No. Not really." I told him he could tell me... really. Who else am I gonna tell? The four people that read this? C'mon, seriously. He then admitted that the reputation the school had gotten in the 90s for being a party school was gone by the time he got there. I asked him when the hell he graduated. He said 2001. I then realized I'm an old ass bastard. Sigh. Oh... also... he's tall. We're talking Chewbacca tall here. Not as hairy, though.
Next up was Danny Espinosa, who I like a lot (and holy shit... I just did a search of my blog to link to the posts where I've talked about him. It came up empty. This is a travesty of the highest proportion, and I will see to it that whomever is responsible be killed). So, I'm chatting him up a little, but I get distracted. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my wife talking to Rob Dibble. She'd gotten Storen, Speier, and Espi to sign her ball, and now Dibbs is reaching out for it so he can sign it. I turn to watch what's happening, and the next thing I know, the wife pulls the fucking ball away from Dibble. She instead reaches for one of the signed photos every person has in front of them, and moves on to talk to Jim Riggleman.

100% true story, and the reason why, at that very moment, I knew I had chosen the right person to spend the rest of my life with. Love you, sweetie!

Now, here's the picture that I had Drew sign that is now framed and hanging in my office. Right at eye level so I can see it and talk to it. All. Day. Long.



I saw some more dudes at White Flint mall later that week, and got to get Clippard to sign something else I had made, but I'll make that another post. Right now, I gotta... well... I don't really have to do anything, but I know how much I hate reading. And if you guys hate reading things one quarter as much as I hate reading things then... well... you quit long ago.

So... about that AFL squad...

Well, I was all set to see two Nats prospects play in the AFL Rising Stars Game last Saturday. Then, word came out that Stephen Strasburg was pulled from the start because of a neck injury. Given that he's now a National, and injuries only prove horribly horrible, I decided to dig into the issue, and see what the real deal was. I traveled to Arizona (In my mind! Beat that, Uri Geller!) and back in time (Take that, Doc Brown!) to see the throwing session that caused Stras the injury. I must warn you... if you have small children reading this blog, you may want to have them turn away. And you may want to reconsider your parenting model. I'm not sure I would subject my kid to "shit goddamn" as often as it is uttered here. Anyway... onto the film...

Gah! SHIT GODDAMN! But hey, I hear this Strasburg kid is tough, so maybe he can just rub some dirt on it and he'll be okay.

But, it wasn't all bad for the Nats in the Future Stars game. My bestest buddy, Drew Storen, made an appearance. It's justtoo bad the home plate umpire decided not to show up, though. Drew came into the game in the bottom of the 8th with his squad up one run. He battled the first hitter, throwing at least 7 pitches to the guy, if my shitty memory is correct. He had the dude 2-2, and absolutely froze him on a breaking ball. Perfect pitch. I swear. Check it below.



Am I right? It may appear to be a tad low, but the ball passes the plate before the catcher catches it. I'm convinced Blue screwed the pooch on this call. I froze the video at the point I feel the ball crossed the plate.



Those that have followed this blog since the beginning are insane know that I umpired everything from 7 year olds, to Varsity, to wood bat Travel Leagues. In the words of some of the parents that got me to eventually quit umpiring, "Fuck you, Blue! - It's all about you, Blue! - Way to rob my son, Blue! - If my kid commits suicide over this, Blue, I'm gonna fucking hunt you down and kill you!" (Seriousness alert! - All but the last one I actually heard directed towards me. Mostly in NOVA Varsity games. What's with these parents these days?)

Anyway, Even if the ball crossed the plate where the catcher caught it, I still feel the tip of the ball touched the bottom of the zone. What happened next? The batter hit a weak sauce infield single to the second baseman, who couldn't get a handle on it. Then up stepped the catcher, Matt McPoopy, who hit (sorry, Drew) a grooved fastball over the left field wall for a 2R HR. I can only assume McStupid was looking fastball, and Storen gave him one up in the zone. The good news? Drew acted like a goddamn closer should, shook it off, and got the next three batters out in a row with a ground out, and two Ks. Atta boy, Drew. Even if you did do it in long-ass soup-sandwich looking pants. I can look past a player crushing my hopes and dreams if it means betterment of the team. Hell, if I cared too much about every time something crushed me, I would've been dead when Shawshank was robbed at the 1994 Oscars. (Fuck you, Forrest Gump!)

Today is also GOLDEN WEDNESDAY! The NL Gold Glove awards are announced, and Zim should certainly be heading home with the 3rd base trophy. What's that? Derek Jeter won for AL SS yesterday?

Fuck.

So... about that leave of absence there...

Yeah, it's been a little while... sorry about that. But I have an excuse!

You ever been married? How about engaged? If you said yes, you probably remember well how a bunch of people came up to you to tell you the one secret to a successful marriage. "Never go to bed angry," they said. You know why? Cause it's true! You know why it's true? Because when you sleep, you're most vulnerable!

My last post was Friday, September 25th. You know why? Cause that night, the wife and I went to bed angry with each other. What happened next*? I woke up with a knife handle sticking out of my chest. Crazy broad had stabbed me with a 12" butcher knife and missed my heart by inches.

I had to fall out of bed and army crawl down the stairs, aided by nature's natural lubricant - blood. I got to the phone and called the po-po. Went to the hospital, got all patched up, and now I'm back and ready to get back to blogging life. (Oh, I also have a titanium plate in my chest that I can use to fuck up dudes. I can just grab their heads and ::BAM:: slam it into my chest. I'm still deciding on my superhero name.) I'm telling you, folks, it was a harrowing tale that will soon be told on the scariest show on TV, BIO's "I Survived." (Seriously, have you seen that shit? Un-fucking-real! Whenever I watch it I end up locking all the doors, and double fisting lethal objects. I also get my dogs all worked up so that if someone breaks in, they're ready to tear some meat from some bones.)

[*Small, wee, tiny confession - None of the above is true. Well, I Survived is still the scariest show on TV, and I do whip my dogs into flesh ripping frenzies while watching, but the whole wife stabbing me thing? Yeah, made that up. Look... I just lost track of time. I didn't have anything to blog about one day. Then.. one day turned into two, then five, then... I'm really sorry about that, and I cry myself to sleep every night, I'm just so damn torn up about it. I was embarrassed so I made up that story above to cover for me. But I'm back. And things will be better than ever, you'll see! And, sweetie... if you're reading this? Love you, sugar bear! Happy three days since our first anniversary! Sorry about calling you a crazy broad!]

So, what did I miss while I was away?

Oh. Yeah. Drew Storen has turned to the dark side. Witness him on the left below, next to some other Nats pitcher who's supposed to be pretty good himself. (And shows socks!)


Yep. Despite us socks folks out-voting the pants folks 53-3, I have it on good authority that Drew has turned to a pair of Manny pants. Drew, Drew, Drew. You know who else wears Manny pants?

The Spice Girls

Hobos

And Brett Myers, Drew. BRETT MYERS!!!

I'll still read your new blog posts over at NatsTown, and I'll still root for you when you're throwing, but I will not.. nay, I could not... root for your pants, sir. Unless you put Chase Utley on his ass the first three times you face him. Then? We'd be cool. We'd. Be. Cool. /Winks realllly exaggerated and slow like.

(Photo of Drew in the Hobo pants courtesy the Twitter feed of the always great Pam Storen.)

Heard enough about Drew Storen from me yet?

Sure, sure... I could talk about yet another elbow injury to a starting pitcher, this time to Craig Stammen, but I won't. And, sure... I could talk about the race to see who gets to draft Bryce Harper, but I won't.

Nope. It's time for that good old fallback, Mr. Drew Storen.

(Drew... at this point, if I were you, I'd be looking at this page for advice on filing a restraining order. I'd suggest keeping me 25 yards away at all times.)

Drew posted this on his Twitter feed the other day, and I'd forgotten all about it.

I wish I could pitch with maximus's helmet (were watching gladiator on the bus). I feel like it would add at least 4 mph.11:38 PM Aug 27th from Twitterrific

And, since it's a three day weekend, work is beyond dead today. The parking lot is 1/2 full, and there ain't shit to do, as I've gotten all of seven emails today (five of those from our server monitoring bot). So, I decided to screw around (badly) and make more Drew Storen Paint pictures. Lucky you! Weeeee!

I now present to you, Drew Maximus Decimus Meridius Storen. (I had to look that up, by the way. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing the dude from Gladiator's full name. Okay, that might be a little creepy. Like that friend of mine that got all pissed at me for saying the Ewoks lived on Endor. He got all freaked out and started screaming.
Him: "They lived on Endor's MOON, not Endor itself!"
Me: "Jesus, it's not like I just stabbed your baby with pencils and shit, it's just Star Wars."
Him: "It was Return of the Jedi, and don't you belittle my people!")

Anyway...

Here's Hagerstown Drew Maximus (Which, I admit, looks a little shitty. Click it for a bigger pic, though, and it looks better still looks like shit.)



Here's what the batter would see, with his knees all shaking, and pee dribbling down his leg. (I'm talking about you, Chase Utley!)



And finally, once the Nats see just how kick ass awesome this shit is, they get one custom made for Drew. It comes complete with a curly W and a voice changing device that makes him talk like Russell Crowe's character from Gladiator crossed with that dude from 300. "This... Is... Nats Town!"

Nats knocked out of the playoffs, the AFL, and more Dibble hate.

Well, folks... with yesterday's Nats loss and last night's SF Giants win, the Nats were officially knocked out of the playoff race. Crushing, I know. But hey... at least you can spend the money you were saving to use on the 2009 playoff tickets now! Maybe buy one of these?


Yes indeed. That marvelous picture, signed by that Soup Nazi guy himself, can be yours for only $199.95 (plus shipping and handling). Congrats on that investment!

(Is that signature the actors name, or is it the Soup Nazi character's name in the show??)

I have no excuses for not posting this week. I was just lazy. Pure and simple. L-A-Z-Y. Maybe it's the three day weekend that's coming up? Who knows? All I know is that I'm forgetting this week when I have to fill out by self performance review later this month. (Actually, I'm just gonna cut and paste last year's self review into this one. But... shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

Two things that I really did want to write about where the September call ups (the active roster's get expanded from the regular 25 up to as many as 40), and the Arizona Fall League. But you know what? Yup... you got it. I'm a lazy bastard, so you'll get a half-assed effort on one of them, and like it.

I'm gonna pick the Arizona Fall League (known as the AFL from here on out, cause... again.. I'm lazy), so you're on your own with the call ups. But.. I will throw out Brian Oliver's post on the subject, which is a must read, as most of his stuff is. All I know is, since they called up Detwiler in 2007, they better call up Drew Storen. Drew signed early, has motored up the ladder, AND he's gonna throw in the AFL, so he deserves it. (He's also rooming with the 6'8" Jesse Estrada. And anyone rooming with a giant is certainly taking one for the team. I mean... aren't giants cannibals, and shit? What happens if Jesse gets hungry in the middle of the night? Is he gonna walk to the kitchen, or is he just gonna chew some fingers off the hand of the dude next to him? They're like Vienna Sausages to him.)

I got married last October (10/18, actually. Please feel free to send Anniversary gifts. My email's on the top right of the page. The wife appreciates it.) in the wonderful city of Phoenix, AZ. My wife's family is from there, and my parents have moved to Tucson, about 2 hours away. It was a wonderful time (even though it topped 90 degrees on the wedding day. I barley noticed, though, as I was so god damn petrified excited.), but I do have one regret. You see, watching an AFL Nats game was on my to do list. I really wanted to check out Ian Desmond and Ross Detwiler, specifically, but really root for all the kids in the Nats organization. Bill Rhinehart is a U of Arizona guy, too, so that would have been cool. (My wife and my dad graduated from there.)

But, it didn't come to be. I was either too busy with the rehearsal, or making sure all my friends made it okay, or getting everything situated. There was one person who I invited to the wedding that did make it to a game or two, though. (You know that one person that always brings up the thing you missed out on whenever he can? Sure enough, every time Ross Detwiler started for the Nats this year, I seemed to find myself at the same bar as my friend. Sure enough, as soon as Ross was introduced on the TV, my friend would always say, "You know, I saw him throw in the AFL last year. Hey, weren't you supposed top be there?") To this day, it's the only thing I wish I could do over again from my entire wedding experience. (Well, that and getting a lil' teary eyed when I saw my wife in her dress walking up the aisle. Thank the Lord I had my best man (and best brother) with me, who promptly put his knee in my leg and said, "man the fuck up.")

Jesus I just rambled on there, didn't I? My bad! Moral of the story... if you have the opportunity to make it out to the AFL, do it. Especially this year with Drew, Strasburg, Danny Espinosa, Chris Marrero, and Derek Norris on the roster. That's a fucking stacked team right there. If I didn't already have plans in Charlotte, NC, I'd be there in a heart beat.

And real quick, I wanted to link again to a great Kevin Reiss post. All of the post is great, but he's 108% spot on about Rob Dibble. I think he finally put his finger on just what it is about Dibble that irritates people to the point of shoving objects into their ears. And so... I dedicate this next video to Kevin, and all you Dibble sufferers out there. May peace be with you poor, poor bastards.

Rob "niiiiiiiiiice" Dibble from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Shocking pictures of Drew Storen with long pants revealed! Flood watch from tears expected.

You know what? I'm just gonna rename the blog "Storen Nation (as viewed from Twitter and beyond)."

Why? Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that six of the last 21 posts of mine have been devoted to Drew. Or, more-so, devoted to Drew's socks.

And... I continue that trend with a new Drew Storen SOCKS of DOOM! post. It is with a heavy heart, and millions of tears flowing down my cheeks, that I post this picture*. It's like when Brad and Jennifer broke up all over again. (sob.)


Who is that guy with the wicked leg kick, but awful pants? Wait for it...


GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! My God, Drew! Think of your fans. Like this little guy here...


At last check, the vote was 45 people for the SOCKS of DOOM!, and only two against. You know why? Because cool mother fuckers rock the socks, that's why. Like... well, The Non-Human.

That stud Lou Gehrig

And some dude named Cy fricking Young.

You know why only two people have voted to lose the socks? Because they're EVIL, that's why. Look at all these evil people that wear pants. Like... The DEVIL!!!

Saddam Hussein (when he can find them).

And the worst of all.... Chase ASS HAT! Utley (Ugh. I get a chill down my spine anytime someone even mentions his name. Seriously. Just look at that smug shit below. You know he drowns kittens and puppies when he's not busy breaking catcher's legs. Nice fake dirt stains, Chase.)



Seriously, Drew. Don't make me actually have to drive to Harrisburg to... well, to beg and plead while on my knees crying. My wife thinks I'm all grown up, and that would set me back a few years in her eyes.

(*Pants pictures complements of the always awesomely awesome Pam Storen. You can read the article yourself here (starts on page 23). It's actually a good story. Except for, you know, the whole no socks thing.)

Drew Storen to go sockless? GASP!

Now, we all know how much I love me some Drew Storen around these parts. (And if you don't, you can read about him here, here, here, here, aaaaand here. Wow. Maybe this is a borderline obsession... I haven't gotten the windowless white panel van yet, so I think I'm okay...)

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention by my sources (which I will not reveal, as they expressed anonymity since they were not authorized to talk to the media) that when Drew is called up to DC, he might (brace yourselves) give up the SOCKS of DOOM!! Seriously, Drew... you're a smart kid (you went to Stanford). What could possibly motivate you to go sockless?? So here it is. My argument as to why the SOCKS of DOOM! must remain.

And a never before published (on my blog, anyway) pic:



(All pictures are from pstoren's Twitter feed. Many, many thanks for putting these pics out there, btw.)

As you can see, that shit is just bad ass. We're talking ass-kicking proportions of bad assitude here. Not only do they visually kick ass though, they physically kick ass, as well. Check out Drew's stats for this year in pro ball while wearing the socks that are the killerness.

His record is 1-1 with a 2.14 ERA in 25 Games. In 33.2 IP he's given up only 20 hits, 8 runs, and 8 BB (.843 WHIP), while striking out 44. He is 9 for 9 in save opportunities and opposing batters are hitting .168 against him.

Now... when I was lucky enough to get put into my little league games (and the rules were that the coach had to play me, no matter how badly I sucked), and I had something go right (like... no balls hit my way), I never did anything to alter what I was wearing/did/didn't do/etc., while I was out there. If I had some kick ass socks, I would continue to wear said kick ass socks. Now, I'm not sure, but I think it's some kind of global baseball rule all around the universe to a) Never fuck with a positive flow, b) root for the home team (unless you're in Pittsburgh. Then you can root for anyone you choose :cough: Nats :Cough:), and c) Continue the Goddamn SOCKS of Goddamn DOOM!.

Allow me to show just how bad Drew would look without socks.

Remember this?


Would you prefer that look, or this?


It's not even close. Socked Drew destroys sockless Drew. And I'm talking by a landslide here. Just murdered. This is the most one-sided victory since the hare beat the rabbit. (Wait... I fucked that up... didn't I?) I mean, he's looking like a soup sandwich there.

And finally (I swear) Drew posted on his Twitter feed a picture of his new glove.


Yeah, like that wouldn't look just fucking devastatingly good with a Nats home uniform! I can just imagine it now...



With that, I leave it all up to you, my 6 readers. It's time for my 2nd ever poll. Please vote on the top right of the page whether you prefer socked Drew, or sockless Drew. I have it on good authority that this vote's outcome will actually dictate what Drew decides to do.*




*It absolutely does not have anything to do with what Drew will do. Unless I perfect The Force. Which I've never even taken an introductory lesson in, so I doubt I'll be able to master it.

/These are the socks you're going to wear.

Happy Birthday to Drew (Storen). Happy Birthday to Drew (Storen)...

...You look like a monkey, and smell like one too! Yay for 3rd grade Happy Birthday songs!

SOCKS! is all growed up now as he turns 22 today. What could be the greatest birthday present of all?




Close... but how about a promotion to the AA Harrisburg Senators? The story was broken by Drew's mom on Twitter last night, and I have a feeling I know what her present to Drew will be.


(Just kidding, Drew's mom!! You gave him life (which is pretty cool) and passed down the SOCKS of DOOM in your genes.)

And what is my birthday present to Drew? Well, considering he gets to play with the Left Coast Lefty (CHICO MAN!), I think that should be enough. However, since I'm in a giving mood, I will offer to have a "conversation" with Carlos Martinez about being kind enough to allow Drew to wear #26 in Harrisburg. Just let me know, Drew. My "vocabulary" is very large and persuasive, and has been known to break some kneecaps or six.

So let's join Zimm in wishing El Drew K a very happy 22nd, and congrats on the promotion to Harrisburg. (Wait... I just realised... he's getting sent to Pennsylvania. Shit. Hang in there, Drew!!! We're all pulling for you. Don't let that state drag you down, man.)

It's at eight, and ain't it great! (Well, no, it's not actually.)

I racked my brain for about 35 minutes trying to come up with the cheesiest post title ever. You're all so very, very welcome.

Those damn Nats just don't know what it means to lose, as them stubborn bastards have reeled of eight wins in a row.

That's the good news. The bad news? ZNN's arm may need to be amputated, DeNo went 0-8 at the plate over the weekend, and SOCKS of DOOM! (or is it El Drew K?) walked another batter on Saturday.

I've never seen so many things go the opposite way that they should. Up is down. East is West. Right is left. The Master of Disguise is funny. I'm sober. My cats are taking this just fine.



Sorry about that. I'm super crazy busy at work, and kinda mailed that in, didn't I? I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you guys soon, I swear! Until then, feel free to read one of the best written pieces I've seen in a while. Hats off, Brian. Now, if only the waiver claim were true.

Cue the locust infestation in 3...2....1 (Drew Storen brings about the apocalypse).

I don't remember reading about baseball in the Book of Revelations as a kid, so I'm hazy on the exact details... That being said, I'm pretty sure Drew Storen giving up a walk was in there somewhere.

It finally happened in the eighth inning last night in Potomac's win over the "Dash" of Winston-Salem. (Seriously? The Winston-Salem Dash? Like one of these: "—"? Ooooo-kay then.) Drew was brought in with his team up 2-1. He got two straight ground outs, and then it happened. He walked this dude named C.J. Lang. Now, I didn't see the game, so I can't swear on this... but I'm pretty sure C.J. is 4'2". I mean.. c'mon... how are you supposed to pitch to that? The next batter, a 7'3" 375 lb. beast of a man named Dale Mollensomething, hit a double to drive in a run. Tie ballgame. Drew figured he'd accomplished what he set out to do (more on that in a bit), and got the next guy to fly out.

It was an eerie feeling in the Section 138 household right then. We weren't listening or following the game, but we all felt something. You know how dogs and cats can sense upcoming earthquakes and shit? Well, one of my cats was going nuts. Just bat-shit insane. He was crying and staring at me, very much frightened like. I asked him what was wrong, and he just moaned... "Dreeeeeeew. DREEEEEEEEW." I jumped on the internets and saw the news of the walk. The cat could sense something wasn't right with me, and I was so fearful of breaking the news to the lil' guy. I did, though, and after I was done he sobbed out in his little voice...



So they go to the bottom of the eighth, with Drew as the pitcher of record. The P-Nats don't fuck around, and score the go ahead run. Drew comes back out for the top of the 9th, and knew he had the Winston-Salem — right where he wanted them. He purposely walked that dude to instill false hope in all the — players. That crafty son of a bitch! They sure do make 'em smart out there at Stanford.

Drew does what he does, getting out of the 9th w/out allowing a runner to reach base, while striking one of the — out. Drew ended up with his first Carolina League win, and he and his teammates went on to celebrate like it was 2009. Final score: Potomac Nationals 3, Winston-Salem — 2.

And now, to put this matter to rest (or try to, anyway). I present the official* Drew Storen nickname list. We shall choose from this list the name that Drew will come to be known as. Pick wisely, as this could scar the guy for life.

• Short panted long socked throwing person
  
• Socks
• Dude with the flat brimmed hat
  
• Capris
• Stockings
• That reliever guy from Stanford
• Hose
• Amazing leg coverings guy
• Stocks
• And the incredibly amazing entry of... El Drew K

As always, you guys can offer up more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to purchase some pitch forks at Home Depot. The storming of Nationals Park will begin at 4PM sharp if Rizzo doesn't make any moves to improve this squad. If I don't see you at the storming, wanna meet up at the burning at the stake after? Just drop me a line.

*This list is as official as Tibet being part of China. Which is to say, it's bullshit.

Adam Dunn: Gentleman Extraordinaire! And a Drew Storen nickname update.

I had a good buddy of mine (The Doctor, who comments often) point this out to me yesterday. It appears that whenever either Adam Dunn or Josh Willingham do something good (say, hit a home run, or "Code Red" Flop in the home team clubhouse of Miller Park), Mr. Dunn insists upon shaking Josh's hand.

Evidence of this comes in the form of a crappy ass video that I spent 3 hours making into the wee hours of the night last night. It's a piece of shit, and I hope you're a good reader, cause the title pages fly by pretty quick, but overall, I had fun. (Not enough to ever... and I mean EVER do it again, though.) So... kick back, relax, and enjoy!

Josh and Adam are Fancy Pants gentlemen. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Not to be outdone by my marvelous video production, however, is this new addition to the Drew Storen nickname list. It came from an anonymous commenter back on my July 22 Drew Storen post. Revel in all it's glory:

Seems obvious to me. 22 Ks in his last 11 innings with one hit and no walks.

"El Drew K"

God Damn that's good. If I can ever get an hour or two to get all the nickname suggestions for Drew together, I'll make that it's own post.

2:05 game today, folks. The Nats are facing Yovani Gallardo who, even though he attended a high school known to produce... umm... not the brightest students (Example A: This picket sign), is actually quite astute in the pitching department. As the great Crash Davis once said, "don't think Meat, just throw." He'll have to throw his ass off if he hopes to avoid any handshaking today. Go get him, boys!

A Drew Storen 'socks watch' update

Thanks to this twit pic from Pam Storen (Who I will go out on an incredible limb on and say is related to Drew), I can confirm the status of those damn fine socks of Drew's. Ladies and Gentlemen...



THEY LIVE!! Sweet baby Jesus in heaven! This has brought a huge smile to my face, and I know it did to you as well. Again, many thanks to Pam Storen, and her Twitter feed for the pic.

Oh, and a quick update on Drew's debut in Potomac... He got the save by pitching two innings and allowing 0 runs. He struck out the side in the 8th inning (but of course), and got two ground balls to retire the side in the 9th (first batter singled, second hit into a 4-6-3 DP).

Keep this up, and you may just earn yourself a nickname, Mr. Storen. (We can't call him 'Socks' though, cause that was a cat from the White House, I believe. How about... 'Stockings', 'Hoser', or 'Incredible Man With the Amazing Leg Coverings'?)

Drew Storen? Not too shabby, my friends.

So... the number 10 overall pick, Drew Storen, closer from Stanford, just got the call up to Potomac. And it's really is happening with Drew, unlike poor poor DeNo, whose promotion never happened.

After a rough couple of games to start (He gave up five hits and three ER in his first two games) he's been lights out his last few (0 hits, 0 ER in his last five games). Actually, I managed to throw together this piece of crap Excel spreadsheet to break down every one of his 11 appearances so far. (I got yelled at for that Hanrahan breakdown where I used pencil and paper. Well, Doctor, suck on this here spreadsheet!) [Edit: Really, Blogger? You have me import my Excel doc through Google Docs, only to cut off some of the right side? I used to think you (Google) were like Chipotle. Now... you're like Baja Fresh to me. Take that! (Oh.. and you can place your mouse in the doc and use the scroll wheel if you want.)]

As you can see, Drew (Who's on his own for a nickname, btw... Unless some of you guys can figure one out. I'm still wiped from the 6 hour brain storming session I had to create Derek's nickname of DeNo.) has some mind-boggling shit going on.... especially that part of his line that says 0 BB, 26 K.

I'll just throw some other numbers out at you, courtesy of his baseball-reference.com page.

(Speaking of which, try something. Oh, c'mon... don't whine like that, you guys. I don't ask you to do much. Seriously... just try this one thing. Go to baseball-reference.com, and throw Drew's name into the search box. What did you guys get? That's right... 0 hits for that search. What the fuck is that? It's like the fucking black hole of baseball-reference. It's like Drew's page is an Easter egg on your DVD. When I finally hunted down his page, I felt like I won the goddamn lottery. It was like following a treasure map, only the treasure map was the shittiest treasure map ever made. It's a thrilling process, though. It really is.)

Opponents are batting .193 against him, he's got a WHIP of .750, and has struck out 44% of the dudes he's faced. He has thrown 5 WP, but has yet to give a batter a free pass (Well, except those two guys he hit. But they probably said something about him being all brain and no arm since he went to Stanford, so he plunked them. Or made fun of him not having an easily accessible baseball-reference.com page. Who knows?). He's averaging 6.8 hits per 9 innings, and 16 strike outs per 9 innings. I mean, really, seriously. That's insane.

Here is the part where I would normally post a picture of Drew, and point out all the cool shit about him, but... there's a problem. There's not one single fucking picture of him in a Suns uniform on the entire interwebs. Seriously! You can find plenty of Stanford pics, but no pro ones. I came across this video which shows him from the waist up, and he really comes off well in the interview portion, but we never see the important stuff. You know... like if he's still sporting the fucking socks of doom!

In closing... Mr. Storen, sir... Please please please keep the socks. Oh, and can't you do something for DeNo? Tell Coach Jewett that you have some kind of anxiety issue where you need to throw to Derek. It's all the rage these days.

Oh, I also didn't forget about my lady readers. You lucky gals can click here for a shirtless Drew. Don't say I never do anything for you two (or three... female readers may amount to three now).

And lastly (I swear), if you just can't wait for a Drew Storen baseball card, hop on over to this here site and peep their card. It's just like the real thing. Only not.