Milwaukee Brewers? More like Milwaukee Suck At Baseballers.

Ah, that was nice, wasn't it? The best part of the entire weekend? On Friday night, when Brewers starter Chris Narveson walked two with the bases loaded. He even walked Gorzelanny on four straight pitches. At the time, I tweeted, "When did the Brewers sign Garrett Mock?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, Brewers!!1! Your dude pitches like Garrett Mock!! I also enjoyed it immensely when Narveson threw ball four to Gorzelanny, and Wil the Thril was all, "Good pitch. Wait... WHAT!?"

So, what was the worst part about the weekend? Realizing that Garrett Mock is STILL IN THE FUCKING ORGANIZATION. Look at this line from Friday night's boxscore:


This is normally where I'd write something snarky about his performance. But, seriously... there are no words. I really cannot understand why he's taking up a roster spot. Do they think he'll just figure it out? I mean, that has to be it, right? He can't have a mechanical flaw that could be fixed, and you know why? A quick look at his B-Ref bio shows that he has played for 11 different teams in two organizations, Arizona and here. Now, if you have 11 different coaching staffs see you in your eight pro seasons, wouldn't you think that ONE person on those 11 coaching staffs could spot the mechanical issue? And who knows how many pitching coaches actually have seen him between those 11 teams and all his spring trainings. His BB/9IP rate of 1.7 in 2005 while playing in high A ball for the Diamondbacks is by far his best. Maybe we need to hunt down the coach of that 2005 Lancaster JetHawks squad and see if he can work with Mock. I mean, shit, ain't nothing else working.
(Okay, I need to move on before I convince myself to drive to Syracuse and pull Garrett's arm from his body. Apparently that might be the only way to get him out of the org.)
On game one of yesterday's double header, Jason Marquis did his best to make up for the big pile of poop that was his 2010 season, and the$7.5MM that he was given for that year, by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs. A nice attempt really, but short of him running over Chase Utley with his car, not much he does will ever let him off the hook for last year's 0 IP 7 run game debacle. That was one year ago today exactly, and the wound has not come close to healing. If Jason wants to make an attempt at winning me back, he can start by getting Danny Espinosa to lay his magical hands upon my daughter, thus gracing upon her the awesomeness that is Daniel. Oh, and get him to ride bikes with me on an off day. I'll buy one of those two seater bicycles, and we can just cruise around together. Him laughing at my cool jokes, and me tussling his hair while sharing an ice-cream sundae from the local Maggie Moos. No, wait... I bet he like the Peanut Butter S'moo, just like me! Of course he does, how could I be so silly to doubt that.
In game two, Livo did his best to make up for what he did to the franchise, too. You see, back in 2006 Livo was traded by the Nats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Matty Chico and (wait for it.....) Garrett Mock. He feels so badly about it that he wakes up every morning with a yucky taste in his mouth. He has sworn to devote every day of the rest of his life to Nats fans, trying to amend that transaction. His seven inning, one run performance yesterday was proof of his dedication to eradicating all memories of a relation between himself and Garrett.
And finally, I was pretty shocked when I saw one of those MASN ads about Jim Riggleman's coaching philosophy. It was the one where he says, "you call it small ball, I call it smart ball." Imagine my surprise when they showed a clip of him putting on the hit-and-run with a very struggling Michael Morse at the plate, and a very slow running Wilson Ramos at first base from last Thursday's game. (Did I mention that Ramos is slow, and that Morse was in a humongous rut at the time?) Anywhoo, Jimmy Riggles put the wheels in motion. Morse struck out, and Ramos was caught stealing by a mile. How did Riggles feel after the play?

Fuckers. Yup, aggressive base-running is fantastic when it works out, but it can make me want to go to Nats Park and leave a note on Jim's car that reads, "So sorry about hitting your car. Unfortunately, I'm broke, and can't help you pay for the repairs" when it doesn't work. (See, cause there wouldn't really be any damage to Jim's car, but he'll be all, "Darnit!" and will look all over his car for the "damage." But there is none! Tee hee! That'll learn 'em to try to play small ball with a guy at the plate hitting .133.)

Come get some loving, Danny Espinosa!

I seriously, really, absolutely, genuinely, truly, do not have anything to add about Danny Espinosa's performance yesterday after displaying this line from the box score.

AB R H RBI BB SO LOB AVG

5 2 4 6 0 0 1 .563

Batting.
2B: Espinosa (3. Perez, O)
HR: Espinosa: 2 (3, 3rd inning of Pelfrey, 0 on, 0 out, 6th inning off Igarashi, 3 on, 2 out).
TB: Espinosa 11. <--------- O.o
RBI: Espinosa 6 (10).

So, since I don't have anything worthwhile to add... It's SING ALONG TIME! LOVE YOU, DANNY!

Danny Espiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinosa from Section 138 on Vimeo.

(Photo: Cheryl Nichols, Nationals News Network)

Damn, Manny Acta is deep!

I had no idea we had the Dalai Lama coaching this team. I just want to hug this man!
This is a quote clipped from Chico's Nationals Journal post. I'll (try to) set it up for you. Chico was explaining to Manny how we was writing an article about Acta's managerial style, specifically his patience. It led to a conversation about the dust up in the dugout between Manny and Elijah, and how it was leading off Baseball Tonight and other shows. Manny said he does this behind doors often, but no-one makes a big deal of it then. Chico tries to blame it on more media presence, but Manny doesn't bite. His explanation for the blown out of proportion dugout scene being headline news?

It's the sadness of the world. Sarcasm. Negativity. We live in world where people love to boo instead of cheer. They'd rather say No than Yes. They love to say, You suck, instead of, It's OK you'll get 'em next time. They love violence instead of calm. That's why I'm so worried and feel bad about my daughter's future in this world. It is simple: The Washington Nationals sometime go days without being seen on highlights on TV shows. And that night, because of a little argument in the dugout, we were the leading story. What does that tell you?

Fuck. Manny is muy profundamente.

Kearnsie poops on poopy Pirates

KEARNSIE! Much love to my beloved #25. Stroking home the winning run. I like that. Speaking of stroking, I gotta get this out of the way. Da Meat Hook has been on the DL with a bad back, and it was just a shitty situation. Nothing was getting better. There were two consultations with doctors (3 if you count Andrew's opinion), and even a call into the Mayo Clinic. Nothing was fixing this shit. That is...until a lady got her hands on Meat. Clipping from the WaPo notebook:

"Young worked with Nationals massage therapist Tatiana Tchamouroff, who focused on his penis hip flexor rather than his back.

"All of a sudden, he felt instant release," Bowden said. "She found the spot."'

You want happy ending now?

Anyway, Nats destroyed the Pirates last night. I didn't get to watch any of the game, only listened to the first inning on the radio cause I had a game to umpire last night. I heard the call on Wil the Thril's 2 run poke, and knew the ballgame was over. I have yet to look at the box score, but I assume the Nationals had 29 hits and the Pirates 1.

Nats have now won 4 straight, and 7 of their last 9. Their record is now 12-17 (.414). Pirates? NOT SO GOOD! How's .393 feel, losers? Other losers? A certain frequent visitor's Rangers. .379? Good god man! Time to have Josh Hammy dealing his stuff in the locker room, maybe.

Well, more goodness to come tonight. Pirates? Maybe wanna bring some skill tonight. Forecast?:

Luis for President!

Mi hermano, Luis, was in fine spirits last night. It started out with the usual head nod and peace sign. Then he started fucking around with all the relievers, doing goofie shit like flicking their ears from behind. We asked him if we could get a picture, and he obliged. He was doing some weird posing, then decided to walk over to Cordero. As you can see, he placed a hex on Chad, and his fucking arm fell off when he went out to pith the 9th inning. Lesson learned, folks? Nobody fucks with the Luis.


He asked the Mrs. if she would like a ball. I think all she managed was a meek nod, like a 10 year old would do.


His final wicked awesome act of the night (besides destroying the Braves lineup with his laser like precision and accuracy?) was to play around with one of the ems/police dudes that hang out in the bullpen (making the entire section smell like bacon all the while). I saw him trying to place this on some of the guys, but both O'Connor and hammer hands caught him. Anyway, he was talking to the ems/cop and convinced him to come out into the bullpen area and wave to the fans. I was giggling like Ray King at Five Guys, but managed to get this shot. Click the picture for the large image, and laugh. Bonus points to the other two ems/cops for not telling their homey. They were busting their guts, though.



So, finally my friends, I beg of you. I implore you. Please, when you strike your vote this November for the person who shall lead our land...write Luis in. I know he's Mexican, but hell..that might as well be part of the United States.
Bonus points to anyone who can come up with a wicked cool nickname for Mi hermano, Luis. No, it can't be "Mi hermano", either.

Johnny Freaking Lannan

Let it be said, Johnny Lannan is one sexy mother fucker. You've all seen the stats by now, so no need to repeat them here.

What EVER! Peep this shit, folks:

Last 3 starts: 2-0; 20 IP; 0.45 ERA; 7 BB; 18 K; 101 pitches/game; 19 consecutive scoreless innings. I even did the math, and his WHIP over those games? That, my friends, is a fucking delicious 0.95.

So, to recap.. Lannan = Buddha (who would beat the Christian God's butt in hand to hand combat.)

Things ain't all hugs and hand pounds smiles and grab assing in the clubhouse, however. We still have to have the offense...err...I dunno..not suck. (Flop and Gooz exempt)


Leading the blow brigade is our very own, very mortal Zim. Followed by Kearnsie, WMP, and (I have to say) Slick.
AB BA OBP K RBI
Zim 108 .222 .256 22 10
Kearnsie 91 .187 .308 16 10
WMP 47 .170 .220 15 2
Slick 74 .216 .392 18 14

Thems there stats ain't pretty. Down right Sam Cassell ugly, in fact.

Day off today, then we welcome the Injins back into town.

Wil with walk-off

Well, I had my Mr. Walk-Off shirt on last night, just had the wrong silhouette. Let me just sum up that 9th inning with this..

That's what the fuck I'm mother fucking talking about!

The bomb dropped into the bullpen, right in front of us. If it wasn't a 20 foot drop, I would've jumped for it.

Cordero was going nuts. Absolute bat shit crazy. Hammerhands grabbed the ball and stuffed it into his back pocket. I'm sure he had a present for Wil.

Luis gave me a nod and a wave, so the streak continues.

Chico to the rescue.

It's ok, cause we've got the left coast lefty throwing today to stop our skid. He'll do his usual bang-up job, going 7 with 2 hits allowed, and 10 K's.

The bad news, though, is that Manny will turn to the bullpen (which used to rock out with their cock out..now? not so much.) and the lead* won't be held. Or will it? Only time will tell.

*may or may not be a lead. Why? Because outside of Gooz, Slick, and Flop, no one could hit a beach ball tossed underhand these days. (question to self - did I just compliment Flop? Might wanna start saying some prayers, folks, cause I think the apocalypse is upon us.)

I could show some stats, and write a thesis on the poor offense right now, but I'm not OMG. Please feel free to visit them, if you believe you have the time. All I'm going to do is pose this one question:

With a runner in scoring position, do you have any faith in the line-up at all, outside of the three I mentioned above, to drive them in? If you say yes, I call bullshit. You really think Kearnsie's gonna get them home? Milledge? WMP?!?! Estrada (Who still gets man love from me because of his stirrups)? Ryan Zimmerman, whose name is now mortal? I think I'd rather turn the TV off at this point, instead of watching them strike out, then ground into a double play.

Ah, what the hell. It's stats day today.

As much as I despise that certain 34 year old rump roasted left handed reliever, I likey what I'm seeing from Gooz. Except for one thing, but I'll get to that later.
Stats on the year for the Goozman:
AB: 43; H: 14; 2B: 2; 3B: 2; HR: 2; RBI 6; BB: 0; K:4
I'll do the math for you fuckers, and project that out for the season:
H: 252!; 2B/3B/HR: 36; RBI: 108; K:72; R: 144.
Pretty beastly, no? Obviously, he can't keep all of that up for the season, but fuck it, he's golden to me right now. I'd take those numbers anywhere in the lineup. Except lead off. Did I mention he's leading off right now? Did I mention these projections?:
OBP: .318; SB: 0; BB: 0.
Nope, that ain't too fucking good for a lead off man. If you look at the regular starters, he ranks 6th in OBP. It goes Kearnsie, Slick, Blastings, LoDu, Flop, Gooz, Belly, and Mr. Walk-off in order of best to worst. Kearnsie (I just want to squeeze that lil' hairy man!) is leading with .395. How does that happen when the guy is only (for now) hitting .233? He has 7 BB's. Look, I know Gooz had that eye surgery, and that's how he's hitting the cow-spit outta the ball. But, for the love of God, someone get him to take a few fucking pitches! Gorilla Glue his bat to his shoulders for a few at-bats. Maybe then he can get on base.
Gooz's BA (.326) is higher than his fucking OBP! Great googley moogley.
I'm going to put my manager hat on, and play Manny. Drop Gooz down in the order. Please. I'm begging you. Put Blastings in the number one spot. He's got a .341 OBP (BTW, that's the only thing any potential lead off can be judged on. Did you realize the Nats only have two stolen bases? Two. 2. Talk about dick samiches!), with a little pop (1 HR 2 2B). Then, Gooz can hit second all year long. Move Slick up to third, drop The Non-Human to fourth, and we all set. World Series, look the fuck out, cause this bingo train is about to roll!
Now, excuse me while I go rub one out to the replay of Gooz's 2 3B, 3 RBI game from Monday. If you need me, go fuck yourself.