Thursday, April 25, 2013

Happy Birthday, Danny Espinosa. (AKA, anything but game discussion.)

(Look, let's just skip past the last few games, okay? In honor Daniel Richard Espinosa turning 26-years-old today, we'll take about off the field stuff. Cool? Cool.)

After decades years months days of work, I have finally completed my Danny Espinosa bobble head collection. All four bobble have been acquired. Phew.
What? You say there's only one Espi bobble? Ha! Not so, my friend, but only us hardcore insanely idiotic Nats fans know about the complete set. So, please... sit back with your favorite drink (may I suggest a red slooshie from Curly W Pretzels?), your favorite book (may I not suggest the Bob Carpenter Official Score Book?), and your favorite baseball voodoo doll (may I suggest Pete Kozma? I'll still have my Chase Utley) while you peruse my Official Danny Espinosa 2011 - 2013 Bobble Head collection.

Here's the only one that was given away at the stadium - 9-10-2011. This edition (or "Standard SGA" as us Espi-Bobble-connoisseurs call it) shows Danny after a shave right before going out to do warm ups for the game:

This edition is dubbed the "Normal Espi," and shows him as he appears at game time, having last shaved 5 hours previously:

This one here? This is called "Slump Buster Espi," and shows what he looks like for a game immediately following an 0-4 game the night before:

And, finally, the latest (and rarest) bobble. The Holy Grail of Espi bobbles. It's official title is "Off-Season Espi," but it has other nicknames among us collectors, including "Homeless Espi," "Hunting Espi," "Jayson Werth Espi," "Navy Seal While Deployed Espi," "Uni-Bomber Espi," and "This is Actually Just Five Days Without a Shave Espi." Behold in all its splendor, glory, and... hairiness:

 I also considered "ZZ Top Espi," "The Guys From That Duck Dynasty Show Espi," and "Sasquatch Espi" but  using Sasquatch in association with any other baseball player besides Kevin Youkilis* would be slander. Or libel. I forget which. But seriously, can you imagine that guy's back hair? It's gotta be thicker than Wrigley Field's wall ivy. If balls get lost in that ivy, balls and the attached player throwing that ball get lost in Youkilis' back hair. He's so hairy. (How hairy is he?) He's so hairy, the Yankees had to purchase a DR Field and Brush Mower for the clubhouse. (Zing!)

*It was either Youkilis or Brian Wilson that I poke fun at for hairiness. Kevin got the nod since he decided to charge the mound and throw his helmet at Rick Porcello a few years back. That's total bush-league. That more bush-league than bush-league. That's so bush-league, that bush-league should now be called Youkilis-league, but that doesn't really roll of the tongue. That, and one mention of Brian Wilson is one mention too many. Crap, now that's two mentions. /Goes off to cry in the corner while being made to watch highlights of the 2008 Phillies World Series parade as punishment. /Bashes self to death with Off-Season Espi bobble while screaming, "Oh, God. THE HORROR."

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