Well, these are just some fantastic specimens.

Great googly moogly! Get a load of these stunning calves, everyone!

Well, that's embarrassing. Not only is that not the picture I wanted, I'm not even sure why that picture is on my hard drive.

Great googly moogly! Get a load of these stunning calves, everyone!

"Meeeeee-oww!" (That's what Steve McCatty said when he say Strassy's calves. Cause, you know... McCatty... Catty... Cat... Cat Call... Meow! Oh, forget it. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.)

Anywho, just thought I'd drop a post every year or so to keep you guys on your toes. Now, where were we?

Nats! Spring Training! Greatest season in the history of seasons last year! Playoffs! Playoffs :( 

By the way, you all stepped up LARGE at Natsfest giving Drew a standing O like you did. You're some classy fuckers, you know that? You know what? This seems like a good spot to end this post. I want to echo every one you by saying: (5 minute Photoshop? Ain't nobody got time for that! Today, I'm debuting the 2 minute Photoshop! And I apologize.) 

Now, go out there in 2013, kick some ass, and chew some bubblegum, guys. That's goes to all of you, fans and players, not just Drew.

Stephen Strasburg was erred by the scamp in blue!

Hi, ladies and germs. Miss me? Really? Well, I didn't miss you either, so there.

/Sobs in the corner while petting Danny Espinosa's bobblehead.

So, Stephen Strasburg (the latest member of the high profile Opening Day Starter club) pitched in yesterday's ballgame against the Mets. He was cruising along, you know, all Stras-like, when he ran into Lucas Duda HP umpire Hunter Wendelstedt. Stevie Stras had Lucas Duda 1-2 and threw a nasty breaking ball to strike him out. Only he didn't. Wendelstedt was too busy lighting his crack pipe to see the pitch, and called it a ball. You can guess what happened next, right? You got it. Home run. Hunter Wendelstedt 1, Washington Nationals 0.

A written description of these events really doesn't do it justice, so I made my first video of 2012. Hooray! Bully! Huzzah! (Come on, folks. Can you at least act interested? Sigh...) So, without further ado, I present to to, the worst call in the history of calls*.



As you saw, that ball was right down the middle. I mean, Strasburg starts heading off the mound, and Duda starts heading to the dugout, for Christ's sake!

Okay, I'm doing this post as a drive-by, so I'm outta here. Be on the look out for new posts soon, as well as a new shirt! Here's a hint - It's Gio Gonzalez. (That hint was for any Phillies fans that read this blog. I didn't want you all to have to waste half a day trying to figure out a harder hint.) Adios, muchachos!

*I apologize for the shakiness of the video. I had to hold up the camera and record the TV, cause, well, that's how I roll. I asked for a teeny tripod for Christmas, but no one got me it. Maybe I'll ask Hunter Wendelstedt for one, cause he appears great at granting people wishes. I guess I just need to write him that wishlist on Mets letterhead.

Holy Jesus. Not again. Ugh.

Well, one year and 17 days from the last Tommy John post I wrote, here I am writing another. Last year's was about Jordan Zimmermann. This one? Stephen Strasburg. Just like last year, I'm pretty sad right now and don't feel much like writing. So, if you excuse me, I'll just let my pets do the talking. They all let out little sighs after I just broke the news to them. Little teeny tiny heart breaking sighs. Damn you, elbows. DAMN YOU TO HELL!!


Is there a possible silver lining? Not really. We know the kid has a great work ethic, so he might be able to be competitively throwing in under 12 months like ZNN did. But, no one's really sure if he'll come back and be as effective as he was that magical night back in June. And, like DC Yetti said, we'll be able to thin the herd and find out who the true Nats fans are with this as the rats will be jumping ship. (I'm aware that all of you are true fans, though. No one would put up with my shitty writing and photoshops otherwise. GROUP HUG!)
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to handle this situation the same way I do all my bad situations. With my alcoholic cat. Go ahead and get started without me, Frankie. Just be sure to leave some for me. I'mma need it.

Hey, Lastings... (snicker)

Hi! I'm a little late posting this because I went to the hospital on Wednesday morning for the birth of my daughter. I'm back now, though, and as they say... better late than not doing it in any amount of time. (Or something like that.)

Anyway, daughter, hospital, best moment of my life, blah blah blah... let's talk some EXTREME HUMILIATION!

What was the best part of Strasburg's first start? Without a doubt, it was his strikeout of LOLastings Milledge. Complete with a curve ball that had LOLastings' knees buckling. (Hmmm... I seem to remember him taking part in a rap video in the past with a title foreshadowing this *exact* moment. Oh yeah, here it is. Clickie and enjoy.)

Now, without further ado, I do my best to humiliate LOLastings in no less than three file formats. Enjoy! (I've wanted to use the Wilhelm scream for years in this blog. I finally got the chance.)

In 30 second video form (looping the same 1.5 seconds all the time):

LOLastings Milledge. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Lastings dives out of the way of a... strike, right down the middle, screaming all the time.

In gif form:

And, finally, a link to the YTMND.com flash post, which you can watch for 72 hours in a row, if you like.

http://lolastings.ytmnd.com/

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!

Except... you aren't. No, you're not the object of Dr. Seuss' wildly cliched popular book given at the beginning of life after ending your education. Nope, you're Drew Storen and the book you're given after your first Spring Training is titled, "Oh, the Places Drew'll Go Back To Needlessly Before the Places You Should Go!"

Look, the stats are there, and this quote is there.

"I've said it the whole time: We're going to play the best 25 guys that give us the best chance to win," Rizzo said.

Yet Drew isn't there. Where is there? In Major League camp and on his way North with the club outta spring training. Others have touched on the subject, and I fear that if I start down the road of justifying Drew's spot in the bullpen any more, I'll end up storming down Half St. with a flaming pitch fork, war paint, and screaming, "Off with Rizzo's fucking head!" So I'll leave it at this: My hunch is Drew is going to have to baby sit Stras through AA and AAA. Drew has already been in the Minors, and can help Stras in his tour down there. Is it fair? Fuck and no. Is it reality? Fuck and yes.
So, Drew, your first stop on the Places You'll Go? Hagerstown, MD, home of the Hagerstown Suns. Hagerstown is also the home of... nothing else. (Click pictures to enlarge.)

Yes, Drew, I hope you had fun in BFE, and hopefully you won't have to return.

The next stops on the Drew Express? Click "Read more" to see.

All four of Strasburg's pitches

So, I was like a lot of Nats fans in that I was interested in seeing Strasburg's debut against some real Major League bats (Ordonez and Cabrera, specifically) on Tuesday. I admit, I haven't hyped up Strasburg too much in the past, and I haven't got my hopes up. I saw him in the College World Series first regional game for SDSU, and he kinda stunk up the joint. He threw a game in the Arizona Fall League where he gave up 8 runs and three home runs in 2 2/3 IP. I saw all these folks falling all over themselves to proclaim SS as the greatest pitching prospect in history, and I didn't buy it. Why? I dunno, maybe it's because we're talking about the fucking Nats here, and anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
So, all that said, I still skipped out of work for two hours on Tuesday to head home and watch the game. The rest of this post is heavy with animated gifs, so I'm gonna hide them from the main post. (Seriously, the loading of the rest of the post may be as slow and deliberate as Ron Villone. You have been warned!) If you wanna see all four of Strasburg's pitches, in really really crappy animated gifs (and many times over), click the read more link. Do not click if you're on dial up. Seriously. It won't load until, like, 2025. It's just like choosing to take the red pill or the blue pill. Only nothing like that at all, really.

Jim Riggleman given the full-time manager job.

Yes, folks, Jimmie Riggs just had the interim tag pulled off his title. Your manager of the Washington Nationals for 2010 and... well... beyond is the local boy made good that took over last year for Tony Robbins Manny Acta part way through the season. I found out last night and gave GM Mike Rizzo a call to ask a few questions. The following is a transcript of the conversation*.

Me: Mike, thanks for taking a few minutes of your time, I appreciate it.

Rizzo: No problem. Happy to do it. I'm actually at dinner, though, so we need to make it brief.

Me: Will do. Actually, I guess I'll combine two questions into one to get this done twice as fast. First, what did you order, and second, why Jim Riggleman over the other candidates?

Rizzo: Well, I was wanting something top shelf, really tasty and good, but with the situation being what it is I settled for something from the rail. You know, house stuff.

Me: Can you expand on that?

Rizzo: Sure, sure. I really wanted a scrumptious 12 oz filet with a delicious Caymus Special Selection Cabernet Sauvignon . Then, I figured that with me having a cold and no taste or smell, it wouldn't make any sense right now. So I went with the hamburger and a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo.

Me: I see, and what about the answer to second question, the hiring of Jim Riggleman?

Rizzo: Uh, I was talking about Jim.

Me: Of course you were. Right. Sorry. So what did you end up ordering to eat, then?

Rizzo: I just had a mixed greens salad with chicken.

Me: Sounds delicious. Any concern about Riggleman and him handling such a young pitching staff? Strasburg and Zimmermann in particular?

Rizzo: No, not at all, why would you ask?

Me: Well, according to Keith Law, when Riggleman was managing the Cubs in 1998, he had then 21 year old Kerry Wood exceed 120 pitches in eight out of his 26 starts. Also, in start number 25, Riggleman had Wood throw 133 pitches.

Rizzo: ....

Me: You there, Mike?

Rizzo: /Muffled yelling
"Outta my way, tubby, I need to undo a horrible wrong!"

"But, sir... you haven't paid your bill!"

"Fuck your bill, pal, he's gonna break my poor Strasburg in half!"
/CLICK


*Real/dream, who knows? I confuse reality with make-believe often.

So... about that AFL squad...

Well, I was all set to see two Nats prospects play in the AFL Rising Stars Game last Saturday. Then, word came out that Stephen Strasburg was pulled from the start because of a neck injury. Given that he's now a National, and injuries only prove horribly horrible, I decided to dig into the issue, and see what the real deal was. I traveled to Arizona (In my mind! Beat that, Uri Geller!) and back in time (Take that, Doc Brown!) to see the throwing session that caused Stras the injury. I must warn you... if you have small children reading this blog, you may want to have them turn away. And you may want to reconsider your parenting model. I'm not sure I would subject my kid to "shit goddamn" as often as it is uttered here. Anyway... onto the film...

Gah! SHIT GODDAMN! But hey, I hear this Strasburg kid is tough, so maybe he can just rub some dirt on it and he'll be okay.

But, it wasn't all bad for the Nats in the Future Stars game. My bestest buddy, Drew Storen, made an appearance. It's justtoo bad the home plate umpire decided not to show up, though. Drew came into the game in the bottom of the 8th with his squad up one run. He battled the first hitter, throwing at least 7 pitches to the guy, if my shitty memory is correct. He had the dude 2-2, and absolutely froze him on a breaking ball. Perfect pitch. I swear. Check it below.



Am I right? It may appear to be a tad low, but the ball passes the plate before the catcher catches it. I'm convinced Blue screwed the pooch on this call. I froze the video at the point I feel the ball crossed the plate.



Those that have followed this blog since the beginning are insane know that I umpired everything from 7 year olds, to Varsity, to wood bat Travel Leagues. In the words of some of the parents that got me to eventually quit umpiring, "Fuck you, Blue! - It's all about you, Blue! - Way to rob my son, Blue! - If my kid commits suicide over this, Blue, I'm gonna fucking hunt you down and kill you!" (Seriousness alert! - All but the last one I actually heard directed towards me. Mostly in NOVA Varsity games. What's with these parents these days?)

Anyway, Even if the ball crossed the plate where the catcher caught it, I still feel the tip of the ball touched the bottom of the zone. What happened next? The batter hit a weak sauce infield single to the second baseman, who couldn't get a handle on it. Then up stepped the catcher, Matt McPoopy, who hit (sorry, Drew) a grooved fastball over the left field wall for a 2R HR. I can only assume McStupid was looking fastball, and Storen gave him one up in the zone. The good news? Drew acted like a goddamn closer should, shook it off, and got the next three batters out in a row with a ground out, and two Ks. Atta boy, Drew. Even if you did do it in long-ass soup-sandwich looking pants. I can look past a player crushing my hopes and dreams if it means betterment of the team. Hell, if I cared too much about every time something crushed me, I would've been dead when Shawshank was robbed at the 1994 Oscars. (Fuck you, Forrest Gump!)

Today is also GOLDEN WEDNESDAY! The NL Gold Glove awards are announced, and Zim should certainly be heading home with the 3rd base trophy. What's that? Derek Jeter won for AL SS yesterday?

Fuck.