¿Señor Ciento? ¡Mucho Fuego!

With this post title, I'm shooting for the biggest butchering of a language ever. To all Spanish speaking folks out there, I'm deeply sorry. For everyone else, feel free to pretend like the title says, "Mr. 100? On Fire!"
Mr. 100[MPH], of course, is Drew Storen, aka "Señor Ciento." Aka "El Drew K." Aka "The Bearded Assassin."
He threw one inning last night, and was the pitcher of record for the top of the 11th inning, so he got the win. The kid has been an absolute beast as of late, and it just so happens he's had some man fur on his mug as of late, as well. I did some little no research, and guesstimated his beard birth to be around April 15th, or 12 games ago. His stats since then? Peep these, yo:

In this incredible run he hasn't allowed a run. Not an earned run, but a run, period. He's struck out nine, walked only two, and has allowed only seven hits, which gives him a WHIP of 0.675. Drew is just unconscious right now, and has grabbed a hold of that closer role so tight that he had to give it CPR at least four separate times. (See, cause he choked it till it passed out... cause he grabbed the closer role... grabbed... choked. GAH, forget it.)

So, without further ado, allow me to steal the gimmick of one of my favorite Nats tumblrs out there (sweetpearacer's Washington NationLOLs) with this statement that Drew gave me last night.

I, for one, welcome our new bearded overlord.*

*I also just used the most overused meme outside of Chuck Norris Facts. All I'm missing is a reference to the other Matt Groening sho- All glory to the HYPNO-DREW!

(Holy frijole, did I just mail this shit in, or did I just mail this shit in, AMIRITE?)

Tony Plush pimps, and Ryan Braun irritates.

Nyjer Morgan (aka Tony Plush) is proving to be an invaluable lead-off man, and an invaluable glove. In his last two games, Nyjer is 5 for 10 with a lead-off HR, 4 RBI, and a stolen base. His range in the outfield cannot be defined by our puny human number system, and can only be described as "great googly moogly" good. When he was asked about his lead-off home run last night, Mr. Plush laid it down for us.

The last couple of days, the pitchers have started me off inside, so I had an idea they were going to pound me in," Morgan said. "It's just one of those things where I was feeling a little sexy at the dish.

Sexy indeed, Tony. Sexy indeed.


Ryan Braun, on the other hand, is proving to be a nuisance. He's gone 5-8 with 3 RBI, scored 4 R, and has hit a 2B, 3B, and 2 HR. I'm telling you, I'll be so happy when we leave Milwaukee and no longer have to see this guy:


Oh, wait. Wong picture. Sorry about that. Here's the guy I won't miss a bit:



Easy enough mistake to make, no?

The Nationals have won four sweet-ass games in a row, and others in the league (and some fans that want Bryce Harper on the team) are screaming, "Break up the Nats!" In the four wins, the offense has scored 38 runs while the pitching has allowed only 12 runs. That right there, my friends, is how you win ballgames.

The trade deadline is just about 60 hours away, and our dreamy reliever from Stanford keeps on keeping on, but work is calling. I'll have to leave that post to another time. I'll leave you with one more thought, though... This one focusing on tonight's game.

Manny Parra is on the bump, and he's bringing his 6.42 ERA with him. That dude doesn't stand a chance.

John Lannan silences loud ass New Yorkers.

Eyebrows threw one hell of a game last night. If I wrote for the New York Post, my headline wouldn't read, "Bit By Nats", as it did this morning. (How fucking original, btw.)

Nay... mine would read as big as possible for all the world to see....

LANNAN IS THE MANNAN!!!

And that's why I'm not a sports editor.

Anywhoo... last night was nothing short of super fucking fragalistic by Johnny Lannans. 8 1/3 IP, 4 Hits, 4 K, 1 BB, 2 ER. (Which were cheap ass wind tunnel aided right field HR.) He only faced 5 batters over the minimum, and had the Yankees fans quiet as a pedophile in prison.

The Big Donkey crushed a homerun to right that didn't need any help from that that dirty New York air to get out, (Two notes on the highlight... 1) don't ever throw something soft, down, and in to Dunn on a 3-0 count and 2) too bad it wasn't the MASN feed, cause that feed showed his wife and kid right after the HR. I'm pretty sure they both starred in one of the Children of the Corn movies.) and Nick the Stick tripled in the fifth to drive in two more runs. Those three runs were all Eyebrows needed.

Until the 9th, that is. Johnny gave up a leadoff cheapie shot to Damon, got a pop out, then gave up a single to Teixeira. Manny (Is he still the manager? I'm pretty sure FOX Sports said he got fired last weekend?) pulled Johnny at that point and brought in Mike "damn you in the face" MacDougal. Mac promptly allowed a pinch runner to advance all the way to third on stolen bases, and walked A-Rod.

(I twittered this the other night, but I'm repeating it anyway. After MacDougal came on to start the 8th inning against the Yankees on Tuesday, he only managed to record one out while walking two, striking out none, and giving up a hit and a run to four batters. As he walked off the mound, my tweet was, "Another reliever shoves Manny further out the door. I wonder if MacDougal will have the common courtesy to at least give him a reach-around. Gah!" That's PURE GOLD, Jerry, so be sure you follow me @section138.)

Again with the ranting... my bad. Anyway, the situation was electric in Yankee Stadium. I was having a fucking heart attack. I couldn't sit down, and wore a path in the carpet from my pacing. I felt like I wanted to die, because deep down, I think I knew what was going to happen (Bullpen. Assplode). I'll let the great Chico Harlan finish it up with a quote from his gamer:

Runners were on first and third, one out, in a one-run game. The place was bonkers. Those in the Nationals dugout had experienced four consecutive games with late blown leads, and here was MacDougal, pitching to Canó, with hits in seven of his last nine at-bats. Canó fouled off two, then looked at two balls. MacDougal was throwing high-90s fastballs, no exceptions.

"Should I maybe mix in a slider?" he thought.

No -- catcher Josh Bard kept asking for the heat.

Four more fastballs, and Canó fouled off all of them.

Then, one more pitch, and it was over. The place went quiet. Canó bounced a grounder to short. Cristian Guzmán flipped to second, starting a double play. The Nationals snapped a four-game losing streak. Lannan burst from the dugout and high-fived MacDougal on the mound.

FUCK! and YES! I lost it, and started fist pumping and yelling. My dog had no clue what was happening, so he tried to bite my face. I actually felt something in my arm pop, but I didn't care. It actually hurt for an hour or so afterwards and I was afraid it would fall off like Flores' did.

I guess my point is this... I haven't felt that excited with a win since opening day 2008, when Zim hit the walk-off HR to win the game. This game had drama. This game had a great storyline. And most of all, this game had all my hopes laying on a shitty ass bullpen.

I love you, Mikey Mac. It might only last one appearance, but for now... you're my boy.

Stammen, Detwiler, and a bet.

Lots of things going on behind the scenes, but no official word yet. That leaves us on our own to figure out what the fuck is going on.

Here's what we know:

• Ross Detwiler is starting Saturday's game.
• Daniel Cabrera was in the bullpen all game yesterday. He also didn't seem comfortable in the chairs. He has freaky long - giraffe like- legs.
• Now, Craig Stammen is getting the start tomorrow.

Now, with Stammen coming in tomorrow, we're one man over the 25 man roster limit. The Nats can't part with another position player, so that means it has to come from the pitching staff.

But who? How serious were they with DCab in the pen yesterday? (I say not much, since he didn't warm up yesterday. I think pretty much everyone else besides him warmed up. Maybe Kip Wells didn't? I know Joel, Mock, Julian, and Colome warmed up at least once.)

I haven't been able to figure out the rotation since the doubleheader fucked it all up. But, for what it's worth, mlb.com had tomorrow's start belonging to Cabrera. So, that seems to mean Cabrera is out, no? I'll wait until it's official before I start weeping with joy, however.

My guess at the rotation is Lannan, ?, Zimmermann, Martis, Detwiler. Just who sits in that ? spot? Is this a one start audition for Craig?

And finally... I bet Joel $20 that I could throw within 19 MPH of him over at the new bar-ish place that opened up outside the center field gates. They have a real nice looking radar station all set up. Right next to the bean bag toss stations. (Nuh uh. Ain't gonna get me to call it by its lamer known name. No way. Ever.) Anyway, Joel seemed like he wanted to take my money, but I highly doubt he would show up over there for lil' old me. Thinking back on it, actually, it may have been one of my stupider ideas. I blame it on the beer.

Nats win again, as Zimmermann falls from the Heavens and delivers swift justice.

Our savior came out last night in gleaming white, red, and gold and smote the Atlanta Braves with his righteous missiles of good and justice...full...ness.
Yes, for he surely struck down upon thee Braves with great vengeance and furious anger, as they attempted to poison and destroy his brothers. And you know his name was ZNN when he lay his vengeance upon them.

You know how some people claim to see things in photos after they're developed that were not seen at the time the picture was taken? You know, ghosts and some shit? Well, I was at the game last night*, and snapped off a couple pictures of ZNN. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at the time, but after I went home and developed them in my dark room...well, let's just say he looked a tad different on film than in person.



*My lazy ass was not at the game. It was like...rainy and cold. Think I'm gonna drag my ass out there knowing the game would have a delay or three? Think again. My ass was on the couch with a Yuengling and the remote, so I could switch between the absolutely riveting rain delay coverage and the Capitals whooping up on the New York Rangers.

A special thanks to my wonderful dog Sedona, who not only saved my life with some pep-talks, but even managed to bang out a post yesterday. Much love, Doney. Much love.

And now, if you'll allow me the time, I would like to award the first ever awesome dude of the day medal for 2009. Ladies and genitalmen... I proudly award it to, Mr. Jordan Zimmermann. Yay! Cake and punch is in the kitchen. And use a fucking fork this time! We're not neanderthals.

Washington Nationals do not lose.

Soooo much to write about. Soooo little time.

I'm trying to knock this post out before my boss sends me another email. We'll see how that goes.

My views from last night's not loss:

• I crushed a six-pack of Reese's peanut butter eggs in two innings. Them fuckers be delicious.
• Adam Dunn is so reliable, watches ask him for the time. (Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all the week. Tip your waitresses.)
  
• Shy Young could seriously do some damage if his three pitches can all be thrown for strikes. He can't bunt for shit, however.
• Zippie chance DOOKS! was taking on that 3-0 pitch. Before Dibble (Who I actually like!) and Carpy (Who I still hate!) had their green light conversation, I beat them to it. I'm in my living room, and I jump up and scream as loud as I can, in my best Bill Alfonso voice, "Green Light Daddy-O!" The man beast swung, and that shit was crushed.
• I think I'm gonna like Joe Beimel. Sure, he might look...um...different (is caveman-like too harsh to say?), but he just made the Phillies look silly in the 8th. The set-up job is his.
• If we just get some consistent pitching, we could be okay. Right now, we rank 5th in the NL with an average of 5.25 runs scored/game. We're dead last in runs allowed per game, however with 7. I'm telling you, this offense can score more times than Mickey Rooney had wives. (He was married 8 times. Seriously. Mickey fucking Rooney. This little guy.)

I know I promised an update last night, but I was so damn excited that I ran to downtown Rockville to celebrate with the other three fans. We were hooting and hollering, and then it turned into a riot donnybrook pathetic display.
We got all boisterous and flipped over a cop car motorcycle moped. Then we stared lighting huge bonfires sparklers. Fucking good times. I didn't make it home until 10:15, so I was dog tired.

Uh-oh, just got an email from the dictator. I'll talk to you deliriously happy folks later.

Bowden out. Nats Front Office now crossed of the no-call list.

More props to Chico, as he seemed to break this first. Jim Bowden is out as GM of the Washington Nationals. What's even more stunning is how he did it - by resigning.
Some things JimBo always came across as were arrogant, stuck in the past, arrogant, stubborn, and arrogant. Kudos to who ever it was that convinced JimBo to resign, as opposed to being fired. I know his ego had to take a huge hit, but he felt he had

...become a distraction, and unless you're [unsigned free agent] Manny Ramirez there's no place for distractions in baseball.

Now, before you canonize the guy (not sure that word should ever be used when in conjunction with JimBo), he certainly took a shot at his detractors on the way out.

I am disappointed by the media reports regarding investigations into any of my professional activities," Bowden said in a statement released by the team. "There have been no charges made, and there has been no indication that parties have found any wrongdoing on my part

and

My resignation is based upon my realization that my ability to properly represent the Washington Nationals has been compromised because of false allegations contained in the press.

I'll leave it for other sites, mostly Steven, to analyze and dissect the departure. But I urge Chico and all the other media guys to purchase bullet proof vests and those sunglasses with mirrors on the corners so you can see when JimBo is creeping up on you with the machete.

Lastly, I caught up with Zim down in Viera, and had the opportunity to ask him if he felt this was for the best of the team. I don't think he wanted any quotes out there being attributed to him, so he didn't say anything. But his body language sure did reveal a lot.


P.S. Zim apparently has the power to make objects appear and dissapear at will. I told you, he's not human.

Nats win series, Utley upended.

Nationals win, big time. This offense is rock solid, top to bottom, and so much damn fun to watch. Some HUGE hits last night in the pivotal 8th inning. Casto and Bernadina with singles to start, and then Belliard with a pinch hit single to score Orr (who pinch ran for Casto). Boni walks to make it bases loaded. At that point, I was debating with myself who I would want walking up to the plate if I could choose anyone. I had it down to Guzman and Zim. As luck would have it, it was Goozie's turn in the lineup. He cranked a bases clearing double (with Boni right on the heels of Belliard as they approached home plate) to bust the game open. See you later, Philthies. Have fun missing the playoffs and beating your wives!

The underlying storyline from the previous night didn't die, though. With Chase Utley up for his first plate appearance, Rental plunked him square in the hip with a 90 mph heater. It appears Perez was using vigilante justice, as all signs from the Nationals management pointed towards the Utley/Flores play as being clean. Much love to Rental from this guy!

It didn't end there, though. In the bottom of the fifth, the Nats had the bases loaded with Milledge up. He grounded into a fielders choice, to make it runners at first and third, one out. DOOKS! was at the plate, and grounded to the third baseman. Seemed like a tailor-made inning and rally ending double play. Except Milledge was running from first. And Utley was the pivot man. What happened next made me scream, "Fuck, yeah!" at the TV in the bar. "I wanna have your children, Mills" may have came next. Some screen caps here to show Lastings burying his shins into Utley to break up the double play, and allow a run to score.


My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear. If you want to watch the recap, click here and skip to the 1:18 mark for the takeout. Be sure to watch Zim's 2nd homerun in three days at the 1:44 mark. He is just RAKING the ball, and is loving dead center. I mean, he's KILLING balls.

The boys are in Atlanta tonight to start a 4 game series there. Pitching note: Balester has a sore left bum, so he'll miss his next start, scheduled for Friday. Bergmann, who was due to throw tonight, will instead throw Friday. That means a spot start for a gentleman I wrote about earlier in the year. Mr. Shairon Martis will get his first ever MLB start tonight. Also, in case you guys want to pronounce his name right, it's Shy-ron Mar-tis. Go get him, junior.

JESUS + Lannans = God + Moses?

My religion skills are rusty, so someone let me know if that post title makes no sense. That being said, last night was good. NAY, last night was grand! The Doctor got to see the new Park (you like?), and got to witness Johnny Lannans being rewarded. Finally. That JESUS! pinch hit homer was like the hooker having a pretty face, icing on the cake. Unless the hooker has herpes. Then there would be some analogy about making a trip to the clinic, and all the Nats on the DL. Car pooling is available, if anyone else on the squad wants to get hurt.
Okay, on to other things, cause they're killing me.
Hey, did you know the All-Star Game/festivities are next week? And at Yankee Stadium? Well, if you're on the MLB mailing list like I am, you sure do. Note to MLB: I fucking get it. Please cease and desist any further communications you had planned to send. Please. Pretty please, with TEH GOOZ on top. Stop.
I know it's not Nats related, but God dammit, I have a huge soft spot for Josh Hamilton in my heart. That kid can't get enough praise for overcoming his demons. (While we're on that subject, props to LoDu for not being photographed with any 21 year olds in Georgetown, or Old Town. WTG, dude.) Anyway, Josh hit his first walk-off home run last night. Off Francisco Rodriguez (also known as K-Rod, but who I refuse to call K-Rod, cause THERE'S NO FUCKING K IN HIS NAME!) no less. I used to know how to direct link to the exact play, but MLB dicked around with their game wraps. You'll have to find it yourself on the bottom here. It's well worth a watch, and I ain't afraid to admit it got a little dusty around here when I watched it for the first time.

Oh, and when did Texas sign Carrot Top?


Also, Crocs? Really, Texas? What, PoppedCollars.com didn't offer enough cash to be on your outfield wall?

BELLY!

Two words, folks.

FUCK. YEAH.

What is it with walk off wins and this team? Fuck if I know, but fuck if I care. They're damn fun to watch.

Ichiro's sea men not virile

BROOM, Bitches!



That there strapping looking fellow is Kory Casto who hit his first MLB HR in the 8th, a 2 3 run job [stupid me -ed]. He had family and friends at the event, since he had (unfortunately had to) grown up 3 hours away from Safeco Field. His dad was on hand (along with Casto's wife and daughter), and I'm sure it made a helluva Fathers Day gift. He was interviewed at the game and when asked if he was able to get the home run ball he said, "You betcha! I raced over there and explained the situation. The guy gave it up for two of Kory's game worn and autographed hats." Nice write up about the homer in Chico's gamer (Sure is getting dusty in here).
So, enjoy the day off today everyone. I'm gonna try and get in some softball games after work, and dream I'm Kory Catso when I'm up at ba..... Fuck it. That was getting a little sissy like. Manly fist bops for Casto. And an extra tall beer. And a raw fucking steak.
Yo know who's not getting any bops/beer/steak? Flop. That fucker. 2 errors on one play, Flop? Really? Eat your quiche, you pansy.
Oh, almost forgot to give this out. Enjoy, Kory! Also, if anyone can explain my overusage of the word bitches, I'd be much obliged.

Going for the sweeeeeep

Tis true, shocked kitty! Going for the sweep today behind Capt. Redd. We may need another intervention from Jesus, the pride and joy of Nazareth Caupano, Venezuela. If anyone can do it, it's the savior.

I WIN!

One tasty case of this, coming my way:


I'm not feeling to well, so I'll leave the recap, good (BELLY!) and bad (I'm looking at YOU, mi hermano!) for tomorrow. Until then, happy dreams, Nats fans. Good guys win 7-6 with 5 HR.

BOOM, bitches!

Elijah DOOKS would like to conquer your town. You'd better let him.


Check out this line from last night: 4 for 6. 2 singles, a triple, and the game winning, walk off homerun. He was also in SportsCenter's top 10 plays twice, once as number 8 for a great defensive play, and number 1 for the walk off. It might of been was the hardest hit ball by a Nat this year. This kid can fucking RAKE. Chance of me doing the chest slap that DOOKS! did after he hit it (as can be seen in the video here) after I complete a report here at work? 185%

Slick = Healthy as a horse. Day game. Updated: A Win!

Edit: Post game comments at the end of this post.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two quick points to hit on. First, Nick Johnson will be out 4-6 weeks with a "tear of the tendon sheath in his right wrist." Jesus. This guy is more fragile than Barbaro and Eight Belles combined. Luckily, Meat will be coming up to the big league club and will man first base. He won't be playing first base, he'll just be standing around it, doing his best to not fall down.
Second, I have to use MLB Gameday (more like Lameday) today for the day game. I brought in another radio, but still couldn't get a signal. I am convinced my work has my office surrounded by lead plates to block out all radio signals. Seems like something they would do, given they already blocked youtube. Bastards.
I can't help but feel bad for Bergie here. He got called back up, but at the expense of Chico. I'm sure he's getting millions of hate emails right about now, and not just from me. Anyway, Go Nats, Mets you suck.

BREAKING NEWS: Mets catcher Ramon Castro, member of the Beagle Boys Gang?

















UPDATE!!

Well, the Nats did it. They won 3 out of 4 in this series. The game was actually decent on MLB's Gameday (I will forever drop my nickname of Lameday), especially since they now have video features added quickly, and pitch counts. That being said, for the Nats 1-0 win today, I'd like to thank some folks.

I would like to thank:

• The Academy for the nomination.
• Jason Bergmann for his awesome performance throwing the ball today.
• Jesus Flores for his all around coolness, and his double to kick start the 8th.
• Your mother for a butt like that.
• Flop for his RBI fly to deep left.
• GOOZ! for his heads up scamper to third to receive Boonie's throw to get Reyes trying to advance to 3rd on a sacrifice bunt.
  
• Willie Harris for his gravity defying catch in the 9th. If that drops, Beltran might score.
  
• My fiance, whose stood by me through thick and thin. I love you sweetie!
• Carlos Beltran or Willie Randolph, for Beltran breaking to the plate on contact for the double play to end the 9th.
• And finally, to mi hermano, LUUUUUUUIS. I love you buddy. Awesomely awesome scoreless inning there, Luis. I think you're back, baby.
  

Dear Doctor,

Doctor,

Thanks for introducing me to these golden Gods that are the Nats. These guys rock my socks. Lastings, and Jesus, and Zimmerman, oh my!
10-3 in the 7th? Meh, fuck me if I do something else besides stayed glue to the t.v.
Hey, Mets... you looking forward to this 3 game sweep?


EDIT: Jesus Christ, guys. I guess I'm watching the rest of this game. Turn it off for two seconds...

2nd Edit: I'm 99% positive Rob Makowiakiak is bat shit certifiably insane.

Typical emotion right now for Nats Fans

Pluto
Originally uploaded by dreamagicjp

Weeee!

Nationals rule, Pirates drool!

Kearnsie poops on poopy Pirates

KEARNSIE! Much love to my beloved #25. Stroking home the winning run. I like that. Speaking of stroking, I gotta get this out of the way. Da Meat Hook has been on the DL with a bad back, and it was just a shitty situation. Nothing was getting better. There were two consultations with doctors (3 if you count Andrew's opinion), and even a call into the Mayo Clinic. Nothing was fixing this shit. That is...until a lady got her hands on Meat. Clipping from the WaPo notebook:

"Young worked with Nationals massage therapist Tatiana Tchamouroff, who focused on his penis hip flexor rather than his back.

"All of a sudden, he felt instant release," Bowden said. "She found the spot."'

You want happy ending now?

Anyway, Nats destroyed the Pirates last night. I didn't get to watch any of the game, only listened to the first inning on the radio cause I had a game to umpire last night. I heard the call on Wil the Thril's 2 run poke, and knew the ballgame was over. I have yet to look at the box score, but I assume the Nationals had 29 hits and the Pirates 1.

Nats have now won 4 straight, and 7 of their last 9. Their record is now 12-17 (.414). Pirates? NOT SO GOOD! How's .393 feel, losers? Other losers? A certain frequent visitor's Rangers. .379? Good god man! Time to have Josh Hammy dealing his stuff in the locker room, maybe.

Well, more goodness to come tonight. Pirates? Maybe wanna bring some skill tonight. Forecast?:

Destiny, baby.

That post heading? That's good shit right there. There's the lame old school saying that goes something to the effect of: Keep on keeping on, and the breaks will eventually go your way.

Fuck all that. When Manny was asked about Wil missing that the bunt was taken off, bunting it right back to the pitcher anyway, only to have it go through the pitchers legs?

Destiny, baby.

God damn fucking right. Destiny.

I didn't see the game, only heard the first 3 innings on my way to a game. I saw 4 aborted highlights on Sportscenter (again..note to ESPN: Fuck. You.) which only showed Flop grounding into the double play, Wil bunting with two strikes, Belly's bases loaded walk, and Flop's single to left for the win. Meh. Maybe that's all that needed to be shown?

Props to Shawn Hill. Good effort, kid. You might be in this Cy Young race with Chico and Lannan, if you keep this up!

Other tidbit: Cardiac's arm did, in fact, fall off. It will take 4-6 weeks to reattach it. Manny's prolly gonna keep the bullpen at just 6 guys, and leave Wil the Thril on the roster. Works for me.