Brycey got a bit spicy. And then got a shower.

Ho hum. 19-year-old Bryce Harper hit the game winning single last night in the 12th inning to give the Nats the win over the Mets. Just another pimping moment in Bryce's pimping life. And, as you know, pimping is dirty business, so Mikey Mo was there to clean him off.

(As an aside, welcome back, Mikey. After what seemed like 19 straight ground outs to shortstop, he hit two doubles last night. The Beast abides.) Who didn't get the Gatorade shower, though? Sideline Dugout reporter Kristina Akra. After not being able to run fast enough in the past, she bolted to her left as soon as she saw the Gatorade this time. Unfortunately, though, there wasn't much room to her left, and she ran right into a camera guy. Oopsies.

Before the showering, however, was this wonderful scene. "BROSKI! IS JUMPY TIME!"

Tonight has Edwin Jackson on the bump, up against... well, some Met. Too lazy to look at the moment. It's Jackson's... wait, what start number is this for Jackson? Not to knock Edwin, but he sure has become the forgotten guy in this rotation, yeah? I mean, I'm struggling to remember even one of his starts. Maybe that's why this guy has been on seven teams in ten years. He produces, but just doesn't produce any memorable games. Except for that no hitter that he threw in Tampa Bay Detroit Arizona. Of course, that was just a matter of wearing down the other team. Just throw 200 pitches, and they'll get sick of looking at balls and start swinging at anything. Let's do one of those tonight, Edwin!

Ryan Zimemrman kills it, and Bryce Harper... also kills it. Too. As well.

If you didn't see Ryan Zimmerman's colossal shot that just missed hitting the left field concourse by a couple rows, well, you can click here. Or, just look below. In handy, dandy gif form is Zim just destroying some leather-wrapped cork and twine.

As a certain black orange brown (what the fuck color is Goofy?) animated dog would say, "GORSH!" Mike Leake probably wishes he would have stolen some sand to bury his head in instead of those t-shirts, AM I RIGHT?!?!? (Jokes about four-month-old news, folks. Yup, that's what you're getting right here.)

Not to be outdone, however, was Bryce Harper, who destroyed a baseball himself a couple nights ago. Not only was it his first homerun in front of the home field fans at Harrisburg, it was also a walk-off moon shot the likes of which, well, we'll get to that... First, witness the greatness:

Did you see where that ball went? It cleared the batter's eye in dead center field. That batter's eye wall is 400 feet from the plate. And its height? Great googly moogly! A closer look at that wall reveals just how incredible that home run was. I found this picture of it on the interwebs:

Now, what's that thing standing by the wall?

HOLY GODZILLA! Man! Whoa! A quick check of Wikipedia reveals that Godzilla stands 328 feet tall. His head seems to be above the wall, leaving the height of the wall to be from his feet to his neck, or, like, 300 feet tall. Now, if you factor in the height of the batter's eye (300') and the distance the batter's eye is from the plate (400') you get the true distance of how far that ball traveled. Don't worry yourself with the figures, though, as I did the math for you folks. (This is a full service blog, after all.) Are you ready for it?

Bryce Harper hit that ball 7,234,176 feet!!!!!!! That's gotta be, like, some kind of record, right?! Hey, Bryce, if that is a record, just let me know if you want me to get in touch with the folks over at the Guinness Book of World Records to provide them with my data. Then it can be all official like.

Zim be broken. Again.

Welp, like I thought... Zim was officially placed on the 15 day DL. Le sigh... They list his injury as a strained abdominal muscle, and said he strained it sliding into second base head first. (Side note: A lot of emphasis has been placed on trying to get guys to go into the bases feet first over head first. All I know is... If I went feet first into second base that time with Katie McDermitt, she'd be pretty pissed.) Now, I don't remember the game all that well, so I'm cuing it up right now. I'm just gonna fast forward to all of his plays... Okay, here comes an at bat. I see him setting up to swing, and .... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

Yup, looks to me like he just SPLIT THE FUCK IN HALF at the plate. Looks like Zimmy's gonna miss more than just 3-4 weeks.

Someone get Dr. Leo Spaceman on the phone STAT. This seems to be something right up his alley.

Ryan Zimmerman is taking over TEH WORLD!

I got a chance to see Ryan (and a lot of other guys) last week during the Winter Caravan thingie. I have another post to write on that entire subject, and I promise it's coming, but I want to focus on Zimmerman first, as he is now laying claim to everything baseball.
As you know, he won not only the Gold Glove for NL 3B, but the Silver Slugger award as well. That, my friends? Not. Too. Shabby. So, I got to see him at White Flint mall last Saturday, and casually congratulated him on that. His response was something like, "Meh, thanks. I appreciate it. I worked hard, and it payed off."
Ryan... dude... for the love of the Jesus, you can walk the walk, but talk the goddamn talk, brother! You know what I want to hear from you? "Thanks, man, I deserved it. I mean... did you see me out there? I was fucking magnificent. Seriously... I played my ass off, and it showed come award time."
Well, I think he read my mind, cause just yesterday I powered up my PlayStation and threw in my copy of MLB '98. (What? I should have a new fangled PS3, or a Wii? How bout you throw some cash my way via my paypal account and I will. You guys already came up lame buying me this and this, though, so I won't hold my breath on the game console.) And what happened when I pushed the power button on my PlayStation, and MLB '98 started? Zim, the goddamn man that he is, has transcended normal human boundaries, my friends. He is now destroying the machine world as well. Take a look, as I was lucky enough to have my video camera not only powered on, but recording the TV at the time! Seriously!

Zim hacked my game from Section 138 on Vimeo.

It's only a matter of time before he's manipulating our minds into doing all his bidding. Which I will gladly do. For reals.

Still with me? Good, one last story. I also asked him why Karl Ravech was calling Ryan "Z Pack" on the ESPN Web Gems special. Ryan's answer?
"I have no idea."
"Where did that come from?" I asked.
"I think it's a drug, some kind of antibiotic."
"But you've never been called that before, right?"
"Nope. Never."
"But... you didn't correct him?"
At which point Zim just kinda shrugged his shoulders.

You should have murdered him in his face with your fists, Ryan. With your fists!


(Wiki link for the reference that inspired the picture for those of you that are too young, too old, or too like my wife to understand it.)

Ryan Zimmerman wins 2009 Gold Glove Award.

Yay, Zimmy! Let's hope it doesn't weigh you down too much and take away your range. Looks good on ya, kid.

So... about that AFL squad...

Well, I was all set to see two Nats prospects play in the AFL Rising Stars Game last Saturday. Then, word came out that Stephen Strasburg was pulled from the start because of a neck injury. Given that he's now a National, and injuries only prove horribly horrible, I decided to dig into the issue, and see what the real deal was. I traveled to Arizona (In my mind! Beat that, Uri Geller!) and back in time (Take that, Doc Brown!) to see the throwing session that caused Stras the injury. I must warn you... if you have small children reading this blog, you may want to have them turn away. And you may want to reconsider your parenting model. I'm not sure I would subject my kid to "shit goddamn" as often as it is uttered here. Anyway... onto the film...

Gah! SHIT GODDAMN! But hey, I hear this Strasburg kid is tough, so maybe he can just rub some dirt on it and he'll be okay.

But, it wasn't all bad for the Nats in the Future Stars game. My bestest buddy, Drew Storen, made an appearance. It's justtoo bad the home plate umpire decided not to show up, though. Drew came into the game in the bottom of the 8th with his squad up one run. He battled the first hitter, throwing at least 7 pitches to the guy, if my shitty memory is correct. He had the dude 2-2, and absolutely froze him on a breaking ball. Perfect pitch. I swear. Check it below.



Am I right? It may appear to be a tad low, but the ball passes the plate before the catcher catches it. I'm convinced Blue screwed the pooch on this call. I froze the video at the point I feel the ball crossed the plate.



Those that have followed this blog since the beginning are insane know that I umpired everything from 7 year olds, to Varsity, to wood bat Travel Leagues. In the words of some of the parents that got me to eventually quit umpiring, "Fuck you, Blue! - It's all about you, Blue! - Way to rob my son, Blue! - If my kid commits suicide over this, Blue, I'm gonna fucking hunt you down and kill you!" (Seriousness alert! - All but the last one I actually heard directed towards me. Mostly in NOVA Varsity games. What's with these parents these days?)

Anyway, Even if the ball crossed the plate where the catcher caught it, I still feel the tip of the ball touched the bottom of the zone. What happened next? The batter hit a weak sauce infield single to the second baseman, who couldn't get a handle on it. Then up stepped the catcher, Matt McPoopy, who hit (sorry, Drew) a grooved fastball over the left field wall for a 2R HR. I can only assume McStupid was looking fastball, and Storen gave him one up in the zone. The good news? Drew acted like a goddamn closer should, shook it off, and got the next three batters out in a row with a ground out, and two Ks. Atta boy, Drew. Even if you did do it in long-ass soup-sandwich looking pants. I can look past a player crushing my hopes and dreams if it means betterment of the team. Hell, if I cared too much about every time something crushed me, I would've been dead when Shawshank was robbed at the 1994 Oscars. (Fuck you, Forrest Gump!)

Today is also GOLDEN WEDNESDAY! The NL Gold Glove awards are announced, and Zim should certainly be heading home with the 3rd base trophy. What's that? Derek Jeter won for AL SS yesterday?

Fuck.

Zimmerman and Dukes are jive turkeys.

So, I'm watching Ryan Zimmerman hit his 31st HR (and break up a no hitter) the other night, and I happen to notice him celebrating after he reaches the plate. (I do this a lot now, for some reason. Maybe the celebrations are the best part of the game? I mean... I've seen 100 losses. Maybe my brain just focuses on the good shit?)

He high fives (somebody) and then does a weird finger slappy dappy thingamajiggy with Elijah Dukes. I wish I could show you gus what I'm talking about. Shoot. Oh, wait! I made a video. So, without further ado, I present... "Lijah and Ry'n: Brothers from other mothers."

Zim and DOOKS!, separated at birth? from Section 138 on Vimeo.

When you think about it, though, it's not that hard to believe that Ryan Zimmerman and Elijah Dukes have their own hand pound. Sure, Ryan seems like plain vanilla on radio, film, and photo, as well as in real life, but he wasn't always that way, and he may just be busting his soul out again. See, way back in the late 70s, early 80s, Ryan was very tight with Richard Prior. They were Ebony and Ivory before McCartney and Wonder. Heck, they were Salt and Pepper before Salt-n-Pepa. Pryor and Zimmerman did a couple films together, and were pretty damn famous. Ryan eventually got tired of the limelight, however, and moved to the Tidewater,VA area as a 32 year old back in 1987. One night, after being humiliated attempting to impress a younger lady at a carnival, Ryan went to a wish/fortune-telling machine, called Zoltar Speaks and wished he was young again. He woke up the next day as a three year old, and began his life as we know it today.

Most people don't have the faintest idea that this is, in fact, true, though. Even those that have watched the Pryor and Zimmerman movies swear it's Pryor and Gene Wilder, not Ryan Zimmerman. While it is true that Wilder replaced Zimmerman in the later Pryor films such as "See no Evil, Hear no Evil", Ryan was the man in the first few films. And sure enough, every time I point this out to someone, and they watch one of Zim's films with Pryor, it clicks. In fact, here's a clip from their 1980 smash hit "Stir Crazy."

I rest my case, your honor. If it pleases the court, I would like you to rule for the plaintiff, me, in the amount of $150 MM.

(Here's the "Stir Crazy" clip from youtube, by the way.)

Shocking pictures of Drew Storen with long pants revealed! Flood watch from tears expected.

You know what? I'm just gonna rename the blog "Storen Nation (as viewed from Twitter and beyond)."

Why? Well, maybe it has something to do with the fact that six of the last 21 posts of mine have been devoted to Drew. Or, more-so, devoted to Drew's socks.

And... I continue that trend with a new Drew Storen SOCKS of DOOM! post. It is with a heavy heart, and millions of tears flowing down my cheeks, that I post this picture*. It's like when Brad and Jennifer broke up all over again. (sob.)


Who is that guy with the wicked leg kick, but awful pants? Wait for it...


GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! My God, Drew! Think of your fans. Like this little guy here...


At last check, the vote was 45 people for the SOCKS of DOOM!, and only two against. You know why? Because cool mother fuckers rock the socks, that's why. Like... well, The Non-Human.

That stud Lou Gehrig

And some dude named Cy fricking Young.

You know why only two people have voted to lose the socks? Because they're EVIL, that's why. Look at all these evil people that wear pants. Like... The DEVIL!!!

Saddam Hussein (when he can find them).

And the worst of all.... Chase ASS HAT! Utley (Ugh. I get a chill down my spine anytime someone even mentions his name. Seriously. Just look at that smug shit below. You know he drowns kittens and puppies when he's not busy breaking catcher's legs. Nice fake dirt stains, Chase.)



Seriously, Drew. Don't make me actually have to drive to Harrisburg to... well, to beg and plead while on my knees crying. My wife thinks I'm all grown up, and that would set me back a few years in her eyes.

(*Pants pictures complements of the always awesomely awesome Pam Storen. You can read the article yourself here (starts on page 23). It's actually a good story. Except for, you know, the whole no socks thing.)

The solution to all of Cristian Guzman's fielding problems

Hi there. Hey, did you see last night's game? You did? Yikes, huh!? You didn't? Ah, you missed the debacle of all debacles. I'm actually not sure whether to recommend you try and see it, or congratulate you on having missed it. It was... well... shitty. I'm talking rolling around in it for 500 yards Shawshank Redemption shitty. Steinberg has a really good wrap up with some screen grabs here.

I have no ideas to help Ryan Zimmerman, who grounded into two double plays last night . I have no ideas for The Big Donkey, who struck out three times with RISP. I have no ideas for Joey Beimel, who botched a perfect inning ending double play ball by throwing to the infielder who was actually backing up the throw to second. And, I certainly don't have any ideas for poor Wille Harris, who took a ground ball right to the nuts, except maybe a titanium cup. Nor for Austin Kearns, who would have had a yakety sax made by me except there is already one out there.

But what I do have, folks, is an idea for Cristian Guzman, who all of a sudden thinks he's playing fucking soccer. After kicking three ground balls in the past two games, I threw on my inventor hat, and got busy.

Without further delay (cause... seriously... I've built this shit up enough already, and it actually sucks), and as a tribute to Billy Mays (Hi, Death here for BILLY MAYS!) I give you...

"The Goozie Boots". Strap these puppies on, and you'll be fielding like Ozzie fuckin Smith. (As always, feel free to click to enlarge.)


HUGE hat tip to our own Natmosphere's Miss Chatter, who took this picture and loaded it on her Flickr photostream.

Ryan Zimmerman = Smiley Gonzalez??

My heart sank when I saw this graphic pop up on yesterday's (CRAPPY NON-HD) masn broadcast.




I'm sure we're all still reeling from the Smiley Gonzalez (Did we ever figure out his name? Carlos Alvarez? Daniel Lugo? Carlos Lugo? Alvarez Daniel? Sarunas Jasikevicius?) fiasco, so I know this must be like Ray Lewis' stabbing of that guy who was already beaten up by his posse and couldn't defend himself. A sucker punch. Right to the groin.

But...if there's one thing I've learned, it's that the media is never wrong. Ever. So, I'm sorry to break it to you guys...but Ryan's really 49 years old. (Okay, I may be nit-picking a little. It's only his fourth opening day start, but it is his fifth season. No. Fuck it. I'm not nit-picking. These people get paid to do this shit. Why in Flores' name can't they get things right?)

And to answer your question...No. I will not speak of last night's game debacle. I do not feel the need to regurgitate that stuff like I was the daddy eagle, and you're the babies. You're big folks. So stop crying. Please?

Nationals fans sport colors away from home.

While at the shows this past weekend, I saw two different folks sporting the Nats logo. Which is very weird...for two reasons.

1. Who wears sports related shirts to a Phish show? Seriously. It's just....weird. A hat? Sure (lot's of Phillies stuff this weekend, for some reason), but a shirt or jersey?
   
2. Who wears Nats stuff away from DC? The media has so hammered home the point that there aren't even any fans in the DC metro area, that I was positive I would be the only human being wearing Nats related garb within a 120 mile radius.

Now, I present to you...that Nats gallery from this past weekend at Hampton Coliseum.

This gentleman decided to accessorize with a red lei around his neck, and a Red Hook is his throat. I was too embarrassed to ask him what his hat was, since I felt creepy enough taking a picture of a dude in the bathroom.



This gentleman explained to me that he breaks out his Sunday red Zimm jersey every Sunday, no matter what he's doing. He was dead serious, too. "If I so much as get a haircut, I got my shit on" he said. I asked him if he sports the tall red socks ala Zimmy as well. His response? "Na, I can't pull that shit off like Ryan. That and tall socks itch my legs." I hear ya bro. I hear ya.


This will certainley maybe hopefully be the last Phish related item I post. I promise. (Shit...forgot to let you all know you can download the MP3s for free at livephish.com for a limited time.)

Nats beat Mario and Luigi.

So, the Nats won their exhibition today with the Italian WBC team. Before you get too exited, I did some research half-assed web searching and it appears only around five of their guys have decent Major League experience. Also, the Nats bullpen blew a 6-0 lead. But, there were a couple good things. Eyebrows went 3 IP giving up 0 runs, 1 hit and 1 BB. After him, Martis threw 3 IP with 0 runs, 2 hit, 1 BB, and 2 K. The boxscore also tells me Zimm and DOOKS! had a triple each, with Milledge, Wil the Thril, Javier Valentin and Alex Cintron also joining in the extra base hit parade. DOOKS! hit a solo homerun, but his boy, and student, Roger Bernadina had the biggest hit of the game with a 3 run walk-off homer in the bottom of the 9th. Elijah has apparently taken Roger under his wing, and gifted him the power that can only come from a human that sweats as much as Dukes.

After practice, both Dukes and Bernadina went into the locker room with Dukes giving Bernadina tips. The session lasted about 10 minutes. There was Dukes holding the bat and demonstrating how to hold the bat from both sides of the plate. Dukes also was telling Bernadina how to get more power to his swing.

Good job, fellas. Go buy yourselves an ice cream cone on me. Na, screw it, upgrade to a twisty cone.

So, you see, it was a pretty good day for the Nats today. All is well............SHIT. Are you kidding me? Seriously? GOD! DAMMIT!



It appears Nick Johnson was hit by a pitch. Who had March 3rd as Slick's last game played for the season? You can pick up your prize at coat check.

SIGH

Bowden out. Nats Front Office now crossed of the no-call list.

More props to Chico, as he seemed to break this first. Jim Bowden is out as GM of the Washington Nationals. What's even more stunning is how he did it - by resigning.
Some things JimBo always came across as were arrogant, stuck in the past, arrogant, stubborn, and arrogant. Kudos to who ever it was that convinced JimBo to resign, as opposed to being fired. I know his ego had to take a huge hit, but he felt he had

...become a distraction, and unless you're [unsigned free agent] Manny Ramirez there's no place for distractions in baseball.

Now, before you canonize the guy (not sure that word should ever be used when in conjunction with JimBo), he certainly took a shot at his detractors on the way out.

I am disappointed by the media reports regarding investigations into any of my professional activities," Bowden said in a statement released by the team. "There have been no charges made, and there has been no indication that parties have found any wrongdoing on my part

and

My resignation is based upon my realization that my ability to properly represent the Washington Nationals has been compromised because of false allegations contained in the press.

I'll leave it for other sites, mostly Steven, to analyze and dissect the departure. But I urge Chico and all the other media guys to purchase bullet proof vests and those sunglasses with mirrors on the corners so you can see when JimBo is creeping up on you with the machete.

Lastly, I caught up with Zim down in Viera, and had the opportunity to ask him if he felt this was for the best of the team. I don't think he wanted any quotes out there being attributed to him, so he didn't say anything. But his body language sure did reveal a lot.


P.S. Zim apparently has the power to make objects appear and dissapear at will. I told you, he's not human.

Zimmerman recruiting a big bat?

Well, according to Chico Harlan, he is.

Zim: I'm trying to convince everyone to come. I mean, he likes this place. He [Adam Dunn] likes everything about it, and obviously he knows Jim [Bowden], he knows what he's about. There are a lot of ties that are kind of in there. But it kind of goes back to what we were talking about before about the business side. He's kind of got to wait and see what happens. There's still some time. There are a lot of good players still out there, and we'll kind of see what happens when those other guys start to sign.

That's what the hell I'm talking 'bout, Zim! I like him taking an active role in the building of this organization. I'm also glad he's reaching out, and not just relying on Austin Kearns. My love for Kearnsy is well known...but if we have to rely on a guy who hit .217/.311/.316 for a 102 loss team and JimBo to get Adam...we're fucked. Austin can recruit Dunn till he's blue in the face, but he's not even guaranteed a starting spot this year. Zim's weight carries a 'lil more weight right now, I think.

On a similar note, if they can't get Dunn, the guy in this video comes highly recommended Who is that guy? I know he's a righty, but that's one sweet stroke.

Also, since he connected on 50% of the pitches he swung at, he's ahead of Dunn, WMP, and Kearns on the depth chart already.

Joel wants my money.

Nice cushy gig I got here, huh? Just post once every six days or so. Look. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I'll change, I swear. Gimmie one more chance, okay? Good. Thanks. I love you guys!
Well, we went Friday's fucking nightmare game. The night started out well, we got our camo curly W floppy hats, and grabbed a big huge Hard Time nacho tray. Had a nice Yuengling or three, and was ready to enjoy a great game.
Me and the Mrs. were visited by the doctor, fresh of his cross country drive back to D.C. from Los Angeles. He grabbed a seat next to us and watched a couple innings, after I bought him a beer. Good times. At one point, Joel Hanrahan (NOTE: Joel does NOT like the nickname Hammer Hands. His loss.) was walking around the 'pen, and Elijah Dukes was coming up to bat. I said, "Joel, I'll bet you 10 bucks Dukes goes yard." He replied that he wasn't allowed bet on baseball. Dukes didn't homer, and I was pissed. I was sulking in my seat when the doctor tapped me and pointed at Joel. The fucker was looking at me rubbing his fingers together "Pay me my money." I actually laughed. Anyway, the game went 14 innings (And had the fireworks show cancelled in the 7th inning or so. That's a side rant for later, btw. Has anyone ever actually seen a fireworks Friday or a movie on Saturday? None of my Friday visits have ever had fireworks, and the Saturday movie has also always been cancelled. I call shenanigans.) and we didn't get to bed til 2:15 AM.
We got up early the next morning (Note to my oldest dog, Wrigley: Fuck. You. You're old enough to know better. Stop eating weird shit, and puking it up at 6:30 in the morning.) and ambled out the Nats Park for the season ticket "Picnic in the Park." It was a fun time. We saw the home dugout, got free hot dogs, could've ran the bases and thrown a pitch in the bullpen, but passed. The Mrs. was all about getting Wil the Thril's autograph. We finally caught up with him, and she got his autograph on the ticket stub from his walk-off homerun he hit in April against the Cubs. He seemed pretty excited about the ticket stub. She also got her picture taken with Wil and Anderson Hernandez. Cool guys.


We saw Hammer hands and Jesus Flores signing, so we decided to get in line there, too. Jesus was up first, so I asked him if a lot of people asked him about his ankle that day. He laughed, so I refrained from asking him what I wanted to know (how his ankle was ). I then turned to Joel, and he proceeds to ask me for his $10. Knowing how destitute he is, I started to reach into my wallet. He let me slide on it.
We also got some pictures taken. I'll leave you all with this shot with the man, the myth, the legend, Zim.

Bill Ladson is mainlining now. Stop the insanity!

Well, I always knew Ladson was on drugs, but he just went from chasing the dragon to mainlining his heroin with his latest mailbag. Two answers, in particular, just made me want to shake the shit out of him.

Is Ryan Zimmerman a .290 hitter and a 30-homer, 100-RBI guy or am I expecting too much?
-- Tony L., Amelia, Va.

No, you are not expecting too much. In fact, what I expect from Zimmerman is much higher than your numbers. He is aware of it, too. I see batting and RBI titles in his future. I think he can be a 30-30 player if manager Manny Acta gave him the chance to steal bases. Of course, I want to see more bunting from him. To me, Zimmerman is a complete player.

Jesus Christ, Bill. You can not be serious! Batting titles? RBI titles? 30 SB and 30 HR? Let's take a trip over to good ol' baseball-reference.com to crunch the numbers, shall we?

First up: batting titles. We all know you have to hit at an absurd rate to win the NL title, but just how absurd? The BA leaders in the last 10 years (plus the current season):

• 2008 (so far): Pujols .361
• 2007: Holliday .340
• 2006: Freddy Sanchez (seriously) .344
• 2005: Derreck Lee .335
• 2004: Bonds .362
• 2003: Pujols .359
• 2002: Bonds .370
• 2001: Larry walker .350
• 2000: Todd Helton .372
• 1999: Walker .379
• 1998: Walker .363

If you average out those, it comes to a .358 batting average. .358! Ryan Zimmerman. .358! I love you to death, Zim, but ain't no way in hell you'll hit anywhere near well enough to beat Pujols, Chipper, Berkman, Holliday, Lee, and any other randoms like Freddy Sanchez.

Next: RBI Title. Again, we'll turn to baseball-reference.com, and list the last ten years, and this one:

• 2008 (so far): Ryan Howard 125
• 2007: Holliday 137
• 2006: Howard 149
• 2005: Andruw Jones 128
• 2004: Vinny Castilla 131
• 2003: Preston Wilson (for real): 141
• 2002: Berkman 128
• 2001: Sosa 160
• 2000: Helton 147
• 1999: McGwire 147
  
• 1998: Sosa 158

Average? 128 RBI. Who in the hell is going to be getting on base enough for you, in the three hole, to drive in 130 runs?

The 30-30 mention? First of all, there is no way Manny lets Zim loose on the bases. He won't even let Milledge loose, God damnnit! Anyway, the yearly breakdown of Zim's SB:

• 2004 (at UVA): Successful steal on 13 of 14 attempts in 59 games, a .93% success rate.
• 2005 (No SB attempts once he got called up, all in the Minors): 1 of 7 in 67 games, 14%.
• 2006: 11 of 19 in 157 games, 57%.
• 2007: 4 of 5 in 162 games, 80%.
• 2008 (so far): 1 of 2 in 93 games, 50%

Safe to say Manny won't let him run (7 attempts in Manny's 2 years)? Also safe to say that he won't steal 30??
30 HRs? That's a little harder to figure out. He wasn't a power guy in college. Hell, he only hit one HR in 2004, and hit nine total in his entire College career (174 games). He did surprise a little with seasons of 20 and 24 HR in 06 and 07, though, and has shown some pop recently. 4 homers in his last 13 games after hitting 0 in the previous 37 games.

Look, I like Zim. Hell, I love him. I have two Zim bobbleheads here at work, and my tag for him in my blog posts is "The non human." But, can he live up to what Ladson predicts for him? He's got a better chance of getting Ladson to stop his weekly diesel deliveries from Afghanistan.

Will Larry Broadway be getting a September callup? Don't you think it's about time the Nationals' front office gave him a chance on the big stage?
-- Dyer T., Sanches, N.M.

I'm probably one of the few people in America who believes Broadway will be a successful Major Leaguer. It will never happen with the Nationals, though, because he doesn't have enough power. He will be a free agent after the season and sign somewhere else.

I have no clue why Ladson has such a hard on for Broadway. Larry might be a good guy, hell, maybe a great guy, but he's not a good baseball prospect. He'll turn 28 in December, and went to Duke. That's two reason to limit his appeal right there. He plays first base, but his largest HR total in a single year was 22 in 130 games back in 2004 at Harrisburg. He's spent the last three season at AAA hitting 15, 13, and 9 HR in 123, 105, and 130 games respectively. That's not MLB first baseman productivity. He is a Minor League free agent now, though, so maybe someone elsewhere will give him a shot. I hope so, cause it ain't gonna happen here.

Now, Bill, for the sake of your family...quit the heroin, okay? Also, a few less cheeseburgers might not hurt, either. And some LASIK. I'm just saying...

Nats win series, Utley upended.

Nationals win, big time. This offense is rock solid, top to bottom, and so much damn fun to watch. Some HUGE hits last night in the pivotal 8th inning. Casto and Bernadina with singles to start, and then Belliard with a pinch hit single to score Orr (who pinch ran for Casto). Boni walks to make it bases loaded. At that point, I was debating with myself who I would want walking up to the plate if I could choose anyone. I had it down to Guzman and Zim. As luck would have it, it was Goozie's turn in the lineup. He cranked a bases clearing double (with Boni right on the heels of Belliard as they approached home plate) to bust the game open. See you later, Philthies. Have fun missing the playoffs and beating your wives!

The underlying storyline from the previous night didn't die, though. With Chase Utley up for his first plate appearance, Rental plunked him square in the hip with a 90 mph heater. It appears Perez was using vigilante justice, as all signs from the Nationals management pointed towards the Utley/Flores play as being clean. Much love to Rental from this guy!

It didn't end there, though. In the bottom of the fifth, the Nats had the bases loaded with Milledge up. He grounded into a fielders choice, to make it runners at first and third, one out. DOOKS! was at the plate, and grounded to the third baseman. Seemed like a tailor-made inning and rally ending double play. Except Milledge was running from first. And Utley was the pivot man. What happened next made me scream, "Fuck, yeah!" at the TV in the bar. "I wanna have your children, Mills" may have came next. Some screen caps here to show Lastings burying his shins into Utley to break up the double play, and allow a run to score.


My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear. If you want to watch the recap, click here and skip to the 1:18 mark for the takeout. Be sure to watch Zim's 2nd homerun in three days at the 1:44 mark. He is just RAKING the ball, and is loving dead center. I mean, he's KILLING balls.

The boys are in Atlanta tonight to start a 4 game series there. Pitching note: Balester has a sore left bum, so he'll miss his next start, scheduled for Friday. Bergmann, who was due to throw tonight, will instead throw Friday. That means a spot start for a gentleman I wrote about earlier in the year. Mr. Shairon Martis will get his first ever MLB start tonight. Also, in case you guys want to pronounce his name right, it's Shy-ron Mar-tis. Go get him, junior.

Where my broom at?

Going for the sweep tonight, y'all. It really, really, shouldn't be that hard, since we're facing a 12 year old. I bring you tonight's starter, Master Clayton Kershaw.

All KIDding aside (see what I did there?), he already faced the Nats once, and handed them their asses (he allowed the same amount of base runners as he had strike outs). The guy is good. Sheeet, he was throwing in AA as a 19 year old. He has a hard fastball, with an almost vertical curveball (I'd say 12-6, but most people argue it's 1-7, and I hate arguments) and is developing a change-up, too. Great. ::sigh::
BUT, fear not, valiant readers, for we have DOOKS! back, and Zim hit his first homerun since May last night. Eyebrows (my new, cute nickname for Lannan) is up against him tonight, so look for a good match up.

P.S. How does Trey manage to make such great music with Phish, and have his other shit suck SO bad? I mean, Surrender To the Air was abominable, and Shine is almost unlistenable (Not a word, you say? It is now). Discuss.

Post Flop, LoDu era begins...

After last night's game (which I ain't talking about. Why write about shit? Your writings may be good, but it still about shit.) Jimmy Bowden took the mic and made some announcement:

1. Felipe Lopez is being released. The Nats eat what's left of his $4.9MM for this year.
2. Paul LoDuca is being released. The Nats eat what's left of his $5MM for this year.
3. Elijah Dukes was recalled from his rehab assignment for his knee injury (which is worth talking about. When he twisted his shit, he was placed on the DL and we were told he would be out a minimum of 4-6 weeks. This was July 5th. Chico interviewed DOOKS! on the 6th, and Elijah had this to say:

   Q:Is it going to be hard to not push yourself too hard to come back, knowing how much you want to play?A: Oh, it ain't no question I'm going to push myself hard to come back. That's just the way I am. I don't like to sit around and do nothing. If I can do something to get back faster, I'm going to do it. I don't plan on taking as long as I can. I plan on taking as quick as I can." Say what you want about Elijah, the guy's a very fast healer, and loves to play baseball. Small man crush coming on for him.)

4. Emiliooooooooo is being called up.
5. Alberto Gonzalez (who was acquired from the New York Hankees yesterday at a trade deadline deal for some scrub AA pitcher) will be on the active roster, and be in the hizzie Friday, today.

OK, 2 bags of sand gone, 2 rookies coming up, and one MEAST (The Doctor, can we call him that?) re-joining the team. Looks like we need to lose one more from the roster. (I just heard Pete Orr making a phone call to his travel agent asking if he can get a plane ticket to Beijing. Coincidence?) I sure as fuck hope that spot isn't opened up because we have to put Goozie or ZIM! on the DL! (Zim got hit on the hand by a pitch last night and had to leave the game. X-Rays were negative. Goozie's been day to day on a bad thumb that was also hit by a pitch.)
With that said, I thought I'd take a shot at Friday's lineup. Check this junx out, and HOLLA AT YA BOI in the comments with ideas/corrections.

1. Emilio 2B
2. Milledge CF
3. Dukes LF
4. Kearns RF
5. Flores C
6. Gonzalez SS
7. Belliard 1B
   
8. Casto 3B
   

What say you, lurkers?

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

First off, I thought it was spelled "Mergatroid", but who the fuck am I to argue with Wikipedia?

Secondly, who are you, and what have you done with my Nationals? You better return them unhurt, or so help me God! Actually, keep Flop. And Estrada, too. The brief rundown of yesterday:

15 runs; 17 hits; 2 2B; 2 HR; 13 RBI.

That's a new Nationals record for runs (you don't count, Canada), and season highs in hits and RBI. How did the guys do individually? Well, first let me just say that TEH GOOZ went hit less. He did manage to score a run, though, so he's still my boy. Wee Willy Harris had 5 RBI, Kearnsie scored 5 times, Jesus was 5 for 6 with 2 RBI, and Longerhands even got into the act (2 hits, 1 RBI).

If you're keeping score at home (Shut up. No you aren't. LIAR!), that's 29 runs in the last 3 games. For you math disabled, that's 9.666 runs/game. My God. I think the water from the Anacostia River has leaked into the clubhouse and mutated our boys into Superheroes. I just hope Luis will let me try on his cape. ::gasp!:: ::squeeeee!::

OK. Off day for the fellas today, and a three game set in San Francisco starts tomorrow. Guess who's back for this series, btw??


Yes sirree, he whose name cannot be mentioned will be manning 3rd again. MEAT becomes the latest casualty. I'm actually shocked it took 4 days for the latest injury to occur. That's gotta be a record for this year.