Jordan Zimmermann... Hubba, hubba.

ZNN. ACE. GOOD. ZOMG. GOD. Look, whatever short, all caps word you choose to apply to Jordan, they all fail in conveying what he truly is, and is all about. That word don't even exist yet. Besides, who likes having to read a bunch or words? Words are for suckers. Let's go to the videotape to describe him:

Oh. I see. "STUD." Very apropos.    

Above words aside - if you do want to read a bunch of letters formatted into words and paragraphs to describe how good Jordan Zimmermann is, here are some:

Zuckerman.

Citizens. 

Comak.

Enquirer.

I've figured out what the 'M' means!

This has always stumped me:

What does the 'M' stand for? Well, after ZNN's last two games, we have come to the only logical conclusion. 

The boys are back. And they're *spectacular.*

Spring training is here! Spring training is here! I swear, there's no better day of the year than when the first Nats' game is broadcast. You plop down on the couch, have a beer in each hand, a remote in the other, and your opposing team's voodoo doll in your fourth. Here it is. The first video images of the 2013 gang: 

The boys in all their Spring glory from Section 138 on Vimeo.

And, if you're like me (which would be way cool, btw. We could totally hang out, making stupid jokes, baking cookies that resemble Jayson Werth's Beard, and punching my life-size Chase Utley mannequin. Think about it! My email is up in the top right of the page, yo's!) you rewind the first 30 seconds of the broadcast over and over and over again, to see if what you thought you saw, was what you thought you saw.  

The first thing that pops out at you, of course, is Matty Purke and his... well, his face.

                                     

I think it is very apropos that another Matty takes over from our last "Player X" face. Yes, Matty Purke is taking over from Matty Capps. You may be gone, Matty Capps Face, but you seem to be in good hands.

Later, you think you see Jayson Werth and new first base coach Tony Tarasco sharing some love. You check again. 

  Yes, sir, HAND POUNDS ABOUND when you're Jayson Werth and his new BFF, Tony. (I swear that's Tarasco, btw. I still haven't shelled out the $7 to get a tripod for my little camera, so I'm stuck holding it in my hands, while filming the TV. My unsteadiness lead to Tarasco being totally cropped from that clip. My humble apologies, Tony. I'll be sending you a bushel of throat lozenges to soothe your larynx after screaming "BACK" on pick-off attempts. (I don't mean to offend you, Tony, but what else do you do there when coaching first? Oops, sorry, you must also operate a stopwatch with the utmost precision. Mea culpa.)) 

Oh, I see Jordan Zimmermann. Howdy, ZNN! Wait, what? Is that gum... Is he.. You miscreant!

Sigh. I thought we might not have to see this unsanitary display of gum chewing after the Big Donkey left town. Well, it appears Jordan Z took over for Adam D in that department. Enjoy enraging my wife by chewing your gum like a vile human being, Jordan. (You still my boy, though. If you ever happen to hear my wife screaming, "What are you, five? Put the god damned gum back in your mouth! Gah!" through the TV, and get offended, just let me know. While I would never, ever Brett Myers a lady, I am not above giving her a stern stink-eye.)

Finally, (Hey! Keep your "about time"s to yourself!), we see in all his glory, Gio freaking Gonzalez, and him doing what he do.

That's right, folks. Gio be all, "Toot toot, bitches. The train that is the NL BEAST MACHINE is just getting rolling. Here's some fist pumps for you suckas!" Or maybe they're playing Party Rock, and he's really, really into it. It's certainly one of those two things. Or it may be both, cause Gio does it like that.

ZNN is the only network worth watching, and Clipp still has it.

On this busy Monday, I'mma do this quick style. Bullet points please, Blogger.

• This Nats offense was excruciating to watch, averaging 2.25 runs/game during this 4 game set in San Diego. These guys scored less than the Chess Club on prom night.
• Jordan Zimmermann is legit. Like, legit legit. He's like Otto Man. If you see him, he's taking your ass to school.
• Tyler Clippard continues to just dominate fools. His inning total is high, so there's a little bit of concern about overuse, but for right now, he's dealing. His high fastball is such a thing of beauty, that shit belongs in The Louvre. (Although if you ask the hitters, they say it's so filthy, it belongs in Penthouse. (Is Penthouse still relevant? I have no idea, so discuss porn in the comments, if you like.))

Two other quick things, first is a gif from Saturday night. I title it: Uber prospect Anothony Rizzo meets uber bullpen dude Tyler Clippard.

Eat dirt, pal. Have a seat, lunch meat. You missed that Clipp high fastball like Karen Carpenter missed breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And second, I haven't pimped my shirts in a while, but I wanted to point out that I modified two of my shirts. The ZNN shirts are now available with his number 27 in Nats numbering style on the back for $20.90.
The other Zimmerman(n) (Ryan) had his shirt modified, as well. I pulled the font from the front of the shirt, and added his 11 to the back. The original is still available. This shirt also runs $20.90. Peep the pics below. Clicking on the images will take you to the shop. My kid just turned one-years-old, people. She's gonna need me to start buying her real clothes now, instead of just wrapping her in Safeway bags.

Forgive me, Jordan, for I am late with this.

Happy (belated) birthday, Jordan Zimmermann! While I may be late in wishing him good cheer, I saw John McLaren celebrating with him on Monday, his actual birthday.

My, my. That is one generously sized ice cream cone, Johnnie. Good thing ZNN is 6' 2" and 220 lbs, or else that might be too much strawberry goodness for him to handle. Can you imagine Kansas City Royals pitcher Tim Collins (listed as a generous 5' 7") trying to tackle that cone?

That poor kid is gonna be eating that cone for days. I sure do hope he isn't lactose intolerant.

So, happy 25th, Jordan. My present will be in the mail soon. Be neither alarmed at the abundance of holes punched in the outside of the box, nor the muffled cries coming from inside it. You see, my body requires air to breathe, and I'm claustrophobic.

Holy Jesus. Not again. Ugh.

Well, one year and 17 days from the last Tommy John post I wrote, here I am writing another. Last year's was about Jordan Zimmermann. This one? Stephen Strasburg. Just like last year, I'm pretty sad right now and don't feel much like writing. So, if you excuse me, I'll just let my pets do the talking. They all let out little sighs after I just broke the news to them. Little teeny tiny heart breaking sighs. Damn you, elbows. DAMN YOU TO HELL!!


Is there a possible silver lining? Not really. We know the kid has a great work ethic, so he might be able to be competitively throwing in under 12 months like ZNN did. But, no one's really sure if he'll come back and be as effective as he was that magical night back in June. And, like DC Yetti said, we'll be able to thin the herd and find out who the true Nats fans are with this as the rats will be jumping ship. (I'm aware that all of you are true fans, though. No one would put up with my shitty writing and photoshops otherwise. GROUP HUG!)
Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to handle this situation the same way I do all my bad situations. With my alcoholic cat. Go ahead and get started without me, Frankie. Just be sure to leave some for me. I'mma need it.

Jim Riggleman given the full-time manager job.

Yes, folks, Jimmie Riggs just had the interim tag pulled off his title. Your manager of the Washington Nationals for 2010 and... well... beyond is the local boy made good that took over last year for Tony Robbins Manny Acta part way through the season. I found out last night and gave GM Mike Rizzo a call to ask a few questions. The following is a transcript of the conversation*.

Me: Mike, thanks for taking a few minutes of your time, I appreciate it.

Rizzo: No problem. Happy to do it. I'm actually at dinner, though, so we need to make it brief.

Me: Will do. Actually, I guess I'll combine two questions into one to get this done twice as fast. First, what did you order, and second, why Jim Riggleman over the other candidates?

Rizzo: Well, I was wanting something top shelf, really tasty and good, but with the situation being what it is I settled for something from the rail. You know, house stuff.

Me: Can you expand on that?

Rizzo: Sure, sure. I really wanted a scrumptious 12 oz filet with a delicious Caymus Special Selection Cabernet Sauvignon . Then, I figured that with me having a cold and no taste or smell, it wouldn't make any sense right now. So I went with the hamburger and a bottle of Ernest and Julio Gallo.

Me: I see, and what about the answer to second question, the hiring of Jim Riggleman?

Rizzo: Uh, I was talking about Jim.

Me: Of course you were. Right. Sorry. So what did you end up ordering to eat, then?

Rizzo: I just had a mixed greens salad with chicken.

Me: Sounds delicious. Any concern about Riggleman and him handling such a young pitching staff? Strasburg and Zimmermann in particular?

Rizzo: No, not at all, why would you ask?

Me: Well, according to Keith Law, when Riggleman was managing the Cubs in 1998, he had then 21 year old Kerry Wood exceed 120 pitches in eight out of his 26 starts. Also, in start number 25, Riggleman had Wood throw 133 pitches.

Rizzo: ....

Me: You there, Mike?

Rizzo: /Muffled yelling
"Outta my way, tubby, I need to undo a horrible wrong!"

"But, sir... you haven't paid your bill!"

"Fuck your bill, pal, he's gonna break my poor Strasburg in half!"
/CLICK


*Real/dream, who knows? I confuse reality with make-believe often.

Ugh. Just ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh.

For some reason, Blogger wouldn't allow me to use the post title I wanted. So, allow me to place it here.

SHIT. JUST SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, FUCK, DAMN.

Huh. I thought I'd feel better after writing that, but I don't.

Jordan Zimmermann is going to go under the knife and get Tommy John surgery. I doubt we'll see him until 2011, but there's a slim chance he may make it back late next year.

I'm a little pissed, and I don't think I can put my feelings into words right now. How about a couple pictures to sum it up?

equals

This just destroys me, folks, so bear with me if I don't post in a few days. I have a date with 24 members of the Yuengling family.

Sigh.

It's at eight, and ain't it great! (Well, no, it's not actually.)

I racked my brain for about 35 minutes trying to come up with the cheesiest post title ever. You're all so very, very welcome.

Those damn Nats just don't know what it means to lose, as them stubborn bastards have reeled of eight wins in a row.

That's the good news. The bad news? ZNN's arm may need to be amputated, DeNo went 0-8 at the plate over the weekend, and SOCKS of DOOM! (or is it El Drew K?) walked another batter on Saturday.

I've never seen so many things go the opposite way that they should. Up is down. East is West. Right is left. The Master of Disguise is funny. I'm sober. My cats are taking this just fine.



Sorry about that. I'm super crazy busy at work, and kinda mailed that in, didn't I? I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you guys soon, I swear! Until then, feel free to read one of the best written pieces I've seen in a while. Hats off, Brian. Now, if only the waiver claim were true.

ZNN returns, and he brings his right hand man.

So sorry for the disappearing act I pulled last week. To be honest with you, I don't have as much fun writing about the losses as I do the wins. To be even more honest with you, I'm lazy as shit.

BUT IT'S A NEW DAY, PEOPLE!

ZNN pitched well enough to get the win yesterday, including striking out that Johnny Lannan wanna-be David Wright three times. Seriously, though..what's up with Wright trying to take a run at Johnny for the best eyebrows in the game?


Get your own fucking gimmick, David Wright Wrong (BURN!). (Also, to appreciate Johnny's eyebrows to the utmost, it is imperative you see this picture. Simply magnificent.)

Anywhoo, ZNN threw just over 100 pitches last night with 62 of them strikes. He threw four pitches, and was even changing speeds on his fastball. He did his job, limiting the Mets to one run on six hits while striking out five. He left the offense to his main man, JESUS!, however. The Venezuelan Messiah crucified the Mets going 3-4 with a two run HR, 3 RBI and 1 BB.

I managed to sneak into the clubhouse after the game, and found the two of them holding court in the corner. I snapped me a pic...


I must admit...I had a strong moral dilemma with the picture above. I mean...who do you choose to be God, and who gets the Jesus spot? I eventually gave Jesus the Jesus spot because, well, his name happens to be Jesus.

One last thing for you guys...I managed to find what has to be the worst headline since the Adam Dunn signing when everyone was using the "Dunn Deal" pun. Oh...Bill Ladson, you rapscallion you!

Nats win again, as Zimmermann falls from the Heavens and delivers swift justice.

Our savior came out last night in gleaming white, red, and gold and smote the Atlanta Braves with his righteous missiles of good and justice...full...ness.
Yes, for he surely struck down upon thee Braves with great vengeance and furious anger, as they attempted to poison and destroy his brothers. And you know his name was ZNN when he lay his vengeance upon them.

You know how some people claim to see things in photos after they're developed that were not seen at the time the picture was taken? You know, ghosts and some shit? Well, I was at the game last night*, and snapped off a couple pictures of ZNN. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at the time, but after I went home and developed them in my dark room...well, let's just say he looked a tad different on film than in person.



*My lazy ass was not at the game. It was like...rainy and cold. Think I'm gonna drag my ass out there knowing the game would have a delay or three? Think again. My ass was on the couch with a Yuengling and the remote, so I could switch between the absolutely riveting rain delay coverage and the Capitals whooping up on the New York Rangers.

A special thanks to my wonderful dog Sedona, who not only saved my life with some pep-talks, but even managed to bang out a post yesterday. Much love, Doney. Much love.

And now, if you'll allow me the time, I would like to award the first ever awesome dude of the day medal for 2009. Ladies and genitalmen... I proudly award it to, Mr. Jordan Zimmermann. Yay! Cake and punch is in the kitchen. And use a fucking fork this time! We're not neanderthals.

Shairon Martis is the new Zimmermann

ROY? Yup. Cy Young award? Check. HOF? You bet. Canonization? A real possibility.

At the current rate NN Martis is going, he'll not only make the rotation, but he'll steal the hearts of all the ladies in the world. I showed my neighbor (a huge Nats fan) his line from yesterday this spring:



I had to catch her moments after I took this picture of her.


In all seriousness, Shairon, who I introduced you to last fall, seems to have the inside shot at the 4th starting slot. There is talk among some that the Nats could keep NN down in AA or AAA until June 1st, which would put off arbitration and free agency by one year. They could easily skate by with a four man rotation through the first few weeks of the season, and maybe throw Bergie or (insert someone elses name here) in the five spot until June. Collin seems to not be one of those names, however, as he's all but pitched himself out of the rotation at this point. I love, love, love the kid, but he isn't locating his fastball well enough, and his pitch count is way too high.

But...who really knows? That's what the next two weeks are for, dammit. Now if you excuse me, I've got to go change the name on the back of my generic Nats bobblehead. And make his complexion a bit darker.

Zimmermann bypasses HOF and goes straight to Sainthood.

ROY? Yup. Cy Young award? Check. HOF? You bet. Canonization? A real possibility.

At the current rate NN is going, he'll not only make the rotation, but he'll steal the hearts of all the ladies in the world. I showed my neighbor (a huge Nats fan) his line from yesterday:


I had to catch her moments after I took this picture of her.


I'll leave you with this one tidbit from Buster Olney (via a comment since I'm too cheap to pony up for the Insider package), so all you fellas out there can faint, as well.

Heard this from a scout: Jordan Zimmerman[n] has top-of-the-line, frontline stuff.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Jordan Zimmermann gets the win. ESPN gets the loss.

You know what? I had a longer post all written up, and was ready to publish it. I was watching the WBC, having a few Yuenglings, and just doing one last spell check (which I seem to never pay attention to, btw). Well, what out of the corner of my eye do I spy?


Seriously, ESPN? One N for Jordan? Did you guys fire the Schwab, and have no one capable of looking up the Nationals roster?
World Wide Leader? No, good sirs...World Wide Losers. (In your FACE!)

Anyway, maybe I can have time to throw up the second post later, it being an off day and all. Or maybe I won't. I'm sure you guys don't really care.

/Sniffle

Zimmermann woos HOF balloters

Welp, NN threw for the third time this spring, and once again showed why he is the greatest thing since the Snuggie. He hasn't allowed a run yet, but didn't want to humble the other starters too much, so he did walk 2 dudes this game (for his first walks of the spring). Behold, Jordan's lines through three games:


What we have here, folks, is obvious. The Lord baby Jesus (the son of God, not the catcher) has come to earth once more, to grace us with his presence. The team choice was obvious, as the NL East is like the mecca of all baseball fans, and to play for a NL East team would be an honor to anyone, even the son of God. (Well, except for those two teams up there.) I commend the Savior on his Superman like reappearance. Growing up and honing his craft in remote Auburndale, WI has kept him out of the public eye until now. His time to rule has come, however. Prepare to kneel at his throne, all baseball hitters. (But especially you, Chase Utley!)

Not to be outdone, however, Eyebrows has almost mirrored The Lord's Jo-Jo's Spring line, and is proving himself to be a messiah of his own.



Johnny has been pushed to the back pages so far, which might be playing into his hands, as well. You see... just like Jesus (the son of God, not the catcher) had Mary Magdalene for his best friend, Jordan has Johnny. And just like Jesus (the son of God, not the catcher) and Mary grew up playing stick ball, and ding-dong-ditch together, perfecting their hand-eye coordination and strength, NN has Eyebrows to learn from and improve with. Johnny doesn't want the spotlight, however, so he's happy to lay low while J-Z lays the groundwork for the religion that shall be THE NATS!

This whole scenario was laid out to me last night by my little hamster buddy, Hammy. We sat around drinking until 3AM, at which point I gathered up all that I had absorbed from our discussion and explained it to him the same as I have above. His reaction? Mind-blown, dudes. Mind. Blown.

Jordan Zimmermann has second stellar outing in a row

Jordan M. Zimermann. The amount of n's are important. Two of them, to be exact. I've never been accused of being a rational person, so I'm not about to start now. Ladies and Gentlemen. I'd like to present to you the 2009 ROY and Cy Young award winner, Mr. Jordan Zimermannnnnnnnnnnn!

Peep these two spring training outings. (What? Spring training stats aren't important? Fuck the fuck off, man. Go harsh someone else's buzz.... God Damn Negative Nancy.)

February 26th, 2009 vs. Detroit Tigers.



March 4th, 2009 vs. New York Mets.


Want some of my Flavor Aid now (I hear the grape is delicious)?

Here's what we do know after two outings for Zimnn (Christ, that nickname sucks. We'll end this post with some nicknames to choose from): The kid hasn't faced over the minimum amount of batters. So, no hits have been allowed, and no walks have been allowed. (Take note, Ross Detwiler...Mr. give up 4 walks and a hit without ever getting a single friggin batter out. Gah!) Now, how do the outs he recorded break down? Well, he faced 15 batters, struck out 6, got 8 to ground out and 1 fly ball out. 1. One. Uno. For a park that projects to be the 13th best hitters park in baseball - Or, the 18th best pitchers park in baseball, however you like to look at it - that low amount of flyballs means he's only gonna give up......like......2 homeruns. In his career! Jesus. He wouldn't give up a run ever if he was at Petco.

For the record, I hope he doesn't bump Bally out of a spot. I'd really like Shawn Hill to be sent to the bullpen so that his "arm" doesn't get overworked. (Only 28 starts in 2 years, Shawn? Let's prove your "arm" is, I dunno, an actual arm before we take up a spot for you, and deal a young kid a crushing blow by sending them to Syracuse.)

Oh, just to remind you half-empty dudes of something....The pick that was used to draft Zimnn? Compensation for Soriano, bitches. Ya'll cried like babies back in '06 when he wasn't traded.

So there you have it, folks. Proof positive that Jordan will be the most Dominant. Pitcher. Ever.

Now, let's get him a good nickname, shall we? I'll throw out a couple to start...

• Jordan "Don't call him Ryan" Zimmermann
  
• Jordan "J-Z" (or...is that Jay-Z?) Zimmermann
  
• Jordan"He's not Ryan" Zimmermann
  
• Jordan "Double N" (will be spelt NN) Zimmermann
  
• Jordan "If you call him Ryan again he'll punch you" Zimmermann
• Jordan "Jo-Jo" Zimmermann
• Jordan "Punchy" Zimmermann

Did you see what I did there? His last one is "Punchy" cause he punched somebod..... ah fuck it. For now, he's called "Rice Cake" because he kinda has a bland personality, as witnessed in the Dan Steinberg interview below. I hope to God The Big Donkey can rub off on him. With his personality, people. (Geez. You immature folks disappoint me make me smile.)