Ah, what the hell. It's stats day today.

As much as I despise that certain 34 year old rump roasted left handed reliever, I likey what I'm seeing from Gooz. Except for one thing, but I'll get to that later.
Stats on the year for the Goozman:
AB: 43; H: 14; 2B: 2; 3B: 2; HR: 2; RBI 6; BB: 0; K:4
I'll do the math for you fuckers, and project that out for the season:
H: 252!; 2B/3B/HR: 36; RBI: 108; K:72; R: 144.
Pretty beastly, no? Obviously, he can't keep all of that up for the season, but fuck it, he's golden to me right now. I'd take those numbers anywhere in the lineup. Except lead off. Did I mention he's leading off right now? Did I mention these projections?:
OBP: .318; SB: 0; BB: 0.
Nope, that ain't too fucking good for a lead off man. If you look at the regular starters, he ranks 6th in OBP. It goes Kearnsie, Slick, Blastings, LoDu, Flop, Gooz, Belly, and Mr. Walk-off in order of best to worst. Kearnsie (I just want to squeeze that lil' hairy man!) is leading with .395. How does that happen when the guy is only (for now) hitting .233? He has 7 BB's. Look, I know Gooz had that eye surgery, and that's how he's hitting the cow-spit outta the ball. But, for the love of God, someone get him to take a few fucking pitches! Gorilla Glue his bat to his shoulders for a few at-bats. Maybe then he can get on base.
Gooz's BA (.326) is higher than his fucking OBP! Great googley moogley.
I'm going to put my manager hat on, and play Manny. Drop Gooz down in the order. Please. I'm begging you. Put Blastings in the number one spot. He's got a .341 OBP (BTW, that's the only thing any potential lead off can be judged on. Did you realize the Nats only have two stolen bases? Two. 2. Talk about dick samiches!), with a little pop (1 HR 2 2B). Then, Gooz can hit second all year long. Move Slick up to third, drop The Non-Human to fourth, and we all set. World Series, look the fuck out, cause this bingo train is about to roll!
Now, excuse me while I go rub one out to the replay of Gooz's 2 3B, 3 RBI game from Monday. If you need me, go fuck yourself.

Opening Night

What did we learn?

• Kearnsie eats other right fielders for breakfast. Seriously. The man is an unstoppable defensive force. You could drop a bear from a helicopter into right field, and Kearns would catch it, kill it with his eye lasers, and throw it to 2nd in time to nail Jose Reyes. It's true. In fact..hang on..I'm updating Kearnsie's Wikipedia page. Not some faggy Koala Bear, either. We're talking a 300 lb fucking Grizzly.
  
• LoDuca has two noodle arms. He couldn't throw out a dick samich trying to still 2nd with his limp right arm, and he can't catch a Rauchie fastball with his limp left arm. Please, please, go back on the 'roids, Paul. I'm begging you. I'll even hook you up with a local 19 year old.
  
• Da Meat Hook is psychic. He predicted somone would win the game before Austin would get a chance to hit. The new Diabetes medicine they have him on must be some crazy shit.
• Finally, there's Zim. This guy eats lighting and shits thunder. Forget Chuck Norris, Zim would anally abuse Chuck. Hell, I heard that one time his mom was trying to beat him with a wooden spoon when he was 7. Zim turned to his mom, said, "What the fuck, Woman?", grabbed the wooden spoon, and hit her 400 feet on a rope.