Tuesday, March 31, 2009

2nd Annual Nationals - Pirates Bet

Yes, it is that time again. That time of year when my old roommate has the gumption to bet on the Pittsburgh Pirates, and I use all my intestinal fortitude to lay my money down on the Nationals.
If you remember last year, I won the bet with Puttzy over the series winners for the year. The Nats beat the Pie-Rats four games to three, and I welcomed Puttzy with an open mouth (for the BEER. THE BEER!) as he presented me with a case of Yuengling. There was also supposed to be a carton of cigarettes in the deal, but I forget why he welched on that. I mean...he lives in North Carolina, dammit. Cigarettes are...like $1.25 a pack. (Note to MD tax maker-uppers: Fuck. You. $6.50 for a pack of cigarettes? "We're just trying to protect your health," they say. My ass. How come Ho-Hos still just cost a buck?)

So, without further ado...I throw down the gauntlet, and slap Puttzy in the face with my dueling glove. I propose the winner of this year's seven games gets...well, whatever the hell they want. (To be totally honest, I haven't discussed this bet with Puttzy yet. What better way for him to HAVE to accept than by calling him out in front of the tens and tens of you who read this, right?)
I do have a proposal, however. If the Pirates win the season long series, I will drive down to Charlotte, and pay for your ticket to the Oktoberfest thing they got down there. If the Nats win, you buy tickets for me and my wife, and welcome us and the pets down for an extended weekend. And pay for all the beer that is consumed the entire time. (You kinda win either way, dude! Time with me? Fucking awesome!)

Now to put you guys at ease. I have three reasons why the Nats will absolutely, positively beat the Pirates this year.

1) The Nationals hyping of their prospects (on their own webpage) would not have this picture being posted:

Did you read the caption (as usual, you may want to click to enlarge)? I hope he has offensive potential, because he apparently can't field for shit. I mean, seriously....that's the best picture you could find of the kid? Yikes. Their Minor League talent must be awesome!

2) Bodog has the World Series odds up for this year, and the Nationals are 125-1. The Pirates? 150-1. Yeahhhhhhhhh! Have a seat, lunch meats.

3) And, finally, the Pirates are 16-12 in Spring Training (as of yesterday). Way to peak early, guys. Yup, use up all your hits while the stats don't count for shit, poopie Pirates. Suckers.

(I snapped this picture of Nate McClouth early last year when I told him he was playing the Nationals, but it bears repeating. The thunders coming, baby.)

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Nationals have a fifth catcher in camp?

Per Bill Ladson, the Nats have a new catcher in camp.

Tidbits on Nationals

When they start the regular season against the Marlins on April 6, the Nationals will carry four starters and seven relievers.............

(I clipped a whole bunch of the article out here. If you would like to read the whole thing, clickie here, at your own expense.)

..........Catcher Jose Flores, who hasn't played in an exhibition game since Feb. 28 because of a sore right elbow, will play against the Astros on Saturday.

Posted on March 25, 2009 at 2:57 PM
Now, here's a list of the catchers that the Nats brought to Major League camp. (Sorted by AB. If it was sorted by love, Wil would be numero uno. Actually, if I sorted it by OBP, Wil would be first, too! That guy rocks my socks.)

Okay..let's see... Herrera was reassigned on 3/10. Molina was reassigned on 3/16. Montz was optioned down on 3/19. That leaves Wil Nieves, Jesus Flores, Javier Valentin, and Josh Bard.

Who in the the hell is this Jose Flores? Beats the shit outta me. Maybe Bill knows...let's ask...

ME: "Hey, Bill. Who is this new catcher Jose Flores that's in camp for the Nats?"


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Shairon Martis is the new Zimmermann

ROY? Yup. Cy Young award? Check. HOF? You bet. Canonization? A real possibility.

At the current rate NN Martis is going, he'll not only make the rotation, but he'll steal the hearts of all the ladies in the world. I showed my neighbor (a huge Nats fan) his line from yesterday this spring:

I had to catch her moments after I took this picture of her.

In all seriousness, Shairon, who I introduced you to last fall, seems to have the inside shot at the 4th starting slot. There is talk among some that the Nats could keep NN down in AA or AAA until June 1st, which would put off arbitration and free agency by one year. They could easily skate by with a four man rotation through the first few weeks of the season, and maybe throw Bergie or (insert someone elses name here) in the five spot until June. Collin seems to not be one of those names, however, as he's all but pitched himself out of the rotation at this point. I love, love, love the kid, but he isn't locating his fastball well enough, and his pitch count is way too high.

But...who really knows? That's what the next two weeks are for, dammit. Now if you excuse me, I've got to go change the name on the back of my generic Nats bobblehead. And make his complexion a bit darker.

Monday, March 23, 2009

The WBC is kinda like... poop on your shoe.

Yes. Like poop on the bottom of your shoe. Please, allow me to explain...

We have a really old cat at home. She's like... 14 years old, and she has bladder stones. These stones make her pee extremely often. I'm talking like... 278 times a day, the poor thing. (I was going to insert a "it's not a going problem, it's a growing problem" joke here, but then I realized female cats ain't got no prostate. Shoot.) Anyway, she loves it on the bed, and sometimes we forget she's in there and close the door to the bedroom (because we don't want her in there, see?). Well, if she's in there more than 30 minutes, you pretty much know she'll have peed on the bed. (Is anyone still with me? It's going somewhere, I promise.) So, you kick her out of the bedroom, and make the walk over to the bed. Then you slowly flatten out the comforter to check for a spot. Then you see one. You know it's pee, right? But...you gotta smell it to make sure. You know...it could just be water. From a non-existent leak in the ceiling. Or... lemonade from the lemonade fairy (you just need to put a nickel under the pillow and BOOM free lemonade). But, of course, it's fricking pee.

What in the hell does the WBC have to do with cat pee on your bed? Or poop on your shoe? (Which is the same thing as the pee..you know it's dog shit, but maybe you smell it anyway. Just in case it's mud or, I dunno, a Tootsie Roll. In fact, I probably could've just written the preceding paragraph about poop on your shoe instead of a cat urinating on your bed, but I didn't.) Here's what...

I'm watching the WBC in horror as the team is completely and utterly mismanaged. I'm staring at the screen saying, "This is utter dog shit (or cat pee). What the hell is this?"
And I refuse to believe it's shit, and I convince myself it's real, honest, fair baseball. "It's not pee on my bed..." I say, "It's not."

But it IS dog shit. It IS cat piss. I still smell it to be sure, and rub my eyes in disbelief. But I know.

The US will never have a team in the WBC on a level playing ground with Korea, Japan, Cuba, or even Chinese Taipei. The MLB parent squads won't let it happen. That's why, and God knows I love him, you see Joel Hanrahan come in last night when Scott Shields was the obvious choice. That's why Evan Longoria pinch hits, but doesn't enter the game the next inning. Instead, Victorino goes out to play CF. That's why Brian McCann was playing left field the other day, and Davey Johnson contemplated throwing Ted Fucking Lilly out in the outfield the other day. (I can't make this shit up, folks.) That's why Jake Peavy sat there getting drilled against Puerto Rico, and why Oswalt wasn't pulled early enough last night. (Just to make sure Davey knew the rules, I screamed at the TV, "Davey... you know you can use your bullpen any God Damn time, right!!!?)

It's all run by an agenda that will never allow a manager to play to win. Longoria had to get an at bat. He was pulled from Spring Training for this. Victorino had to get his innings, too. As did Hanrahan, Peavy, Oswalt, Dunn, Granderson, and the rest.

The other squads didn't have to worry about making sure everybody got in, like they were in grade school softball. They played to win. They put their best 9 on the field, and didn't hesitate to pull their starting pitcher if he struggled. Yu Darvish threw the 9th inning last night, for Christ sake. The only way a starting pitcher on the US squad is gonna get stretched like that is if Hell freezes the fuck over.

It's cat piss, ya'll. No need to smell it, you know what it is.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Zimmermann bypasses HOF and goes straight to Sainthood.

ROY? Yup. Cy Young award? Check. HOF? You bet. Canonization? A real possibility.

At the current rate NN is going, he'll not only make the rotation, but he'll steal the hearts of all the ladies in the world. I showed my neighbor (a huge Nats fan) his line from yesterday:

I had to catch her moments after I took this picture of her.

I'll leave you with this one tidbit from Buster Olney (via a comment since I'm too cheap to pony up for the Insider package), so all you fellas out there can faint, as well.

Heard this from a scout: Jordan Zimmerman[n] has top-of-the-line, frontline stuff.


Jordan Zimmermann gets the win. ESPN gets the loss.

You know what? I had a longer post all written up, and was ready to publish it. I was watching the WBC, having a few Yuenglings, and just doing one last spell check (which I seem to never pay attention to, btw). Well, what out of the corner of my eye do I spy?

Seriously, ESPN? One N for Jordan? Did you guys fire the Schwab, and have no one capable of looking up the Nationals roster?
World Wide Leader? No, good sirs...World Wide Losers. (In your FACE!)

Anyway, maybe I can have time to throw up the second post later, it being an off day and all. Or maybe I won't. I'm sure you guys don't really care.


Friday, March 13, 2009

The 2009 Season Tickets have arrived

The UPS guy came today (The Nats don't half ass anything. Ain't no USPS shit here. No sir...first class all the way, baby. First class.) and brought me my two season ticket books. It's always a joyous occasion, as I run around shrieking in my house like Chase Utley after he saw Lastings Milledge. Only my shrieks are shrieks of joy, and his are of terror.
It's the same book as last year, except there are pictures on each ticket, instead of a drawing. Like this ticket here, with Mr. Bally Star fist-bumping some lil dude on the mound at Nationals park. (Breaks out 1932 Kodak pocket camera....)

Or, there's this......thing. I'm actually not sure what the hell it is. (Again, breaks out the trusty old pocket cam that has no focus on it)

But the highlight of the book was the ticket for opening day. You know how when people win the lottery, they get one of them big ass cardboard checks? Well, the Nats like that idea, and decided to do it to a ticket. I'm gonna have trouble getting into the park for opening day, because the ticket is BIGGER THAN DMITRI YOUNG. I ain't even bullshittin ya.

That's right folks...have fun going to opening day with your giant plastic ticket. Thanks, Nats front office, for making it impossible for me to conveniently store my ticket anywhere. Seriously...thanks for the foot long ticket. You're doing a great service to thieves everywhere by making the ticket a humongous giant fucking grabbable card. Kudos.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Zimmermann woos HOF balloters

Welp, NN threw for the third time this spring, and once again showed why he is the greatest thing since the Snuggie. He hasn't allowed a run yet, but didn't want to humble the other starters too much, so he did walk 2 dudes this game (for his first walks of the spring). Behold, Jordan's lines through three games:

What we have here, folks, is obvious. The Lord baby Jesus (the son of God, not the catcher) has come to earth once more, to grace us with his presence. The team choice was obvious, as the NL East is like the mecca of all baseball fans, and to play for a NL East team would be an honor to anyone, even the son of God. (Well, except for those two teams up there.) I commend the Savior on his Superman like reappearance. Growing up and honing his craft in remote Auburndale, WI has kept him out of the public eye until now. His time to rule has come, however. Prepare to kneel at his throne, all baseball hitters. (But especially you, Chase Utley!)

Not to be outdone, however, Eyebrows has almost mirrored The Lord's Jo-Jo's Spring line, and is proving himself to be a messiah of his own.

Johnny has been pushed to the back pages so far, which might be playing into his hands, as well. You see... just like Jesus (the son of God, not the catcher) had Mary Magdalene for his best friend, Jordan has Johnny. And just like Jesus (the son of God, not the catcher) and Mary grew up playing stick ball, and ding-dong-ditch together, perfecting their hand-eye coordination and strength, NN has Eyebrows to learn from and improve with. Johnny doesn't want the spotlight, however, so he's happy to lay low while J-Z lays the groundwork for the religion that shall be THE NATS!

This whole scenario was laid out to me last night by my little hamster buddy, Hammy. We sat around drinking until 3AM, at which point I gathered up all that I had absorbed from our discussion and explained it to him the same as I have above. His reaction? Mind-blown, dudes. Mind. Blown.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Nationals fans sport colors away from home.

While at the shows this past weekend, I saw two different folks sporting the Nats logo. Which is very weird...for two reasons.
  1. Who wears sports related shirts to a Phish show? Seriously. It's just....weird. A hat? Sure (lot's of Phillies stuff this weekend, for some reason), but a shirt or jersey?
  2. Who wears Nats stuff away from DC? The media has so hammered home the point that there aren't even any fans in the DC metro area, that I was positive I would be the only human being wearing Nats related garb within a 120 mile radius.
Now, I present to you...that Nats gallery from this past weekend at Hampton Coliseum.

This gentleman decided to accessorize with a red lei around his neck, and a Red Hook is his throat. I was too embarrassed to ask him what his hat was, since I felt creepy enough taking a picture of a dude in the bathroom.

This gentleman explained to me that he breaks out his Sunday red Zimm jersey every Sunday, no matter what he's doing. He was dead serious, too. "If I so much as get a haircut, I got my shit on" he said. I asked him if he sports the tall red socks ala Zimmy as well. His response? "Na, I can't pull that shit off like Ryan. That and tall socks itch my legs." I hear ya bro. I hear ya.

This will certainley maybe hopefully be the last Phish related item I post. I promise. (Shit...forgot to let you all know you can download the MP3s for free at livephish.com for a limited time.)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

One damn fine hotel

Are you planning a trip to Hampton, Va, but you would like to use your heating/cooling unit?

At the awesomely awesome Econo Lodge, they say, "Figure this shit out, pal."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Shawn Hill is who I thought he was.

Shawn Hill is going to see that super famous surgeon, Dr. James Andrews. I know, buddy..I know. You're super fucking pissed about this...but take a step back. Remember...it's Shawn "Barbaro" Hill we're talking about. (How many times have I used Barbaro as an adjective for the Nats, btw? 10? 50? 100?)
My guess? He'll rest for half the season, try and throw again, only to be put back on the 60 day DL. Then Pattersoned. Last year's comments are ringing true, it seems.
WHAT? Shawn Hill will miss a start? He's the fucking Cal Ripken of pitchers, though, right?
Okay, I'm leaving to go down to Hampton, VA for a long weekend. Why? Mind your business! (Just kidding. The boys are getting the band back together. What band? My email address (see that 'email me' link on the top right?) will give it away.) So...I prolly won't update till I get back. Enjoy all the games without me, folks.

I'll leave you with one thought to rummage around your brain: Who was that guy in the 41 jersey these past few years? Shawn Hill? OR... Steve-o? It's all making sense now!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Jordan Zimmermann has second stellar outing in a row

Jordan M. Zimermann. The amount of n's are important. Two of them, to be exact. I've never been accused of being a rational person, so I'm not about to start now. Ladies and Gentlemen. I'd like to present to you the 2009 ROY and Cy Young award winner, Mr. Jordan Zimermannnnnnnnnnnn!

Peep these two spring training outings. (What? Spring training stats aren't important? Fuck the fuck off, man. Go harsh someone else's buzz.... God Damn Negative Nancy.)

February 26th, 2009 vs. Detroit Tigers.

March 4th, 2009 vs. New York Mets.

Want some of my Flavor Aid now (I hear the grape is delicious)?

Here's what we do know after two outings for Zimnn (Christ, that nickname sucks. We'll end this post with some nicknames to choose from): The kid hasn't faced over the minimum amount of batters. So, no hits have been allowed, and no walks have been allowed. (Take note, Ross Detwiler...Mr. give up 4 walks and a hit without ever getting a single friggin batter out. Gah!) Now, how do the outs he recorded break down? Well, he faced 15 batters, struck out 6, got 8 to ground out and 1 fly ball out. 1. One. Uno. For a park that projects to be the 13th best hitters park in baseball - Or, the 18th best pitchers park in baseball, however you like to look at it - that low amount of flyballs means he's only gonna give up......like......2 homeruns. In his career! Jesus. He wouldn't give up a run ever if he was at Petco.

For the record, I hope he doesn't bump Bally out of a spot. I'd really like Shawn Hill to be sent to the bullpen so that his "arm" doesn't get overworked. (Only 28 starts in 2 years, Shawn? Let's prove your "arm" is, I dunno, an actual arm before we take up a spot for you, and deal a young kid a crushing blow by sending them to Syracuse.)

Oh, just to remind you half-empty dudes of something....The pick that was used to draft Zimnn? Compensation for Soriano, bitches. Ya'll cried like babies back in '06 when he wasn't traded.

So there you have it, folks. Proof positive that Jordan will be the most Dominant. Pitcher. Ever.

Now, let's get him a good nickname, shall we? I'll throw out a couple to start...
  • Jordan "Don't call him Ryan" Zimmermann
  • Jordan "J-Z" (or...is that Jay-Z?) Zimmermann
  • Jordan"He's not Ryan" Zimmermann
  • Jordan "Double N" (will be spelt NN) Zimmermann
  • Jordan "If you call him Ryan again he'll punch you" Zimmermann
  • Jordan "Jo-Jo" Zimmermann
  • Jordan "Punchy" Zimmermann
Did you see what I did there? His last one is "Punchy" cause he punched somebod..... ah fuck it. For now, he's called "Rice Cake" because he kinda has a bland personality, as witnessed in the Dan Steinberg interview below. I hope to God The Big Donkey can rub off on him. With his personality, people. (Geez. You immature folks disappoint me make me smile.)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Nats beat Mario and Luigi.

So, the Nats won their exhibition today with the Italian WBC team. Before you get too exited, I did some research half-assed web searching and it appears only around five of their guys have decent Major League experience. Also, the Nats bullpen blew a 6-0 lead. But, there were a couple good things. Eyebrows went 3 IP giving up 0 runs, 1 hit and 1 BB. After him, Martis threw 3 IP with 0 runs, 2 hit, 1 BB, and 2 K. The boxscore also tells me Zimm and DOOKS! had a triple each, with Milledge, Wil the Thril, Javier Valentin and Alex Cintron also joining in the extra base hit parade. DOOKS! hit a solo homerun, but his boy, and student, Roger Bernadina had the biggest hit of the game with a 3 run walk-off homer in the bottom of the 9th. Elijah has apparently taken Roger under his wing, and gifted him the power that can only come from a human that sweats as much as Dukes.
After practice, both Dukes and Bernadina went into the locker room with Dukes giving Bernadina tips. The session lasted about 10 minutes. There was Dukes holding the bat and demonstrating how to hold the bat from both sides of the plate. Dukes also was telling Bernadina how to get more power to his swing.
Good job, fellas. Go buy yourselves an ice cream cone on me. Na, screw it, upgrade to a twisty cone.

So, you see, it was a pretty good day for the Nats today. All is well............SHIT. Are you kidding me? Seriously? GOD! DAMMIT!

It appears Nick Johnson was hit by a pitch. Who had March 3rd as Slick's last game played for the season? You can pick up your prize at coat check.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Nats John Lannan to overhaul his entire delivery.

Even though Johnny Lannan (EYEBROWS!) has had success in his 2 years up in the big leagues, he has decided to abandon his current delivery, and try this whole pitcher thing as a righty.

This has me seriously concerned about Randy St.Claire's competency. Or Hazel Mae's. (I'm leaning much more to the latter, to be honest with you.)

Bowden out. Nats Front Office now crossed of the no-call list.

More props to Chico, as he seemed to break this first. Jim Bowden is out as GM of the Washington Nationals. What's even more stunning is how he did it - by resigning.
Some things JimBo always came across as were arrogant, stuck in the past, arrogant, stubborn, and arrogant. Kudos to who ever it was that convinced JimBo to resign, as opposed to being fired. I know his ego had to take a huge hit, but he felt he had
...become a distraction, and unless you're [unsigned free agent] Manny Ramirez there's no place for distractions in baseball.
Now, before you canonize the guy (not sure that word should ever be used when in conjunction with JimBo), he certainly took a shot at his detractors on the way out.
I am disappointed by the media reports regarding investigations into any of my professional activities," Bowden said in a statement released by the team. "There have been no charges made, and there has been no indication that parties have found any wrongdoing on my part
My resignation is based upon my realization that my ability to properly represent the Washington Nationals has been compromised because of false allegations contained in the press.

I'll leave it for other sites, mostly Steven, to analyze and dissect the departure. But I urge Chico and all the other media guys to purchase bullet proof vests and those sunglasses with mirrors on the corners so you can see when JimBo is creeping up on you with the machete.

Lastly, I caught up with Zim down in Viera, and had the opportunity to ask him if he felt this was for the best of the team. I don't think he wanted any quotes out there being attributed to him, so he didn't say anything. But his body language sure did reveal a lot.

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P.S. Zim apparently has the power to make objects appear and dissapear at will. I told you, he's not human.