Friday, September 25, 2009

Zimmerman and Dukes are jive turkeys.

So, I'm watching Ryan Zimmerman hit his 31st HR (and break up a no hitter) the other night, and I happen to notice him celebrating after he reaches the plate. (I do this a lot now, for some reason. Maybe the celebrations are the best part of the game? I mean... I've seen 100 losses. Maybe my brain just focuses on the good shit?)

He high fives (somebody) and then does a weird finger slappy dappy thingamajiggy with Elijah Dukes. I wish I could show you gus what I'm talking about. Shoot. Oh, wait! I made a video. So, without further ado, I present... "Lijah and Ry'n: Brothers from other mothers."

When you think about it, though, it's not that hard to believe that Ryan Zimmerman and Elijah Dukes have their own hand pound. Sure, Ryan seems like plain vanilla on radio, film, and photo, as well as in real life, but he wasn't always that way, and he may just be busting his soul out again. See, way back in the late 70s, early 80s, Ryan was very tight with Richard Prior. They were Ebony and Ivory before McCartney and Wonder. Heck, they were Salt and Pepper before Salt-n-Pepa. Pryor and Zimmerman did a couple films together, and were pretty damn famous. Ryan eventually got tired of the limelight, however, and moved to the Tidewater,VA area as a 32 year old back in 1987. One night, after being humiliated attempting to impress a younger lady at a carnival, Ryan went to a wish/fortune-telling machine, called Zoltar Speaks and wished he was young again. He woke up the next day as a three year old, and began his life as we know it today.

Most people don't have the faintest idea that this is, in fact, true, though. Even those that have watched the Pryor and Zimmerman movies swear it's Pryor and Gene Wilder, not Ryan Zimmerman. While it is true that Wilder replaced Zimmerman in the later Pryor films such as "See no Evil, Hear no Evil", Ryan was the man in the first few films. And sure enough, every time I point this out to someone, and they watch one of Zim's films with Pryor, it clicks. In fact, here's a clip from their 1980 smash hit "Stir Crazy."


I rest my case, your honor. If it pleases the court, I would like you to rule for the plaintiff, me, in the amount of $150 MM.

(Here's the "Stir Crazy" clip from youtube, by the way.)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

About Rob Dibble's reaction to Adam Dunn's 38th HR

Yeah... did anyone else get a little worried for Robbie Dibbs during the call of Adam Dunn's 38th HR last night? I swear to Christ, I thought that man might have been dying. Well, that or pooping.

The latest installment of "crappy ass videos", ladies and germs.

Yes, sir. I do believe that man had himself a... a... a accident.

Moving on... can you believe the balls on Joe Torre? I mean... the Nats are getting blown out 14-2 last night in the 8th inning, and Torre brings out Clayton fucking Kershaw! What happened, Joe? Was Sandy Koufax busy? I swear to God, if Riggleman doesn't have someone throw at Torre's head during the exchange of lineup cards tonight, I'm gonna explode*. (Well, not really. That sounds... painful. But I'll be pissed as all get out!)

Well, let's hope Detwiler can right the ship tonight against Chad Billingsly. Rossy D is coming off a damn fine outing (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 K, 1BB) and Chad has been... well... not too good since a disastrous July. The offense can hopefully put up some runs tonight. (Unless Torre starts Fernando Valenzuela, that is. And I bet he does. Ass hat.)

*Yes, I realize Kershaw hadn't pitched in a game since Spt. 5th. And, yes, I realize I just recycled that line from Twitter last night. Who the hell are you, the original content police?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Justin Maxwell: International Man of Mystery

So, Justin Maxwell (Montgomery County, represent!) was the subject of MASN's "Covering the Bases" last night. We got to find out all kinds of goodies like... um... shit, what were they? I think he played basketball as well as baseball. I think he got a scholarship to Maryland. And I seem to remember an interview with his dad, who in it said that Justin didn't have a choice but to go to college, thanks to his mom. We also learned that his dad is/was in the military, is a dentist (as well as his mom), and actually did two or three president's teeth. We also learned that Justin is involved in some sort of a cover up. A big one, too! Like... Obama sized.

MASN popped up a graphic after he completed his at bat in the 4th.

About 10 seconds later, they popped up another graphic.

Ohhhhhhhhh! Controversy! Scandal! Embroilment! (Thanks, thesaurus.com.) Just where was Justin born, hmmm? Was it Olney, as listed in the first graphic? Or, was it Bethesda, as listed in the second graphic?

Why the variation!? Is Justin he really a Muslim from Afghanistan who was born to Osama Bin Laden!? Hmmmmmmm?

Well, no. MASN just has shitty graphic editors, and sloppy fact checkers. Look, I have absolutely no contact with the team or players. I have never had a chance to meet the Maxwells, nor anyone related to him. However... even I know where he was born. With his parents in the military, there's a 99.999999999% chance he was born at the Navy Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Don't get me wrong... there's not a whole lot wrong with Montgomery General Hospital in Olney, but unless there's a severe life threatening situation to Justin's mom at the time, there's zippy chance they'd go to Montgomery General.

Hey... MASN... need some help over there? No, no, not at screwing shit up (you're doing fine on your own), but doing things like... I dunno... actually previewing the damn graphics before you air them?

Sorry about that. Listen... feel free to pop in here anytime, MASN, and rant about my errors. They are many, and they are large. This dude don't live in no glass house. (Mostly cause that would be hot as shit. Seriously. Sun all beating down on you and shit. No, sir. Not for me.)

One more quick thing before I go, though. (Stop groaning, It'll be quick, folks.) I just wanted to update the status of my annual Pirates bet with my good friend Puttzy. Just to recap...

If the Pirates win the season long series, I will drive down to Charlotte, and pay for your ticket to the Oktoberfest thing they got down there. If the Nats win, you buy tickets for me and my wife, and welcome us and the pets down for an extended weekend. And pay for all the beer that is consumed the entire time. (You kinda win either way, dude! Time with me? Fucking awesome!)

Puttzy accepted, and upped the ante in the comments...

I also propose a new bet. A supplemental bet if you will. Overall record at the end of the season. <...> Supplemental bet: loser buys food at Oktoberfest.

Now, as you probably know, the Nats lost the head to head series 5-3. Congrats, Puttzy, I will pay for your Oktoberfest ticket. (BTW, I will be paying with gold doubloons. I hope there's a pirate bank in Charlotte.)
But, what's up with the season long win loss record for the food? Thanks to Brian Oliver over at NFA, it's easy to follow. You see, the Nats and the Pie Rats happen to be the worst two teams (record wise) in MLB. It looks like this as of today.

W L PCT GA Tragic Left
50 96 0.342 - - 16
55 89 0.382 6.0 11 18

As you can see, if the Nats go 10-6 to end the season, they will finish at 60-102. The Rats would need to go 4-14 to end the season, thus finishing 59-103.

Yeah, I think I'm screwed, too. Hope you like bread, Puttzy, cause that's all I'm buying your bitch ass to eat. I'll bring some ketchup packets from home, though, to liven it up a little bit. You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Jesus. Is. Dead.

I'm not making that shit up. See... it says so right here:

[Jesus] Flores has a torn labrum, tests revealed this week, and will undergo surgery tomorrow in Birmingham, Ala., to repair it. <....> [The Injury] threatens the Nationals catcher's availability for the start of the 2010 season.

Oh. Okay, so it doesn't say he died, per se... (I'm not sure I used that Latin phrase correctly. I confuse it with "persona non grata" all the time. People use it around me a lot, so it really muddles my Latin.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah... Jesus is dead and buried, and not waking up, nor moving the boulder out the way this time. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I put Jesus out of my thoughts forever. The only way to do so properly, however, is to give the man a decent burial. Farewell, my friend. While you were productive when healthy, you were never healthy. May your bones and muscles rest now, and be no longer tearing or breaking. Though it will be hard, we turn our gaze towards a new shining figure. One clad in battle armor, same as you, yet more... non-breaky. So, as we say goodbye, we also say hello. Welcome, DeNo. Now hurry your ass up. We need you by 2011, dammit.

Ashes to ashes... dust to.... ahh screw it. Just get in the ground, Flores.


Bonus for the folks still reading (you lucky sum bitches!). If you aren't following my Tweets, you missed out on ones like these from last night:

Rumors of a Flores labrum tear floating around...

Zuckerman confirms it. Jesus Flores labrum tear. 2010 opening day in jeopardy. Rizzo says it's not related to orig inj. http://bit.ly/QTgPp from TweetDeck

I can't believe I didn't break Flores' hand when I shook it the few times I did. That guy goes down more than a hooker on pay day. #barbaro2 from TweetDeck

Oh, and this one from this morning. (Pony up, cheap skates!)

Ian's baseball-reference sponsorship price keeps dropping. Down from $95 to $45. Who has $45 for me? No one? C'mon, dammit!! ::pouting:: from TweetDeck
See? I even try and break some news once in a while. I suck at it, but I try!

Monday, September 14, 2009

I finally figured out who Rob Dibble reminds me of.

Rob Dibble has already been written about on many a Nationals blog, mine included. The initial hatred towards him has sort of died down, mostly because we're in a place of begrudged acceptance. After all, he's not going anywhere with another year left on his contract.
I'm not saying I like the guy, I'm just saying that there's no use in me throwing shit at the TV the entire game anymore. I know what I get from Dibble, which is extreme homerism when things are going well, and extreme ridiculing of the pitching staff when things aren't going well. (He continues to preach how the starting pitchers should throw to the other team's lineup the third and fourth times through the order, yet he only faced the other team's lineup more than once in .05% of his games played. Only 21 times (out of 385 career games) did Dibble face someone in the opposing lineup twice. In fact, his career high for batters faced in a game is 18, or twice through the order. Yet he continues to berate the staff for how they're pitching to the lineup the third and fourth times they face them. In the words of Walter Sobchak, "[Dibble], you're out of your element!")

But, again, I digress. I was trying to put together a video of Chase Utley attempting to injure another National when something kept popping into my head. I thought to myself that Dibble (on the call of the play) reminded me of someone, as he has all year, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. After about five minutes, it finally hit me. Enjoy yet another craptacular video, folks.

Friday, September 11, 2009

How'd Ian Desmond do? I missed the game...

The fuck I did! I had my butt firmly planted on the couch at 7:02, right after I fed the cats and the dogs. (Hey, has anyone taught dogs and cats to feed humans? I've seen a dog open a fridge and get a dude a beer once on TV. Any of your dogs do that? That's so super duper cool. I'll pay someone like... $5 if you come and teach my dogs to do that.)

I was excited about Ian's call up here, and was begging Riggleman to start Ian here (although, to be honest, so was every other blogger). So what happens when Ian D finally does get the start?

Bang Zoom, Philly bitches!!

You can see the video highlights here, but allow me to list what he did in numbers and letters below.

Ian was 2 for 4 with 1 2B, 1 HR, 4 RBI, and scored 1 run. He's hitting .500/.500/1.500. (Insert O.o face here.) Can he maintain that pace? Uhh... no, but I do like his chances of sticking around a little longer, and succeeding (thanks to, in particular, his short and speedy swing).

In related news Billy Ladson points out that Rizzo and Riggles had a conversation with Cristian "Bunions" Guzman yesterday morning.
It was learned that general manager Mike Rizzo and interim manager Jim Riggleman had a private meeting with shortstop Cristian Guzman on Thursday afternoon and asked him to switch to second base for the 2010 season.

Apparently the front office is concerned with the way he moves to his left, and his bunioned feet just add to the problem.

Can Ian grab the SS position for 2010? I don't know, but I do know how to find out. Play Ian more, dammit. Now, if you excuse me, I have to announce to the world my feelings for Ian D...

Oh, one final thing... that double play with Ian as the pivot man? Wasn't a piece of cake, as Chase Utley was gunning for Ian's legs. (I'm gonna try and throw a video of that together later, but... well... don't hold your breath.)

Fuck it, a second final thing... How bout one of you rich people go and sponsor Ian's baseball-reference.com page for me? C'mon!! It's only $95! Okay, okay. Fine. Huruumph. I guess I can settle for one of you sponsoring Zack Segovia's page. It's going for $5. (The poor bastard.)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Jesus has returned to walk the earth.

It's not exactly the beginning of the fulfillment of the Messianic prophecy (I hope, at least. Cause I'm fucked if that does happen.), but it is a big development for the Nats.

Yes, Jesus "Barbaro" Flores made a pinch hit appearance in lasts night's game, but isn't expected to make any starts at catcher the rest of the year. He's welcomed back with open arms by me, to say the least. I just hope he's been drinking his milk while he's been gone, cause he's... well ... how can I put this... fragile as Kurt Cobain's emotions were in April of 1994. He only played in 26 games this year, before being sidelined by a foul ball to the shoulder. Last year, he played in just 90 games, due to Chase Utley smashing his ankle in early September.

It was great to see Jesus get an at-bat yesterday. I only wish he could've drawn a walk or hit a single. That way, he could try to steal second, and break both of Utley's legs, arms, lungs, eyes, ears, and kidneys (humans do have two of those, right? I hope so, cause if not, I'm screwed from that time I woke up in Mexico all groggy in a bathtub full of ice). God damn do I hate me some Chase Utley. That cheap shot taking mother fucker.

Oh, I saw Jesus before the game, and he showed me his new catching gear. I think it's nice, but I'm not sure how he's gonna be mobile enough to get to all of Mikey MacDougal's wild throws.

Welcome back, Jesus. Try not to break anything high-fiving in the dugout.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Jim Riggleman is going to destroy my September.

And why will Riggles be destroying my September? Well, here's why.
Riggleman, on the plan for Desmond: "I'll get him some games, but as long as Guzman is healthy he'll be playing. If his foot flares up on him that will be an opportunity to get Desmond in there, but we also have Gonzalez and Orr who will be playing up the middle. I love to see young players play, but I don't ever want to take away the opportunity from the veterans who have been here all year... and disregard their efforts all year by planting them on the bench. Like I said, the at bats might be inconsistent."


"but I don't ever want to take away the opportunity from the veterans"

Opportunity for what, Jim? Yeah, these games down the stretch are real fucking critical, aren't they? What with this pennant race DC is in and all. Nope. No need to see what the kids have during real games in September, especially against the Division leading Phillies. Na... you can tell how good they are against piece of shit spring training pitchers struggling to make squads, right?


You know exactly what you have with Cristian, Jim. An average fielding SS (although he does have a little bit better range than some) who boots the easy play every now and then a whole helluva lot. He's also someone who never walks, and is a singles hitter with an occasional line drive home run.

What do you have with Ian Desmond, though, Jim? Well, Frank Robinson said he was Major League ready [defensively speaking] in 2005. Jim Bowden dropped the names Derek and Jeter when talking about him. (Of course, Frank Robinson loved Matt LeCroy so much he openly wept for the guy, and Jim Bowden was... well... Jim Bowden. Oh, and I stole those two quotes from Zuckerman over at the Washington Times Chatter blog. It really should be an everyday read, by the way.)

So, since Riggles is a moronic idiot not going to give the kid a shot to play everyday, we might as well try and compare the two with the stats we do have. I sure as hell ain't gonna hold it against Ian if he has a shitty ass September because he only gets one or two pinch hit at bats per week. No one should.

Just so you know what you get with Desmond, besides playing super duper defense, he also had a break out 2009 with the bat. He started the year in AA Harrisburg and hit .306/.372/.494 with 6 HR and 13 SB is 42 games. He then got the call to go to AAA Syracuse, and kept on raking. He hit .354/.428/.461 in 55 games there with 8 SB and 1 HR. He's not a huge power guy, but he does average a HR every 12.75 games. And, let's face it, that's way better than Goozie who averages one HR every 21.4 games. In fact, in a 162 game average season, Goozie hits 8 HR, while Desmond hits 13. (Yes, yes, and yes... I do realize I'm comparing Desmond's Minor League stats against Goozie's Major League stats. But that's my whole point. Since Riggleman won't be playing Ian, we can't even see what the fuck he can do against Major league pitching!)

So... me, personally? I like Ian's bat a little better than Cristian's, but we'll call it a wash since Cristian is hitting against Major League pitchers and all. You know... such as Manny Parra, Tim Dillard, Mat Latos, Arthur Lee Rhodes, Brian Bass, and Geoff fucking Geary, after all. (And no, those pitchers were not pulled at random. Those are the six pitchers Cristian has hit his home runs off of this year. I shit you not. All-Stars they ain't.)

Let's then use defense as a measuring stick, since Minor Leaguers and Major Leaguers both play on the exact same size infield, with runners the exact same 90 feet apart.

Desmond's 2009 defensive ratings: .943 FLD %, and an eye popping 4.81 RF/9.
Goozie's 2009 ratings? A .962 FLD % (dead last in the NL) and a very nice RF/9 of 4.52 (tops among NL SS with a minimum 100 games played).
Desmond's career avg FLD % is only .936, but keep in mind this includes his first few years in which he was learning to play the position at an elite level. Ian's avg RF/G, though, is a stellar 4.40 (again, while he was learning the position). Goozie's MLB career FLD % is .971 and his career RF/G is 4.19. Cristian's career Minor League FLD % was only .952 while his Minor League RF/G was 4.55.

(For those of you that just want to know what a great SS RF/9 and FLD % is, Ozzie Smith averaged a .978 (with three piss poor - for him- sub .970 seasons pulling him down at the beginning and end of his career). During his prime, he averaged a .981 FLD % with a single season high of .987 in both 1991 and 1987. His career RF/9 was 5.2 with a single season high of 5.87 in 1981 and 1982.)

Okay, okay... so it's obvious Ian has better range, while Cristian's fielding percentage is a little higher. But everyone knows fielding percentage is old and inadequate, right? You don't? Just do yourself a favor. Google "why fielding percentage is outdated". Sure... there are plenty of sites that pop up, but the most interesting revelation of all? This magical, wonderful, incredibly awesome blurb thrown our way by the great people of Google:

(And with that, we come back full circle to Jim Bowden. Sometimes I really do miss your Segway riding, leather pants wearing face around here.)

So, since the numbers above could be judged differently by different folks, and with Riggles apparently needing someone to draw him a picture in order to get a clue, allow me to present my argument another way.

There. That about sums it up. Now how about you play him, Jimmy Riggles? Don't make him have to twist your arm. (And by him, I mean me. And by twist your arm, I mean this.)

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

September call ups are... well... unexciting, save for one.

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself for the IAN ERA! (Or is that the ERA of IAN?)

Ian Desmond highlights the list of September call ups for the Nationals. It's a pretty uneventful list, when you think about it. I knew Desmond would be on it, but was hoping for some more first time Major Leaguers. The only other first timer (sort of) is Zack Segovia, a right handed starting pitcher (Who had one start with the Phillies in 2007). The Nats also brought back retreads Marco Estrada and Logan Kensing, as well as bringing back 2007 first round draft pick Ross Dewiler.

Marco was in the bullpen for all of 11 games last year, before the Nats sent him, his 7.82 ERA, and his 1.737 WHIP packing. He was always a starting pitcher in the minors, and he did have a pretty good 2009 campaign with Syracuse (9-5 with a 3.63 ERA and 1.218 WHIP. He also averaged 6.5 K/9 IP). I'm assuming they are bringing him up to start. (Which is a shame, because I had such a good time yelling, "Maaaaarcooo" to him in the bullpen. He, on the other hand, didn't seem to enjoy it. Come to think of it... he's probably had to endure the whole Marco Polo thingie his whole life. And here I thought I was being clever. Shit.)

Logan was in the bullpen (after Washington picked him up when Florida released him) this year for all of 17 games before the Nats sent him, his 10.71 ERA, and his 2.017 WHIP packing. He has been the closer for AAA Syracuse for a while now, and has put up decent numbers (2-1 with a 2.97 ERA, 17 saves, a 1.020 WHIP, and a great K/9IP ratio of 9.4). He'll be in the bullpen, I would assume, where he will get teased mercilessly for his middle name, which I just found out was "French." (French Kensing, you see. Get it? French... K..sing. FRENCH KISSING!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.)

Ross was called up from AA earlier this year by the Nats, and did a hell of a lot better than I thought he would. He hadn't lived up to the hype of his draft status in the minors, sporting an ERA of 4.54 in high A for 2007 and 2008, along with a WHIP of 1.545. He started this year in AA Hagerstown and threw well. His record was 0-3, but it appears run support was an issue for him. He had an ERA of 2.96, while dropping his WHIP to 1.390, while having a very impressive 9.2 K/9IP ratio. He got the call to Washington, and went 0-5 with an ERA of 6.40, and a WHIP of 1.750. His k/9IP rate dropped to 5.7, as well. They sent him to AAA Syracuse after that, and he's been pretty damn good since then. He's gone 4-2 with a 3.10 ERA, and got his K/9IP back up to 7.7. He still has a long way to go to live up tp being the 6th overall pick in that 2007 draft, especially being a kid drafted from College, but I'm rooting for him, dammit... so should you!

Which leaves the two newbies, Mr. Zack Segovia and Mr. Ian Desmond. I'll be honest here... I don't have the slightest idea what Zack's ceiling is. He was a pretty highly touted prospect coming out of HS in Texas in 2002, as he was drafted by the Phillies in the second round. He ended up blowing his elbow out, a-la ZNN, and missed the entire 2004 season after Tommy John surgery. The Phillies released him in June of last year, and the Nationals signed him then. He's played for every Nats minor league squad since then but one, with the exception being Vermont. The Nats promoted him from the GCL squad straight to Harrisburg last year, thus denying Zack a chance to be a Lake Monster (something I'm sure he still regrets. I mean, seriously, who the hell wouldn't want to be a God damn LAKE MONSTER, for Christ's sake?). Here's what else I know about him - he's 6' 2", and 245 lbs, so the kid likes him some pancakes. If he starts for the Nats, he'll be the fourth oldest starting pitcher for them this year at age 26, behind only Daniel Cabrera (28), JD Martin (26 and older by three months) and Livan Hernandez (with his age being somewhere between 36 and 45. If you believe he is his listed age (34), well then have I got some ocean front property to sell you. Seriously. I own approximately 2 square inches of beach in Ocean City, NJ. I don't want to go all into details, so I'll just leave it at this - It involved large Italian men, gambling, four bottles of Grey Goose, more gambling, and me sobbing in a hotel room.). I also have no idea if he's related to the famous Spanish classical guitarist Andres Segovia, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Which brings us to one Mr. Ian Desmond. And my job. With it being dead this past Friday, and just having a three day weekend, I have work spilling out of my ears today. Alas, I will not be able to write about Ian Desmond today, but I'll certainly get to him in my next post. Until then, I'll leave you with what people call a taser. Shit, no, that's a teaser, not a taser. My bad. First one hurts you, second one doesn't.

We’ve been hearing hype on Desmond for a while now but the slick fielder is just beginning to justify that talk with his performance at the plate.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Heard enough about Drew Storen from me yet?

Sure, sure... I could talk about yet another elbow injury to a starting pitcher, this time to Craig Stammen, but I won't. And, sure... I could talk about the race to see who gets to draft Bryce Harper, but I won't.

Nope. It's time for that good old fallback, Mr. Drew Storen.

(Drew... at this point, if I were you, I'd be looking at this page for advice on filing a restraining order. I'd suggest keeping me 25 yards away at all times.)

Drew posted this on his Twitter feed the other day, and I'd forgotten all about it.
I wish I could pitch with maximus's helmet (were watching gladiator on the bus). I feel like it would add at least 4 mph.

And, since it's a three day weekend, work is beyond dead today. The parking lot is 1/2 full, and there ain't shit to do, as I've gotten all of seven emails today (five of those from our server monitoring bot). So, I decided to screw around (badly) and make more Drew Storen Paint pictures. Lucky you! Weeeee!

I now present to you, Drew Maximus Decimus Meridius Storen. (I had to look that up, by the way. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing the dude from Gladiator's full name. Okay, that might be a little creepy. Like that friend of mine that got all pissed at me for saying the Ewoks lived on Endor. He got all freaked out and started screaming.
Him: "They lived on Endor's MOON, not Endor itself!"
Me: "Jesus, it's not like I just stabbed your baby with pencils and shit, it's just Star Wars."
Him: "It was Return of the Jedi, and don't you belittle my people!")


Here's Hagerstown Drew Maximus (Which, I admit, looks a little shitty. Click it for a bigger pic, though, and it looks better still looks like shit.)

Here's what the batter would see, with his knees all shaking, and pee dribbling down his leg. (I'm talking about you, Chase Utley!)

And finally, once the Nats see just how kick ass awesome this shit is, they get one custom made for Drew. It comes complete with a curly W and a voice changing device that makes him talk like Russell Crowe's character from Gladiator crossed with that dude from 300. "This... Is... Nats Town!"

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Nats knocked out of the playoffs, the AFL, and more Dibble hate.

Well, folks... with yesterday's Nats loss and last night's SF Giants win, the Nats were officially knocked out of the playoff race. Crushing, I know. But hey... at least you can spend the money you were saving to use on the 2009 playoff tickets now! Maybe buy one of these?

Yes indeed. That marvelous picture, signed by that Soup Nazi guy himself, can be yours for only $199.95 (plus shipping and handling). Congrats on that investment!

(Is that signature the actors name, or is it the Soup Nazi character's name in the show??)

I have no excuses for not posting this week. I was just lazy. Pure and simple. L-A-Z-Y. Maybe it's the three day weekend that's coming up? Who knows? All I know is that I'm forgetting this week when I have to fill out by self performance review later this month. (Actually, I'm just gonna cut and paste last year's self review into this one. But... shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

Two things that I really did want to write about where the September call ups (the active roster's get expanded from the regular 25 up to as many as 40), and the Arizona Fall League. But you know what? Yup... you got it. I'm a lazy bastard, so you'll get a half-assed effort on one of them, and like it.

I'm gonna pick the Arizona Fall League (known as the AFL from here on out, cause... again.. I'm lazy), so you're on your own with the call ups. But.. I will throw out Brian Oliver's post on the subject, which is a must read, as most of his stuff is. All I know is, since they called up Detwiler in 2007, they better call up Drew Storen. Drew signed early, has motored up the ladder, AND he's gonna throw in the AFL, so he deserves it. (He's also rooming with the 6'8" Jesse Estrada. And anyone rooming with a giant is certainly taking one for the team. I mean... aren't giants cannibals, and shit? What happens if Jesse gets hungry in the middle of the night? Is he gonna walk to the kitchen, or is he just gonna chew some fingers off the hand of the dude next to him? They're like Vienna Sausages to him.)

I got married last October (10/18, actually. Please feel free to send Anniversary gifts. My email's on the top right of the page. The wife appreciates it.) in the wonderful city of Phoenix, AZ. My wife's family is from there, and my parents have moved to Tucson, about 2 hours away. It was a wonderful time (even though it topped 90 degrees on the wedding day. I barley noticed, though, as I was so god damn petrified excited.), but I do have one regret. You see, watching an AFL Nats game was on my to do list. I really wanted to check out Ian Desmond and Ross Detwiler, specifically, but really root for all the kids in the Nats organization. Bill Rhinehart is a U of Arizona guy, too, so that would have been cool. (My wife and my dad graduated from there.)

But, it didn't come to be. I was either too busy with the rehearsal, or making sure all my friends made it okay, or getting everything situated. There was one person who I invited to the wedding that did make it to a game or two, though. (You know that one person that always brings up the thing you missed out on whenever he can? Sure enough, every time Ross Detwiler started for the Nats this year, I seemed to find myself at the same bar as my friend. Sure enough, as soon as Ross was introduced on the TV, my friend would always say, "You know, I saw him throw in the AFL last year. Hey, weren't you supposed top be there?") To this day, it's the only thing I wish I could do over again from my entire wedding experience. (Well, that and getting a lil' teary eyed when I saw my wife in her dress walking up the aisle. Thank the Lord I had my best man (and best brother) with me, who promptly put his knee in my leg and said, "man the fuck up.")

Jesus I just rambled on there, didn't I? My bad! Moral of the story... if you have the opportunity to make it out to the AFL, do it. Especially this year with Drew, Strasburg, Danny Espinosa, Chris Marrero, and Derek Norris on the roster. That's a fucking stacked team right there. If I didn't already have plans in Charlotte, NC, I'd be there in a heart beat.

And real quick, I wanted to link again to a great Kevin Reiss post. All of the post is great, but he's 108% spot on about Rob Dibble. I think he finally put his finger on just what it is about Dibble that irritates people to the point of shoving objects into their ears. And so... I dedicate this next video to Kevin, and all you Dibble sufferers out there. May peace be with you poor, poor bastards.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Shocking pictures of Drew Storen with long pants revealed! Flood watch from tears expected.

You know what? I'm just gonna rename the blog "Storen Nation (as viewed from Twitter and beyond)."

Why? Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that six of the last 21 posts of mine have been devoted to Drew. Or, more-so, devoted to Drew's socks.

And... I continue that trend with a new Drew Storen SOCKS of DOOM! post. It is with a heavy heart, and millions of tears flowing down my cheeks, that I post this picture*. It's like when Brad and Jennifer broke up all over again. (sob.)

Who is that guy with the wicked leg kick, but awful pants? Wait for it...

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! My God, Drew! Think of your fans. Like this little guy here...

At last check, the vote was 45 people for the SOCKS of DOOM!, and only two against. You know why? Because cool mother fuckers rock the socks, that's why. Like... well, The Non-Human.

That stud Lou Gehrig

And some dude named Cy fricking Young.

You know why only two people have voted to lose the socks? Because they're EVIL, that's why. Look at all these evil people that wear pants. Like... The DEVIL!!!

Saddam Hussein (when he can find them).

And the worst of all.... Chase ASS HAT! Utley (Ugh. I get a chill down my spine anytime someone even mentions his name. Seriously. Just look at that smug shit below. You know he drowns kittens and puppies when he's not busy breaking catcher's legs. Nice fake dirt stains, Chase.)

Seriously, Drew. Don't make me actually have to drive to Harrisburg to... well, to beg and plead while on my knees crying. My wife thinks I'm all grown up, and that would set me back a few years in her eyes.

(*Pants pictures complements of the always awesomely awesome Pam Storen. You can read the article yourself here (starts on page 23). It's actually a good story. Except for, you know, the whole no socks thing.)