The man is trying to keep Nyjer Morgan down.

EDIT: Anyone coming for the Hitler Nyjer/Lastings trade video found on YouTube, it's at the bottom of the post. Read the early shit though too, dammit!

The man in this instance is the monstrosity called ESPN. Did you watch last night's game? Yeah... it had large quantities of shit in it, but remember Nyjer leading off the bottom of the 6th with that bunt base hit? That was all kinds of awesomeness. Only... if you listen to ESPN, they said it shouldn't of counted.

Well, ESPN, allow me to retort. (Use your Kenny Powers voice here.) YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG, AND I'M FUCKING RIGHT!

Rule 6.06 (a) of the Official MLB Rulebook (.pdf link) states:

6.06 A batter is out for illegal action when -
(a) He hits a ball with one or both feet on the ground entirely outside the batters box.

I know reading comprehension is underrated these days, but c'mon. You don't understand the word 'entirely'? It means to the full or entire extent. It doesn't mean some, or half, or a little bit. It mean the whole God damn foot.

Good thing MLB pays umpires to apply the rules during a game, cause if ESPN had their way, they'd take a run off the board, and the Nats need every fucking run they can get. And then some.

UPDATE: An anonymous commenter (I love each and every one of you bastards!) pointed out that one of the YouTube links after my video above ends is called "Hitler sounds off on Lastings/Nyjer trade." (Paraphrased, any way.) I watched it, and it is a must see. It is my pleasure to show you this masterpiece of epic proportions. Turn the sound down, or throw on some damn headphones, and prepare for your face to be blown. (That didn't come out right, did it?)

Boswell watches another game called baseball than I do.

That sport with 9 people per side, 9 fielding at one time versus one batter at a time.... baseball, right? The guy who stands on the pile of dirt throwing to the batter...that's a pitcher, right?

I haven't spoken out against Thomas Boswell before, mostly cause I like the dude, he writes well, and is knowledgeable. Except, that ends now. He has said over and over that drafting a pitcher with the #1 overall pick is a horrible thing to do. He also let out this beauty in today's Washington Post chat.

Tom Boswell: Anybody who drafts a pitcher with an overall pick between 5 and 15 is out of their mind. Just my opinion.......
......Most of the pitchers who have been taken in the first 18 picks that you'd be glad you picked __maybe not Griffey Jr ecstatic, but happy__ came in the first five overall. In other words, they REALLY jumped out. But between 6-and-15, it's a nightmare. For example, 6 and 7 overalls have produced Bonds, Jeter, Sheffield, van Slyke, Thomas, Prince Fielder, Nick Markakis, etc. The 44 No. 6 overalls and the 44 No. 7 overalls __88 picks since '65__ have produced....Rich Dotson. And nobody else I even bothered to write down.

Well, God damn, Boz. I wrote down four names just looking at one fucking draft. The 2002 MLB draft produced:

• Zack Greinke at number 6
• Joe Saunders at 12
• Scott Kazmir at 15
• Cole Hamels at 17
• Jeremy Guthrie at 22
• Matt Cain at 25

...Hmm. He'll take... hang on a second, I have to scroll up to get his name... Rich Dotson. He'll take Rich Doston over the names above? How about a couple more, cause I don't really want to hunt through all the drafts. But then again, maybe I'm using a different definition of "pitcher" than he.

The next few drafts came up with Clayton Kershaw at number 7 in 06, followed by Tim Lincecum at 10 in the same draft, and Max Scherzer next at 11. Yeah, bunch of useless arms these folks are, right Tom? Bunch of fucking chopped liver.

Now, imagine my surprise when I'm catching up on my Twitter feed, when a couple folks pointed out this article with very sage advice.

Next, the Nats need to admit to themselves that looking out over the next several years, they don't have a top-flight closer, or perhaps even setup man, in their entire organization. Yesterday's blown leads of 8-4 after six innings and 10-9 in the ninth are the latest evidence. Facing a problem doesn't solve it, but it opens the way. Making a trade, signing a free agent or using their No. 10 overall draft pick in June for a young closer is needed.

Are you fucking serious, dude? Do you have any idea how closers actually...become closers? It ain't through the draft, but don't let that bother you, Boz.

You know what? I don't want to write about Boswell and the Nats anymore. This here column's baseball related talk is over.

I leave you with a great problem solver for your abode and worms. We have a problem with worms at our place. They find a way to get in/around/under the door, so they're always getting dragged in the house by the dogs, or when the door opens. I was gonna spend some money on some product to alleviate the problem. Well...thank Flores I didn't, cause my wife solved the problem for $0.00. Seriously. All you have to do is place one of these at whatever point of infiltration the worms are using.


This stopped them from coming in. Seriously. Did you know those fuckers could read? I didn't even know they had eyeballs.

Dear Bob Carpenter.

Dear ass clown Bob,

Hi. Long time watcher, second time letter writer. Listen...about your calling of the games...I'm gonna repeat myself a little, but I have a couple new pointers as well. Allow me to proceed? (In other words, pretend I'm not Rob Dibble, who you love to constantly talk over.)

• My biggest pet peeve still exists with you, good sir. Please be aware that when you state something like, "Here's the pitch, and it's foul-tipped to the backstop" you're incorrect. For a ball to be ruled a foul-tip, it has to go sharp and direct from the batters bat to the catchers mitt, and be caught. If the catcher doesn't hang on after it hits his mitt...well...it's just a good old fashioned foul. But then again, you're not clear on the foul ball rules either, skippy.
  
• Hey, dude? You're on TV. That means that your audience actually has eyeballs, and can see the game. Please resist your urge to forecast the plays, because you're fucking killing me. If I have to hear something along the lines of..."How far is this one gonna go?" only to see it caught ten feet from the wall again, I'm going to kill your cat. Also, please refrain from calling a ball a hit until it hits the fucking ground, and calling the runner out until the throw beats him to a forced bag, or he gets fucking tagged.
• Here's a new one I caught from you last night, Carpster. (I can call you that, right? Thanks.) There was some chirping going on from the Nats dugout when a pick-off attempt at first happened. They wanted a balk called. I missed what happened initially, so I was eager to hear the announcers break it down for me. Carpy didn't disappoint with the brilliant suggestion that "maybe they're saying he didn't come to a complete pause before throwing to first." What the fuck is coming out of your mouth, sir? Jumping monkeys on a pogo stick! Seriously? Just what the hell are your qualifications? ::Checks Wikipedia:: Wow. 33 years in baseball, and you don't know what a fucking balk is?!? Then again, you questioned the ruling of a line drive last year, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.
  

Okay, Bobby. That'll about do it for today. I appreciate you reading this letter, and sending me some good feedback. But..since you won't, I'll just imagine how it would go...

::phone rings::

Me: Hello?


Carpster: Hey hey, little buddy! How's my main man doing? Huh? All right! Hey, thanks for the feedback, tiger. I appreciate all the little people out there that enjoy my work!

::points his fingers at the speaker phone he's using on his desk and fires off two gunshots from his fingers::

Me: Yeah, hey, did you read my....

Carpinater: Can't say enough about how much I enjoy getting fan mail. Hey, do you own an official Bob Carpenter score book? Bet you'd get a thrill outta having one show up in the mail...signed by me, wouldn't ya? All right kiddo, I'll make it happen.

Me: Actually, Bob I.....

Bobby C: Okay party peoples, I gotta get moving. As always, I love my fans. You stay outta trouble you little scamp, you. OHH, gotta go, I just saw a hot little number walk by. Time to turn on the ol' Carpster magic.

::tries to hang up phone but hits the wrong button, allowing me to hear still::

Muffled Bob voice from down the hall: Hey, hey, little lady! You got it going on! Hey, I'd love to see how far this one could go, if you know what I mean...And I think you do!

::Voice trails off...

Ryan Zimmerman = Smiley Gonzalez??

My heart sank when I saw this graphic pop up on yesterday's (CRAPPY NON-HD) masn broadcast.




I'm sure we're all still reeling from the Smiley Gonzalez (Did we ever figure out his name? Carlos Alvarez? Daniel Lugo? Carlos Lugo? Alvarez Daniel? Sarunas Jasikevicius?) fiasco, so I know this must be like Ray Lewis' stabbing of that guy who was already beaten up by his posse and couldn't defend himself. A sucker punch. Right to the groin.

But...if there's one thing I've learned, it's that the media is never wrong. Ever. So, I'm sorry to break it to you guys...but Ryan's really 49 years old. (Okay, I may be nit-picking a little. It's only his fourth opening day start, but it is his fifth season. No. Fuck it. I'm not nit-picking. These people get paid to do this shit. Why in Flores' name can't they get things right?)

And to answer your question...No. I will not speak of last night's game debacle. I do not feel the need to regurgitate that stuff like I was the daddy eagle, and you're the babies. You're big folks. So stop crying. Please?

Nationals have a fifth catcher in camp?

Per Bill Ladson, the Nats have a new catcher in camp.

Tidbits on Nationals

When they start the regular season against the Marlins on April 6, the Nationals will carry four starters and seven relievers.............

(I clipped a whole bunch of the article out here. If you would like to read the whole thing, clickie here, at your own expense.)

..........Catcher Jose Flores, who hasn't played in an exhibition game since Feb. 28 because of a sore right elbow, will play against the Astros on Saturday.

Posted on March 25, 2009 at 2:57 PM

Now, here's a list of the catchers that the Nats brought to Major League camp. (Sorted by AB. If it was sorted by love, Wil would be numero uno. Actually, if I sorted it by OBP, Wil would be first, too! That guy rocks my socks.)


Okay..let's see... Herrera was reassigned on 3/10. Molina was reassigned on 3/16. Montz was optioned down on 3/19. That leaves Wil Nieves, Jesus Flores, Javier Valentin, and Josh Bard.

Who in the the hell is this Jose Flores? Beats the shit outta me. Maybe Bill knows...let's ask...

ME: "Hey, Bill. Who is this new catcher Jose Flores that's in camp for the Nats?"

BL:

Jordan Zimmermann gets the win. ESPN gets the loss.

You know what? I had a longer post all written up, and was ready to publish it. I was watching the WBC, having a few Yuenglings, and just doing one last spell check (which I seem to never pay attention to, btw). Well, what out of the corner of my eye do I spy?


Seriously, ESPN? One N for Jordan? Did you guys fire the Schwab, and have no one capable of looking up the Nationals roster?
World Wide Leader? No, good sirs...World Wide Losers. (In your FACE!)

Anyway, maybe I can have time to throw up the second post later, it being an off day and all. Or maybe I won't. I'm sure you guys don't really care.

/Sniffle

Nats John Lannan to overhaul his entire delivery.

Even though Johnny Lannan (EYEBROWS!) has had success in his 2 years up in the big leagues, he has decided to abandon his current delivery, and try this whole pitcher thing as a righty.




This has me seriously concerned about Randy St.Claire's competency. Or Hazel Mae's. (I'm leaning much more to the latter, to be honest with you.)

Bill Ladson puts Josh Smoker at Stanford. I'm SHOCKED!

Bill Ladson's latest article, in which he informs us of Josh Smoker's left shoulder surgery, also lets us know he's attending college. More specifically, Stanford University.

In two professional seasons, Smoker, who also attends Stanford University, made 13 starts, giving up 23 earned runs in 18 innings.

I'm not sure how Bill got this information, though. Can he be confusing the Nationals sandwich pick from 07 (Smoker), with the 6th round pick of that year, Jack McGeary?Na, he couldn't be.. could he? McGeary was intent on going to Stanford on a scholarship instead of signing with an MLB club in 2007. The Nationals, however, got creative, and McGeary signed, allowing him to play professionally for the Nats and attend Stanford (on the Nats dime) in the offseason. I think Bill confused the two, which is an indication that not only is he still into the heavy drug use, but also drinking moonshine. By the barrel. Daily.

How did I come to the conclusion Smoker is NOT attending classes at Stanford? Well, for one, he grew up in Calhoun, GA. and had a scholarship offer from Clemson, which he actually accepted before signing at the last minute with the Nats. If he were to go to school, I would put him there. Two, the Nats planned to send him to pitch in the Fall instructional league

Smoker will report on Saturday to the team's rookie-level Gulf Coast league affiliate in Viera, Fla., and then will pitch in the club's fall instructional league

Unfortunately for Josh, he would have to miss some classes while playing in the fall league, since school would have started by then. Three, this article by Barry states he spent the off season in Calhoun, GA:

The decision to sign started Smoker on his path here, through two starts in the New York-Penn League (lasting four innings with a 4.50 ERA), then three weeks in instructional league, then an offseason back in Calhoun.

"I'm used to the small-town life in the offseason," he said.

How does one attend college in California while living in Georgia? I'm thoroughly confused here. And finally, a search of the Stanford student directory does not come up with anyone named Smoker as registered. It does come up with a McGeary, however. Weird how that happens, isn't it?

Bill, if you need help with any fact checking on future columns, just hit me up. I come cheap, and I would do my best to hide your hooch while you're writing. Let me know!

Bill Ladson is mainlining now. Stop the insanity!

Well, I always knew Ladson was on drugs, but he just went from chasing the dragon to mainlining his heroin with his latest mailbag. Two answers, in particular, just made me want to shake the shit out of him.

Is Ryan Zimmerman a .290 hitter and a 30-homer, 100-RBI guy or am I expecting too much?
-- Tony L., Amelia, Va.

No, you are not expecting too much. In fact, what I expect from Zimmerman is much higher than your numbers. He is aware of it, too. I see batting and RBI titles in his future. I think he can be a 30-30 player if manager Manny Acta gave him the chance to steal bases. Of course, I want to see more bunting from him. To me, Zimmerman is a complete player.

Jesus Christ, Bill. You can not be serious! Batting titles? RBI titles? 30 SB and 30 HR? Let's take a trip over to good ol' baseball-reference.com to crunch the numbers, shall we?

First up: batting titles. We all know you have to hit at an absurd rate to win the NL title, but just how absurd? The BA leaders in the last 10 years (plus the current season):

• 2008 (so far): Pujols .361
• 2007: Holliday .340
• 2006: Freddy Sanchez (seriously) .344
• 2005: Derreck Lee .335
• 2004: Bonds .362
• 2003: Pujols .359
• 2002: Bonds .370
• 2001: Larry walker .350
• 2000: Todd Helton .372
• 1999: Walker .379
• 1998: Walker .363

If you average out those, it comes to a .358 batting average. .358! Ryan Zimmerman. .358! I love you to death, Zim, but ain't no way in hell you'll hit anywhere near well enough to beat Pujols, Chipper, Berkman, Holliday, Lee, and any other randoms like Freddy Sanchez.

Next: RBI Title. Again, we'll turn to baseball-reference.com, and list the last ten years, and this one:

• 2008 (so far): Ryan Howard 125
• 2007: Holliday 137
• 2006: Howard 149
• 2005: Andruw Jones 128
• 2004: Vinny Castilla 131
• 2003: Preston Wilson (for real): 141
• 2002: Berkman 128
• 2001: Sosa 160
• 2000: Helton 147
• 1999: McGwire 147
  
• 1998: Sosa 158

Average? 128 RBI. Who in the hell is going to be getting on base enough for you, in the three hole, to drive in 130 runs?

The 30-30 mention? First of all, there is no way Manny lets Zim loose on the bases. He won't even let Milledge loose, God damnnit! Anyway, the yearly breakdown of Zim's SB:

• 2004 (at UVA): Successful steal on 13 of 14 attempts in 59 games, a .93% success rate.
• 2005 (No SB attempts once he got called up, all in the Minors): 1 of 7 in 67 games, 14%.
• 2006: 11 of 19 in 157 games, 57%.
• 2007: 4 of 5 in 162 games, 80%.
• 2008 (so far): 1 of 2 in 93 games, 50%

Safe to say Manny won't let him run (7 attempts in Manny's 2 years)? Also safe to say that he won't steal 30??
30 HRs? That's a little harder to figure out. He wasn't a power guy in college. Hell, he only hit one HR in 2004, and hit nine total in his entire College career (174 games). He did surprise a little with seasons of 20 and 24 HR in 06 and 07, though, and has shown some pop recently. 4 homers in his last 13 games after hitting 0 in the previous 37 games.

Look, I like Zim. Hell, I love him. I have two Zim bobbleheads here at work, and my tag for him in my blog posts is "The non human." But, can he live up to what Ladson predicts for him? He's got a better chance of getting Ladson to stop his weekly diesel deliveries from Afghanistan.

Will Larry Broadway be getting a September callup? Don't you think it's about time the Nationals' front office gave him a chance on the big stage?
-- Dyer T., Sanches, N.M.

I'm probably one of the few people in America who believes Broadway will be a successful Major Leaguer. It will never happen with the Nationals, though, because he doesn't have enough power. He will be a free agent after the season and sign somewhere else.

I have no clue why Ladson has such a hard on for Broadway. Larry might be a good guy, hell, maybe a great guy, but he's not a good baseball prospect. He'll turn 28 in December, and went to Duke. That's two reason to limit his appeal right there. He plays first base, but his largest HR total in a single year was 22 in 130 games back in 2004 at Harrisburg. He's spent the last three season at AAA hitting 15, 13, and 9 HR in 123, 105, and 130 games respectively. That's not MLB first baseman productivity. He is a Minor League free agent now, though, so maybe someone elsewhere will give him a shot. I hope so, cause it ain't gonna happen here.

Now, Bill, for the sake of your family...quit the heroin, okay? Also, a few less cheeseburgers might not hurt, either. And some LASIK. I'm just saying...