Washington Nationals do not lose.

Soooo much to write about. Soooo little time.

I'm trying to knock this post out before my boss sends me another email. We'll see how that goes.

My views from last night's not loss:

• I crushed a six-pack of Reese's peanut butter eggs in two innings. Them fuckers be delicious.
• Adam Dunn is so reliable, watches ask him for the time. (Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all the week. Tip your waitresses.)
  
• Shy Young could seriously do some damage if his three pitches can all be thrown for strikes. He can't bunt for shit, however.
• Zippie chance DOOKS! was taking on that 3-0 pitch. Before Dibble (Who I actually like!) and Carpy (Who I still hate!) had their green light conversation, I beat them to it. I'm in my living room, and I jump up and scream as loud as I can, in my best Bill Alfonso voice, "Green Light Daddy-O!" The man beast swung, and that shit was crushed.
• I think I'm gonna like Joe Beimel. Sure, he might look...um...different (is caveman-like too harsh to say?), but he just made the Phillies look silly in the 8th. The set-up job is his.
• If we just get some consistent pitching, we could be okay. Right now, we rank 5th in the NL with an average of 5.25 runs scored/game. We're dead last in runs allowed per game, however with 7. I'm telling you, this offense can score more times than Mickey Rooney had wives. (He was married 8 times. Seriously. Mickey fucking Rooney. This little guy.)

I know I promised an update last night, but I was so damn excited that I ran to downtown Rockville to celebrate with the other three fans. We were hooting and hollering, and then it turned into a riot donnybrook pathetic display.
We got all boisterous and flipped over a cop car motorcycle moped. Then we stared lighting huge bonfires sparklers. Fucking good times. I didn't make it home until 10:15, so I was dog tired.

Uh-oh, just got an email from the dictator. I'll talk to you deliriously happy folks later.

Shairon vs. Derek Lowe Tonight.

Which means I get to use the "wife beaters" tag again. Yay! I can also create the "home-wrecker" tag. Sweet.

My main man Shairon Martis, the Curacaoan Killer (Wait, does that sound like he kills people from Curacao? I mean the opposite. He kills people not from Curacao.) is going up against Derek Lowe. A man who is famous for being such a shitty starting pitcher that he was moved to the bullpen not once, but six times. Hell, he actually got punted from the bullpen in favor of Ugi Urbina, who is now serving 14 years in prison for trying to kill a couple dudes. (See what I did there? I equated Lowe to being worse than an attempted murderer. Did it work?)

Also of note for Mr. Lowe? He was arrested for beating on his woman in 1994. I read the transcript of him talking to the cops*, and not only did he admit to beating on her, he used the oldest, lamest excuse in the book. "But officer, dude, she just don't fucking listen!"

Anywhoo, Derek matured a bit, got married, had kids, and then got a chick fired from her job and divorced by her husband cause he played hide the pickle. See, she was a reporter covering the Dodgers, and he was a married dude with two (or three, I'm not known for my fact checking) kids. He thought she looked "neat-o" and was "super hot". They did the deed. FOX fired the reporter, and the reporter's husband filed for divorce. But...this was true love, see, so Derek promised he'd leave his wife for her, just like in all those Lifetime movies. The main difference from them and a Lifetime movie, though? He actually did it. Derek and the reporter (Carolyn Hughes) got married last year. Yay! Everyone wish them well, cause they sure as fuck are gonna need it.

I ran into Derek and his lovely bride** at the ballpark sometime back. I even took this picture, as some groupies were professing their love to D Lowe.



So, in case you needed any more incentive to root for our boy Shy Young, just remember that Derek Lowe did all the above, and kills kittens, too.


* Is a complete lie, but I'm positive that's what's in the transcript.
** I have no clue whether this is wife number one or wife number two. Does it even matter though?

Shairon Martis is the new Zimmermann

ROY? Yup. Cy Young award? Check. HOF? You bet. Canonization? A real possibility.

At the current rate NN Martis is going, he'll not only make the rotation, but he'll steal the hearts of all the ladies in the world. I showed my neighbor (a huge Nats fan) his line from yesterday this spring:



I had to catch her moments after I took this picture of her.


In all seriousness, Shairon, who I introduced you to last fall, seems to have the inside shot at the 4th starting slot. There is talk among some that the Nats could keep NN down in AA or AAA until June 1st, which would put off arbitration and free agency by one year. They could easily skate by with a four man rotation through the first few weeks of the season, and maybe throw Bergie or (insert someone elses name here) in the five spot until June. Collin seems to not be one of those names, however, as he's all but pitched himself out of the rotation at this point. I love, love, love the kid, but he isn't locating his fastball well enough, and his pitch count is way too high.

But...who really knows? That's what the next two weeks are for, dammit. Now if you excuse me, I've got to go change the name on the back of my generic Nats bobblehead. And make his complexion a bit darker.

Nats beat Mario and Luigi.

So, the Nats won their exhibition today with the Italian WBC team. Before you get too exited, I did some research half-assed web searching and it appears only around five of their guys have decent Major League experience. Also, the Nats bullpen blew a 6-0 lead. But, there were a couple good things. Eyebrows went 3 IP giving up 0 runs, 1 hit and 1 BB. After him, Martis threw 3 IP with 0 runs, 2 hit, 1 BB, and 2 K. The boxscore also tells me Zimm and DOOKS! had a triple each, with Milledge, Wil the Thril, Javier Valentin and Alex Cintron also joining in the extra base hit parade. DOOKS! hit a solo homerun, but his boy, and student, Roger Bernadina had the biggest hit of the game with a 3 run walk-off homer in the bottom of the 9th. Elijah has apparently taken Roger under his wing, and gifted him the power that can only come from a human that sweats as much as Dukes.

After practice, both Dukes and Bernadina went into the locker room with Dukes giving Bernadina tips. The session lasted about 10 minutes. There was Dukes holding the bat and demonstrating how to hold the bat from both sides of the plate. Dukes also was telling Bernadina how to get more power to his swing.

Good job, fellas. Go buy yourselves an ice cream cone on me. Na, screw it, upgrade to a twisty cone.

So, you see, it was a pretty good day for the Nats today. All is well............SHIT. Are you kidding me? Seriously? GOD! DAMMIT!



It appears Nick Johnson was hit by a pitch. Who had March 3rd as Slick's last game played for the season? You can pick up your prize at coat check.

SIGH

Nats win series, Utley upended.

Nationals win, big time. This offense is rock solid, top to bottom, and so much damn fun to watch. Some HUGE hits last night in the pivotal 8th inning. Casto and Bernadina with singles to start, and then Belliard with a pinch hit single to score Orr (who pinch ran for Casto). Boni walks to make it bases loaded. At that point, I was debating with myself who I would want walking up to the plate if I could choose anyone. I had it down to Guzman and Zim. As luck would have it, it was Goozie's turn in the lineup. He cranked a bases clearing double (with Boni right on the heels of Belliard as they approached home plate) to bust the game open. See you later, Philthies. Have fun missing the playoffs and beating your wives!

The underlying storyline from the previous night didn't die, though. With Chase Utley up for his first plate appearance, Rental plunked him square in the hip with a 90 mph heater. It appears Perez was using vigilante justice, as all signs from the Nationals management pointed towards the Utley/Flores play as being clean. Much love to Rental from this guy!

It didn't end there, though. In the bottom of the fifth, the Nats had the bases loaded with Milledge up. He grounded into a fielders choice, to make it runners at first and third, one out. DOOKS! was at the plate, and grounded to the third baseman. Seemed like a tailor-made inning and rally ending double play. Except Milledge was running from first. And Utley was the pivot man. What happened next made me scream, "Fuck, yeah!" at the TV in the bar. "I wanna have your children, Mills" may have came next. Some screen caps here to show Lastings burying his shins into Utley to break up the double play, and allow a run to score.


My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear. If you want to watch the recap, click here and skip to the 1:18 mark for the takeout. Be sure to watch Zim's 2nd homerun in three days at the 1:44 mark. He is just RAKING the ball, and is loving dead center. I mean, he's KILLING balls.

The boys are in Atlanta tonight to start a 4 game series there. Pitching note: Balester has a sore left bum, so he'll miss his next start, scheduled for Friday. Bergmann, who was due to throw tonight, will instead throw Friday. That means a spot start for a gentleman I wrote about earlier in the year. Mr. Shairon Martis will get his first ever MLB start tonight. Also, in case you guys want to pronounce his name right, it's Shy-ron Mar-tis. Go get him, junior.

Know him, love him, hug him naked.

Ladies and Genitalmen, allow me to introduce to you the cute kid from Curacao. The kid with killer cutters. The Netherlandian Nightmare himself, SHAIRON MARTIS!


The kid has been rolling through the Nats system ever since we hoodwinked the SF Giants into trading him to us for Mike Stanton.
(Pause for laughter)
I'll save you from having to read all his stats by posting this link to his baseball-reference.com page. I will, however, post some highlights.

He was born March 30, 1987 in Curacao, the very same Netherlands governed island that Andruw Jones and our own Roger Bernadina are from. That makes him a Dutch citizen, and 21 years old. He started last year in Potomac (high A ball) and posted a record of 14-8 with a 1.34 WHIP. He got the bump to AA Harrisburg this year, and after going 4-4 with a 3.98 ERA and 1.35 WHIP was promoted to AAA Columbus. Last night, he went 5 2/3 IP allowing 1 run on 5 hits to get the win. Oh, dude also struck out twelve motherfuckers. 12! Awww, yeah! Anyway, hopefully we'll see him get a cup of coffee come September, cause he's looking good to me.
Bonus Points: Did I mention that he threw a no-hitter in the World Baseball Classic in 2006? I didn't? Shame on me, 'cause he did!
Mr. Martis was selected to the All-Star Futures game in Yankee Stadium this year, and threw a perfect 9th inning against the US team to get the save.
Shairon also has his own web page, with his name as the domain name. How fucking cool is that? Visit www.shaironmartis.com for all kinds of goodness (well, not really) about the Curacao Killer. Warning about the site, however.... Who ever runs it has the record for most fucking pop up ads in the history of web pages. Expect you're pop-up blocker to fight a valiant fight, but some will eventually get through.