Mediocrity comes to first base!

Well, the Nationals signed Adam LaRoche to man first base for them yesterday. The deal will pay Adam $7MM for 2010 and $8MM for 2011 with a mutual option (at $10MM) for a third year, but there is a Nats buyout of that third year for $1MM available.
When the news came out it was greeted by Nats Nation with a loud and boisterous response, one that was voiced exactly the same by my cat.



Everyone's complaint seems to be that Adam is just, well... average. Here's a clip from Boswell's column on the signing:

The Nats paid full price - at least. For a first baseman who has averaged 26 homers and 89 RBI the past five years - almost exactly the MLB average for the position - they gave a two-year deal for $15 million, plus a $1 million buyout on a third year at $10 million.

Well then! Ouchies! Yikes! But you know what (and someone on my twitter feed mentioned last night but can't find this morning)... That means we still got the 15th best first baseman in the major leagues. I know what LaRoche must be thinking, "What am I, chopped liver?" (Okay, big lie right there. He's actually thinking about all the sweet shit he's gonna get with his $16MM in guaranteed money. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's contemplating shit like a wet bar for his master bedroom bath.)

So, it could have been worse. There are about 15 teams out there, in fact, that have had/will have a worse first baseman than LaRoche. (And since statistics went 3,000 feet over my head, I know I'm probably confusing average with mean and median. To those of you scoffing at me for marginalizing the terms... my bad!)

For the record, I'm fine with the signing.

Now, let's move on to more salacious news. The Twitter feud between Collin Balester and Joel Hanrahan has heated up again. Remember last year when Joel called Collin a big fat nerdy-nerd? Well, this time it was Collin calling Joel names.

We get a tweet from Joel, who's spending his day on a golf course, and had some issues with his mode of transportation.



Ugh. The poor dude's golf cart broke down! Oh Noes!!1

Bally (obviously still steaming from last years tweet beat down) comes back strong with this, though.



Damn! He said Joel so fat, he gotta have a lifeguard for his cereal bowl!!! ! Zing! He said Joel so fat, he gotta put on his belt with a boomerang!!! Snap! He said Joel so fat, he has a much higher likelihood of dying from a heart related disease!!! Oh no he didn...

Wait. Wow. Well, Collin, that's just plan morbid. Way to ruin a string of good jokes, pal....

Collin Balester's moustache is back

If you're not following Collin Balester on Twitter, then you might not know about a cause he's pimping. You see, he's the captain of a team named "Bally's Staches" over at us.movember.com. What exactly is Movember? Well, they have a FAQ here, and best I can tell, it's a charity event aimed at raising money and awareness for cancers that men are faced with. Guys are growing moustaches for the month of November, which is whimsically renamed Movember. All funds raised go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LiveStrong. You can donate money directly to Collin, or the team. You can even join Collin's team and raise money yourself, all the while raising the total amount that Bally's Staches' raises.

Folks who read this blog know that I'm not a very serious guy. I write irreverent posts that poke fun at people and myself. I like to make crappy photoshops and stupid videos for the most part. But, here's one fact that blew my mind when I found it out. (Even more-so than when I found out Wil Nieves was still getting paid after Wilson Ramos was called up. Call the cops, it's a robbery! ) If a man lives long enough, he will develop prostate cancer. Autopsy studies have shown that 30% of men in their 50s had prostate cancer, and 80% of men in their 70s had it. So, kudos to Collin for bringing attention to it.

Now that the serious shit is over, I can get to the entire reason for writing this post. (Well, besides the whole cancer bit.) I present to you an awesome gif that I found randomly on the interwebs that I have mangled with my inferior graphic skills. It's entitled "Moustaches Make a Difference."

(For the record, my pictures would show me without a moustache and the label "Generic White Guy", while my with moustache label would be something like "Generic Creepy White guy." (Think David Spade.) I can grow some lip fuzz, but it's pretty thin and very light. That's why, if I need to sport one, I just do the old finger moustache. You look super cool, and build your arm muscles up since you have to hold that position for hours (even days!) on end.)

Oh, if you'd like to see the pictures in the animated gif one by one, you can see them here. You can actually break down any gif that way, if you'd like. (Free tips, folks! GOD DAMN, I'M GENEROUS AND AWESOME!)

Collin Balester signs a contract with Hasbro

Last night Collin drilled Mark Reynolds in the head with a mid 90s fastball. (You can watch the clip here, if you like. Go ahead. He was fine.) He did the same thing to Rickie Weeks of the Brewers back on the 25th of last month, too. (Only MLB doesn't have that available for viewing. I'm not the one slacking this time.)
So, that's 2 hit batsmen in 4.2 IP for Collin. How does this compare with his past? Well, let me fond out for you. I only went back to 2007, though, because I'm short on time lazy as shit:

2007 - Minor Leagues: 1 hit batsman every 18.75 IP
2008 - AAA 1 every 19.55 IP. Majors - 1 every 13.333
2009 - AAA 1 every 17.85 IP. Majors - None hit in 30.1 IP (way to go, Colin!)
2010 - AAA 1 every 17.333 IP. Majors - 1 every 2.1 IP

Now, what does this mean (besides the fact that me do good math)? Well, it means that... na, I'm just fucking with ya. I have absolutely no idea what it means. Except that he's never been as bad hitting guys as Carlos Marmol was last year. (MLB leading 1 HBP for every 6.166 IP. Jesus.)

So, that leaves us with two burning questions:

1. Why the sudden wildness?
2. Why the sudden penchant for nailing dudes in the noggin?
   

Now, I don't have the foggiest idea about number 1. Maybe he thinks he has to pitch inside more as a reliever. Maybe his fingers shrank in some bizarre accident, leaving him with less control. Ask Steve McCatty. But, the answer to number 2? Easy. I found out he signed a contract with Hasbro (c) to be in a line of action figures. They're due to hit the shelves in September, but I managed to get some spy shots with my connections.





Really, Bally? You're posing for a line of comic book toys? I mean, how on earth is that gonna get you any chicks? What's that? Some chicks dig comics?

Well played, Balester. Well played indeed.

Joel Hanrahan calls Collin Balester a big fat nerd!

Well, almost... I made up the "big" and "fat" part.

I wrote last week about Collin Balester joining Twitter, and after laying dormant for a few months, Joel Hanrahan finally started throwing out some tweets. He had this to say while watching the Bears game on Thanksgiving:

The 09 bears might as well be the 08 Lions! Uncle!!!

Bally saw the Tweet, and came back with:

@hanrahan4457 wow you fianlly tweet.

Joel, obviously getting tired of Collin's incessant Twittering came back with:

@ballystar40 yeah, i dont think everyone needs to know everything i do, and my scorecard on the golfcourse, cause it would dominate yours

Which, may or may not be true. Yes... Collin tends to ramble and post anything and everything, but some people like that. And some people might enjoy Joel doing the same thing. (I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but Joel was my favorite National when he was with the team. We would say hi to one another during games, and he was always very nice to me and my wife at team events. He would recognize us and say hey, with some small talk. Good guy. Solid guy. This didn't stop him from allowing me to wager $20 on Teddy winning a race during a game in which I'd clearly had too many, however. ('Cause anyone betting on Teddy had to be shit hammered.) The good news? The next time I saw him he said I could keep my $20. So nice of him, since he makes 754% more than I.) Anyway, Balester points out that Joel has, in fact, been reading Collin's tweets:

@hanrahan4457 well I see you follow me pretty close haha

Then Hammerhands LAYS DOWN THE HAMMER:

@ballystar40 yeah you take up the whole home page with all your tweets, nerd

BOO-YA! That's how fucking closers close, goddammit!! Told him! And his Mama! Joel basically said, "Get your dirty ass 'stache and your dirty ass pocket protector back to Geometry class, bitch!"

To which Collin could only respond with this:





Oh, and Johnny Lannan has made his presence known on Twitter as well, joining today. Follow the man, the myth, the legend... The Utley breaker himself... Eyebrows!!

Collin Balester joins the Tweeple.

Well, we all remember Collin had his blog that ran for a little while, right? (Right??) Well, Bally has jumped feet first into the land of Twitter. You can follow him and his tweets here. So far it's been a nice Twitter feed. We've heard about him shattering windows off the tee box and how he dominates in kickball. The best thing so far, though?

Behold... the power of lip hair.


You're rocking the shit out that stash, Bally. Thanks for trying to fill Nick Johnson's shoes.

Collin Balester's name gets demolished and more...

Sorry for taking the past couple days off. Work's been kinda rough during the day, and the new laptop I have at home has a keyboard that drives me up the Goddamn wall. The keyboard has black buttons with the letters being only kinda white, so they're hard to see. Plus, the force you have to use to push the keys is out of control. If I pretended a baby's head was my keyboard, the baby's head would cave in with the force my fingers have to use to try and get the key strokes to register. It really is a debacle of epic proportions.

Speaking of debacles of epic proportions... I was watching SportsCenter this morning before heading off to work when I stumbled upon Neil Everett doing the Nats highlights low lights. Now, I've heard Collin Balester mention how people have messed up the pronunciation of his name, but the only way I know of that they've fucked it up is by saying it in two syllables, like Bale-ster. Now, I get it... it's the Nationals and all, but dude's made 20 Major League starts. Shouldn't a SportsCenter anchor be able to pronounce... I dunno... names of the people they cover? Jesus, Neil. You even write most of your own highlights! You knew you were gonna have to say Collin's name, yet you still fucked it up. Royally.

Neil Everett has problems with names from Section 138 on Vimeo.

So sorry, Collin. Maybe after you win some Cy Youngs and World Series rings, Neil Everett will pronounce your name right. But chances are... he'll still get it wrong.

The official Tyler Clippard nickname poll closed the other day with the final count being:

• Goggles 25 votes (53%)
• Clippard the Big Red Dog 18 votes (41%)

Tyler "Goggles" Clippard it is, folks. Thanks for taking the three seconds to click a little button. To be honest, 43 votes is about 40 more than I expected to get. (Although Carl did do some lobbying on his own behalf. Which is totally cool, btw. There's only rules when you're playing board games with youngsters, I say. Anything outside of that, feel free to cheat your ass off.)

Not sure what the next poll will be, but I'll try and think of something. (Well, I'm lying. I have an idea, but I'm not sure that the topic is something that certain people would want out in public. The thing I'm talking about could cause some serious shit to rain down. I mean, bloodshed in the streets, cars flipped over and burning, windows shattering kinda shit. Here's one hint, however... It concerns a certain relief pitcher who has the baddest ass uniform boogaloo going on this side of... the damn Universe. So, I may bounce that off someones head, but... again... I'm not sure they want rioting and maiming on their conscience.)

And finally, dudes and dudettes, I leave you with Nationals fans pointing their fingers and laughing at Kansas City and Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh may be famous for its Iron City beer, and Kansas City may be famous for its... shit... what the hell is Kansas City famous for*? Anyway, they can now be famous for having Washington Nationals fans laugh their asses off at them.


It took up until 8/14/09, but we can now say that we are better than other teams in the newest SI power poll. Hey, KC and Pittsburgh... might as well burn down your cities and start from scratch. You poor bastards.


*Full disclosure - I spent the greater portion of my childhood growing up in Nebraska, so I love, love, love the Midwest. That said, there ain't shit that the region is famous for. Well, besides tornadoes and wheat. Which ain't no Iron City beer, dammit.

Shairon Martis is the new Zimmermann

ROY? Yup. Cy Young award? Check. HOF? You bet. Canonization? A real possibility.

At the current rate NN Martis is going, he'll not only make the rotation, but he'll steal the hearts of all the ladies in the world. I showed my neighbor (a huge Nats fan) his line from yesterday this spring:



I had to catch her moments after I took this picture of her.


In all seriousness, Shairon, who I introduced you to last fall, seems to have the inside shot at the 4th starting slot. There is talk among some that the Nats could keep NN down in AA or AAA until June 1st, which would put off arbitration and free agency by one year. They could easily skate by with a four man rotation through the first few weeks of the season, and maybe throw Bergie or (insert someone elses name here) in the five spot until June. Collin seems to not be one of those names, however, as he's all but pitched himself out of the rotation at this point. I love, love, love the kid, but he isn't locating his fastball well enough, and his pitch count is way too high.

But...who really knows? That's what the next two weeks are for, dammit. Now if you excuse me, I've got to go change the name on the back of my generic Nats bobblehead. And make his complexion a bit darker.

The 2009 Season Tickets have arrived

The UPS guy came today (The Nats don't half ass anything. Ain't no USPS shit here. No sir...first class all the way, baby. First class.) and brought me my two season ticket books. It's always a joyous occasion, as I run around shrieking in my house like Chase Utley after he saw Lastings Milledge. Only my shrieks are shrieks of joy, and his are of terror.
It's the same book as last year, except there are pictures on each ticket, instead of a drawing. Like this ticket here, with Mr. Bally Star fist-bumping some lil dude on the mound at Nationals park. (Breaks out 1932 Kodak pocket camera....)


Or, there's this......thing. I'm actually not sure what the hell it is. (Again, breaks out the trusty old pocket cam that has no focus on it)


But the highlight of the book was the ticket for opening day. You know how when people win the lottery, they get one of them big ass cardboard checks? Well, the Nats like that idea, and decided to do it to a ticket. I'm gonna have trouble getting into the park for opening day, because the ticket is BIGGER THAN DMITRI YOUNG. I ain't even bullshittin ya.



That's right folks...have fun going to opening day with your giant plastic ticket. Thanks, Nats front office, for making it impossible for me to conveniently store my ticket anywhere. Seriously...thanks for the foot long ticket. You're doing a great service to thieves everywhere by making the ticket a humongous giant fucking grabbable card. Kudos.

Jordan Zimmermann has second stellar outing in a row

Jordan M. Zimermann. The amount of n's are important. Two of them, to be exact. I've never been accused of being a rational person, so I'm not about to start now. Ladies and Gentlemen. I'd like to present to you the 2009 ROY and Cy Young award winner, Mr. Jordan Zimermannnnnnnnnnnn!

Peep these two spring training outings. (What? Spring training stats aren't important? Fuck the fuck off, man. Go harsh someone else's buzz.... God Damn Negative Nancy.)

February 26th, 2009 vs. Detroit Tigers.



March 4th, 2009 vs. New York Mets.


Want some of my Flavor Aid now (I hear the grape is delicious)?

Here's what we do know after two outings for Zimnn (Christ, that nickname sucks. We'll end this post with some nicknames to choose from): The kid hasn't faced over the minimum amount of batters. So, no hits have been allowed, and no walks have been allowed. (Take note, Ross Detwiler...Mr. give up 4 walks and a hit without ever getting a single friggin batter out. Gah!) Now, how do the outs he recorded break down? Well, he faced 15 batters, struck out 6, got 8 to ground out and 1 fly ball out. 1. One. Uno. For a park that projects to be the 13th best hitters park in baseball - Or, the 18th best pitchers park in baseball, however you like to look at it - that low amount of flyballs means he's only gonna give up......like......2 homeruns. In his career! Jesus. He wouldn't give up a run ever if he was at Petco.

For the record, I hope he doesn't bump Bally out of a spot. I'd really like Shawn Hill to be sent to the bullpen so that his "arm" doesn't get overworked. (Only 28 starts in 2 years, Shawn? Let's prove your "arm" is, I dunno, an actual arm before we take up a spot for you, and deal a young kid a crushing blow by sending them to Syracuse.)

Oh, just to remind you half-empty dudes of something....The pick that was used to draft Zimnn? Compensation for Soriano, bitches. Ya'll cried like babies back in '06 when he wasn't traded.

So there you have it, folks. Proof positive that Jordan will be the most Dominant. Pitcher. Ever.

Now, let's get him a good nickname, shall we? I'll throw out a couple to start...

• Jordan "Don't call him Ryan" Zimmermann
  
• Jordan "J-Z" (or...is that Jay-Z?) Zimmermann
  
• Jordan"He's not Ryan" Zimmermann
  
• Jordan "Double N" (will be spelt NN) Zimmermann
  
• Jordan "If you call him Ryan again he'll punch you" Zimmermann
• Jordan "Jo-Jo" Zimmermann
• Jordan "Punchy" Zimmermann

Did you see what I did there? His last one is "Punchy" cause he punched somebod..... ah fuck it. For now, he's called "Rice Cake" because he kinda has a bland personality, as witnessed in the Dan Steinberg interview below. I hope to God The Big Donkey can rub off on him. With his personality, people. (Geez. You immature folks disappoint me make me smile.)

The 'stache of God.

In continuing the two themes of this off season (no real news, just rumeration, and Collin providing the only entertainment), I continue to offer no real content of my own. Instead, another picture off of Collin's blog, this time showing Nick Johnson, Aaron Boone, and the mustache that could rule the world.

If you're viewing this with a female, please provide aid, as she is sure to have passed out after viewing the almighty nose hair.

Collin has sand in his shorts.

Our favorite left coast righty has a new post up. Here he is buried in the sand. Fun!


There's another picture on that post that disturbs me even more, though. Isn't his girlfriend getting a little...friendly with her brother?


Collin wants folks to ask him some questions, so head on over and ask the lumberjack anything that is on your mind. Just don't bring up his 8 Ks in 15 ABs, or his gum habit. He defends both fiercely.

The Meat is bad, and Balester blogs!

Meat got removed form the 40 man roster, and was outrighted to the new AAA location - Syracuse, NY. He could have said no, and opted for free agency, but he's smarter than he looks. See, the Nats are still on the hook for his $5MM salary next year. So, Meat decided "Hell. Pay me my money while I go to Coney Island on my off days and eats me some Nathans hot dogs!" Little does he know, Coney Island is 4 1/2 hours from Syracuse.
In all seriousness, I'm a huge Meat fan, and love his stick when he's healthy. (Don't get me started on his defense, however. I was flabbergasted that any NL team would give that much money to a guy who will NEVER be playing the 9th inning of a tied or close game. Sometimes he wouldn't play the 8th, even. Mind boggling!) Here's hoping he can get his diabetes under check, and be back to playing shape. Me thinks this might have to do more with needing roster space than throwing Dmitri to the curb.
In other news, Collin Balester has a blog. He only has four posts up, but already we've found out quite a few things:

1. His nickname is Bally.
2. He likes to talk in the third person.
3. He's engaged to an extremely attractive female. (Oh, and she looks smart, too.)
4. He dressed up as a lumberjack for Halloween.

Interesting. Oh, he also saw his first snow of his life last year, and posted a picture for posterity's sake. Enjoy the mis-matching shoes, and the child like look on his face.

I think I'm gonna like this blog...

What to say?

Ya know? It's the half way point, so I should probably do a mid-point retrospective, right? But...I can't. I can't allow myself to overlook last night's performance by Balester coupled with another BELLY! dinger.
(Full disclosure: I umpired last night, so I didn't see the game live. I heard Charlie's wrap up on the way back so I knew the outcome. Did this make me view the game differently when I watched it this morning? I'm not sure.)
Out of all three kids that have gotten Nats debuts as a starter this year, Collin is head and shoulders above Clippard and Mock (IMO). His control was absolutely, positively, emphatically, undoubtedly phenomenal. PHE-FUCKIN-NOMENAL. His is, indeed, a super sensational diaper dandy. He didn't throw his change too often, and he doesn't have a devastating curve ball, but with the way he locates his fastball he doesn't need to. It has late movement, and just paints the corners. True, his pitch count was up there (95 in 5 innings), and he went to long counts on quite a few batters (damn close to a 60/40 ratio of strikes to balls) but the laid back kid from Huntington Beach didn't seem to panic. He would just locate another fastball right were he needed too, and either jammed the guy for a pop up, or went down and away for a ground ball. Bottom line? Color me impressed.
Now, to be realistic... the kid's gonna have a few bad games. Maybe more than a few. Scouts will see him more, and more and there will be a gameplan for him. He might be off some nights and lose his location. That could get him in a lil' bit o' hot water if he doesn't have a sharp curve or the change-up to fall back on, but I think he'll stick in the rotation the rest of the year (seriously).

Instead of looking back (where, let's face it, I would just be saying "Guzman" and "Lannan/Redding") let's say fuck it to the '08 season, and look at what we have set in stone for the Nationals of '09 and beyond, shall we?

SP: John Lannan (23), Collin Balester (turned 22 last month), Mock/Clippard (24/23). (Detweiler? (22))
C: Jesus Flores (23)
1B: Unknown. (Marrero, the #1 prospect in the orginization, is only 19. Not sure we'll see him that soon.)
2B: Unknown
SS: Goozie, once he signs the two year extension.
3B: Zim (Still just 23!)
LF: Unknown
CF: Milledge (23)
RF: Dukes (24)

I left out the bullpen, cause that's always a crap shoot, and the young guys are hard to project. (I'm lying, I'm too fucking lazy and I like all the guys so I didn't wanna play favorites since, you know, they read this blog and all.) That leaves us with an average age of 24/25 in 2009/10. It's gonna be good, folks. I suggest you put a deposit down for season tickets now.

Awesome dude of the day to Balester (of course), but with a slight tip of my braided hair to Belly (Grand Salamai), and my goatee to mi hermano (striking out Hermida with a SICK slider in the bottom of the 8th with the tying run on 2nd). Enjoy, Collin.

(Did I write enough? Jesus, I thought Tolstoy was a long read. He ain't got shit on me, that dead pacifist bastard)