Shairon vs. Derek Lowe Tonight.

Which means I get to use the "wife beaters" tag again. Yay! I can also create the "home-wrecker" tag. Sweet.

My main man Shairon Martis, the Curacaoan Killer (Wait, does that sound like he kills people from Curacao? I mean the opposite. He kills people not from Curacao.) is going up against Derek Lowe. A man who is famous for being such a shitty starting pitcher that he was moved to the bullpen not once, but six times. Hell, he actually got punted from the bullpen in favor of Ugi Urbina, who is now serving 14 years in prison for trying to kill a couple dudes. (See what I did there? I equated Lowe to being worse than an attempted murderer. Did it work?)

Also of note for Mr. Lowe? He was arrested for beating on his woman in 1994. I read the transcript of him talking to the cops*, and not only did he admit to beating on her, he used the oldest, lamest excuse in the book. "But officer, dude, she just don't fucking listen!"

Anywhoo, Derek matured a bit, got married, had kids, and then got a chick fired from her job and divorced by her husband cause he played hide the pickle. See, she was a reporter covering the Dodgers, and he was a married dude with two (or three, I'm not known for my fact checking) kids. He thought she looked "neat-o" and was "super hot". They did the deed. FOX fired the reporter, and the reporter's husband filed for divorce. But...this was true love, see, so Derek promised he'd leave his wife for her, just like in all those Lifetime movies. The main difference from them and a Lifetime movie, though? He actually did it. Derek and the reporter (Carolyn Hughes) got married last year. Yay! Everyone wish them well, cause they sure as fuck are gonna need it.

I ran into Derek and his lovely bride** at the ballpark sometime back. I even took this picture, as some groupies were professing their love to D Lowe.



So, in case you needed any more incentive to root for our boy Shy Young, just remember that Derek Lowe did all the above, and kills kittens, too.


* Is a complete lie, but I'm positive that's what's in the transcript.
** I have no clue whether this is wife number one or wife number two. Does it even matter though?

The Philthies come to town.

Look out, DC. Philadelphia is coming for a three game stand, and they're bringing all their trash with them. Tonight, we welcome this idiot:


When Brett Myers isn't busy sucking at baseball (2008 stats: 5.91 ERA; 66 hits in 53.3 IP; 4 mascots kicked in the groin; 15 HR's given up) he enjoys threatening to punch sports writers, and calling them retarded. A quick quote from that interaction:

BM: “Yeah, cause you’re a retard, you don’t know shit about fuckin’ baseball. You’re filling in for somebody.”
Interviewer: “How do you spell ‘retard’?”
BM: “You know how to spell it, it’s in your fuckin’ vocabulary, I’m sure you know.”
Interviewer: “You are classy, I’ll tell ya.”
BM: “Go on. [Get] outta here, you fuckin’ idiot.”
Interviewer: [pointing at Brett Myers] “You’re the fuckin’ idiot.”
BM: “Hey! You pointin’ at me motherfucker?! I’ll tell you what, dude, I’ll knock you mutherfucking out! FUCK YOU!!! You’re tough when fuckin’ people are standing in front of you, aren’t you, you piece of shit! Come on! You fucking idiot. Yeah, you’re tough when fuckin’ people are standing in front of you, you stupid ass.”

Believe it or not, since he didn't actually hit the reporter, it was a positive step forward for Brett. In the past, he would've just punched the person in the face. Just ask his wife. She got the business end of his pitching fist back in 2006. Ah, but we all knew the Myers' marriage would end up that way, right? I remember the speech he gave back on his wedding day...

I first met my wife back in 2004 at bar called Punchies. I'll never forget it, cause even though she was smoking hot, I could see she was a little bit of a wild one, too. I saw her from behind from far across the bar. I walked up behind her, and asked her if she would like a drink. So, she turned around and I saw she had a black eye...a shiner! So right away I think, "Oh, Brett..I dunno about this one, she obviously doesn't listen." But we've been together since, and I only had to clock the bitch once.

That was one of the most surreal moments of my life, for sure. Going up against the spouse beater is Capt. Redd. No word yet on the status of Austin Kearns. He was a late scratch yesterday due to some elbow pain. (Although, me thinks it was a case of can't hit or field shit.) We'll see if Manny gives him another game or two on the bench.