Danny Espinosa, you big lug.

So, Danny Espinosa is playing winter ball in Puerto Rico this year (Cause let's face it, real men play ball ALL. YEAR. LONG.) and happened to have himself a pretty good game last night.The line from the box score?

5 plate appearances. BB, 1B, 2B, 3B, HR, 4 RBI.

Yay, it's the cycle! One of the most random baseball stats around. But don't let its randomness confuse you into thinking it's not pure awesomeness, however, cause it sure as shit is. He hit the HR first, then added the triple, then walked. When he came up to bat for the fourth time, the pitcher was all:

Which was a pretty appropriate reaction, as Espi was raking last night, and hit a double in that at bat, and finished it off with a single in his last plate appearance. That's man style right there. Hit the big balls for the kiddies in case they gotta leave before the game is over. (He's a fucking philanthropist on top of everything else, you know.)

Any-who, Espi rules and his opponents drool. It's getting to be old hat at this point. Be prepared for him to hit .375/.520/.780 next year, folks. And win a Gold Glove. And save a kid from choking on a hot dog in the 7th inning stretch. All in a season's work, ya know?

P.S. In case you were wondering, gingerbread men do not make natural actors. I had that one gingerbread man above try that "scared face" on his own, and it came out worse than Chase Utley trying to act modest. Fakest expression ever. So, I snapped a pic of his regular face, then got the scared shot by giving him some motivation. That motivation was simply to put him in the most terrifying situation the little guy could ever be in:



I almost feel bad for the little man, but nature is nature, and Meat Hook was gonna eat him eventually. Might as well make it a good photo opportunity.

PPS. Danny is playing for the "Leones de Ponce" in the Puerto Rican League. If your Spanish is as horrible as mine, you pronounce it "Leonces day Ponces", which is cool cause it rhymes, and you can pretend all the team names in that league rhyme. And a league of all rhyming named teams makes me smile for some reason.

Meat like a da weed.

So, Dmitri Young was recently arrested with some pot and pot paraphernalia. I didn't really read too much of the article, cause I love me some Meat Hook, and it depressed me that he was arrested. But what also depressed me was that I had someone living in my office for years that I could be using for profit in one of my many, many business ventures. You see... I'm also a drug dealer in my spare time. (Now, don't judge me, dammit, cause I'm many worse things than a drug dealer. I'm also a Ron Villone apologist. You see, Ron is great for many things - one of them being putting my 4-week-old to sleep. When she cries up a fit, I just throw in a DVD of one of Villone's Nats appearances and - BOOM - she's bored to sleep in seven minutes, which is the approximate time it takes Villone to throw one fucking pitch.*)

Anyway, I decided to try a little experiment on my Dmitri bobble head. First, I plopped him on my desk and asked him regular questions like, "Hey, Meat, how's it going?" and "How bout this weather?" His response was as expected...

"Meh"

Then, I pulled out this giant sack of weed that I have in my desk drawer, and plopped it in front of him to see his reaction.

"YOWZERS!"

Yup. Meat certainly perked up. Oh, I guess it's at this point that I should provide you with Dmiti's explanation. You see... Meat has (as we all know) the diabetes and... apparently... weed helps out with the diabetes. So, while he may be quick with the bills for some weed, it's not just for reckless recreational purposes. It's for science, dammit, and don't forget it.**

Okay, I'm done my post for the month, so I'm checking out like Pedro Cerrano at a curve ball convention. Later, taters, and if you're in Rockville tonight, hit me up and I'll let you saddle up next to me at the bar and buy me a few Yuenglings during Strasburg's start. I'll be the one bare-chested with "FEAR THE EARS!" painted on my torso. (You see... Stras has these giant satellites for ears, and "fear" rhymes with "ea"... ah fuck it.)

*Why yes, I did recycle one of my Twitter tweets. I'm getting lazy in my old age.

**I couldn't give two shits why anyone smokes, by the way. If it helps you with your pains/anxiety/sleeplessness/medical condition/stress good for you. Seriously. It ain't my cup of tea anymore, but I'd be the largest ass hat on the planet if I tried to strike down someone for smoking given my past indulgences. Oh wait... make that second biggest ass hat. Forgot about Rob Dibble.

The Hammer, Rizzo, and Da Meat Hook.

Welp... Josh Willingham didn't just hit one grand slam last night, and he didn't just he two grand slams last night, but he hit... (What's that? Oh, crap. I'm so used to having to make shit up, that I was already in 'extreme exaggeration mode' there. Sorry!) Yes, it's true. Josh Willingham hit two grand slams last night in consecutive at bats. It was such a great feat, that it's only the 13th time in history it's happened. In fact, if you go to espn.com you can find a blurb about it buried way below articles on Alfonso Soriano hitting a walk-off grand slam*, and the potential end of John Smoltz' career. Keep looking. It's there. See? Just look at this teeny tiny caption under the video. Yup... it's called the "ESPNews Highlight Of The Night", folks.

In case you didn't see it, here's the video that I stole got from MLB.com.

The Brewers announcers don't make that big a deal out of it, of course, but I do remember Rob Dibble shouting "SMACK 'EM YAK 'EM!" during a replay. (Also of note... I can't remember the last time I saw so many dudes wearing jorts. Seriously, every crowd shot had one or two jort wearers. It was amazing. God bless Wisconsin.) Oh, and do they broadcast from left-center field? Why do they say "that's coming our way" on the second grand slam ball? Someone produce answers, stat.

Last night was also the first time watching a game with my neighbor's cat. His owner hates baseball, but was out of town, so I watched it with him. Cool cat, btw. Just prop him up on the couch, and feed him beers, and he's happy. Anyway, after The Hammer hit his second grand slam, I snapped a picture of the lil' guy watching it.


That lil' dude had me playing it over and over again on the DVR. He really likes baseball. Or, was really drunk from the seven beers I gave him. Either way, he's a brand new cat after staying with me last night.

So, much props, Mr. Willingham(mer). (Ripped off of Jamie Mottram's Twitter feed.) He may be the 13th player in MLB history to do that, but he's only the 3rd player to do it in the National League. If Mike Rizzo was going to trade him, I don't think there's a chance in Hell his value will ever be higher than right now.

Speaking of trading... The trade deadline in Friday, 7/31. It looks like the Nats lost out on moving Nick Johnson to either the Red Sox or the Giants, as they chose to trade for one of the LaRoche brothers and Ryan Garko respectively. There are grumblings out there that the Cubs are interested in Joey Beimel, and others have talked about Willingham and Willie Harris, but has Mike Rizzo waited too long or asked too much for them? There are those that say yes, but I just came across this column by Phil Wood where some scouts have nice things to say about Rizzo. All of which I agree with, btw.

"Look at the talent this guy has drafted for Washington," the AL scout said. "And the trade with Pittsburgh was outstanding." Certainly Nyjer Morgan has made an impact on this team, but this guy came back to the draft. "Washington has so many good arms throughout their system," he said, "they're not going to be doormats for long."

"What else does Riz have to do to lose the interim tag?", said the NL scout. "Taking over that job under those circumstances during spring training? Somebody needs to explain to me how he could've done any better cleaning up the mess Bowden left behind."

I, too, can't understand why he's still got that damn interim tag on him. There have even been rumors that Boras is reluctant to negotiate with the Nats over Strasburg because Boras/Strasburg have no idea what the Nats are doing with their front office. (I know, I know. Posturing. Let's wait until August 13-ish to start worrying. But it does bring up a good point.)

Until you're replaced though, Mike... pull the trigger. Slick ain't getting any younger, nor healthier, dammit. (And He's not a candidate for re-signing with us, in my opinion. I'm pretty sure he'd choose to sign with someone that can win now, as opposed to the Nats, which are a win in 2-3 years club.)

And, finally, Dmitri Young went on the DL with a torn jaw muscle quad, thus ending his year. Will it also end his Nationals career? If his text messages are any indications... then yes, it will.

The first baseman said in a text message on Sunday that he is "preparing myself 4 next year sumwhere."

I'll miss ya, Meat, but not your contract. That $5MM (Jesus, JimBo!) can now go to better use. Let's hope that if your baseball career is, indeed, over that you will start what is bound to be a great new career in the world of competitive eating. I might not pay $20 to see you wobble around first base, but I sure as well would pay $5 to see you destroy some chicken wings. Godspeed, to you, and your hair.



*A note on Soriano's grand slam - I was watching SportsCenter, and they showed a clip of the game winner from a different angle any of the clips I can find online. It showed Soriano showboating all the way around the infield, and giving the John Cena 'you can't see me' hand gesture to the Astros dugout. (Partial glimpse on this video as he rounds third.) I'm not one on impassioned speeches about the "right way" to play the game and all, but I'll just say this... I hope Halladay Oswalt [Damn you, trade deadline for getting him in my head!] drills him in his fucking ear tonight. And I'm pretty sure he will.

The Meat is bad, and Balester blogs!

Meat got removed form the 40 man roster, and was outrighted to the new AAA location - Syracuse, NY. He could have said no, and opted for free agency, but he's smarter than he looks. See, the Nats are still on the hook for his $5MM salary next year. So, Meat decided "Hell. Pay me my money while I go to Coney Island on my off days and eats me some Nathans hot dogs!" Little does he know, Coney Island is 4 1/2 hours from Syracuse.
In all seriousness, I'm a huge Meat fan, and love his stick when he's healthy. (Don't get me started on his defense, however. I was flabbergasted that any NL team would give that much money to a guy who will NEVER be playing the 9th inning of a tied or close game. Sometimes he wouldn't play the 8th, even. Mind boggling!) Here's hoping he can get his diabetes under check, and be back to playing shape. Me thinks this might have to do more with needing roster space than throwing Dmitri to the curb.
In other news, Collin Balester has a blog. He only has four posts up, but already we've found out quite a few things:

1. His nickname is Bally.
2. He likes to talk in the third person.
3. He's engaged to an extremely attractive female. (Oh, and she looks smart, too.)
4. He dressed up as a lumberjack for Halloween.

Interesting. Oh, he also saw his first snow of his life last year, and posted a picture for posterity's sake. Enjoy the mis-matching shoes, and the child like look on his face.

I think I'm gonna like this blog...

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

First off, I thought it was spelled "Mergatroid", but who the fuck am I to argue with Wikipedia?

Secondly, who are you, and what have you done with my Nationals? You better return them unhurt, or so help me God! Actually, keep Flop. And Estrada, too. The brief rundown of yesterday:

15 runs; 17 hits; 2 2B; 2 HR; 13 RBI.

That's a new Nationals record for runs (you don't count, Canada), and season highs in hits and RBI. How did the guys do individually? Well, first let me just say that TEH GOOZ went hit less. He did manage to score a run, though, so he's still my boy. Wee Willy Harris had 5 RBI, Kearnsie scored 5 times, Jesus was 5 for 6 with 2 RBI, and Longerhands even got into the act (2 hits, 1 RBI).

If you're keeping score at home (Shut up. No you aren't. LIAR!), that's 29 runs in the last 3 games. For you math disabled, that's 9.666 runs/game. My God. I think the water from the Anacostia River has leaked into the clubhouse and mutated our boys into Superheroes. I just hope Luis will let me try on his cape. ::gasp!:: ::squeeeee!::

OK. Off day for the fellas today, and a three game set in San Francisco starts tomorrow. Guess who's back for this series, btw??


Yes sirree, he whose name cannot be mentioned will be manning 3rd again. MEAT becomes the latest casualty. I'm actually shocked it took 4 days for the latest injury to occur. That's gotta be a record for this year.

Battle in Crackmore. Ugh.

Our valiant warriors play their 11th game in a row tonight, when Shawn Hill takes on Gregg Garrett Olson. It's a 3 game set being held in the hell hole that is Baltimore. If you were thinking of going up there for the series, don't. Just watch the sweep on TV, and save yourself from getting:

1. Mugged while trying to park near Camden Yards
2. A bad case of H.I.V. from the homeless hooker by the train tracks that will assault you on your way to the field.
3. Stabbed by Ray Lewis, who sleeps in Ravens Stadium, because he spends all his money on crack, heroin, and energy drinks. (I said RED BULL, PUNK! What is this AMP shit you giving me? Boy, YOU DEAD! YOU DEAD, BOY! YOU DEAD!)
   
4. Bitten by a mosquito from the inner harbor, thereby contracting the deadly Baltimore strain of Malaria.
5. An awful headache from listening to all that Baltimorese that the Baltimorons speak.

Meat is with the team today, and is expected to DH. Shawn Hill needs some offense tonight to get his first decision of the season. He may just throw a no hitter. Maybe. No updates on the catching situation yet. I was kicking that topic around with one of my homeboys yesterday. Peep this: Nats cut Estrada, keep Flores as the starting catcher, and make LoDu the backup. Thoughts? I know, that leaves Wil the Thril in the cold, and $5 million on the bench, but Jesus is the future, maybe even the present.

Alright, rascals. Get outta here, and start drinking already! If you do head up to Baltimore, good luck, and god speed!

Hrmmm. Quite fitting.

So, despite my recent rantings about the ludicrous prices of Meat bobbleheads, I broke down and won bought one off eBay. I mean, who the hell was I kidding saying I could hold out? This is a Washington National's bobblehead, people!! And, it's MEAT! So, it arrived this morning, and imagine my dismay, and absolute terror, when I opened it up to find it looking like this.




It's a fucking epidemic, people!! Soon there will be 15 guys with arms falling off!! Why, God? Why must you smite us so?

p.s. That dude's feedback is gonna be in the crapper when I'm done rating him. Yeah!

p.p.s. I don't want to hear any comments about my snowman mug! Snowmen rock all year round, damnit!

The Battle of Houston begins

Down in Houston for a 3 game stand. 8:05 pm start, don't forget. Two Shawns go head to head tonight. Shawn Hill (maybe) vs. Shawn Chacon. I'm sure a certain Olney resident will agree with me when I say:

Put your hat on straight, damnitt! Fucking whipper snapper. And GET OFF MY LAWN!!

The bizarre thing is he's from Anchorage, Alaska. Weird. Anyway, the dude sucks, as evidenced by Pittsburgh wanting nothing more to do with him after he pitched there for 1 1/2 years. Nats easily have 23 hits, while scoring 16. It should be way more than the good Shawn (Hill) needs, and we cruise to another victory. VICTORY! As Lou Brown once said, "It's starting to come together, Pepper. It's starting to come together."

Other news.. Elijah Dukes is all better. Well, his hammy is. The front office has said he will be called up when his performance determines it. That's great. Except, it's pretty fucking hard to let your performance speak for you when you're too busy getting thrown out of games. Jesus, Elijah. Is it physically impossible for you to go a certain amount of games without being ejected? You know, for the amount of fucking weed this guy smokes, you'd think he could chill the fuck out a little.

Finally, if anyone would like to donate to this wonderful blogger's Nats paraphernalia, feel free to get me one of Meat's bobbleheads from last Thursday's game. I sure as shit want it, but I sure as shit ain't gonna pay over $20 for it, though. Some are going for over $40 on eBay. That's insane. I like Dmitri as much as the next guy, but I'll use that for my beer and hookers, thanks you very much.

Kearnsie poops on poopy Pirates

KEARNSIE! Much love to my beloved #25. Stroking home the winning run. I like that. Speaking of stroking, I gotta get this out of the way. Da Meat Hook has been on the DL with a bad back, and it was just a shitty situation. Nothing was getting better. There were two consultations with doctors (3 if you count Andrew's opinion), and even a call into the Mayo Clinic. Nothing was fixing this shit. That is...until a lady got her hands on Meat. Clipping from the WaPo notebook:

"Young worked with Nationals massage therapist Tatiana Tchamouroff, who focused on his penis hip flexor rather than his back.

"All of a sudden, he felt instant release," Bowden said. "She found the spot."'

You want happy ending now?

Anyway, Nats destroyed the Pirates last night. I didn't get to watch any of the game, only listened to the first inning on the radio cause I had a game to umpire last night. I heard the call on Wil the Thril's 2 run poke, and knew the ballgame was over. I have yet to look at the box score, but I assume the Nationals had 29 hits and the Pirates 1.

Nats have now won 4 straight, and 7 of their last 9. Their record is now 12-17 (.414). Pirates? NOT SO GOOD! How's .393 feel, losers? Other losers? A certain frequent visitor's Rangers. .379? Good god man! Time to have Josh Hammy dealing his stuff in the locker room, maybe.

Well, more goodness to come tonight. Pirates? Maybe wanna bring some skill tonight. Forecast?:

Opening Night

What did we learn?

• Kearnsie eats other right fielders for breakfast. Seriously. The man is an unstoppable defensive force. You could drop a bear from a helicopter into right field, and Kearns would catch it, kill it with his eye lasers, and throw it to 2nd in time to nail Jose Reyes. It's true. In fact..hang on..I'm updating Kearnsie's Wikipedia page. Not some faggy Koala Bear, either. We're talking a 300 lb fucking Grizzly.
  
• LoDuca has two noodle arms. He couldn't throw out a dick samich trying to still 2nd with his limp right arm, and he can't catch a Rauchie fastball with his limp left arm. Please, please, go back on the 'roids, Paul. I'm begging you. I'll even hook you up with a local 19 year old.
  
• Da Meat Hook is psychic. He predicted somone would win the game before Austin would get a chance to hit. The new Diabetes medicine they have him on must be some crazy shit.
• Finally, there's Zim. This guy eats lighting and shits thunder. Forget Chuck Norris, Zim would anally abuse Chuck. Hell, I heard that one time his mom was trying to beat him with a wooden spoon when he was 7. Zim turned to his mom, said, "What the fuck, Woman?", grabbed the wooden spoon, and hit her 400 feet on a rope.