Thursday, April 25, 2013

Happy Birthday, Danny Espinosa. (AKA, anything but game discussion.)

(Look, let's just skip past the last few games, okay? In honor Daniel Richard Espinosa turning 26-years-old today, we'll take about off the field stuff. Cool? Cool.)

After decades years months days of work, I have finally completed my Danny Espinosa bobble head collection. All four bobble have been acquired. Phew.
What? You say there's only one Espi bobble? Ha! Not so, my friend, but only us hardcore insanely idiotic Nats fans know about the complete set. So, please... sit back with your favorite drink (may I suggest a red slooshie from Curly W Pretzels?), your favorite book (may I not suggest the Bob Carpenter Official Score Book?), and your favorite baseball voodoo doll (may I suggest Pete Kozma? I'll still have my Chase Utley) while you peruse my Official Danny Espinosa 2011 - 2013 Bobble Head collection.

Here's the only one that was given away at the stadium - 9-10-2011. This edition (or "Standard SGA" as us Espi-Bobble-connoisseurs call it) shows Danny after a shave right before going out to do warm ups for the game:

This edition is dubbed the "Normal Espi," and shows him as he appears at game time, having last shaved 5 hours previously:

This one here? This is called "Slump Buster Espi," and shows what he looks like for a game immediately following an 0-4 game the night before:

And, finally, the latest (and rarest) bobble. The Holy Grail of Espi bobbles. It's official title is "Off-Season Espi," but it has other nicknames among us collectors, including "Homeless Espi," "Hunting Espi," "Jayson Werth Espi," "Navy Seal While Deployed Espi," "Uni-Bomber Espi," and "This is Actually Just Five Days Without a Shave Espi." Behold in all its splendor, glory, and... hairiness:

 I also considered "ZZ Top Espi," "The Guys From That Duck Dynasty Show Espi," and "Sasquatch Espi" but  using Sasquatch in association with any other baseball player besides Kevin Youkilis* would be slander. Or libel. I forget which. But seriously, can you imagine that guy's back hair? It's gotta be thicker than Wrigley Field's wall ivy. If balls get lost in that ivy, balls and the attached player throwing that ball get lost in Youkilis' back hair. He's so hairy. (How hairy is he?) He's so hairy, the Yankees had to purchase a DR Field and Brush Mower for the clubhouse. (Zing!)

*It was either Youkilis or Brian Wilson that I poke fun at for hairiness. Kevin got the nod since he decided to charge the mound and throw his helmet at Rick Porcello a few years back. That's total bush-league. That more bush-league than bush-league. That's so bush-league, that bush-league should now be called Youkilis-league, but that doesn't really roll of the tongue. That, and one mention of Brian Wilson is one mention too many. Crap, now that's two mentions. /Goes off to cry in the corner while being made to watch highlights of the 2008 Phillies World Series parade as punishment. /Bashes self to death with Off-Season Espi bobble while screaming, "Oh, God. THE HORROR."

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Another Anthony Rendon Post?

Yup, another Anthony Rendon post.

Allow me to set the scene...

Bottom of the 4th inning. Werth singles. Desi drives him in all the way from first on a double, because Jayson is fast! finally started taking his wallet out of his pants when playing. (Fact: Hundred dollar bills weigh more than one dollar bills. ALL the rich people know this. And they've told me.) Up comes TONE DŌN, who then proceeds to work a 57 pitch at bat. He finally gets the one he likes, and SKADOOSH, drives Desi in with a scorcher of a double. Now, if you will join me, please put on your welding helmets, or poke a hole in a piece of paper and slap it onto the end of a paper towel roll, cause this .gif is like... hotter than the sun. I present to you, the rendOWNAGE.

Damn, Sheldon Williams Sheldon Miller Shelby Miller, you got Anthony RendOWNED.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Matt. Suzuki.

Presented without comment.

Also presented without comment is a link to an internet-page-thingie that let's you know if Papa Johns pizza is half off or not. It was created by Ben Packard. Click if you are thinking about ordering Papa Johns, but only if it's 50% off because of the local sports teams here in the DC area. http://www.ispizzahalfprice.com.
Crap, I just commented about it, didn't I?
I suck at this no-comment thing. Unlike Bobby Carpenter, who (as seen above) sucks at this do-comment thing. (Zing! I've got jokes, folks.)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

The bats were well rested after that 3 day layoff, eh?

Well, taking Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off turned out to be very beneficial to the bats last night. After Davey substituted little-leaguers-in-adult-sized-clones-of-the-real-guys for the real guys the last three games, the boys were well rested and ready to swing like they know they can - LARGELY and LOUDLY. (Can you swing largely? Survey says: YES. And so it is written.)

While watching the game, I received this text from a friend:

"Desmond is good."

Since this may just be the understatement of the day month year length of time the universe has existed,  I wrote him back:


Obnoxious? Yeah, all caps is pretty obnoxious, but he's an O's fan first, so screw him and his feelings. Remember, folks, caps lock can be used. Just make sure it's used for good. Anywhoo, he then writes back:

"You can't make him take a walk, though."

I thought about countering that with something to the effect of, "A walk? You can't get him to take two pitches!" but, I shit you not, as I was about to write it, I'll be damned if Desi didn't work an at-bat to a 3-2 count.

And at that moment, I remembered the "bitter towards Ian" stage I went through a couple years back. It was when he was making error after error, and swinging at every first pitch. I was calling him that name for him that was going around Twitter - Ian dE6mond - quite a bit. (I actually made that my password for my PC at work, too. True Story!) Anyway, that memory prompted me to check my scrapped image files on my computer today. Allow me to present to you, another edition of Rejected T-Shirt Ideas. The Ian Desmond edition.

Holy God. That was... bad.  I mean, it was obviously still in progress, but that's like seeing a dog's creation in progress, and it has five eyes and eight legs. And one ear. And a car where its tail should be. Ain't no way either one of those would come out well.

So... sorry, Ian. You're the man. I'm glad the other shirt I came out with turned out better. How better? Well, Gio keeps wearing it, so it's gotta be GOODER THAN BETTER.

(Huge hat tip to Jayson Werth's Beard for the link. That is the hardest working beard in the world. It works harder than [insert joke about some famous guy's wife being a beard because he's gay, but in the closet. Yeah, that joke. It's still relevant, right? No? Crap. Well, I've got a sammich to get to. It ain't gonna eat itself, you know, so I gotta do what I gotta do. Here I come, ham and swiss on rye, with mustard. What were we talking about again?]. )

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Smooth Gio is Smooth.

Gio went yikkety last night off Kevin Slowey. It was a Harperian blast, that impressed a lot of folks, including Gio himself, I suspect.
As I watched the TV, and him rounding the bases, I couldn't help but think this was his inner monologue:

"[To himself] Gio Gonzalez, you just hit your second career home run, what are you going to do?"

"I'mma smile like Mister Ed, cause I'm so damn happy, and that's how I do!"

"Err, on second thought, I don't want to show up the pitcher..."

Smoooooth, Gio, very smooth. In fact, that was, like, Barry White smooth. And forget all those unwritten rule wet blanket folks. Keep being you, Gio, and don't ever stop. To quote Ty Cobb, "I play baseball like I dance: Gay as a titmouse, and like no one was watching." At least I think that was Ty Cobb...

P.S. On a serious note, I forgot to give another shout out from Opening Day. It was great to see Frank and Susan before the game, and I really appreciated them giving me four square inches of their table to eat my tacos at. If you haven't checked out their site, Nats 101, do it now. It's got podcasts, articles, an all kinds of good stuff. Seriously, go there now and look. Look with your special eyes!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Well, Opening Day went rather well, didn't it?

Sorry for not writing about opening day sooner, but I had a huge hangover. You see, I imbibed way too much HARPER-STRAS-ZIMMY AWESOME SAUCE. (Yeah!) Seriously, that was an awesome day, and anything I write certainly won't do the experience justice. Suffice to say, there were some incredible things at the park, including the awesome straight-from-getting-hitched-appearance by @TClippardsSpecs and @StephaNats (awesome job, you two, even if you are stuck for life with DOUG F*CKING SLATEN references, Stephanie) to getting my kid her first slushie (it was "red flavor," and she loved it).

After I got home, I took a long nap, cause seeing good baseball is exhausting, then popped the game on the TV. What follows is my lazy excuse for a post. GIFS. LOTS OF GIFS. Enjoy?