Milwaukee Brewers? More like Milwaukee Suck At Baseballers.

Ah, that was nice, wasn't it? The best part of the entire weekend? On Friday night, when Brewers starter Chris Narveson walked two with the bases loaded. He even walked Gorzelanny on four straight pitches. At the time, I tweeted, "When did the Brewers sign Garrett Mock?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, Brewers!!1! Your dude pitches like Garrett Mock!! I also enjoyed it immensely when Narveson threw ball four to Gorzelanny, and Wil the Thril was all, "Good pitch. Wait... WHAT!?"

So, what was the worst part about the weekend? Realizing that Garrett Mock is STILL IN THE FUCKING ORGANIZATION. Look at this line from Friday night's boxscore:


This is normally where I'd write something snarky about his performance. But, seriously... there are no words. I really cannot understand why he's taking up a roster spot. Do they think he'll just figure it out? I mean, that has to be it, right? He can't have a mechanical flaw that could be fixed, and you know why? A quick look at his B-Ref bio shows that he has played for 11 different teams in two organizations, Arizona and here. Now, if you have 11 different coaching staffs see you in your eight pro seasons, wouldn't you think that ONE person on those 11 coaching staffs could spot the mechanical issue? And who knows how many pitching coaches actually have seen him between those 11 teams and all his spring trainings. His BB/9IP rate of 1.7 in 2005 while playing in high A ball for the Diamondbacks is by far his best. Maybe we need to hunt down the coach of that 2005 Lancaster JetHawks squad and see if he can work with Mock. I mean, shit, ain't nothing else working.
(Okay, I need to move on before I convince myself to drive to Syracuse and pull Garrett's arm from his body. Apparently that might be the only way to get him out of the org.)
On game one of yesterday's double header, Jason Marquis did his best to make up for the big pile of poop that was his 2010 season, and the$7.5MM that he was given for that year, by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs. A nice attempt really, but short of him running over Chase Utley with his car, not much he does will ever let him off the hook for last year's 0 IP 7 run game debacle. That was one year ago today exactly, and the wound has not come close to healing. If Jason wants to make an attempt at winning me back, he can start by getting Danny Espinosa to lay his magical hands upon my daughter, thus gracing upon her the awesomeness that is Daniel. Oh, and get him to ride bikes with me on an off day. I'll buy one of those two seater bicycles, and we can just cruise around together. Him laughing at my cool jokes, and me tussling his hair while sharing an ice-cream sundae from the local Maggie Moos. No, wait... I bet he like the Peanut Butter S'moo, just like me! Of course he does, how could I be so silly to doubt that.
In game two, Livo did his best to make up for what he did to the franchise, too. You see, back in 2006 Livo was traded by the Nats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Matty Chico and (wait for it.....) Garrett Mock. He feels so badly about it that he wakes up every morning with a yucky taste in his mouth. He has sworn to devote every day of the rest of his life to Nats fans, trying to amend that transaction. His seven inning, one run performance yesterday was proof of his dedication to eradicating all memories of a relation between himself and Garrett.
And finally, I was pretty shocked when I saw one of those MASN ads about Jim Riggleman's coaching philosophy. It was the one where he says, "you call it small ball, I call it smart ball." Imagine my surprise when they showed a clip of him putting on the hit-and-run with a very struggling Michael Morse at the plate, and a very slow running Wilson Ramos at first base from last Thursday's game. (Did I mention that Ramos is slow, and that Morse was in a humongous rut at the time?) Anywhoo, Jimmy Riggles put the wheels in motion. Morse struck out, and Ramos was caught stealing by a mile. How did Riggles feel after the play?

Fuckers. Yup, aggressive base-running is fantastic when it works out, but it can make me want to go to Nats Park and leave a note on Jim's car that reads, "So sorry about hitting your car. Unfortunately, I'm broke, and can't help you pay for the repairs" when it doesn't work. (See, cause there wouldn't really be any damage to Jim's car, but he'll be all, "Darnit!" and will look all over his car for the "damage." But there is none! Tee hee! That'll learn 'em to try to play small ball with a guy at the plate hitting .133.)

Nats beat Mario and Luigi.

So, the Nats won their exhibition today with the Italian WBC team. Before you get too exited, I did some research half-assed web searching and it appears only around five of their guys have decent Major League experience. Also, the Nats bullpen blew a 6-0 lead. But, there were a couple good things. Eyebrows went 3 IP giving up 0 runs, 1 hit and 1 BB. After him, Martis threw 3 IP with 0 runs, 2 hit, 1 BB, and 2 K. The boxscore also tells me Zimm and DOOKS! had a triple each, with Milledge, Wil the Thril, Javier Valentin and Alex Cintron also joining in the extra base hit parade. DOOKS! hit a solo homerun, but his boy, and student, Roger Bernadina had the biggest hit of the game with a 3 run walk-off homer in the bottom of the 9th. Elijah has apparently taken Roger under his wing, and gifted him the power that can only come from a human that sweats as much as Dukes.

After practice, both Dukes and Bernadina went into the locker room with Dukes giving Bernadina tips. The session lasted about 10 minutes. There was Dukes holding the bat and demonstrating how to hold the bat from both sides of the plate. Dukes also was telling Bernadina how to get more power to his swing.

Good job, fellas. Go buy yourselves an ice cream cone on me. Na, screw it, upgrade to a twisty cone.

So, you see, it was a pretty good day for the Nats today. All is well............SHIT. Are you kidding me? Seriously? GOD! DAMMIT!



It appears Nick Johnson was hit by a pitch. Who had March 3rd as Slick's last game played for the season? You can pick up your prize at coat check.

SIGH

Joel wants my money.

Nice cushy gig I got here, huh? Just post once every six days or so. Look. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I'll change, I swear. Gimmie one more chance, okay? Good. Thanks. I love you guys!
Well, we went Friday's fucking nightmare game. The night started out well, we got our camo curly W floppy hats, and grabbed a big huge Hard Time nacho tray. Had a nice Yuengling or three, and was ready to enjoy a great game.
Me and the Mrs. were visited by the doctor, fresh of his cross country drive back to D.C. from Los Angeles. He grabbed a seat next to us and watched a couple innings, after I bought him a beer. Good times. At one point, Joel Hanrahan (NOTE: Joel does NOT like the nickname Hammer Hands. His loss.) was walking around the 'pen, and Elijah Dukes was coming up to bat. I said, "Joel, I'll bet you 10 bucks Dukes goes yard." He replied that he wasn't allowed bet on baseball. Dukes didn't homer, and I was pissed. I was sulking in my seat when the doctor tapped me and pointed at Joel. The fucker was looking at me rubbing his fingers together "Pay me my money." I actually laughed. Anyway, the game went 14 innings (And had the fireworks show cancelled in the 7th inning or so. That's a side rant for later, btw. Has anyone ever actually seen a fireworks Friday or a movie on Saturday? None of my Friday visits have ever had fireworks, and the Saturday movie has also always been cancelled. I call shenanigans.) and we didn't get to bed til 2:15 AM.
We got up early the next morning (Note to my oldest dog, Wrigley: Fuck. You. You're old enough to know better. Stop eating weird shit, and puking it up at 6:30 in the morning.) and ambled out the Nats Park for the season ticket "Picnic in the Park." It was a fun time. We saw the home dugout, got free hot dogs, could've ran the bases and thrown a pitch in the bullpen, but passed. The Mrs. was all about getting Wil the Thril's autograph. We finally caught up with him, and she got his autograph on the ticket stub from his walk-off homerun he hit in April against the Cubs. He seemed pretty excited about the ticket stub. She also got her picture taken with Wil and Anderson Hernandez. Cool guys.


We saw Hammer hands and Jesus Flores signing, so we decided to get in line there, too. Jesus was up first, so I asked him if a lot of people asked him about his ankle that day. He laughed, so I refrained from asking him what I wanted to know (how his ankle was ). I then turned to Joel, and he proceeds to ask me for his $10. Knowing how destitute he is, I started to reach into my wallet. He let me slide on it.
We also got some pictures taken. I'll leave you all with this shot with the man, the myth, the legend, Zim.

2008 Nats = Greatest team ever?

So, after disposing of the riff-raff this weekend, the Nats are 9-4 in their last 13, and 8-2 in their last 10. It's not like we've gotten to play the poopy Pirates every game, either. Check out these stats. Be forewarned, however: these will blow your friggin mind, man!

2-2 against the Mets
2-1 against the Cubs
2-0 against them injins
3-1 against the JV squad from Pittsburgh.

Like, whoa, man.

I was hella busy over the weekend, so I didn't get to post a lot. My apologies. Highlights from the weekend:

• Wil the Thril made another bullpen appearance on Saturday, warming up Colome, Saul, and Luis. I had a cahnce to ask him if they get to keep the Negro League uni's they were wearing. He said he didn't know, but that he hopes so.
• Rivera hails from a really, really, really bad part of Puerto Rico. I was sitting next to a friend of Saul's for the game, and he mentioned that it was the "area no one goes to. Not even the people who live in Puerto Rico go there. It's bad, man." So, Saul should feel right at home in South East D.C.
• Saul and Wil are quickly gaining ground on Mi Hermano for "bestest person ever" status.
• The three white guys in the pen are dicks. Gas face for Hammer Hands, Connie, and Rauchie.
• I now possess the nickname Saul had growing up in Puerto Rico. Said the person that gave it to me when I asked him what it meant, "Ask Saul." I'm not sure if I should ever use it.

Day of rest for our golden Gods today. Start up a three game set in the Gross State of Texas on Tuesday. You know the old saying about Texas..Only steers and queers come from Texas, and the Astros are retarded fuck-faces on a stick.

Aliens! Ahh!

The reports are still quiet and few, but from what I have gathered, here is what we know:

• Johnny Lannan was abducted by aliens, and replaced by an inferior Martian body form.
• The Martian body form was only a 7% representation of Johnny.
• Aliens attempted to also replace Wil the Thril, but he fought off 83 attackers killing 82 and maiming 1.
• Matthew Chico has been in Nationals protective custody the last 48 hours, making his abduction impossible.

So, the Pirates will send Paul Mahome, the pride of Greenwood, MS (giggle) up against #47, who is working on an extra days rest. Expect Matty to top 100 mph today, and hold the Pirates to three hits.
I'll be at the park, celebrating the sweet sweet taste of victory. Maybe Mi Hermano will join me?

Lannan + Nieves = ZOMG!!!11!!!!11

So, I have tickets for tomorrow's game. I was pretty pumped, because that was Johnny's turn in the rotation. Fuck sticks. That's ok, though. Just means I get to see an extra rested #47 (in the scorecards, but #1 in our hearts!) destroy the meager Pirate batters. Plus, Wil the Thril may end up hanging in the bullpen again. That was neato-torpedo.
So, that means on tap for tonight is the aforementioned 2008 NL Cy Young award winner, Mr Johnny Lannans vs. Phil Dumatrait. Phil fucking Dumatrait. I know folks say we take all the Reds castoffs, but this fucker put up an 0-4 record with a 15.00 ERA in Cinci last year.With a 2.83 WHIP. Stop laughing, the Pittsburgh fans are starting to pout.
Since Johnny's throwing, that means we also have the awesomely awesome Wil Nieves behind the plate. The 185 lb bundle of fuck-you-up is set to roll. He's gonna catch a no-hitter, while hitting for the cycle tonight. Shit's gonna be silly!
I won't be able to watch, however, for a shitty high school in NOVA needs my superior umpiring ability. As always, sending the score via telekinesis is much appreciated.

Kearnsie poops on poopy Pirates

KEARNSIE! Much love to my beloved #25. Stroking home the winning run. I like that. Speaking of stroking, I gotta get this out of the way. Da Meat Hook has been on the DL with a bad back, and it was just a shitty situation. Nothing was getting better. There were two consultations with doctors (3 if you count Andrew's opinion), and even a call into the Mayo Clinic. Nothing was fixing this shit. That is...until a lady got her hands on Meat. Clipping from the WaPo notebook:

"Young worked with Nationals massage therapist Tatiana Tchamouroff, who focused on his penis hip flexor rather than his back.

"All of a sudden, he felt instant release," Bowden said. "She found the spot."'

You want happy ending now?

Anyway, Nats destroyed the Pirates last night. I didn't get to watch any of the game, only listened to the first inning on the radio cause I had a game to umpire last night. I heard the call on Wil the Thril's 2 run poke, and knew the ballgame was over. I have yet to look at the box score, but I assume the Nationals had 29 hits and the Pirates 1.

Nats have now won 4 straight, and 7 of their last 9. Their record is now 12-17 (.414). Pirates? NOT SO GOOD! How's .393 feel, losers? Other losers? A certain frequent visitor's Rangers. .379? Good god man! Time to have Josh Hammy dealing his stuff in the locker room, maybe.

Well, more goodness to come tonight. Pirates? Maybe wanna bring some skill tonight. Forecast?:

The Nationals will destroy your team

Nationals cruised to a 6-3 victory last night. Mega awesome game. Back to back taters by ZIM! and Slick off that Tim Galvine guy. I was right in yesterdays post when I said I don't think he'll be any good. Although, when you think about it, those two could go yard off Moses and Stalin (who had a really sharp 12-6 curve).
Sweet Jesus, Zim can rake. If you see the highlights on TV, pause his double when it hits the wall, and you can see me. Seriously. Anyway, that fucker hit that double on a rope. Kearnsie and Blastings decided to hit doubles as well. Slick went back to the socks, and they showed they are magically magical. I'll wager we see him wearing them today, as well.
Super duper job to Capt. Redd, Saulie, mi hermano, and Rauchie. Those dudes were throwing last night. Those injins were so sad it was like the trail of tears all over again.

Things I can confirm:
a)Hammer hands did give Wil the Thril his game winning home run ball (I asked).
b)Cardiac's arm fell off (I saw).

Things I cannot confirm:
a)Hammer hands tried to give it to him in the locker room, but when he tossed it to him, it went backwards 315 feet.
b)He will be effective at some point in the future.

Finally, I am convinced the Nats have a street gang, and a gang sign. Saul Rivera threw it at me last night, and Wil the Thril gave half of one. I have now been marked for death by 2 Puerto Rican's and 1 Mexican. When Colome follows suit, I will drop dead within 24 hours.

Wil with walk-off

Well, I had my Mr. Walk-Off shirt on last night, just had the wrong silhouette. Let me just sum up that 9th inning with this..

That's what the fuck I'm mother fucking talking about!

The bomb dropped into the bullpen, right in front of us. If it wasn't a 20 foot drop, I would've jumped for it.

Cordero was going nuts. Absolute bat shit crazy. Hammerhands grabbed the ball and stuffed it into his back pocket. I'm sure he had a present for Wil.

Luis gave me a nod and a wave, so the streak continues.

Hooooo Ha!

That is what the fuck I'm talking about.

Couple things that stuck out to me...

Flop looked really good there in his 9th inning at-bat/base running. I just wish I knew what the fuck Manny was thinking hitting Macowakiak for Blastings.

Slick weilds a mean fucking stick, don't he?

Ray King? Very effective in his one batter appearance. The batter? Left handed. Coincidence? Me thinks no. Look, listen, learn, Manny. Please.

I'm loving what Nieves is doing. The intangibles are off the chart with that 185 lb catcher.

Finally, I love the fact that I'm going to bed with a smile. It's about fucking time.