The bats were well rested after that 3 day layoff, eh?

Well, taking Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off turned out to be very beneficial to the bats last night. After Davey substituted little-leaguers-in-adult-sized-clones-of-the-real-guys for the real guys the last three games, the boys were well rested and ready to swing like they know they can - LARGELY and LOUDLY. (Can you swing largely? Survey says: YES. And so it is written.)

While watching the game, I received this text from a friend:

"Desmond is good."

Since this may just be the understatement of the day month year length of time the universe has existed,  I wrote him back:

"THIS IS FACT. BUT HE BETTER THAN GOOD. HE REALLY GOOD. LIKE, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY GOOD. GOODER THAN GOOD. THEY SHOULD MAKE A NEW WORD THAT MEANS GOODER THAN GOOD. DESI CAN DO ALL."

Obnoxious? Yeah, all caps is pretty obnoxious, but he's an O's fan first, so screw him and his feelings. Remember, folks, caps lock can be used. Just make sure it's used for good. Anywhoo, he then writes back:

"You can't make him take a walk, though."

I thought about countering that with something to the effect of, "A walk? You can't get him to take two pitches!" but, I shit you not, as I was about to write it, I'll be damned if Desi didn't work an at-bat to a 3-2 count.

And at that moment, I remembered the "bitter towards Ian" stage I went through a couple years back. It was when he was making error after error, and swinging at every first pitch. I was calling him that name for him that was going around Twitter - Ian dE6mond - quite a bit. (I actually made that my password for my PC at work, too. True Story!) Anyway, that memory prompted me to check my scrapped image files on my computer today. Allow me to present to you, another edition of Rejected T-Shirt Ideas. The Ian Desmond edition.

Holy God. That was... bad.  I mean, it was obviously still in progress, but that's like seeing a dog's creation in progress, and it has five eyes and eight legs. And one ear. And a car where its tail should be. Ain't no way either one of those would come out well.

So... sorry, Ian. You're the man. I'm glad the other shirt I came out with turned out better. How better? Well, Gio keeps wearing it, so it's gotta be GOODER THAN BETTER.

(Huge hat tip to Jayson Werth's Beard for the link. That is the hardest working beard in the world. It works harder than [insert joke about some famous guy's wife being a beard because he's gay, but in the closet. Yeah, that joke. It's still relevant, right? No? Crap. Well, I've got a sammich to get to. It ain't gonna eat itself, you know, so I gotta do what I gotta do. Here I come, ham and swiss on rye, with mustard. What were we talking about again?]. )

Well, Opening Day went rather well, didn't it?

Sorry for not writing about opening day sooner, but I had a huge hangover. You see, I imbibed way too much HARPER-STRAS-ZIMMY AWESOME SAUCE. (Yeah!) Seriously, that was an awesome day, and anything I write certainly won't do the experience justice. Suffice to say, there were some incredible things at the park, including the awesome straight-from-getting-hitched-appearance by @TClippardsSpecs and @StephaNats (awesome job, you two, even if you are stuck for life with DOUG F*CKING SLATEN references, Stephanie) to getting my kid her first slushie (it was "red flavor," and she loved it).

After I got home, I took a long nap, cause seeing good baseball is exhausting, then popped the game on the TV. What follows is my lazy excuse for a post. GIFS. LOTS OF GIFS. Enjoy?

Well, Bob Carpenter is still Bob Carpenter.

Yesterday's game was the most Bob Carpenter game in the history of Bob Carpenter games, with the last play of the game being called in the most Bob Carpenter way possible.

Please allow me to do my best Dan Steinberg and transcribe what happened on the last play of the game. Situation: Bottom of the ninth, Nats down one. Ian Desmond on second, two outs, Danny Espinosa at the plate.

/SMACK goes the ball off Danny Espinosa's bat into CF.

Bob: "And this game will be tied..."

/A whole entire fucking play unfolds since, you know, THAT'S HOW THINGS WORK.

Bob: "... He is out! And the game is over."

GAH! Look, I've talked about this in the past. In fact, more than once. I've even made videos poking fun at him about it. But this one, I didn't make up. See for yourself:

Hella Horrible, Carpy Baby. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Now, I know the call wasn't being piped into the dugout. And I know that Rick Eckstein and Davey aren't looking at Bob with this "Are you fucking serious?" look. But... I choose to ignore ALL OF THAT and pretend that Davey and Rick are dumbfounded at Bob Carpenter's call, not the umpire's.

So, Nats lose. But, that wasn't even the worst part about the entire game. What was? It was seeing Chorye Spoone's name pop up when he came into the game, going through the 1,000 different ways I imagened his name was pronouced, only to have it be said as "COREY SPOON." Are you kidding me? Fuck it, he'll always be "Chore-eye Spoon-eh" to me. Take that, Chore-eye's mom and dad!

Uh... hey, Amigo... That's not what really happened.

(Please allow me to repeat myself here, as I believe I've written this same sentiment here and here. What can I say? I like to rip on Carp.)

Dear Bob Carpenter... It's been a while since I've felt the need to call you out on something you did. Sure, I've wanted to, but didn't think I had to. But during last night's 2-1 win over the smelly Mets (and their smelly fans) you really ground my gears.

It was the bottom of the fifth inning and Ian Desmond was up. I was on the couch at the time, but didn't have my eyeballs actually pointed at the TV. I think I was making stupid goo-goo sounds at my totally awesome baby (They're just like real people, only smaller!!) ... or maybe I was solving some world renowned "unbeatable" math equation... I forget. Anyway, I'm in the middle of carrying the two to the fifth power or some shit when I hear Bob get all excited like. I hear the familiar call of his:

"See. You. Later."

"Weeeeee!" I thought to myself. "I love me some Ian Desmond." (I was also thinking, "I hope he would one day like to meet me and shake my hand cause I'm awesome, and my hands feel like silk.") And then... BOOM... right there in the middle of my day dream (the part where Ian is complimenting me on my fine choice of lunch meat (honey ham) and asking me if I would like to try on his puffy jacket (its interior is lined with the feathers of a Pegasus)) Bob blurts out (wait for it...)

"My bad. The ball is still in play."

I shit you not, folks. He actually said that! Look, here's the clip.

Bobby be dum dum. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Can you fucking believe it? I mean... the only thing the dude has to do it call what he actually fucking sees as it actually fucking happens. His job does not require him to see into the fucking future, or to take random goddamn guesses as what's about to occur. But, what does he do? That's right... he calls the play early, and destroys my bromance with Ian.

Now, skip to bottom of the ninth. The score is tied 1-1, and Ryan Zimmerman is up with the bases loaded and one out. The pitch comes in, Ryan swings, and guess what the fuck Bob says*!!

Way to go, Bobby Carpenter. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Argh!! Can you believe it? What a MAROON!

*Is not actually what Bob said. In reality he said... well, I don't remember what exactly he said, but I bet it was something stupid. Like... "Don't forget to buy your official Bob Carpenter score book." Goddamn shill. That guy takes, like, every opportunity he gets to try and force some crappy product on us. I don't care what t-shirts scoring accessory you have, Section 138 dude Bob, I'm not interested. Gah!

What I learned watching the World Cup

So, I'm home with the wife and new baby (Kaitlyn Hannah- born last Thursday, June 10th, which is the same day Matty fucking Chico was born!!!!1!!1!!!eleven!!) and have been watching most of the three World Cup games shown each day. I've learned a lot, especially about the rules and how the referees call fouls. Which is - they don't. Seriously. When they call a foul, they don't have to say who committed the foul, nor do they have to say what the fuck the foul even was! (Joe West is salivating at this and is seriously considering a job change.)
I also learned that Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo is the A.J. Pierzynski of soccer. He whines, cries, pouts, antagonizes, torments, molests, badgers, bully-rags, grates, irks, besets, and ruffles his opponents. He also dives like nobody's business. I mean, MY GOD! Check out this play that I recorded directly off the TV during the Portugal vs Ivory Coast game on Tuesday:

Fucking unbelievable.

On a totally unrelated note, how bout you cheap bastards visit a brother's spreadshirt shop and buy some goddamn shirts! I've got a new design up in honor of the guy playing some crazy defense at shortstop, Mr. Ian "Hee-Sop" Desmond. Check it:


I also have a couple other shirts up that I haven't posted. Have you checked out the shop and seen them? Yeah, you did? Sweet! Now, how come you didn't buy one? (Insert crying picture here as you have driven me to tears. Sniff.) For those that haven't checked out my sweet ass shop, here's another never before blogged item. Behold the goodness that is the El Drew K Crew and their blatant disregard for the law!


Those rebels! If they're not careful, the could end up in the clink next to other famous revolutionaries. Like... well, shit. I don't know any off the top of my head, but I bet there's a shit ton in North Korean prisons. (Did I just compare fans of Drew Storen to people locked up for standing up to a communist dictatorship? Fuck no!)

Alright. My shilling is done. Now, how about Johnny Lannan going out and getting us a win today - my very first Father's Day? That would be sweet! (You know what else is sweet? This kick ass shirt from this kick ass spreadshirt that my daughter got me for Father's Day! /Yanked off stage by The Sandman while screaming, "Just one more chance! Please!")

How'd Ian Desmond do? I missed the game...

The fuck I did! I had my butt firmly planted on the couch at 7:02, right after I fed the cats and the dogs. (Hey, has anyone taught dogs and cats to feed humans? I've seen a dog open a fridge and get a dude a beer once on TV. Any of your dogs do that? That's so super duper cool. I'll pay someone like... $5 if you come and teach my dogs to do that.)

I was excited about Ian's call up here, and was begging Riggleman to start Ian here (although, to be honest, so was every other blogger). So what happens when Ian D finally does get the start?

Bang Zoom, Philly bitches!!

You can see the video highlights here, but allow me to list what he did in numbers and letters below.

Ian was 2 for 4 with 1 2B, 1 HR, 4 RBI, and scored 1 run. He's hitting .500/.500/1.500. (Insert O.o face here.) Can he maintain that pace? Uhh... no, but I do like his chances of sticking around a little longer, and succeeding (thanks to, in particular, his short and speedy swing).

In related news Billy Ladson points out that Rizzo and Riggles had a conversation with Cristian "Bunions" Guzman yesterday morning.

It was learned that general manager Mike Rizzo and interim manager Jim Riggleman had a private meeting with shortstop Cristian Guzman on Thursday afternoon and asked him to switch to second base for the 2010 season.

Apparently the front office is concerned with the way he moves to his left, and his bunioned feet just add to the problem.

Can Ian grab the SS position for 2010? I don't know, but I do know how to find out. Play Ian more, dammit. Now, if you excuse me, I have to announce to the world my feelings for Ian D...


Oh, one final thing... that double play with Ian as the pivot man? Wasn't a piece of cake, as Chase Utley was gunning for Ian's legs. (I'm gonna try and throw a video of that together later, but... well... don't hold your breath.)

Fuck it, a second final thing... How bout one of you rich people go and sponsor Ian's baseball-reference.com page for me? C'mon!! It's only $95! Okay, okay. Fine. Huruumph. I guess I can settle for one of you sponsoring Zack Segovia's page. It's going for $5. (The poor bastard.)

Jim Riggleman is going to destroy my September.

And why will Riggles be destroying my September? Well, here's why.

Riggleman, on the plan for Desmond: "I'll get him some games, but as long as Guzman is healthy he'll be playing. If his foot flares up on him that will be an opportunity to get Desmond in there, but we also have Gonzalez and Orr who will be playing up the middle. I love to see young players play, but I don't ever want to take away the opportunity from the veterans who have been here all year... and disregard their efforts all year by planting them on the bench. Like I said, the at bats might be inconsistent."

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, JIM?!?!1!1!!?!1!ELEVEN!!?

"but I don't ever want to take away the opportunity from the veterans"

Opportunity for what, Jim? Yeah, these games down the stretch are real fucking critical, aren't they? What with this pennant race DC is in and all. Nope. No need to see what the kids have during real games in September, especially against the Division leading Phillies. Na... you can tell how good they are against piece of shit spring training pitchers struggling to make squads, right?

Jesus.

You know exactly what you have with Cristian, Jim. An average fielding SS (although he does have a little bit better range than some) who boots the easy play every now and then a whole helluva lot. He's also someone who never walks, and is a singles hitter with an occasional line drive home run.

What do you have with Ian Desmond, though, Jim? Well, Frank Robinson said he was Major League ready [defensively speaking] in 2005. Jim Bowden dropped the names Derek and Jeter when talking about him. (Of course, Frank Robinson loved Matt LeCroy so much he openly wept for the guy, and Jim Bowden was... well... Jim Bowden. Oh, and I stole those two quotes from Zuckerman over at the Washington Times Chatter blog. It really should be an everyday read, by the way.)

So, since Riggles is a moronic idiot not going to give the kid a shot to play everyday, we might as well try and compare the two with the stats we do have. I sure as hell ain't gonna hold it against Ian if he has a shitty ass September because he only gets one or two pinch hit at bats per week. No one should.

Just so you know what you get with Desmond, besides playing super duper defense, he also had a break out 2009 with the bat. He started the year in AA Harrisburg and hit .306/.372/.494 with 6 HR and 13 SB is 42 games. He then got the call to go to AAA Syracuse, and kept on raking. He hit .354/.428/.461 in 55 games there with 8 SB and 1 HR. He's not a huge power guy, but he does average a HR every 12.75 games. And, let's face it, that's way better than Goozie who averages one HR every 21.4 games. In fact, in a 162 game average season, Goozie hits 8 HR, while Desmond hits 13. (Yes, yes, and yes... I do realize I'm comparing Desmond's Minor League stats against Goozie's Major League stats. But that's my whole point. Since Riggleman won't be playing Ian, we can't even see what the fuck he can do against Major league pitching!)

So... me, personally? I like Ian's bat a little better than Cristian's, but we'll call it a wash since Cristian is hitting against Major League pitchers and all. You know... such as Manny Parra, Tim Dillard, Mat Latos, Arthur Lee Rhodes, Brian Bass, and Geoff fucking Geary, after all. (And no, those pitchers were not pulled at random. Those are the six pitchers Cristian has hit his home runs off of this year. I shit you not. All-Stars they ain't.)

Let's then use defense as a measuring stick, since Minor Leaguers and Major Leaguers both play on the exact same size infield, with runners the exact same 90 feet apart.

Desmond's 2009 defensive ratings: .943 FLD %, and an eye popping 4.81 RF/9.
Goozie's 2009 ratings? A .962 FLD % (dead last in the NL) and a very nice RF/9 of 4.52 (tops among NL SS with a minimum 100 games played).
Desmond's career avg FLD % is only .936, but keep in mind this includes his first few years in which he was learning to play the position at an elite level. Ian's avg RF/G, though, is a stellar 4.40 (again, while he was learning the position). Goozie's MLB career FLD % is .971 and his career RF/G is 4.19. Cristian's career Minor League FLD % was only .952 while his Minor League RF/G was 4.55.

(For those of you that just want to know what a great SS RF/9 and FLD % is, Ozzie Smith averaged a .978 (with three piss poor - for him- sub .970 seasons pulling him down at the beginning and end of his career). During his prime, he averaged a .981 FLD % with a single season high of .987 in both 1991 and 1987. His career RF/9 was 5.2 with a single season high of 5.87 in 1981 and 1982.)

Okay, okay... so it's obvious Ian has better range, while Cristian's fielding percentage is a little higher. But everyone knows fielding percentage is old and inadequate, right? You don't? Just do yourself a favor. Google "why fielding percentage is outdated". Sure... there are plenty of sites that pop up, but the most interesting revelation of all? This magical, wonderful, incredibly awesome blurb thrown our way by the great people of Google:

(And with that, we come back full circle to Jim Bowden. Sometimes I really do miss your Segway riding, leather pants wearing face around here.)

So, since the numbers above could be judged differently by different folks, and with Riggles apparently needing someone to draw him a picture in order to get a clue, allow me to present my argument another way.


There. That about sums it up. Now how about you play him, Jimmy Riggles? Don't make him have to twist your arm. (And by him, I mean me. And by twist your arm, I mean this.)

September call ups are... well... unexciting, save for one.

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself for the IAN ERA! (Or is that the ERA of IAN?)

Ian Desmond highlights the list of September call ups for the Nationals. It's a pretty uneventful list, when you think about it. I knew Desmond would be on it, but was hoping for some more first time Major Leaguers. The only other first timer (sort of) is Zack Segovia, a right handed starting pitcher (Who had one start with the Phillies in 2007). The Nats also brought back retreads Marco Estrada and Logan Kensing, as well as bringing back 2007 first round draft pick Ross Dewiler.

Marco was in the bullpen for all of 11 games last year, before the Nats sent him, his 7.82 ERA, and his 1.737 WHIP packing. He was always a starting pitcher in the minors, and he did have a pretty good 2009 campaign with Syracuse (9-5 with a 3.63 ERA and 1.218 WHIP. He also averaged 6.5 K/9 IP). I'm assuming they are bringing him up to start. (Which is a shame, because I had such a good time yelling, "Maaaaarcooo" to him in the bullpen. He, on the other hand, didn't seem to enjoy it. Come to think of it... he's probably had to endure the whole Marco Polo thingie his whole life. And here I thought I was being clever. Shit.)

Logan was in the bullpen (after Washington picked him up when Florida released him) this year for all of 17 games before the Nats sent him, his 10.71 ERA, and his 2.017 WHIP packing. He has been the closer for AAA Syracuse for a while now, and has put up decent numbers (2-1 with a 2.97 ERA, 17 saves, a 1.020 WHIP, and a great K/9IP ratio of 9.4). He'll be in the bullpen, I would assume, where he will get teased mercilessly for his middle name, which I just found out was "French." (French Kensing, you see. Get it? French... K..sing. FRENCH KISSING!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.)

Ross was called up from AA earlier this year by the Nats, and did a hell of a lot better than I thought he would. He hadn't lived up to the hype of his draft status in the minors, sporting an ERA of 4.54 in high A for 2007 and 2008, along with a WHIP of 1.545. He started this year in AA Hagerstown and threw well. His record was 0-3, but it appears run support was an issue for him. He had an ERA of 2.96, while dropping his WHIP to 1.390, while having a very impressive 9.2 K/9IP ratio. He got the call to Washington, and went 0-5 with an ERA of 6.40, and a WHIP of 1.750. His k/9IP rate dropped to 5.7, as well. They sent him to AAA Syracuse after that, and he's been pretty damn good since then. He's gone 4-2 with a 3.10 ERA, and got his K/9IP back up to 7.7. He still has a long way to go to live up tp being the 6th overall pick in that 2007 draft, especially being a kid drafted from College, but I'm rooting for him, dammit... so should you!

Which leaves the two newbies, Mr. Zack Segovia and Mr. Ian Desmond. I'll be honest here... I don't have the slightest idea what Zack's ceiling is. He was a pretty highly touted prospect coming out of HS in Texas in 2002, as he was drafted by the Phillies in the second round. He ended up blowing his elbow out, a-la ZNN, and missed the entire 2004 season after Tommy John surgery. The Phillies released him in June of last year, and the Nationals signed him then. He's played for every Nats minor league squad since then but one, with the exception being Vermont. The Nats promoted him from the GCL squad straight to Harrisburg last year, thus denying Zack a chance to be a Lake Monster (something I'm sure he still regrets. I mean, seriously, who the hell wouldn't want to be a God damn LAKE MONSTER, for Christ's sake?). Here's what else I know about him - he's 6' 2", and 245 lbs, so the kid likes him some pancakes. If he starts for the Nats, he'll be the fourth oldest starting pitcher for them this year at age 26, behind only Daniel Cabrera (28), JD Martin (26 and older by three months) and Livan Hernandez (with his age being somewhere between 36 and 45. If you believe he is his listed age (34), well then have I got some ocean front property to sell you. Seriously. I own approximately 2 square inches of beach in Ocean City, NJ. I don't want to go all into details, so I'll just leave it at this - It involved large Italian men, gambling, four bottles of Grey Goose, more gambling, and me sobbing in a hotel room.). I also have no idea if he's related to the famous Spanish classical guitarist Andres Segovia, but I wouldn't rule it out.

Which brings us to one Mr. Ian Desmond. And my job. With it being dead this past Friday, and just having a three day weekend, I have work spilling out of my ears today. Alas, I will not be able to write about Ian Desmond today, but I'll certainly get to him in my next post. Until then, I'll leave you with what people call a taser. Shit, no, that's a teaser, not a taser. My bad. First one hurts you, second one doesn't.

We’ve been hearing hype on Desmond for a while now but the slick fielder is just beginning to justify that talk with his performance at the plate.