Danny Espinosa has an arm that throws objects incredibly fast, far, and accurately.

Well, looks like it's time to show off Danny Espinosa's cannon, RPG, howitzer, bazooka, missile launcher, [insert other metaphorical object here] yet another time. Which suits me just fine, since Strasburg threw 3 & 2/3 innings of perfect ball and lost, while Gio threw 5 innings of perfect baseball, but also managed to lose.
Take it away, Daniel-san.

I must say, all those days of Mr. Miagi having Danny pulling down a lever from his grain elevator sure did pay off.
Crap, there goes my afternoon. Now I'm going to be picturing a Karate Kid "Mr. Miagi puts Danny Espinosa through menial chores which Espi does begrudgingly  only to find out that Mr. Miagi has, indeed, given him every skill needed to excel at baseball" montage the rest of the day.
Now, if only Miagi could teach our boys how beat 13-22 teams. It should be so damn simple. He could, like, have them practice taking tootsie rolls from 8-month-olds. Or have them practice up-selling Tony LaRussa to the 20oz beer. Kid's stuff, really. Sigh.

Happy Birthday, Danny Espinosa. (AKA, anything but game discussion.)

(Look, let's just skip past the last few games, okay? In honor Daniel Richard Espinosa turning 26-years-old today, we'll take about off the field stuff. Cool? Cool.)

After decades years months days of work, I have finally completed my Danny Espinosa bobble head collection. All four bobble have been acquired. Phew.
What? You say there's only one Espi bobble? Ha! Not so, my friend, but only us hardcore insanely idiotic Nats fans know about the complete set. So, please... sit back with your favorite drink (may I suggest a red slooshie from Curly W Pretzels?), your favorite book (may I not suggest the Bob Carpenter Official Score Book?), and your favorite baseball voodoo doll (may I suggest Pete Kozma? I'll still have my Chase Utley) while you peruse my Official Danny Espinosa 2011 - 2013 Bobble Head collection.

Here's the only one that was given away at the stadium - 9-10-2011. This edition (or "Standard SGA" as us Espi-Bobble-connoisseurs call it) shows Danny after a shave right before going out to do warm ups for the game:

This edition is dubbed the "Normal Espi," and shows him as he appears at game time, having last shaved 5 hours previously:

This one here? This is called "Slump Buster Espi," and shows what he looks like for a game immediately following an 0-4 game the night before:

And, finally, the latest (and rarest) bobble. The Holy Grail of Espi bobbles. It's official title is "Off-Season Espi," but it has other nicknames among us collectors, including "Homeless Espi," "Hunting Espi," "Jayson Werth Espi," "Navy Seal While Deployed Espi," "Uni-Bomber Espi," and "This is Actually Just Five Days Without a Shave Espi." Behold in all its splendor, glory, and... hairiness:

 I also considered "ZZ Top Espi," "The Guys From That Duck Dynasty Show Espi," and "Sasquatch Espi" but  using Sasquatch in association with any other baseball player besides Kevin Youkilis* would be slander. Or libel. I forget which. But seriously, can you imagine that guy's back hair? It's gotta be thicker than Wrigley Field's wall ivy. If balls get lost in that ivy, balls and the attached player throwing that ball get lost in Youkilis' back hair. He's so hairy. (How hairy is he?) He's so hairy, the Yankees had to purchase a DR Field and Brush Mower for the clubhouse. (Zing!)



*It was either Youkilis or Brian Wilson that I poke fun at for hairiness. Kevin got the nod since he decided to charge the mound and throw his helmet at Rick Porcello a few years back. That's total bush-league. That more bush-league than bush-league. That's so bush-league, that bush-league should now be called Youkilis-league, but that doesn't really roll of the tongue. That, and one mention of Brian Wilson is one mention too many. Crap, now that's two mentions. /Goes off to cry in the corner while being made to watch highlights of the 2008 Phillies World Series parade as punishment. /Bashes self to death with Off-Season Espi bobble while screaming, "Oh, God. THE HORROR."

Well, Bob Carpenter is still Bob Carpenter.

Yesterday's game was the most Bob Carpenter game in the history of Bob Carpenter games, with the last play of the game being called in the most Bob Carpenter way possible.

Please allow me to do my best Dan Steinberg and transcribe what happened on the last play of the game. Situation: Bottom of the ninth, Nats down one. Ian Desmond on second, two outs, Danny Espinosa at the plate.

/SMACK goes the ball off Danny Espinosa's bat into CF.

Bob: "And this game will be tied..."

/A whole entire fucking play unfolds since, you know, THAT'S HOW THINGS WORK.

Bob: "... He is out! And the game is over."

GAH! Look, I've talked about this in the past. In fact, more than once. I've even made videos poking fun at him about it. But this one, I didn't make up. See for yourself:

Hella Horrible, Carpy Baby. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Now, I know the call wasn't being piped into the dugout. And I know that Rick Eckstein and Davey aren't looking at Bob with this "Are you fucking serious?" look. But... I choose to ignore ALL OF THAT and pretend that Davey and Rick are dumbfounded at Bob Carpenter's call, not the umpire's.

So, Nats lose. But, that wasn't even the worst part about the entire game. What was? It was seeing Chorye Spoone's name pop up when he came into the game, going through the 1,000 different ways I imagened his name was pronouced, only to have it be said as "COREY SPOON." Are you kidding me? Fuck it, he'll always be "Chore-eye Spoon-eh" to me. Take that, Chore-eye's mom and dad!

How sweep it is!

Why yes, that headline is a duplicate of a tweet I made last night. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Our valiant band of brothers, dressed in red, white and blue, strode strongly into Citizens Bank Park (or is it Nats Park North*?) and proceeded to layeth the smack down on the Phillie's roody-poo candy-asses. (How many readers did I lose with a wrestling reference? Three? Gah! You other two, please stay! I'll make s'mores, and we'll sit by the camp fire singing songs and shit! Don't leave me!)

Three days later, and the final tally in games won was Nats: 4, Phillies 0. In high fa-looting baseball circles, where they use terms like "babip" and "fWar," they call this a "sweep." Wait... Did somebody say "Sweep?!" Clean up in aisle nine, Danny!

I really could have chosen a lot of Nats to be pushing that broom; any of the starters (besides Lannan), Wilson Ramos, or even Zim. But Danny gets the nod for two reasons:

1. His slash line was .313/.389/.750 with 2 HR during the sweep.
2. I gave up sponsorship of his baseball-reference page two days ago, and I'm still crying my eyes out about it.

Yes, gone are the days of seeing this glorious sight multiple times a day, as I had it set as my homepage for both home and work browsers. Baseball-ref wanted waaaay too much money for me to renew my sponsorship (we're talking multiple cases of Sam Adams Double Bock prices here! /no beer snob), so I'll now have to be content to just gaze upon it longingly, like Ray King does a cheeseburger. Like Lastings Milledge does a nice easy route to a flyball. Like Cliff Lee does a Danny Espinosa at bat against him resulting in, well, anything but a home run. (By the way, if anyone would like to donate money towards either renewing the sponsorship or Sam Adams Double Bock, well, what the fuck are you waiting for? Paypal: phishisgr8@gmail.com, dammit!)

* I don't know who to credit "Nats Park North" to, as I saw it floating around on Twitter quite a bit. So, to whoever you are, Mr. or Mrs. Witty Word Play, I salute you. May your house be blessed with many winning seasons, and shall no one enter with the intention of neither vomiting upon you, nor punching you in the face in the name of Philadelphia. If that does occur, however, feel free to mention the 2011 season, and how the final head-to-head series win count was in favor of the Nationals 10 to 8. But have at least 18 apples ready, as you will have to teach them what the numbers 10 and 8 mean, and how 10 is greater than 8. Might as well get at least 20 apples, though, as it could take days to teach folks from Philly how to count, and you're gonna need to eat. (Bang! Pow! Zip! Right in the kisser! I just said Philly folks can't count, which every 3-year-old in the country (outside of Philly, that is) can do! I WIN!!111!)

Can you slow down a tad, Espi?

Christ on a pogo stick, Espi... can you regress just a tad so you don't dominate this blog so much? I'm tempted to rename it "Danny Espinosa (as viewed from Section 138, my couch, my local bar, and on MLB Network highlights)." Save some glory for the rest of the team, homie!
So, I was watching last night's game with great enjoyment as Werth and The Shark did some yard work in the 1st inning, Morse doubled in the 4th and was driven in by Danny Espinosa, and Laynce Nyix homered in the 6th. Unfortunately, the Cardinals scored in the 8th and the 9th to tie the game up and send in into extra innings. The bottom of the 10th unfolded like the most beautiful... folded thingie ever. Zim singled, Morse then got hit by Fernando Salas (At which point I immediately picked up my phone and called the visitor's clubhouse. I got forwarded to the voice mail for Fernando's locker (What, you didn't know that each locker is wired up to the phone system and has its own voice mail? Guys, this here is the big leagues, alright? The clubhouses at Nats Park are first class. High quality all the way. No bush-league antics here. Shiiiiiiiiiiiit.), and left Salas the following message. "If you wanna go after an athlete... one of MY athletes... that's garbage!  Attacking an athlete... Are you kidding me? Come after me! I'm a man! I'm (in a few years...) forty! Makes me wanna puke." I haven't received a call back from Salas yet, but I'm assuming that's because he's scared of me, and wants to let me cool off a tad so I don't beat him up. Can't say i blame him, though. I got fists like grenades. One punch, and POW, bitches! /puts on Affliction shirt and get's ready to head to the gym.

So, where were we? Oh yeah, bottom of the 10th, Zim on 2nd, Morse on 1st, and up steps Danny Espinosa. Do I really need to explain what happens next? Bing, pow, boom, bing. Home run. Game's over. Let's go get a taco. Now, I swear to you, I had no intentions of making a video out of it today, I've made a shit-ton of those, and I don't want that to be the norm on this here blog. But... I had David Huzzard call me out in front of all of the Twitters.

 
Well, David, here it is. Just for you. I hope you cry watching it, cause I cried making it. 

Ahhh.. The sweet, sweet sounds of Bette Midler. (Sniffle) Now, if you can't get that song out of your head, you know who to blame.
Oh, almost forgot... After last night's win, here are today's NL East standings:

 

Hooray! Now no one can say that lame "First in war, first in peace, last in the National League East" line. That really grinded my gears. Anyway, you know what that means...

...Time for everyone to HOP ABOARD! BEEP, BEEP, BITCHES, GET OUT DA WAY!

NEXT STOP, THIRD PLACE, AND WE AIN'T STOPPING!

(Mostly because the driver is high on cat nip and drunk on... well... alcohol. Look, I hate being the enabler, but you should see the scene at night when I try and go upstairs to bed. He whines, and gives me kitty cat eyes while meowing, "But I can't get to sleep without it, Gavin! Please!? Just add some bourbon to my water dish. Just half a cup! I swear, last time!" And stupid me, I always act like it's the last time, too. So, while you hop on his bus, please remember to buckle up, and call your loved ones. Let them know you love them. Oh, and he takes that white line up front int he aisle by him very seriously. If anyone crosses it, he slams on the brakes and crash, they go right out the window.)

Another Danny Espinosa Video?

Yes, this is another Danny Espinosa video. It may also be the shortest highlight video of all time, as well. Why is it so short? Because I am a no-talent hack, and a lazy one at that. I had grandiose ideas for this video, but once I started, I realized how much work it would be, so I acted like LeBron James and just said, "Screw it, me done." (A LeBron James joke! Not only am I multi-sport knowledgeable, but I'm also un-original, as every person on planet Earth has already made a LeBron joke.)

Yay. I didn't waste a lot of your time today! (Be sure to pay me back with... well, how bout money? I accept PayPal.) In case you weren't sure what you just witnessed, it was an 8 second clip with sound effects from a 1985 video game*. Now, how many Nats blogs give you that kind of quality content? (The answer: just this one, baby!)

Now, if the Nats can actually sweep the Cardinals, I may just make a 16 second clip with Zelda* or Metroid* sound effects! Cross your toeses, people!

(*Quiet, you! I know these games may be dated but you're lucky I didn't make you suffer through some Intellivision game sound effects. I remember Burger Time well, and if you guys start complaining, I may have to make a video of Livan walking from the mound to the dugout, all the while having his steps sound just like that pudgy chef walking across lettuce, buns, and burgers. I timed Livan once, and it took him 2 minutes and 17 seconds to travel those 100 feet. Is that what you want?!)

I needed an IV after Sunday's game.

Jesus, that game had more ups and downs than Edgar Allan Poe. (You see, cause he was bi-polar and was prone to mood swings... You didn't know Poe was bi-polar? Crap... how about... Kurt Cobain? Cool? Cool.)

Jesus, that game had more ups and downs than Kurt Cobain.
I was so exhausted that I needed to get an IV drip in the living room after the game. (Before 2006 I would've popped a couple greenies, but since MLB made them illegal in that year, I've stopped taking them. You think I'mma risk my blogging career by testing positive? Shiiiiiiit, son.)

I don't need to re-hash the game, as you can find the write ups here, here, here, and here. I do want to focus on three things, though.

First - the ejection of Jason Marquis. With one out and a runner on first, in a one run game, Marquis threw a sinker inside that just kept moving inside and ended up hitting B.J. Justin Upton. (Upton put on an award-worthy acting performance when he flopped to the ground "writhing" in pain, only to hop to his feet moments later and run to first base, but that's another post in itself.) It was an obvious non-intentional HBP, but the umpire decided he could see into Marquis' brain and noticed there was intent. So he chucked Marquis (and Riggles) out of the game. You can see the video here, but I just wanted to transcribe Ray Knight's color commentary on the situation. It was...

"Oh that's ridiculous. Good gracious alive the dad-gum score of the game is one zip. You seriously think he's trying to hit somebody there? Are you flipping serious? That's ridiculous. I don't care if he's been hit 12 times, the score of the ball game is one to nothing, there's no way a starting pitcher is gonna hit somebody in retaliation.
...
You're not gonna hit somebody in a game situation like that. If you're gonna hit him, you're gonna hit
him a week later, a month later, the next time you play. That's stupid. You've GOT to be kidding."

..epic? Ray was hotter than a June bug, I tell ya! Hoo-boy!

Second - Danny Espinosa getting plunked. Video of this dastardly deed can be found here, but this is all you need to know about it: 1) Espi was this goddamn close to performing the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on all them Diamondback motherfuckers. And 2) The MASN feed had a great shot of the dugout railing as Espi was being convinced to spare the Diamondback's slithery lives. I now present to you, what I title as...

IS LIVO TIME, MOTHERBITCHES!!!!!

(Titled that because that's what I imagine Livan is screaming to himself as he's vaulting the railing.)

Thirdly - Let's wrap this up with The Rhino, Vamos Ramos, not only showing up the D-Backs, but making sure they knew he was doing it, as well. After Espinosa was plunked, Ramos came up and hit a 3 run bomb. He circled the bases rather slowly,* but that could have been due to him being hobbled by a bad shin, caused by a foul ball striking him there earlier in the game. When asked if he ran slower than usual due to the fact that he was injured, Wilson manned the fuck up, and said that no, the slow trot was to prove a point - that "I wanted to see those guys angry."

He's guaranteed a fastball in the ribs the next time the Diamonbacks and Nats play, but he's also guaranteed an icy cold cerveza, and my daughter's hand in marriage, cause that right there is some GROWN-ASS-MAN action.

*There's a guy out there that actually times all the home run trots around the league. He hasn't updated Sunday's game yet, but I clocked it (via the video) at 28.41 seconds. Wilson's average trot the three previous time the guy has clocked him? 23.46 seconds. Ramos let the D-Backs soak in his awesome presence an extra 5 seconds. That, my friends, is so charitable and noble of him, as they are all better men for being exposed to his golden fucking glow. Maybe some of them even gained an ability they lacked before last night - the power to impregnate females.

Danny Espinosa likes to hit the long ball.

On Monday, Danny Espinosa homered off of Roy Halladay, which should have been more than enough for any regular Major Leaguer. But, Daniel is no ordinary Major Leaguer, so he followed that up by homering off Cliff Lee the following day, and not just once, but twice. It was an Ruthian Espinosian effort by our dirt baggy little second baseman, and proved that Danny scoffs at your large contracts, your large reputations, and your large Cy Young awards. (Are they large, actually? Shit if I know. You think I have one sitting in my living room, or something?)
The second of the homers off of Lee was just a punishing shot to center that made its way up into the Red Porch. I hear the ball ended up in the Red Porch bar, actually, and asked for a beer. When asked for ID, the ball replied, "Bitch, Danny Espinosa sent me up here, and you gonna hassle me for an ID? Shit, I got half a mind to go tell Danny that you up here harassing me.You want me to do that, Mr. Bartender? You want me to go bug Danny?"

..............................


(Okay, you caught me. That didn't really happen. What gave it away? Was it that I had the ball ask for a beer? It was, wasn't it... I knew I should've had it ask for a vodka and cranberry. Dammit.)

On to the video tape! What you have here is Danny's second home run. As always, I can never figure out why MASN has the dugout microphones muted, so I turned them up to hear what a Danny at bat and congratulatory dugout visit sound like.

Whoa. Cool. Danny's helmet "bongs" if you bang it? Well, looks like I know what I'm getting arrested for the next time I'm at the park.

Friday = Dump day.

Do I have any new ideas for you all today? Nope. Know what that means? It means I'm just going to dump some of my Twitter stuff from this week in this here post, as well as a video I've been hanging onto for a week. Enjoy, and smooches!

First up: Happy birthday, Jayson Werth. Your present to me? A squiggly red line under your first name every single time I type it. My gift to you? This picture. (I think I'm getting ripped off here, to be honest.)

I always told myself I was going to make a video of Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" where the lyrics were changed to say "Roger Bern Adina." I never did, however, mostly because I'm lazy. So, imagine how damn happy I was when the opportunity presented itself by the Nats placing a guy named Cole on the active roster. (Hint: It was somewhere between happy and pretty happy.)
 

And two quick videos to round out the post. The first is a follow up the the Roger Bernadina "Superman" video that I made recently. That video was pretty easy to make, and only required five or so splices of the music. Well, I always wanted to make a highlight scored to Also Sprach Zarathustra, and I had the opportunity a few weeks back when Danny Espinosa was shown on MASN's X-Mo making an incredible turn on a double play. Problem is, I couldn't find the video for it. Well, I decided to settle this week and use his home run from Monday's Pitt game. I had to make quite a few splices, and slow the video way down to get it to work, though, and because of that I wasn't real happy with it. So, I just threw it up on Twitter cause I didn't think it was blog-worthy. Well, it may not be blog-worthy on it's own, but on DUMP DAY? Hell yeah. Enjoy!

Danny Espinosa Spits Zarathustra from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Oh, Daniel. You so epic.

And, finally, a few weeks back I noticed this exchange in the dugout between Jayson Werth and Michael Morse. It's not exactly on the level of the Willingham/Dunn handshake deal of 2009, but I still found it humorous. And if I find it humorous, dammit, I'm gonna make you sit through it.

Michael Morse and Jayson Werth be some gunslingers. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Bang-bang!

There you go. A hodgepodge post for you, yet a post none-the-less. That ought-ta keep you folks from emailing me saying, "need a new post, dammit." (Oh, and to that one person that actually does send me those emails - C'mon, Mom. I'm busy sometimes. Why don't you just pick up the phone and call me instead of cursing me out in e-mails? /SNIFF)

It's the BlOrioles (HAHAHAHA!!1!!) this weekend. How bout a sweep, boys? (Ah, screw it - how bout just one fucking run, boys?)

Sorry, Espi and.... ONE HUNDRED!?!

Okay. First, I have a confession to make. I changed my computer's wallpaper to this on Monday.

Well, since then Danny Espinosa's gone 0 for 13 with 4 strikeouts and no RBI. So, to get Espi back on track (and to pay homage to that absoloute shit show of a performance by Sean Burnett in the 9th inning last night) I'm going back to the old wallpaper.

 

Excellent. I feel a gazillion times better now. I really don't want to talk too much about last night's game, mostly because I think Drew should have been out to start the 9th inning... but I will say this. I have a hunch... a very large hunch... That Drew was steaming in the pen about not getting his name called. The steam continued to boil as he saw Burnett blow up. He gets his name called, and what does he do?

He just strikes out David Wright to end the shamockery. Oh, yeah, he also hit 100 MPH according to the MASN gun. The radio guys said he hit 100 on two separate guns, as well (hat tip to Pam Storen for that, btw).

Did he really throw that hard? Meh, who really cares. The point is this:

Drew is the kind of guy that wants that ball in the pressure situation, and he can ramp his stuff up to meet, or exceed the needs of that situation. You need a heater, located up in the zone, with some extra cheese on that? Done.

Coffey shakes and Espi obliterates.

So, yeah, not sure what my obsession with animated gifs lately has been about, but I'm throwing a couple more in this post, too, along with two videos. I'm hiding them behind a page bump, though, cause I'm cool like that I just figured out how to do it.
The first video is something I posted on Twitter, but thought I'd share with you, the non-Twittering folks. It's of our plump and cardio-rich reliever, Todd Coffey. He came into Monday night's game with two runners on, and two outs. He ended up getting a pretty big strike out, and definitely seemed happy about it. See this SUPER PROFESSIONAL video to learn more about his happiness. (Video was filmed off the TV with my camera. Yup, I'm ghetto like that. I also appear to have the early stages of Parkinson's Disease... or maybe I was just really, really nervous getting the images of Todd Fuckin' Coffey on video...)

I made a couple animated gifs from that video, and they're at the end of this post. (If you're reading from the front page, be sure to click "read more" at the bottom.)
Next up is a quick clip from last night's game, and it is (again) about the absolute cannon that is attached to Danny Espinosa's right shoulder. While he doesn't throw the guy out, he makes it way closer than it had any business being. And, yes, I had to film this off the TV as well. If you go to MLB videos, they only show the NY feed, which didn't want to frighten Mets fans with the fact that they have to go up against this arm so many times in the future doesn't show the throw.

Sure do wish that arm of his was around in the days of Vietnam... Could'a used that artillery piece to help John Rambo and Colonel James Braddock free some of our boys a little earlier.
Also (hey, I'm getting serious for a second, so pipe down, dammit), I'm getting a little frustrated with Ian Desmond at shortstop. I love the guy, and his bat would play well for a second baseman. I also think that the shorter throw, and the longer time he can hold the ball would decrease his errors drastically. Now, the only question I have is if his psyche can handle it. He's been touted since way back when Jimmy Bowden compared him to Derek Jeter, and the superlatives didn't stop on his continued rise to the Majors. Could he handle a shift to second? They say he's a clubhouse leader, and that he is mentally strong, but I fear having him needing to be traded. Who would play second, then? Prospect wise, Lombardozzi, Hague, and Kobernus are still unknowns. And, lest we forget, the great Pete Orr ain't walking through that door any time again.
Okay, animated gifs of the Coffey Shuffle? If you said, "Yes, please!" than you're in luck. If you said, "Nope." then... what the hell are you doing at my blog? I don't exactly cater to anything more than photoshops, crappy videos, gifs, and shitty writing. Now then... ON WITH THE JIGGLING!

Happy Birthday, Espi!

Well, today is Danny Espinosa's birthday. Since I had to work today, I actually took Danny out to celebrate yesterday, after his game. We managed to squeeze in some mini-hoops, skee-ball, Dance Dance Revolution, and some quality time in the ball pit before we had to leave in order to get Danny back before curfew. Here's a picture of Danny having a blast.

Many thanks to the folks over at Chuck-E-Cheese's for the extra tokens. Oh, and thanks for that big ass yellow cake. That was some yummy shit.

Hope you had as good of a time as I did, Danny! Now, please go about hitting the three home runs you promised me you would today. (Even if you were a bit surly towards me when you promised me you'd do it. In fact, a small part of me still feels like you only said it so that I would untie your bound hands and feet.)

Milwaukee Brewers? More like Milwaukee Suck At Baseballers.

Ah, that was nice, wasn't it? The best part of the entire weekend? On Friday night, when Brewers starter Chris Narveson walked two with the bases loaded. He even walked Gorzelanny on four straight pitches. At the time, I tweeted, "When did the Brewers sign Garrett Mock?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, Brewers!!1! Your dude pitches like Garrett Mock!! I also enjoyed it immensely when Narveson threw ball four to Gorzelanny, and Wil the Thril was all, "Good pitch. Wait... WHAT!?"

So, what was the worst part about the weekend? Realizing that Garrett Mock is STILL IN THE FUCKING ORGANIZATION. Look at this line from Friday night's boxscore:


This is normally where I'd write something snarky about his performance. But, seriously... there are no words. I really cannot understand why he's taking up a roster spot. Do they think he'll just figure it out? I mean, that has to be it, right? He can't have a mechanical flaw that could be fixed, and you know why? A quick look at his B-Ref bio shows that he has played for 11 different teams in two organizations, Arizona and here. Now, if you have 11 different coaching staffs see you in your eight pro seasons, wouldn't you think that ONE person on those 11 coaching staffs could spot the mechanical issue? And who knows how many pitching coaches actually have seen him between those 11 teams and all his spring trainings. His BB/9IP rate of 1.7 in 2005 while playing in high A ball for the Diamondbacks is by far his best. Maybe we need to hunt down the coach of that 2005 Lancaster JetHawks squad and see if he can work with Mock. I mean, shit, ain't nothing else working.
(Okay, I need to move on before I convince myself to drive to Syracuse and pull Garrett's arm from his body. Apparently that might be the only way to get him out of the org.)
On game one of yesterday's double header, Jason Marquis did his best to make up for the big pile of poop that was his 2010 season, and the$7.5MM that he was given for that year, by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs. A nice attempt really, but short of him running over Chase Utley with his car, not much he does will ever let him off the hook for last year's 0 IP 7 run game debacle. That was one year ago today exactly, and the wound has not come close to healing. If Jason wants to make an attempt at winning me back, he can start by getting Danny Espinosa to lay his magical hands upon my daughter, thus gracing upon her the awesomeness that is Daniel. Oh, and get him to ride bikes with me on an off day. I'll buy one of those two seater bicycles, and we can just cruise around together. Him laughing at my cool jokes, and me tussling his hair while sharing an ice-cream sundae from the local Maggie Moos. No, wait... I bet he like the Peanut Butter S'moo, just like me! Of course he does, how could I be so silly to doubt that.
In game two, Livo did his best to make up for what he did to the franchise, too. You see, back in 2006 Livo was traded by the Nats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Matty Chico and (wait for it.....) Garrett Mock. He feels so badly about it that he wakes up every morning with a yucky taste in his mouth. He has sworn to devote every day of the rest of his life to Nats fans, trying to amend that transaction. His seven inning, one run performance yesterday was proof of his dedication to eradicating all memories of a relation between himself and Garrett.
And finally, I was pretty shocked when I saw one of those MASN ads about Jim Riggleman's coaching philosophy. It was the one where he says, "you call it small ball, I call it smart ball." Imagine my surprise when they showed a clip of him putting on the hit-and-run with a very struggling Michael Morse at the plate, and a very slow running Wilson Ramos at first base from last Thursday's game. (Did I mention that Ramos is slow, and that Morse was in a humongous rut at the time?) Anywhoo, Jimmy Riggles put the wheels in motion. Morse struck out, and Ramos was caught stealing by a mile. How did Riggles feel after the play?

Fuckers. Yup, aggressive base-running is fantastic when it works out, but it can make me want to go to Nats Park and leave a note on Jim's car that reads, "So sorry about hitting your car. Unfortunately, I'm broke, and can't help you pay for the repairs" when it doesn't work. (See, cause there wouldn't really be any damage to Jim's car, but he'll be all, "Darnit!" and will look all over his car for the "damage." But there is none! Tee hee! That'll learn 'em to try to play small ball with a guy at the plate hitting .133.)

Detwiler and Espi? That'll do, Pig. That'll do.

That dude that was in Babe has been in a bazillion movies and TV shows, and has been nominated for one Oscar and three Emmy Awards. Yet, I still can only think of him as the farmer in Babe. And I use that quote in the post title all the time. I mean, I love my wife dearly, and she knows this (I think), but why in THE hell would I ever find myself saying, "That'll do, pig. That'll do." when she asks me certain questions? It's insane, but I do actually say it to her. I mean it to be nice, but there is no way in hell any woman is ever going to take it that way. Yet I still find myself saying it. I know she's gonna leave me one day for it, and my daughter is going to run away from home in 15 years because I'll keep saying to her, but I can't stop. It's like an addiction. I'm addicted to farmer Arthur Hogget's Babe quote. Is there rehab for that? Anyway, my post title was meant to indicate that Danny Espinosa and Ross Detwiler are gonna do just fine. Oh, and if that's the only thing you take away from yesterday's Nats Braves game, then you're doing it right. Aside from those two, the game was an absolute shit show.

Ross went 3 innings, giving up one hit, walking one, while striking out five. Those five strikeouts include the last four batters he faced for the day, too. He did happen to give up a run, but it was unearned as Ian De6mond started right where he left off last season with a throwing error. Yup, Ross probably stood loud and proud after yesterday's showing. He might have even gone to a local drinking establishment last night to order an alcoholic beverage or two in order to celebrate that outing. Unfortunately for Ross, he looks exactly like the 16-year-old kid that plays a 14-year-old kid on that show Parenthood, and no bartender on earth would serve him. (What? Yes, you have seen that show. It's the one with the guy from that '90s TV show Coach now playing the grandfather. You remember Coach, right? It was the show about the Minnesota State University Screaming Eagle football team. One assistant coach was played by Jerry Van Dyke, and the other one's name was Dauber. Still not ringing any bells? Okay, how about the fact that Parenthood has the guy who played Casey McCall in Sports Night playing the son of the Coach guy? Still nothing? GAH, you people are uncouth peasants!) But, seriously, even if Ross showed his ID, they'd laugh him out of the bar. Bryce Harper probably has to buy the bears and slip them to Ross under the table. Don't believe me? Okay, smart ass, which one of these two dudes is a 25-year-old baseball player, and which one can't buy porn yet?



Yeah, well... If Ross wasn't wearing his stupid uniform, you never would'a got it!

Now, Ross would've given up two runs yesterday if it wasn't for MY MAIN AMIGO, Danny Espinosa and his WWII era artillery gun for an arm. I mean, really, seriously, it's a ridiculous bazooka arm that Espinosa has. Jason Heyward was on first, and some jabroni hits a double. Nyjer is playing shallow and has to run to the warning track to get it. Nyjer grabs it, throws it 100 feet to Danny (on a goddamn HOP), who whirls around and... well... here's the video to show you how it worked out. I spliced footage that I got from inside the park about 35 seconds in. It has sounds from the outfield that we didn't get on the TV broadcast.

Yup, yup. 200 feet on the fly. I saw Wilson Ramos crying in the dugout after the inning. He had to have Danny come over and kiss his catching hand to make it all better. (True story!)

It also didn't hurt that my jersey came in on Saturday. What jersey is that, you ask? Well, let me show you!



BAM! How you like them apples? Now, the only thing that is guaranteed in the world, since I bought this jersey, is that Danny will change his uniform number. Because he hates me. It's probably from that time that I ran after him in the players parking lot after a game last year. I just wanted to hug him, since he's all cuddly looking. I tripped while I was running to grab him, though, and hit Nyjer's car with my face. I then flipped over Nyjer's hood and landed onto Desmond's car and put my lower torso through the windshield. Yeah. Pretty embarrassing moment all around. Especially since I was still screaming for Danny to come and hug me as the paramedics were trying to extract me from Ian's vehicle. The fact that they had to cut my clothes off might have weirded him out a bit as well, cause I was showing him my man bits... but, whatever. I'm cool. In fact, I'm sure he's forgotten the whole thing.

Danny Espinosa, you big lug.

So, Danny Espinosa is playing winter ball in Puerto Rico this year (Cause let's face it, real men play ball ALL. YEAR. LONG.) and happened to have himself a pretty good game last night.The line from the box score?

5 plate appearances. BB, 1B, 2B, 3B, HR, 4 RBI.

Yay, it's the cycle! One of the most random baseball stats around. But don't let its randomness confuse you into thinking it's not pure awesomeness, however, cause it sure as shit is. He hit the HR first, then added the triple, then walked. When he came up to bat for the fourth time, the pitcher was all:

Which was a pretty appropriate reaction, as Espi was raking last night, and hit a double in that at bat, and finished it off with a single in his last plate appearance. That's man style right there. Hit the big balls for the kiddies in case they gotta leave before the game is over. (He's a fucking philanthropist on top of everything else, you know.)

Any-who, Espi rules and his opponents drool. It's getting to be old hat at this point. Be prepared for him to hit .375/.520/.780 next year, folks. And win a Gold Glove. And save a kid from choking on a hot dog in the 7th inning stretch. All in a season's work, ya know?

P.S. In case you were wondering, gingerbread men do not make natural actors. I had that one gingerbread man above try that "scared face" on his own, and it came out worse than Chase Utley trying to act modest. Fakest expression ever. So, I snapped a pic of his regular face, then got the scared shot by giving him some motivation. That motivation was simply to put him in the most terrifying situation the little guy could ever be in:



I almost feel bad for the little man, but nature is nature, and Meat Hook was gonna eat him eventually. Might as well make it a good photo opportunity.

PPS. Danny is playing for the "Leones de Ponce" in the Puerto Rican League. If your Spanish is as horrible as mine, you pronounce it "Leonces day Ponces", which is cool cause it rhymes, and you can pretend all the team names in that league rhyme. And a league of all rhyming named teams makes me smile for some reason.

Come get some loving, Danny Espinosa!

I seriously, really, absolutely, genuinely, truly, do not have anything to add about Danny Espinosa's performance yesterday after displaying this line from the box score.

AB R H RBI BB SO LOB AVG

5 2 4 6 0 0 1 .563

Batting.
2B: Espinosa (3. Perez, O)
HR: Espinosa: 2 (3, 3rd inning of Pelfrey, 0 on, 0 out, 6th inning off Igarashi, 3 on, 2 out).
TB: Espinosa 11. <--------- O.o
RBI: Espinosa 6 (10).

So, since I don't have anything worthwhile to add... It's SING ALONG TIME! LOVE YOU, DANNY!

Danny Espiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinosa from Section 138 on Vimeo.

(Photo: Cheryl Nichols, Nationals News Network)

My Nats stalking week. Always fun.

So, I got yelled at by someone who reads this shit that I haven't posted enough. I told them to follow me on Twitter, cause that's where I do most of my Nats talk. (twitter.com/section138) They reminded me that they have a microwave from the 1980s, and that there was no way they were going to ever learn what the hell Twitter was, let alone follow me on it.
I also got yelled at by someone who does follow me on Twitter that tweeting shouldn't be a replacement for my blog. So, after telling my mom to get off my back and out the basement (This is my space, mom!), I'm finally finishing a post I started weeks ago.
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Well, it was the Nationals Winter Caravan (Should that all be capitalized? I'm feeling like Screech's Best Friend here...) last week, and I managed to hit a couple stops to harass meet the guys. First up was a trip to Tysons Corner mall to meet Drew Storen, Ryan Speier, and Danny Espinosa. (Oh, Riggles and Dibble were there too.) I was fucking around at work earlier that day trying to figure out what to get Drew to sign. A pair of red socks? Too obvious. My breast(s)? Too creepy (and probably too punch-in-the-face inducing). How about a picture of how goddamn sweet he would look if he kept his socks? Meh, I was done thinking at that point, so that worked for me.
We hit the mall and found the guys in the front of the Build A Bear workshop looking really excited to be there. Seriously. They did. Anyway, first up was Drew Storen, and my wife introduced herself and handed him a baseball to sign. This ball's been signed by quite a few guys and all in ink. Drew only had a sharpie. He said he didn't want to ruin the ball, and asked for someone to get him a pen. Well, no one could find a pen, so to bide some time I handed him the picture I had printed out and asked him to sign it with his sharpie. He smiled a bit, gladly signed it, and shook my hand. Good kid. Good cuff-links, too. At this point there was still no sign of a ball point pen, and there were about ten people behind us. I was feeling bad, so I said to Drew, "You know... Luke Montz' signature is on the ball, so you really can't ruin it any more than it is [by using sharpie]." I'm not sure if he heard me right, though, because at that point he laughed. (Are ball players allowed laugh at people ragging on other ball players? Is there a whole un-written code book out there for this shit?) We finally scored a pen, Drew signed the wife's ball, and I bid him farewell. I highly regret not giving him any shit about ditching the socks, but I didn't want the guy to have me escorted out of the Build A Bear. I'm pretty sure they make you register on some kind of offender list for that.
I met Speier, and shot the shit with him about Radford. I asked him if he went there because of it's reputation as a party school, and he said, "No. Not really." I told him he could tell me... really. Who else am I gonna tell? The four people that read this? C'mon, seriously. He then admitted that the reputation the school had gotten in the 90s for being a party school was gone by the time he got there. I asked him when the hell he graduated. He said 2001. I then realized I'm an old ass bastard. Sigh. Oh... also... he's tall. We're talking Chewbacca tall here. Not as hairy, though.
Next up was Danny Espinosa, who I like a lot (and holy shit... I just did a search of my blog to link to the posts where I've talked about him. It came up empty. This is a travesty of the highest proportion, and I will see to it that whomever is responsible be killed). So, I'm chatting him up a little, but I get distracted. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my wife talking to Rob Dibble. She'd gotten Storen, Speier, and Espi to sign her ball, and now Dibbs is reaching out for it so he can sign it. I turn to watch what's happening, and the next thing I know, the wife pulls the fucking ball away from Dibble. She instead reaches for one of the signed photos every person has in front of them, and moves on to talk to Jim Riggleman.

100% true story, and the reason why, at that very moment, I knew I had chosen the right person to spend the rest of my life with. Love you, sweetie!

Now, here's the picture that I had Drew sign that is now framed and hanging in my office. Right at eye level so I can see it and talk to it. All. Day. Long.



I saw some more dudes at White Flint mall later that week, and got to get Clippard to sign something else I had made, but I'll make that another post. Right now, I gotta... well... I don't really have to do anything, but I know how much I hate reading. And if you guys hate reading things one quarter as much as I hate reading things then... well... you quit long ago.