Jim Riggleman is going to destroy my September.

And why will Riggles be destroying my September? Well, here's why.

Riggleman, on the plan for Desmond: "I'll get him some games, but as long as Guzman is healthy he'll be playing. If his foot flares up on him that will be an opportunity to get Desmond in there, but we also have Gonzalez and Orr who will be playing up the middle. I love to see young players play, but I don't ever want to take away the opportunity from the veterans who have been here all year... and disregard their efforts all year by planting them on the bench. Like I said, the at bats might be inconsistent."

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, JIM?!?!1!1!!?!1!ELEVEN!!?

"but I don't ever want to take away the opportunity from the veterans"

Opportunity for what, Jim? Yeah, these games down the stretch are real fucking critical, aren't they? What with this pennant race DC is in and all. Nope. No need to see what the kids have during real games in September, especially against the Division leading Phillies. Na... you can tell how good they are against piece of shit spring training pitchers struggling to make squads, right?

Jesus.

You know exactly what you have with Cristian, Jim. An average fielding SS (although he does have a little bit better range than some) who boots the easy play every now and then a whole helluva lot. He's also someone who never walks, and is a singles hitter with an occasional line drive home run.

What do you have with Ian Desmond, though, Jim? Well, Frank Robinson said he was Major League ready [defensively speaking] in 2005. Jim Bowden dropped the names Derek and Jeter when talking about him. (Of course, Frank Robinson loved Matt LeCroy so much he openly wept for the guy, and Jim Bowden was... well... Jim Bowden. Oh, and I stole those two quotes from Zuckerman over at the Washington Times Chatter blog. It really should be an everyday read, by the way.)

So, since Riggles is a moronic idiot not going to give the kid a shot to play everyday, we might as well try and compare the two with the stats we do have. I sure as hell ain't gonna hold it against Ian if he has a shitty ass September because he only gets one or two pinch hit at bats per week. No one should.

Just so you know what you get with Desmond, besides playing super duper defense, he also had a break out 2009 with the bat. He started the year in AA Harrisburg and hit .306/.372/.494 with 6 HR and 13 SB is 42 games. He then got the call to go to AAA Syracuse, and kept on raking. He hit .354/.428/.461 in 55 games there with 8 SB and 1 HR. He's not a huge power guy, but he does average a HR every 12.75 games. And, let's face it, that's way better than Goozie who averages one HR every 21.4 games. In fact, in a 162 game average season, Goozie hits 8 HR, while Desmond hits 13. (Yes, yes, and yes... I do realize I'm comparing Desmond's Minor League stats against Goozie's Major League stats. But that's my whole point. Since Riggleman won't be playing Ian, we can't even see what the fuck he can do against Major league pitching!)

So... me, personally? I like Ian's bat a little better than Cristian's, but we'll call it a wash since Cristian is hitting against Major League pitchers and all. You know... such as Manny Parra, Tim Dillard, Mat Latos, Arthur Lee Rhodes, Brian Bass, and Geoff fucking Geary, after all. (And no, those pitchers were not pulled at random. Those are the six pitchers Cristian has hit his home runs off of this year. I shit you not. All-Stars they ain't.)

Let's then use defense as a measuring stick, since Minor Leaguers and Major Leaguers both play on the exact same size infield, with runners the exact same 90 feet apart.

Desmond's 2009 defensive ratings: .943 FLD %, and an eye popping 4.81 RF/9.
Goozie's 2009 ratings? A .962 FLD % (dead last in the NL) and a very nice RF/9 of 4.52 (tops among NL SS with a minimum 100 games played).
Desmond's career avg FLD % is only .936, but keep in mind this includes his first few years in which he was learning to play the position at an elite level. Ian's avg RF/G, though, is a stellar 4.40 (again, while he was learning the position). Goozie's MLB career FLD % is .971 and his career RF/G is 4.19. Cristian's career Minor League FLD % was only .952 while his Minor League RF/G was 4.55.

(For those of you that just want to know what a great SS RF/9 and FLD % is, Ozzie Smith averaged a .978 (with three piss poor - for him- sub .970 seasons pulling him down at the beginning and end of his career). During his prime, he averaged a .981 FLD % with a single season high of .987 in both 1991 and 1987. His career RF/9 was 5.2 with a single season high of 5.87 in 1981 and 1982.)

Okay, okay... so it's obvious Ian has better range, while Cristian's fielding percentage is a little higher. But everyone knows fielding percentage is old and inadequate, right? You don't? Just do yourself a favor. Google "why fielding percentage is outdated". Sure... there are plenty of sites that pop up, but the most interesting revelation of all? This magical, wonderful, incredibly awesome blurb thrown our way by the great people of Google:

(And with that, we come back full circle to Jim Bowden. Sometimes I really do miss your Segway riding, leather pants wearing face around here.)

So, since the numbers above could be judged differently by different folks, and with Riggles apparently needing someone to draw him a picture in order to get a clue, allow me to present my argument another way.


There. That about sums it up. Now how about you play him, Jimmy Riggles? Don't make him have to twist your arm. (And by him, I mean me. And by twist your arm, I mean this.)

The solution to all of Cristian Guzman's fielding problems

Hi there. Hey, did you see last night's game? You did? Yikes, huh!? You didn't? Ah, you missed the debacle of all debacles. I'm actually not sure whether to recommend you try and see it, or congratulate you on having missed it. It was... well... shitty. I'm talking rolling around in it for 500 yards Shawshank Redemption shitty. Steinberg has a really good wrap up with some screen grabs here.

I have no ideas to help Ryan Zimmerman, who grounded into two double plays last night . I have no ideas for The Big Donkey, who struck out three times with RISP. I have no ideas for Joey Beimel, who botched a perfect inning ending double play ball by throwing to the infielder who was actually backing up the throw to second. And, I certainly don't have any ideas for poor Wille Harris, who took a ground ball right to the nuts, except maybe a titanium cup. Nor for Austin Kearns, who would have had a yakety sax made by me except there is already one out there.

But what I do have, folks, is an idea for Cristian Guzman, who all of a sudden thinks he's playing fucking soccer. After kicking three ground balls in the past two games, I threw on my inventor hat, and got busy.

Without further delay (cause... seriously... I've built this shit up enough already, and it actually sucks), and as a tribute to Billy Mays (Hi, Death here for BILLY MAYS!) I give you...

"The Goozie Boots". Strap these puppies on, and you'll be fielding like Ozzie fuckin Smith. (As always, feel free to click to enlarge.)


HUGE hat tip to our own Natmosphere's Miss Chatter, who took this picture and loaded it on her Flickr photostream.

The Nationals MLB auction site is an epic debacle.

So, I stumbled across an auction site for MLB a few months back, and have checked in on the Nationals auction site to see what was there from time to time. I never really gave the items a good look, and that, I now see, was a good thing.

Nope, this time I had to get all interested and actually read the descriptions of the items.

The first item I glanced at was a signed home jersey that was made for Jackie Robinson Day 2009. It has the number 42 on it, and is signed by 21 Nationals. 18 are players, two are coaches, and one is... well, I'm not sure what the hell this person does for the team:


It's a pretty neat jersey, though. It's up to $525.00 right now, if anyone wants to bid on it. (This would also be a good time to display the locker nameplate of Martis that had the 'n' missing from his first name that I took a picture of in the Nats clubhouse. Too bad it's still on the camera's card, and not on a PC. Another day though, folks. Something to look forward to!)


Okay, I know there have been 117 Castro's to play organized ball, but there has only been one Casto. If that one player happens to play for the team whose auction site your looking at, and has his fucking name spelled correctly on the God damn item, shouldn't it be spelled right in the description?


No one has placed a bid yet, folks, so go and plop down your hard earned $6.95 now here.


To continue the spelling of the names incorrectly theme, I present to you a neat-o card for our wonderful shortstop Cristian Guzman. Err, I mean... Christian. Again, this item actually has the name spelled out correctly for the dude who types this shit out, but he couldn't bother to pay attention.


The Guzman card also introduces us to another trend I found on the Nationals auction site: Misrepresentation and hyperbole. Whatever it takes to sell the item, I guess. You see... the item's description leads me to believe that Cristian (shit, I did it again...) Christian has won the AL Triple Crown three God damn times!! (Go eat shit, Ted Williams and Rogers Hornsby. You useless fuckers only won it twice each. Amateurs!) It's only when you actually look at the card itself that you realize it means he won the AL triples crown three times. Fuck it. Small difference, right? So go throw down your seven bucks here, cause no one else has ever won three Triple Crowns.

Hey, do you like Ryan Zimmerman? Yeah, so do I. Heck, who doesn't? You know who really likes Ryan Zimmerman though? The guy who wrote these statements on two Zim cards up for auction.

Exceptional Topps rookie card of The Nationals slugging third baseman and future Gold Glove All-Star Ryan Zimmerman!

And

Outstanding Bowman autograph RC of The Nationals third baseman who is compared to HOF'er Brooks Robinson, Ryan Zimmerman!

Wow. Way to put the pressure on him there, big guy. Look, he may very well win a Gold Glove someday, and he will be an All-Star... but you don't have to scare the poor kid into thinking if he doesn't make it into the HOF he'll be a fucking failure. I'm pretty sure he works as hard as he can. Unlike you, Mr. description author. Your mother is very disappointed in you.

Want to be goaded into buying something by a statement of the utmost absurdity? It's your lucky day, my friend. For just right here, if you plop down seven hard earned dollars, you'll get yourself a 2007 Fleer Rookie Sensations card of Scott Olsen. Now wait a second... Scotty ain't that bad. I mean, the author would like to point something out to you, and he's not kidding when he says:

Fantastic looking rookie card of The Nationals lefty starter who should blossom into a 15+ game winner Scott Olsen!

Holy fucking shit. Okay, I can only hope that he is kidding. 15+ wins? This is the same Scott Olsen who has averaged only 10 wins in the three seasons he's had more than 31 starts, right? The one whose baseball-reference page lists his 10 most similar pitchers here, and show those ten averaged 6.4 wins a year in their careers? Gah!

And finally, I leave you with this gem which has this awesomely insane description of a Stephen Englund card:

Certified Authentic Rookie Autographed card of the Washington Nationals top young prospect

Jesus. Christ. For reals? Top prospect? Stephen Englund? This is a kid who has hit .189/.310/.253 in four seasons of rookie, short season, and low A ball! Allow my seal to do my talking, if you please...


Englund wouldn't sniff the top 50 prospect list for the Nats. (No offense, Stephen, but you have... no offense. Dude... you're hitting .112/.187/.143 in Hagerstown this year.) So, what makes it worth throwing seven bucks on it? It's autographed!

Oh, I just got an idea. If any of you readers (that I love so much) would like my autograph, you can paypal me at my email address that is on the top right of the page. And I'll only charge you $6. Win - win situation? I think so.

Nats win series, Utley upended.

Nationals win, big time. This offense is rock solid, top to bottom, and so much damn fun to watch. Some HUGE hits last night in the pivotal 8th inning. Casto and Bernadina with singles to start, and then Belliard with a pinch hit single to score Orr (who pinch ran for Casto). Boni walks to make it bases loaded. At that point, I was debating with myself who I would want walking up to the plate if I could choose anyone. I had it down to Guzman and Zim. As luck would have it, it was Goozie's turn in the lineup. He cranked a bases clearing double (with Boni right on the heels of Belliard as they approached home plate) to bust the game open. See you later, Philthies. Have fun missing the playoffs and beating your wives!

The underlying storyline from the previous night didn't die, though. With Chase Utley up for his first plate appearance, Rental plunked him square in the hip with a 90 mph heater. It appears Perez was using vigilante justice, as all signs from the Nationals management pointed towards the Utley/Flores play as being clean. Much love to Rental from this guy!

It didn't end there, though. In the bottom of the fifth, the Nats had the bases loaded with Milledge up. He grounded into a fielders choice, to make it runners at first and third, one out. DOOKS! was at the plate, and grounded to the third baseman. Seemed like a tailor-made inning and rally ending double play. Except Milledge was running from first. And Utley was the pivot man. What happened next made me scream, "Fuck, yeah!" at the TV in the bar. "I wanna have your children, Mills" may have came next. Some screen caps here to show Lastings burying his shins into Utley to break up the double play, and allow a run to score.


My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear. If you want to watch the recap, click here and skip to the 1:18 mark for the takeout. Be sure to watch Zim's 2nd homerun in three days at the 1:44 mark. He is just RAKING the ball, and is loving dead center. I mean, he's KILLING balls.

The boys are in Atlanta tonight to start a 4 game series there. Pitching note: Balester has a sore left bum, so he'll miss his next start, scheduled for Friday. Bergmann, who was due to throw tonight, will instead throw Friday. That means a spot start for a gentleman I wrote about earlier in the year. Mr. Shairon Martis will get his first ever MLB start tonight. Also, in case you guys want to pronounce his name right, it's Shy-ron Mar-tis. Go get him, junior.

Marco Estrada, welcome to the Nats bullpen.

Yikes. I can't seem to find a lot of time these days to write about the Crimson Gods that are Le' Nationals. That's too fucking bad, too, cause they've won seven (7!) in a row. That, my friends, is the hottest team in baseball right now. The whipper snappers are on a roll, that's for sure. Even old man Boone, Gooz, and Wee Willy Harris are getting in on the action. Zim, DOOKS!, Gangsta Millz, and Jesus are rolling. Throw in the slap hitting Bonie or Hernandez, and gimmie Bellie at first and I'm a happy man. Good times, people! GOOD. TIMES.

BREAKING NEWS
Cristian Guzman was just named the NL player of the week. Yay!

And now, since I'm copping out on writing anything, here is a photo essay from Saturday night. Welcome to the Nats bullpen, Marco Estrada!

Saul Rivera has become the leader in the pen. He's getting all the boys together to induct Marco into the bullpen. Only people missing are Shell (who is coming), and Colome' (Who, apparently, doesn't do this sort of thing. Dudley Doo-Right!).


There's everyone, now. Clockwise from the bald Charlie Manning: Manning, Saul, Shellie, Marco, Hammerhands, Garrett Mock. See Shell holding the cup of water in his hands? (That's called foreshadowing, fellow writers. Use the talents Shakespeare gave us wisely.)


"Assume the position!" Marco cops a squat so he can be slapped in the forehead/head area by Saul. Leaders LEAD, that's why they're called leaders.


"Thank you, sir, may I have another?" Saul let him off lightly. He's a softy, really.


Yup, I suck. I missed the water shot. Shell had hid the cup of water from Marco while Marco was getting hit, and splashed him in the face with it. BURN! Well, 'cept it's water, so it doesn't burn....


Have a towel, kid. Wipe yourself off. That water was cold! And it's deep, too!


Mock gets his turn. He had this ceremony earlier when he came up. Rauch laid him out.


Charlie gets his licks in. I think he said, "Nice fucking hair, asshole!" As he hit him. (I feel for Charlie, and was right there with him. Speaking of hair, Shell said he liked his new haircut.)


Hammerhands swings.....


...and closes the show. Cause...that's what closers do!


Marco was the only member of the pen that didn't get Mock in one of his previous call-ups, so he gets his here. You can get a good shot at Saul's mesmerizing hair here (that's him on the lower left.). It's not brown, and it's not red. It's....Orange?


This is DOOKS! commanding the white man to serve him. It was during a pitching change, and he came over and yelled, "HEY! Gimmie some Gatorade and shit! And dip my doo-rag in some water, bitch! DOOKS ANGRY! DOOKS SMASH!" Hammerhands and Manning obliged.

Eyebrows is on the bump tonight, looking to make it 8 in a row. I have all the faith in the world in that crafty lefty. Fuck the Phillies by winning tonight, and sweeping tomorrow.

This is it.

Rock bottom. That's where I think we are. Especially with the latest news about The Franchise (with all due respect to Shane Douglas). That's right folks. Zim is out a minimum of 4-6 weeks, and it could be for the year. I told my cat, Natty, the news last night after the game. His response is documented below.


He was commenting on not only the Zim injury news, but also the pathetic and inconsistent offense. He also wonders why no starter besides Lannan can seem to throw more than 5 innings. Why have the bullpen guys that were so reliable in the past seemed so brutally ineffective? (Natty kitty's looking at you Saul and Luis!) He also can't stand Hanrahan's inability to throw strikes. I dunno, ya know? To pitch in this level don't you kinda, sorta, have to be around the God damn plate!? When Colome is thought of as being one of the better success stories outta the pen, you know your fucked. Props to Rauch, however. He's been all right filling in for Cordero.
Will it get any better? Shit, how long till Guzman goes to the DL? The injuries, offensive ineptitude, and pitching woes are driving me to tie a plastic bag around my head. The only things keeping me from self inflicted death at this point are Flores, Dukes, Milledge, Guzman, and Lannan. Four 23 year olds and a 29 year old that is by far our best player this year. Will he get re-signed? It'll be interesting to see. I'm also peeking into the farm system, and we will get some more looks at younger starting pitching as the season stretches into September.
How can I sum it all up?
Fuck. Me. Let me know when this team can do anything consistently, besides sucking. I still love everyone that puts on the uniform and goes out there to play. I'll still watch every game that I can, and I'll be at the park another 14 times at a minimum. I just can't have any hope of the offense coming from behind, nor the pitching staff keeping the other team from scoring early.

Going to the game

Me and the Mrs. have tickets for tonight, so if you're watching on the tube, keep a look out for us. I'm bummed that I won't be able to rain down upon the Kinger with my barrage of peanuts, but good riddence.
Oh, hey, the newest Nat just arrived in town, by the way. He'll prolly be starting in left, but with his ears, he could play right, and no one would notice it's not Kearnsie.




Hell. Let's not kid ourselves here. He would prolly out hit WMP and Kearnsie combined.

Rental Perez vs. Ryan Dumpster tonight. (Buuuurrrn. dUmpster. Heh. Bet that fuckers never heard that one before) Dumpster's had a pretty good start, but one stat is bad. 11 BB in 24 IP. Slick and Kearnsie might be able to drive his pitch count up. Hell, maybe Goozie can work it too, and Flop will only go yard on the 4th or later pitch of each of his at bats.

Hopefully Blastings can get his fucking act together, and get to the fucking field sometime before I do. I called all the Rocawear and Phat Pimp stores in the area, and asked them to kindly send Blastings to the park if he showed up.

Rapido? No.

I want to see 40 yard dash times. Seriously. Someone line up all the position players, have them run the 40 yard dash, time them, and publish them. Everyone knows how fast an NFL player is, or isn't. Why not in baseball?

Fucking Gooz. How does that dude not score on Kearnsie's single yesterday? I know Tim Tolman ain't the greatest 3rd base coach in the world, but waving him in was the right call. Goozie should'a been safe, but he was out. By a fucking mile. Speedy, he ain't. 111 SB in 1048 games. Or just about one every 10 games. Remind me again why Manny has him batting lead off?

So, tonight we got Johnny Lannan against Jon Smoltez (I might have spelled his name wrong..I'm having a hard time finding anything on this guy. Must not be that good). On paper, it looks like Lannan should dominate Smoeltz..but, as we all know, the Nats ain't hitting nothing these days. Look for Lannan to keep the injins in check (7 IP, 14K, 0BB, 2 Hits), and the offense to finally come around. 8-1, the good guys.

There's also a game taking place at the Verizon Center tonight. I would throw in some hockey stats, but I don't know any. I hear this Ovechkin kid is pretty good. Caps win 87-0.

Winner winner. Chicken dinner.

WMP. Weapons of mass production? More like weapons of mass penis eating. Thanks for the 0 for 4 (3 K's), not to mention the error, chuckle head.
Chad, welcome back to you, as well. I'm sure Rauchie appreciated you loading them up, just to turn it over to him. Good thing he came in and slammed the door on them Injins.
Off day today for our band of swashbuckling heroes. Start a 3 game NY trip tomorrow. I'm looking forward to LoDu and Blastings giving the Mets fans a big healthy serving of shut the fuck up.
Oh, shit. Almost forgot. GOOZ!! Way to get that first walk of the season. Only took you 14 games. At least you're starting to think like a lead off hitter now, you fuck nut.

Ah, what the hell. It's stats day today.

As much as I despise that certain 34 year old rump roasted left handed reliever, I likey what I'm seeing from Gooz. Except for one thing, but I'll get to that later.
Stats on the year for the Goozman:
AB: 43; H: 14; 2B: 2; 3B: 2; HR: 2; RBI 6; BB: 0; K:4
I'll do the math for you fuckers, and project that out for the season:
H: 252!; 2B/3B/HR: 36; RBI: 108; K:72; R: 144.
Pretty beastly, no? Obviously, he can't keep all of that up for the season, but fuck it, he's golden to me right now. I'd take those numbers anywhere in the lineup. Except lead off. Did I mention he's leading off right now? Did I mention these projections?:
OBP: .318; SB: 0; BB: 0.
Nope, that ain't too fucking good for a lead off man. If you look at the regular starters, he ranks 6th in OBP. It goes Kearnsie, Slick, Blastings, LoDu, Flop, Gooz, Belly, and Mr. Walk-off in order of best to worst. Kearnsie (I just want to squeeze that lil' hairy man!) is leading with .395. How does that happen when the guy is only (for now) hitting .233? He has 7 BB's. Look, I know Gooz had that eye surgery, and that's how he's hitting the cow-spit outta the ball. But, for the love of God, someone get him to take a few fucking pitches! Gorilla Glue his bat to his shoulders for a few at-bats. Maybe then he can get on base.
Gooz's BA (.326) is higher than his fucking OBP! Great googley moogley.
I'm going to put my manager hat on, and play Manny. Drop Gooz down in the order. Please. I'm begging you. Put Blastings in the number one spot. He's got a .341 OBP (BTW, that's the only thing any potential lead off can be judged on. Did you realize the Nats only have two stolen bases? Two. 2. Talk about dick samiches!), with a little pop (1 HR 2 2B). Then, Gooz can hit second all year long. Move Slick up to third, drop The Non-Human to fourth, and we all set. World Series, look the fuck out, cause this bingo train is about to roll!
Now, excuse me while I go rub one out to the replay of Gooz's 2 3B, 3 RBI game from Monday. If you need me, go fuck yourself.